


You Can Watch From The Sidelines

by ZoeWithNoY



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: All the Usual Warnings for DEH, BandTrees All The Way, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy (briefly), F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not a TreeBros Fic, Zoe Murphy Deserves More, Zoevan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:44:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 107,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeWithNoY/pseuds/ZoeWithNoY
Summary: Evan's happy with his relationship, he really is. Connor was funny and cute and definitely out of Evan's league. He should be happy that Connor wants anything to do with him. He could look past all the times Connor ignored his feelings and made him uncomfortable--he was only doing it because he liked Evan.When Connor forgets about their plans to hang out, Evan runs into Zoe, who offers to take him home. Kind, sweet Zoe, another person Evan never thought he'd ever get the chance to talk to. Evan finds himself drifting further and further away from Connor the closer and closer he gets with Zoe. The only problem? Zoe is Connor's little sister and no matter what Evan chooses to do, it'll affect all three of them. God, why were feelings so hard?
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy
Comments: 137
Kudos: 48





	1. What Do You Do When There's This Great Divide?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everyone! I'm back!!! Apparently by "take time off" I meant four days, but here it is, the first chapter of my new story! I'm really excited about this one and hopefully it'll be good? I was super inspired by a classic TreeBros fic, that I'm sure we've all read, but I wanted to switch it around, where BandTrees is the endgame instead. Also, I don't like (usually) how Zoe is written in a lot of those fics and I think she deserves more and should be a bigger part of her own story.
> 
> Connor is probably super OOC around Evan, but I think we've established that I don't write Connor super great already. Somehow I've written Connor once again in not the best light, a little manipulative and a little toxic to the other characters, even though I don't think that about the way he was written in the actual play, which was more complex. 
> 
> I've based a lot Evan's feelings and anxiety about their relationship based on my own personal experiences, where I would let things the other person did slide past the boundary I'd set, for fear of coming off as "naggy" and "ungrateful" even though they should have been more considerate to me. However, I'm not trying to write Connor as abusive to Evan in any way, more so inconsiderate and selfish, if that makes sense?
> 
> I tried to set up Connor and Evan's relationship to be a stark contrast between the relationship that will develop between him and Zoe, so bear with me for a little bit while everything falls into place. I also think each of the chapters will be a little shorter (but who knows sometimes I start writing and don't stop), but there will be more of them, which is exciting! As always, please leave comment/kudos, or message me with anything you'd like to tell me, positive or critiques! Happy Reading!!!

Evan Hansen sat distractedly at lunch, fidgeting with the drawstrings of his hoodie, mostly listening to the story his boyfriend was telling him. _Boyfriend_. Evan still wasn’t used to saying that. Connor Murphy was his _boyfriend_. They had been dating for a few weeks, coincidentally around the same time his friend Jared had found out about his little crush. But he couldn’t really be mad at Jared and his gossipy ways, because it actually ended up being a good thing for Evan. He was happy and he really liked Connor. He was abrasive and confident, but also really sweet (to Evan at least) and mostly understanding about Evan’s anxiety, not to mention he was really cute, Evan especially liked the little patch of brown in one of his blue eyes. 

“Evan, Evan, earth to Hansen,” Evan suddenly hears Connor saying. “Where’d you go just now?”, Connor adds, sitting next to him, pushing the drawstrings out of his hands and interlacing their hands, making Evan blush. 

“Um, sorry, I j-just was spacing out. W-what were you saying?” Evan replies quickly, even though he and Connor had gotten closer over the last few weeks of dating, Evan still felt anxious around him sometimes, still unable to even out his speech or completely drop his stutter. 

“I was asking you if your mom had made any more of those awesome cookies? If there’d be any when we got out of school?”, Connor laughs poking Evan playfully, ignoring his slight wince at the action, in Connor’s mind the more Evan got used to casual touches the better. 

“Connor, I told you y-y-yesterday, we can’t go to my h-h-house today after school, my m-m-mom has a thing,” Evan says, dropping their hands to return to fiddling with the strings. He didn’t want to tell Connor that their landlord was coming by to hopefully fix their hot water heater that had been broken for more than week. He already felt like his house, that his mom rented, wasn’t enough compared to Connor’s family’s McMansion, and he didn’t want to add to that feeling of inferiority.

“Well, we could go get coffee or snacks or something after school, like an impromptu date”, Connor offered, but his smile dropped as soon as he saw Evan give a deep sigh as a response. It’s not that Evan didn’t want to do those types of things with him, but ordering things was really hard for him and all his extra money from his job as an apprentice park ranger went to his college fund and things he needed for school, not extras. He didn’t want Connor to order for him or pay for him, more things that made Evan feel less than and second guess his contribution to their relationship. 

“Ugh, fine I guess we could go to my house even though my crazy mom and bitchy sister will be home. I just really want to hang out today,” Connor whines pressing a chaste kiss to Evan’s cheek, reigniting Evan’s faded blush.

“Y-y-yeah me t-t-too. I think your house will be f-fun. Probably won’t even see t-them”, Evan says, bumping Connor with his shoulder, trying to reciprocate his boyfriend’s playfulness. 

Connor smiles an Evan’s attempt at affection, and bumps Evan’s shoulder back, just as the bell rings, signaling that lunch was now over. The boys quickly gather their stuff and head inside walking side-by-side. Connor pretends to not be upset when he reaches for Evan’s hand, and Evan deliberately grips his backpack straps with both hands, avoiding Connor’s outstretched one. Again, it wasn’t like Evan didn’t want to hold his hand, he just felt like in the hallways it drew too much attention to them, which made his palms sweaty, which would probably gross Connor out, so he avoided it from the get-go. 

They stopped at Evan’s locker because it was closer, and it was usually where they went their separate ways for their afternoon classes. Evan had grabbed his books and was about to say goodbye to Connor, when Connor takes him by surprise, kissing the corner of his mouth and cheekily saying, “See-ya after school, Evan”, and hastily making his exit.

Evan stood frozen in front of his locker, looking around to see if had noticed Connor kissing him. Luckily, everyone in the hall seemed to be minding their own business, either not noticing or not caring about the actions of Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen. It took Evan a couple of deep breaths to calm back down, before he started walking to his AP Biology class. He and Connor had only actually kissed a couple of times since they started going out, and never at school, so Connor’s half-kiss took Evan by surprise. To Evan, kissing was just okay, fun, but he always felt like something was off, but he had only kissed (or been kissed by, he supposes) Connor, so he didn’t really have a reference point to go off. 

Evan lets his thoughts run wild as he finally starts walking to class on autopilot. He wasn’t really okay with what Connor just did, but it wasn’t a super big deal, if he brought it up would he seem naggy? He didn’t want to mess up what him and Connor had going because he wasn’t too sure he’d be able to get anything like it again. Also, he hated confrontation, even thought of bringing up something unpleasant to Connor made his heart race and his breath quicken, so for now he’d just push it down and focus on other things. He had AP Biology now, and it was one of his favorite classes. He loved the material, and his teacher didn’t believe in partner work, which made the class even better for Evan. 

Evan sat in his favorite seat in the back row, by the window and was organizing his notebook and pencils on the desktop when he accidently caught eyes with Connor’s sister, Zoe Murphy. Zoe simply waved at him and Evan gave a very shaky wave back before she turned around in her seat to organize her own notes. 

Ever since Evan and Connor had started dating, Zoe made an effort to acknowledge him in the classes they shared. They never spoken to each other even though they had gone to the same school since the 7th grade when Connor and Zoe had moved. Evan figured she had found out who her brother was dating and was just being nice. 

It was weird, Evan had a tiny crush on her when they had first moved, but she quickly became part of the in-crowd and Evan let his dream of them possibly being friends die, and now flash-forward a couple years and he was dating her brother. A brother, who always described her in the most awful ways. That was something that always confused Evan. 

What Evan had seen over the years led him to believe that Zoe was sweet, talented, smart, and incredibly pretty (and that wasn’t even just his old crush talking, that was simply the truth, Zoe was gorgeous), a stark contrast to the bitchy, obnoxious little sister that Connor described. Evan didn’t know much about their homelife or relationship, so he always tried to steer clear of Zoe-talk when he was with Connor and tried to remain neutral on his own judgement of her. 

Evan’s two afternoon classes seem to fly by and before he knows it, he’s walking to his locker, surprised for the second time that day, that Connor is waiting for him. Evan knows that Connor’s sixth period is on the far side of the school, there’s no way he’d be at Evan’s locker before him, unless…

“Connor did you skip sixth period again?”, Evan asks slightly concerned about Connor’s new habit of skipping class whenever he felt like it. 

“I’m pretty sure I know more French than that old crone Ms. Babit anyways, and I wanted to greet you. C’mon it’s not that bad, I’ll try my hardest to go tomorrow, if it makes you happy”, Connor says smiling crookedly at Evan, resting his hand on Evan’s shoulder. 

Evan tried his best to not flinch away from the contact, still a little upset from earlier, grabbing what he needed and slamming his locker closed a little harder than he meant to. Connor doesn’t seem to notice either of Evan’s actions, happily babbling on about something Evan didn’t catch at the start. Something seemed off to Evan, Connor didn’t usually act like this, chatty, calm, Evan would even go as far to say bubbly. He did his best to ignore the suspicious feeling in his head and enjoy the good mood Connor was in as they walked out to Connor’s black sedan. 

The drive to the Murphy’s was actually pretty relaxing for Evan. Connor sang way off key to the songs playing on the radio, making Evan laugh and Connor abided by the majority of traffic laws, after Evan had chastised him last time they drove together. Evan was almost sad when they pulled into Connor’s driveway, now it wouldn’t be just the two of them, he would have to possibly talk to Mrs. Murphy, and also possibly see Zoe, and he didn’t want Connor to drop his happy mood, just the imagined tension was making Evan anxious. 

Connor didn’t seem phased though, he simply grabbed Evan’s hand, opting to not intertwine their fingers, and led him through the front door. They were inside so fast Evan didn’t even see Zoe’s blue bug pull into the driveway behind them. 

“Connor, Zoe, is that you?”, Cynthia Murphy’s cheery voice echoed from the kitchen.

“It’s me mom. And Evan’s here too”, Connor responds trying to drag Evan quickly up the staircase before Cynthia could come barrage them with questions. Evan’s fumbling, however adorable, slowed them down just enough that Cynthia appeared in the entry way looking up at them happily. 

“Boys, don’t run away so soon, come to the kitchen, tell me about your days, I can make a snack, anything you want. Are you hungry Evan?”, Cynthia pleaded trying to connect with her son and his boyfriend. 

A look flashed across Connor’s eyes and Evan thought for a moment he was just going to blow his mom off and continue to trudge up the stairs, but instead he just huffed dramatically and slowly pulled Evan back down the stairs. This was another thing about Connor that Evan didn’t really understand, he had a mom who was home all the time, willing to talk with him about anything, and legitimately tried to be a good mom and Connor always seemed annoyed by it. Evan loved his mom and was very aware of the sacrifices she made for them, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t wish she could be home more, offering him and a guest snacks and to just talk about his day. The little time he got to spend with his mom he cherished, and he wished Connor did the same with his mom too. 

Right as they enter the kitchen, the door opens again letting everyone know Zoe was now home too. She cheerily walks to the kitchen and gives Cynthia a side hug and waves hello to everyone saying, “Hey Connor, hey Evan”, saying Evan’s name a little softer, like she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to talk to him. 

“Nope, we’re not doing this. Sorry mom. C’mon Evan, we’re going upstairs”, Connor says tightly, not giving anyone in the room a chance to say or do anything, before actually dragging a very confused Evan out of the room. 

They don’t talk until Connor slams his door closed, his good mood clearly gone, replaced by annoyance. Evan speaks up first, asking nervously, “Wh-what just h-happened Connor?”. 

“Look”, Connor starts, dropping Evan’s hand, pacing around his room, “I can deal with my over-eager mom trying to push hummus on us, but throw in Zoe and the nightmare begins. She probably came in the kitchen just to make me mad”.

“I d-don’t know, she just, uh, said hi, what’s so bad about that?”, Evan asks, truly perplexed as to why Zoe being in a room with them was setting Connor off. 

“Why are you defending her?”, Connor accuses Evan, who hadn’t moved from his awkward spot in the middle of the room, “Can’t you just take my word for it? That Zoe’s a total bitch, and we’re better off without her around”. 

“O-o-okay, okay,”, Evan manages to get out, trying to calm Connor down, as Connor’s little tantrum was making him very uncomfortable, and rather than ask more questions about Zoe because he had a million racing through his mind, Evan simply asks, “D-d-do you want to watch some B-b-buzzfeed videos?”, a safe activity they often did at Evan’s house. 

“Yeah, c’mere”, Connor says grabbing his laptop from his desk and lounging on his bed, beckoning Evan over. Evan goes and lies next to him, letting Connor put his arm around his shoulders, even though he still felt a little tense from how upset Connor was just seconds prior. 

After a solid hour of videos, Evan finally speaks up, “Hey Con, I’m just going to go to the bathroom, be right back” and hops off the bed, walking out and closing the door before Connor could respond.

Evan knew the way to the hall bathroom and tried not to stare at all the professionally-done family photos of the Murphy’s, last time he did that he went into a thought-spiral about what must have happened to make Connor feel so distant from the rest of his family, and he didn’t need a repeat of that, not right now. 

As Evan leaves the bathroom, he hears the soft strumming of a guitar, and some simple humming along with it. He aimlessly follows the music, stopping next what he presumed must be Zoe’s bedroom door and just listens. He feels like he’s in a trance, he knows he should get back to Connor, but his feet just don’t move. He hadn’t heard Zoe play in a long time (he usually had an excuse to miss assemblies and there’s no way he’d be at a football game, the two times he knows the Jazz Band performs) and he’s amazed by how good she sounds. 

Suddenly the music stops, and Zoe’s door opens, revealing a flustered Evan, and a surprised looking Zoe, she probably thought he was creepily stalking their hallway.

Before Evan can stop himself, he blurts out, “You sounded really good. Just now I mean. Your guitar playing. What else would I be talking about”, and starts playing with the hem of his shirt, not looking her in eyes. When she doesn’t say anything for what felt like minutes on end, but was probably only a few seconds, he quickly adds, “Um, yeah, I should go”, and turns walking back towards Connor’s room. 

He almost misses Zoe’s soft voice saying, “Thanks Evan”, and when he glances back, she’s offering him the smallest of smiles, which he returns before opening Connor’s door and stepping through. _Zoe Murphy_ , their very small, insignificant interaction makes Evan feel tingly, like something big just happened, but he doesn’t know what exactly, and he can’t shake the music she was playing form his head for the rest of the day, so much that he doesn’t even realize he didn’t stutter once while talking to her.


	2. Forgotten in the Middle of Nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor forgets Evan at school and Zoe offers him a ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work has been crazy this last weekend, so I haven't had much time to write. Hopefully this chapter isn't awful! It's mostly fluff with little to no plot progression except Zoe and Evan growing closer as friends. 
> 
> As always feel free to message me, or comment, or leave a kudos! I appreciate any and all feedback! Happy reading!

Evan paced back and forth near his locker; the school hallway eerily quiet. Connor was supposed to meet him there after school like normal, but he’d never shown up. They had just seen each other during lunch and besides being a bit jumpy, Evan thought Connor seemed normal, well as normal as Connor could be. Now he wasn’t texting him back or answering his calls, albeit he only texted twice and called twice, Evan didn’t want to come off as crazy, but Connor’s lack of a response was starting to make him worried. 

Had he done something wrong? What if Connor never wanted to talk to him again and this was his way of showing it? But he had kissed his cheek goodbye at lunch, why would he do that if he wanted to break-up? What if something terrible happened to him? What if he was lying in a ditch somewhere and needed Evan’s help and he didn’t go look for him? But what if he left and Connor finally showed, and Evan was gone? 

Evan was so lost in his head he hadn’t noticed there were now students in the hall and one of them was calling his name, until he felt tapping on his shoulder. 

The soft voice of Zoe Murphy breaks him out of his reverie, “Evan, it’s almost 4, school’s been out for an hour and a half, what are you still doing here?”. 

Evan turns to face her fully, taking her in. Her hair was braided in two French braids and he could see lightly faded purple streaks weaving through, and there were baby hairs surrounding her face that had escaped the braids throughout the day and she was wearing a vintage band tee, tucked into high waisted jeans, with scribbly stars and music notes up and down the cuffs. Unsure how to respond after realizing he was staring at her for a few minutes, Evan finally manages to say, “I was, uh, waiting for Connor, but h-he hasn’t sh-shown up yet”, and tries to will away the blush he knows is spreading to his face by looking at the ground.

Evan sneaks a peek at Zoe and sees her face turning into an expression he’d never seen on her before, it seemed like anger mixed with annoyance. Oh god, he’s made her mad, it was probably his weird staring, he didn’t mean to! Before she has a chance to say anything he quickly blurts out, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’ll go wait somewhere else” and starts to walk in the opposite direction. 

Evan only gets a few steps away before Zoe stops him, pulling him back towards her, “No Evan, you didn’t make me upset, it’s really sweet that you’re waiting for Connor, but honestly I doubt he’s coming. I was annoyed at him for making you wait around, and I wasn’t sure how to tell you, that’s all”. 

“You don’t think he’s coming?”, Evan asked dejectedly, “But do you think he’s okay? Like you don’t think anything bad happened to him, do you?”

“I mean I don’t know for sure, but I know he’s left me at school plenty of times before, which is how I finally convinced my parents that I needed a car too. He’s probably just at home playing video games high or completely passed out. I could text my mom and see if he’s home, so you don’t have to worry. I’m really sorry Evan,” Zoe admits, looking up at him, the previous annoyance in her big green eyes replaced with sympathy, presumably for Connor’s mistreatment of him, then she looked down and quickly typed out a message to her mom.

“What do you mean high, Zoe?”, Evan asks, when she faces him once more, a little embarrassed by his naivete, but for some reason he felt safe asking her this. Connor always seemed normal when they hung out, and he’d never seen him like snort anything before. Was there more to being high? 

“Um,” Zoe pauses clearly uncomfortable at the direction their conversation has taken, “He smokes a lot of weed, maybe dabbled into some other stuff, I don’t really know. But we don’t have to talk about that. I heard Connor telling my mom about your job as a park ranger. That’s really cool”. 

Evan was satisfied with her answer, but a little upset that he was hearing it from her and not Connor, so he chose to ignore the little warning bells in his head—they were almost always there, so he was pretty good at ignoring them—and to continue talking with Zoe, the first time he’d been able to without Connor dragging him away, and he was going to make the most of it, she was nice to him. “Well, apprentice park ranger. I mostly take notes for the rangers while we catalog different species. But I really like it. It’s peaceful out in the forest, you know?”, Evan says starting to relax into their conversation.

“It sounds like a perfect fit for you,” Zoe chuckles, checking her phone after feeling it vibrate. “According to my mom, he’s upstairs taking a nap. I’m sorry he didn’t tell you where he was, that’s not cool”, Zoe says apologizing for her brother. 

Evan shifts uncomfortably, the news that Connor was okay should have made he relieved, but he was still kind of annoyed and Zoe shouldn’t be the one apologizing for him, so Evan tells her just that, “Zoe, you shouldn’t apologize for him. He decided to leave school and not tell me, that’s on him not you”. 

“Sorry,” she laughs at the look Evan gives her, “Oh, you know what I mean. I’m just used to apologizing for him, it’s just a force of habit, I guess. I promise I’ll stop. Since now you know Connor’s not coming, I could give you a ride home if you want? Or to my house if you still wanted to see him?”. 

Normally Evan was hesitant to get into cars with other people, (he liked driving himself, but his mom couldn’t afford a second car for him) and it had taken Connor several attempts to get him to agree to driving with him, but he felt himself easily agree to being with Zoe, he didn’t know what it was about her that made him throw all his usual anxious tendencies out the window. 

“Yeah, could you just take me home though?”, Evan asks her, not wanting to tell her that, no, he did not want to see Connor, he wanted the night to plan what he’d say to him tomorrow.

“Totally, I have to grab something from my locker first though, walk with me?”, Zoe asks, assuming Evan would follow her as she starts to walk in the direction of her locker. Evan quickly matches her pace walks next to her side. 

“So, Evan, tell me more about yourself, the only things I know, I’ve overheard from Connor from conversations I wasn’t really meant to be a part of. I want to know more about the mysterious Evan Hansen”, Zoe says chuckling at the faint blush rising on Evan’s cheeks. 

“I don’t know about mysterious, more like anxious,” Evan lets himself laugh, “I’m not great at talking about myself, but I’ll try. Actually, you seem to be one of the only people who I can talk to, and that’s cool. Normally I stammer pretty badly and get really nervous”, Evan is too busy talking to notice the blush rising on Zoe’s face too, as he continues, “But I’m, uh, a senior and I want to go to college next year, and I like trees, and my favorite color is blue. I think that’s about it.” 

“Well I’m glad you like talking to me, because I like talking to you,” Zoe says, having finally arrived at her locker, ducking her head in at the last part so that Evan wouldn’t see her blush. She pops back out with a purple notebook and sparkly purple coffee cup in hand, quickly closing her locker and facing Evan. 

“Well now it’s your turn, Zoe Murphy”, Evan prompts, surprising himself by wanting to keep their conversation going, he never wanted to continue to talk to people. 

“Hmmm…,” Zoe draws out, tapping her chin playfully, “Well to start, technically I should be a senior, I think I want to try and apply to music based schools for college, I play three instruments and I’m learning a fourth, and my favorite color is purple,” she laughs while holding out her notebook, cup, bag, and converse shoes.

They start to walk to Zoe’s blue VW bug, one of the only cars left in the lot at this time, casually chatting and laughing. Evan is once again shocked at how easy and fluid their conversation is, he doesn’t even talk to his own mom this way and he can’t figure out why he feels so natural talking to her, like it was the only thing he was meant to do. 

Shouldn’t he feel like this with Connor? What does it say about him that he gets on better with his boyfriend’s sister than his own boyfriend? Was this bad? He liked Connor, he really did, so why was being around Zoe filling his head with doubt? 

Evan shook his head to rid his mind of pestering thoughts and focused back in on his conversation with Zoe. They had reached her car and he was trying his best to get in the passenger’s side with minimal flailing and awkwardness. He looks over to Zoe who was currently stifling a laugh, and before he knows it their both laughing big belly laughs, over nothing really, and he kinda thinks that he’d do anything to keep hearing her laugh. 

When they finally stop laughing, Zoe plugs her phone into her aux cord and hands it over to Evan, who looks perplexed as to what he should do with the tiny object.   
“You can pick the music silly”, Zoe says putting the keys in the ignition, starting her car.

“I, uh, don’t know what to pick”, Evan responds shyly, looking away from her and trying to push her phone back to her. Connor _always_ picked whatever they listened to, and when he drove with his mom they talked instead.

“That’s okay Evan. I’ll put something on, but feel free to veto any songs you want, I won’t be offended,” Zoe says, finally selecting her old-school jazz playlist with classics by Ella Fitzgerald and Etta James. 

Evan is mesmerized by the first couple of bars that start playing, he’d never heard music like this before, and was a sure change from the hard rock and alternative rock that Connor chose. “This is really cool music Zoe”, he manages to say, somewhat trying to get their conversation flowing again. 

“Yeah I thought you might like it. You’re an old soul Evan”, Zoe chuckles, taking her eyes off the road for just a second to sneak a peek at him. He looked giddy and less nervous about the whole music thing and she kinda thinks a giddy Evan Hansen might be the most adorable thing she’s ever seen. She quickly turns back to the road and tries to forget about how cute Evan looks, she can’t think that and has no right to do it, he was dating her brother for god’s sake. 

Thankfully Evan doesn’t notice her inner turmoil and they continue to drive to Evan’s house. Evan directs her to the small shabby white house on the corner where she parks in the empty driveway. Before he could think better of it (something apparently, he does a lot now around Zoe), Evan blurts out, “Do you want to come inside? We have cookies”. 

Zoe thrown for a bit of loop by his outburst, she didn’t expect him to invite her inside, hesitates for a moment before trying to answer. Evan, taking her hesitation as a no, once again can’t stop himself from saying, “That’s okay. It was probably weird that I just asked you that. Today’s the first time we’ve really talked, and I probably just ruined it. But thanks for the ride anyways” and tries to get of the tiny passenger side door. 

In an effort to show him that it wasn’t weird, Zoe also gets out the car and steps in front of his path to the front door. “Evan, it’s not weird and you didn’t ruin anything, I just needed a second. So yes, I’d like to come inside, at least for a little bit, my mom will expect me home soon”. 

Evan freezes, staring at her, admiring how the outside sun was shining perfectly on her illuminating the spattering of tiny freckles across her nose. Evan is so lost in staring at her freckles he forgets to respond, causing Zoe to reach out and gently touch his arm, jolting him back to reality. 

“Sorry I got distracted by your freckles, they’re, uh, nice” Evan says sheepishly, he wanted to say pretty, but when he looked in her green eyes, he was reminded how similar to Connor’s they looked and he immediately felt guilty. “We can go inside now”, Evan says stepping around her and walking towards his front door, he doesn’t see the way Zoe smiles softly to herself or blush that tinged the tops of her ears. She doesn’t comment on the freckles thing, not wanting Evan to feel embarrassed and simply follows him inside. 

Zoe is immediately charmed by the cozy house, with pictures of Evan as a tiny baby all the way through him currently, buckets of house plants (she assumes Evan is responsible for those), and a bookcase full of well-loved texts on a variety of topics. She likes the home-y feel that is an instant contrast to her own home, where even with their family portraits, feels sterile and not lived in. She looks over to Evan who doesn’t seem sure what to do or say next, so she tries to take the pressure off him by saying, “I thought I was promised cookies?”

“Oh yeah, follow me”, Evan says looking a little better, dropping his school bag to the ground and leading her to the small kitchen. He motions for her to sit at one of the two barstools at the counter and grabs a container of chocolate chip cookies out of the cupboard. 

“My mom and I like to make cookies together when she has the time, this is our newest recipe”, Evan tells her taking off the lid, offering Zoe the baked goods. 

Zoe grabs a cookie, taking a bite and she can’t help the tiny moan that escapes as she chews and swallows. She immediately covers her mouth laughing at herself, “Oh my god I can’t believe that just happened. Evan these are so good. What’s in them?”

Evan laughs at her reaction and takes a cookie for himself, sitting down on the other barstool. “We only use brown sugar, add extra salt, and use milk chocolate chips”, Evan tells her like it’s a secret. 

“You guys should package and sell these, they’re that good”, Zoe says her mouth full of cookie. They share a second one and continue to talk until they’re interrupted by the vibrating of Zoe’s cellphone. 

“Oh shoot, it’s my mom, hold on”, Zoe tells Evan answering her phone. “Hey mom, sorry, yes I’m on my way home…I was talking to a friend after jazz band and they needed a ride home…no I wasn’t going to leave them there…okay I’ll be home soon…Love you too”. 

“Sorry Evan, I have to go home now, I didn’t realize it was so late”, Zoe looks at him apologetically gathering her keys and phone, before she pauses and looks up at him, asking, “Ev, what’s your number? I can text you, so you’ll have mine in case you ever need a ride again”. 

Evan blushes and recites his phone number to her as she taps it quickly into her phone and a second later, he feels his own phone vibrate in his pocket. He doesn’t mention that he normally doesn’t go by Ev, but it sounds right when she says it. Natural. 

“Perfect, you can text me even if you don’t need a ride too,” Zoe tells him as he walks her to the front door. 

“Uh, yeah, yeah”, is all Evan manages to say before Zoe is heading back to her car, and he quickly shouts to her, waving his hand, “Thank you Zoe!” 

She smiles widely and waves at him until she can’t see his figure anymore. When he can’t see her car anymore, he finally checks his phone. No new messages from Connor, but one new message from Zoe’s number, he changes it to her name before opening the message. A cute simple blushing smiley emoji and he can’t help but smile to himself. _Zoe Murphy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe are the cutest and Evan is a soft boi TM. I know a lot of people write Evan as being too anxious to drive, but my Evan is more anxious about not being able to leave if he needed to (aka one of my major triggers, I always drive myself places so I can leave whenever I want) this really has no effect on the story , I just thought I'd mention it! 
> 
> Also, the same as my last story, Connor is an "old" senior (18 for American schools), Evan is a "young" senior (17) and Zoe is an "old" junior (17). They way I've imagined it Connor and Zoe are less than a year apart and could technically be in the same grade and Zoe and Evan are closer in age than Connor and Evan. 
> 
> Next chapter I think will be some angst involving Connor and Evan, mostly now Evan knows about Connor and his drugsssss. But there will also be Zoe/Evan because I love them. Stay tuned!


	3. It's Funny How Things Can Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to school and talks with both Zoe and Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> Since I have to work from home for the foreseeable future, maybe updates will be faster? I don't know yet. I had a lot of writer's block for this chapter and just can't help feeling like my writing has gotten worse? Maybe I'm just in my head and stressing more about producing "good" chapters instead of enjoying writing, I don't know. 
> 
> However, I like to call this chapter "Zoe(me) has Evan do all the dumb things she's done in her terrible relationships (ignore problems, let someone tell them they were using work to avoid them (even though I'm working on a PhD and work a lot), continue to let people make you feel anxious, be scared of confronting your SO with problems, push away all your warning signs, etc". Anyways... with my teeny rant over I do like the Zoevan fluff in the middle. I think it's cute and I find them a lot easier to write. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading this story! It means a lot to me! Feel free to leave comments, kudos, or message me with anything you'd like to say, I'd love to hear from anyone! Happy Reading!!

Evan had tossed and turned all night thinking about what he might say to Connor. He hated confrontation but also hated the way he felt being stood up by his boyfriend. Connor hadn’t even texted him for the rest of the night, even though Evan was pretty sure he must have seen both of Evan’s “where are you?” texts and both of his missed calls. Maybe this really was Connor’s way saying he wanted to take a break? How was Evan supposed to know without asking or Connor telling? 

But then, he didn’t really want to reach out again and tell Connor he was upset, which yeah, he knew was passive-aggressive, but he wanted Connor to come to him and apologize before he had to bring it up. He wished Connor could just sense that he was mad, because he was, and take the initiative to fix it. 

But then again, was Evan being too much? Nothing terrible had happened, was he just making a bigger deal out of nothing? It took him a while to come to a conclusion, that no he wasn’t being irrational. Despite him having a rather pleasant afternoon with Zoe (which he wasn’t going to mention to Connor) he felt he was still entitled to be a little annoyed. It’s not that much to ask your significant other to tell you plans have changed and where they were if you were expecting them, and then not contact them for the whole night. Especially since Connor knew Evan and he knew how his anxiety got, or at least he claimed to, and he still stood him up. Or maybe he didn’t know, and everything was all a big misunderstanding. All the possibilities swirled around in Evan’s head making him second guess every one of his feelings, which made his anxiety-induced insomnia even worse. 

Evan seriously considered texting Zoe to see what Connor was doing, but he didn’t want to risk dragging her into the middle more than she already was by driving him home, and he wasn’t completely sure they were even friends. He considered talking to his mom about it, because she usually gave really good advice, but she looked so tired when she got home, Evan couldn’t dump all this on her, because it was probably nothing anyways. He considered calling Jared, but their friendship was surrounded by more light-hearted things like school, video games, temple, and Evan was pretty sure Jared would just tease him about having a “lover’s quarrel” than actually offer advice. 

With the whole list of four people Evan could potentially talk to deemed unacceptable, Evan was left to spiral by himself all night and woke up more tired than he had in a long time. The only thing he had come up with was 1) it was okay that he was mad and 2) to “fix” the problem he would skirt around any type of confrontation and just see if Connor said anything at school. He knew avoiding things wouldn’t work forever, but for today it was all he had.

Evan dragged himself through his morning routine and barely managed to wave goodbye to his mom as she handed him his lunch, before walking to school. He enjoyed walking to school every morning, being outside usually helped clear his head in preparation for school and today it was helping him prepare to face his boyfriend.

Evan did his best to blend into the hordes of students in the hallway, something after years of practice, he was pretty good at. He seamlessly made it to his locker and first period without catching the attention of anyone. Connor and him only had fourth period together followed by lunch, so Evan could avoid him most of the day if he wanted to, which he kinda did.

Evan managed to get through his first three periods and nutrition break without focusing too hard on his relationship woes, but now it was fourth period and his heart was pounding with anxiety as he sat in his usually seat in the back row. Shortly after, Connor walked in and managed to catch Evan’s eye, smiling at him, clearly more excited to see Evan than Evan was to see him. Evan smiled back though, trying not to let on that he was annoyed and anxious. When Connor reaches Evan, he leans down to kiss him on the cheek, ignoring the way Evan slightly flinches at the contact, adding a short, “Hey babe”, as he sprawled into the desk next to Evan. 

Evan, unsure how to really respond because he was taken by surprise by Connor’s kiss once again (he had asked him not to do that at school, and still Connor did it) and just barely got out a shaky “H-hey”. 

As the bell rang, Mr. Walker, their literature teacher, began discussing the lesson plan for the day, instructing the students to get out their analysis of chapter three of _Dante’s Inferno_. Ignoring him, Connor turns to Evan, who was doing as Mr. Walker said, and starts to say, “Evan, do you have plans Saturday? There’s music festival like one town over and the tickets are only like 20 bucks. We should go”. 

“Connor, cl-class has st-started, we can talk at l-lunch”, Evan whispers trying to avoid getting caught talking during class, Mr. Walker was strict, and Evan did not want to get called out in front of the entire class. 

“It’s fine. Anyways, so they have like six stages and there’s going to be hella food trucks and it looks so cool”, Connor rambles on, ignoring Evan’s silent pleas to just stop talking.

And just as Evan feared, they hear the booming voice of Mr. Walker yelling, “Connor, Evan care to share with the rest of the class what is more interesting than today’s lesson?”

Evan shrinks into desk, face bright red, shaking his head no, refusing to look anywhere but his notebook, while Connor does just the opposite, yelling back, “Yeah, we were talking about something way cooler than lame-ass Dante. Everyone knows the real hell is this high school”, smirking at Mr. Walker’s stunned expression. 

“Connor Murphy, you can stay after class for detention during enrichment. Now everyone back to the main themes of chapter three”, Mr. Walker says, thankfully leaving Evan out of the punishment and turning back to the board. 

Evan gives a sympathetic smile towards his huffing boyfriend, but he did try to tell him to stop sooner. The rest of the class goes on without any interruptions from any students and when the bell finally rings, Evan starts to pack his bag, planning on leaving Connor for his detention, when Connor whines, “Ev, you’re going to leave me? When all the lame freshmen get here for enrichment?” 

The only thought that crosses Evan’s mind was how much better “Ev” sounded coming from Zoe than from Connor, but Evan doesn’t say that and instead sits back down and finally says, “I g-g-guess I could stay”. 

Evan reaches into his backpack to grab some math homework, might as well get work done if Connor wants him to sit here in silence with him, when Mr. Walker comes up next to him and says, “Sorry Evan you can’t be in here. Enrichment is only for freshmen and those who choose not to follow rules”, glaring at Connor for the last bit. 

“O-o-okay sir. I’ll g-g-go”, Evan stammers, jamming his math homework back into his bag and scurries out of the classroom, stopping by the door to offer a tiny wave to Connor, a signal that they’d meet up when enrichment was over. 

Evan walks to his locker and grabs his lunch bag, planning to go sit outside until Connor was done with detention. Sometimes he would hang out with Jared, but today he just felt like being in the sun alone. Evan was basking in the sun, carefully nibbling his pretzels when he feels someone sit down next to him. When he looks to see, he finds it’s none other than Zoe Murphy, smiling brightly at him. 

“Hey Evan, whatcha doing all alone, I thought for sure my brother would be out here with you,” Zoe says pulling a bag Cheez-Its from her backpack.

“Uh, Mr. Walker gave him detention for talking in class, he has to stay through enrichment”, Evan says, looking at the ground, trying to not have a repeat of yesterday by staring at her freckles. 

“Well that means there’s approximately 20 minutes we can hang out until Connor comes to find you,” Zoe says cheerfully, munching on her crackers. 

“Don’t you have something better to do though?”, Evan asks before realizing how rude that sounds. Zoe pauses and Evan sees a flash of sadness cross her face and she asks, “Do you not want me here?” 

“No, I do, I do, I swear,” Evan says and sees Zoe relax a little. “I just figured you probably didn’t want to spend half of lunch with your brother’s weird boyfriend, that yesterday was like a one-time thing, that you were just being nice”, Evan tells her looking up from the ground to meet her green eyes.

“I don’t think you’re weird and I had a lot of fun talking to you yesterday. I was trying to be nice, yeah, but it’s more than that. You seem more, I don’t know, real, I guess, than most people here and I think we could be good friends,” Zoe admits, a slight blush tinging her cheeks. She looks back down and kicks a tiny pebble before adding, “if you want to be” in a softer voice. 

“Y-yeah I want to be friends. I never thought someone like you would want to be friends with someone like me. I’m not really used to having friends, so I’m going to apologize in advance if I mess it up somehow,” Evan says, fidgeting with his hoodie drawstrings out of habit. 

“I don’t think you’ll mess it up Evan”, Zoe tells him sweetly, setting her hand on his shoulder gently. And for once, Evan doesn’t flinch away from the contact, but actually takes comfort in the gesture, Zoe really does want to be friends with him. Evan nods and Zoe retracts her hand and goes back to eating her crackers. 

“So now that we’ve established that we’re o-ficially friends,” Zoe starts, emphasizing the “o” in officially before stating seriously, “we can get down to business”. 

Evan stares at her for moment unsure about her change in tone, but when he looks in her eyes, he sees a playful twinkle and he knows she’s just joking around. 

“I’m going to need to know your Hogwarts house and favorite Harry Potter character. Ready go”, Zoe says now fully giggling and smiling at him. 

“Well, my favorite is obviously Hermione, she’s the best one in all the books, Harry would be nowhere without her”, Evan says smiling back at her as she nods in agreement.

“Agreed. Hermione is my favorite too. Sucks that she ends up with Ron though. I don’t care for him”, Zoe laughs and continues, “I think I fit best into Gryffindor, but I wish there was a house that emphasized music and creativity more, because that’s where I’d be. Don’t think I forgot that you didn’t answer your house, mister”, she finishes her sentence by jabbing Evan in the arm playfully with her finger. 

“I don’t usually advertise that I sort into Hufflepuff because people say it’s a throwaway house”, Evan says poking her back as he adds, “Not everyone can be Ravenclaw or Gryffindor”.

“Hufflepuff is so not a throwaway house Evan!” Zoe exclaims, outraged at his dismissal of his house, “I hate when people say that too. Hufflepuffs are loyal and honest and think of other before themselves and those are great qualities. Be proud to be a Hufflepuff!” 

“Okay, I will”, Evan smiles at her again, charmed by how much she cared. Jared claimed they had outgrown Harry Potter by the eighth grade and he’d never brought it up with Connor for fear of seeming lame or childish, so it was nice to talk to Zoe about something he enjoyed. It was refreshing.

They continue to talk and laugh about Harry Potter, agreeing that yeah both Snape and Dumbledore are the worst and found that they agreed on most “hot takes” within the fandom.

Evan can’t remember a time where he felt this happy just talking to someone. He didn’t want it to end but eventually the bell signaling the end of enrichment blared across campus and Zoe grabs the remnants of her lunch and her backpack. She stands up and Evan can tell she doesn’t want to leave, but she waves to him and says, “See you Bio Evan” as she walks away. Neither of them needed to say out loud that she couldn’t be there when Connor showed up, they knew if she was things would end badly. Evan waves back her retreating figure and tries to keep his spirits high for when Connor finds him, maybe they could keep talking about Harry Potter together. Evan bet that Connor was a Slytherin, with his brooding mysterious thing, and not to mention he was pretty clever. The thought made Evan a little bit happier.

Before Evan had any time to think more about what Harry Potter aspects best fit his boyfriend, he appeared in front of him, sitting down dramatically. 

“Ugh I hate dumb Mr. Walker, I can’t believe he made me stay for detention,” Connor says, clearing looking for Evan to commiserate with him. Evan considers it for a second, but Connor knew Mr. Walker’s rules and chose to ignore them, so he honestly doesn’t feel that bad.

“Yeah”, is all Evan manages to get out before Connor launches into a mini tirade about Mr. Walker, ignoring the way it was starting to make Evan uncomfortable. All Evan can do is nod and try not to think about how different his conversation with Connor is than the one he was just having with Zoe. 

Connor finally wraps up his Mr. Walker rant and switches subjects to what initially got them in trouble to begin with, “So this music festival, it’s all day, and like three of my favorite bands are going to be there and I really want to take you”. 

“It’s on Saturday, this S-s-saturday?”, Evan asks, knowing Connor would be upset with what he had to say next.

“Yeah, I was thinking we could leave at like 10 and stay the whole day,” Connor says looking at Evan excitedly. 

“Connor”, Evan starts and just by the tone of his voice, Connor’s smile starts to fade, replaced by the annoyed look he had when he joined Evan at lunch. 

“I have to w-w-work Saturday, you kn-knew that,” Evan says, avoiding looking at Connor’s face, which he was sure was clearly displaying his disappoint. 

“You’re always working on the weekends; I swear we never get to do anything. Can’t you call in sick or something? I feel like you use work to avoid hanging out with me!”, Connor says letting his voice rise, startling Evan. Connor had never directed his anger towards Evan and Evan did not like it one bit.

“C-connor, obviously it’s n-n-not that. I need my j-j-job. Of course, I w-want to g-go”, Evan replies even though an all-day music festival sounds like the last place he’d ever want to be, but he figures out right saying that to Connor would only make things worse.

“Well we like never get to hang out”, Connor whines, and Evan once again doesn’t think it’s appropriate to bring up that he was free yesterday when Connor never showed up, but he was worried about the conversation escalating. 

“Well I c-can’t skip work. S-sorry Con. Maybe n-next time? B-but you should g-g-go if you want to”, Evan offers even though he secretly hopes there wouldn’t be a next time and Connor could just go by himself. 

“I guess”, Connor says picking at his black nail polish before adding hopefully, “I’ll keep looking at more things like it and maybe with more notice you can request time off or something?”

“Yeah, maybe”, Evan mumbles and he doesn’t know why he can’t just tell Connor, that asking for time off is something he’d never feel comfortable with and the longer they talked about this the more anxious Evan was feeling. 

Luckily, Connor seems somewhat assured with Evan’s shaky answer and starts to talk more about the bands and what else would be at the festival. Evan starts to tune out a little and before he knows it the bell rings and lunch is over. Evan realizes he never gets a chance to ask Connor about Harry Potter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hufflepuffs Unite! I too am a Hufflepuff (in case you couldn't already guess that) and that means my Evan has to be one too. Zoe and Evan are now Official Friends and also the cutest. Evan is feeling tense about his relationship with Connor but is too anxious to do anything about it. Next up I don't have a clear vision yet, but I'm thinking Zoe might visit Evan at work and Evan and Connor might get into an actual fight, but we'll have to see what flows next! 
> 
> Everyone stay safe and hopefully everyone is doing okay while being quarantined.


	4. Try to Quiet the Noises in Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is starting to have doubts about his relationship with Connor. Zoe visits Evan at work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! 
> 
> I hope everyone out there is safe and practicing social distancing! I did not end up getting to any Connor/Evan in-person angst, it's all in Evan's mind, but funny enough I managed to write Zoe/Evan fluff for days (insert shrugging emoji here) . I'm planning on having them get into a big fight and hopefully this chapter is a nice lead up to that. Full disclosure: I don't know anything about what park rangers do, I made it all up, so if it's wrong, oh well. 
> 
> Being at home and not going out is sooooo hard, but having more time to write has been nice, so hopefully I can update 1-2 times a week now if I have to keep working from home.
> 
> Ummmm. I don't think I have anything else to say except thanks you for kudos and please continue to kudo / comment / message me with any feedback or anything else you want to say! Happy reading!

Weeks drag on and Evan finds himself growing more and more annoyed, with what exactly, he wasn’t quite sure. Everything seemed to put him on edge lately. Connor was always late, didn’t show up at all, or was high when they were supposed to hang out. Evan never told Connor that he knew he was doing drugs, but the WikiHow page he read had straight forward signs, plus Zoe had confirmed it the first time Connor stood him up. He was more touchy than ever and blatantly ignored Evan’s discomfort, and he was constantly suggesting things to do that either Evan couldn’t afford or took place when Evan was working. He felt like a broken record telling Connor over and over why he couldn’t do those things, and Connor always made him feel guilty about turning down his suggestions. But Connor never suggested things Evan would actually want to do, like go for a hike, finish a puzzle, make cookies, or whatever. And yeah, maybe those things were boring to some people, but Evan liked them, and Connor wouldn’t even try.

But, when things were good, the times when Connor followed through and showed up sober, they were actually pretty good. They would watch Youtube videos and laugh at the ridiculousness, Connor using his trademark snarkiness to add commentary that made Evan laugh full belly laughs. When Evan could convince Connor to go to the park with him, they’d stroll around and sometimes Evan would let Connor hold his hand. Evan loved the way you could see strands of red in Connor’s hair when he was in the sun. The times when Connor showed Evan his sketch book filled with beautiful drawings and even some short comic strips. All the wonderful things that reminded Evan why he had a crush on Connor to begin with.

It was frustrating for Evan and he didn’t know how to process all his emotions. The ups and downs were starting to be a lot for him to handle. Evan felt like their relationship was straining and drifting, that the good things weren’t enough to make up for the bad things. 

Evan’s only outlet to help him forget about his relationship troubles was the time he spent with Zoe. Which from the outside, seemed awful, that Evan hung out with his boyfriend’s sister to de-stress from the time he spent with said boyfriend. But he couldn’t help it, Zoe and him just clicked when they were together. 

When Connor was late Evan passed the time texting Zoe, sometimes memes, sometimes day to day chatter, sometimes homework help, and sometimes their conversations lasted all afternoon and into the night, leading to revealing late-night sleepy confessions about their inner most dreams. They talked about everything and anything. When Evan was sure Connor wasn’t going to show up, Zoe would come pick him up and they would hang out at his house, doing the exact things that Evan found so hard to persuade Connor to do with him. With Zoe he felt like he could be his whole self, anxiety and all. Zoe never tried to brush aside things that made him anxious, she validated his feelings and just let him talk through them, something not even his mom was able to do. 

==

It was Saturday and Evan was working at the park, mostly walking around and “maintaining” the trails. He usually liked it because he got to be alone in the forest and it made him feel like he was doing something to help the earth. But today though, he wished he wasn’t so alone with his thoughts. The day before him and Connor and gotten into another “not-argument” about Evan “purposely working to avoid Connor”. It makes him wonder if maybe he was subconsciously doing that? But he had the same schedule, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday since before him and Connor had started dating. Connor knew that and knew how important this job was to Evan. 

Evan walked up the trail to the main center of the park, ready to start on his next assigned trail, when he catches a glimpse of long brunette hair streaked with purple, carrying a sparkly purple bag, looking confusedly at one of the park signs. 

“Zoe?”, Evan calls out, walking up to her. Suddenly his day seemed to be turning around.

Zoe turns around, relief flooding her face as she sees Evan, and she smiles at him, starting to walk up to him with a tiny skip in her step. 

“What are you doing here? Not that you’re not allowed to be here. And not that I’m not happy to see you, because I am. But not too happy, just the normal amount of happy. I’m just going to stop talking now,” Evan rambles to her, smiling back as she approached him. 

“Hey Ev! I was trying to surprise you”, Zoe says, gently resting her hand on his arm, and Evan can’t help leaning into the small touch. 

“ I was bored, and home was really bad, and I thought maybe it was around the time you could take a lunch break or something and we could hang out. I brought snacks” she finishes, motioning to her bag for emphasis.

“You came all the way out here to see me?” Evan asks her, baffled that he was her first choice when she wanted to escape, which he’d ask her about later. He was sure it had something to do with his and Connor’s not-fight from yesterday. Zoe had confided in him that Connor used to fight a lot with their parents (full-on screaming matches) and usually tried to drag her into it too, but it had stopped mostly when he and Evan had started dating. The thought that the Murphy family conflicts were back gave Evan a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Of course! You always cheer me up and I figured you couldn’t just text or talk all day while you were working. I thought in-person might be a little easier to swing. If not, I’d just continually pretend to be lost, needing the help of the friendly apprentice park ranger to get back to the designated trail”, Zoe laughs, removing her hand from his arm and returning it to her bag, swinging it playfully, clearly already in a better mood. 

“I only have one more trail to check, before I can take a break, want to join me?” Evan asks her, pretty excited as this next trail was one of his favorites. There was a tiny meadow that was blooming some fall flowers and he was pretty sure Zoe would love it. 

“Lead the way, parker ranger”, Zoe says, moving her bag to one shoulder so she could link arms with Evan, like they were in the _Wizard of Oz_. 

Evan laughs at her antics and leads her down the trailhead, telling her all the interesting facts he knew about the trees along the path, eventually letting her go to pick up any debris or clear the path from branches and whatnot. Zoe looked content, like she could listen to Evan talk about trees forever. It made him very happy, it was usually her that talked more in their conversations, but here, out in the forest, Evan was in his element and he could return what she normally did for him. He felt equal to her and it was nice feeling, something he never felt when he was around Connor. 

When they reached the end of the designated trail and Evan pointed out the small clearing with wildflowers, Zoe’s eyes lit up like he’d never seen before. 

“I figured you’d like this trail because of this clearing. It always reminds me of you whenever I walk it,” Evan says turning away from her slightly to hide his growing blush. It doesn’t end up mattering, because Zoe’s not looking at him, she’s taking off her sneakers and carefully walking into the middle of the small clearing and laying down within the flowers. 

Evan hesitates, he really should continue to work, or at least tell his boss that he was taking a break, but he really wants to join Zoe, and he figures one time was okay, so he takes off his work shoes and joins Zoe in the clearing.

And like two teens in a cliché movie, they turn to face each other and smiling enjoying the moment, and if Zoe happens to grab his hand, he doesn’t say anything, just enjoys the time spent with her, as if the rest of the world had suddenly disappeared and nothing mattered except them. 

==

They eventually walk back to the main park area and Evan surprisingly misses the feel of Zoe’s hand in his. He didn’t think about them getting sweaty or wonder if she was doing it because she thought she had to. Evan feels happy, but also guilty. He shouldn’t be doing these things with her, even if this is the first time something even remotely romantically inclined has happened, because he was still technically with Connor, but he thinks that might be the root of his problems. But if he broke up with Connor and things progressed with Zoe, how would that look? Would Connor even understand? No, probably not. God everything was just a mess. 

Evan is still lost in his thoughts as he joins Zoe at a picnic table, returning from telling his boss that he was going on his lunch break. Zoe had been on her phone, posting some of the pictures she took in the meadow, but puts her phone down to turn her attention back to Evan. Whenever they were together neither of them ever checked their phones—unless it was their moms. 

“Hey Ev, I can see the wheels turning in your head. What are you thinking about?”, Zoe asks, concerned about the way Evan usually let his thoughts spiral, especially in the wake of such a wonderful day. 

“I, um,”, Evan hesitates, should he tell her what he was thinking about? Or should he lie? He didn’t like lying to Zoe, but sometimes he lies to Connor to make him feel better, was that bad? But then he remembers why she said she was here in the first place and settles on asking her, “I was wondering if you were okay? You said home was bad earlier and I was worried about you”. 

Zoe shifts uncomfortably in her seat, and Evan fears he’s asked the wrong thing and is about to apologize profusely, when Zoe answers, “It was just Connor and my parents fighting some more. My headphones weren’t loud enough to drown out the yelling, so I just wanted to leave”. 

“Do you know what they were fighting about?”, Evan asks her, tentatively setting his hand on her extended forearm, a completely platonic comforting gesture. 

“It could have been anything honestly. Everything seems to set them off these days. Connor seems to find any reason to pick fights”, Zoe explains crumbling a stray piece of cookie in her free hand. 

“I’m sorry. It’s probably my fault. Connor and I have been fighting a lot lately too, ever since that day we first hung out and he stood me up. And I know we don’t really talk about Connor when it’s just us, but I don’t know where I was going with this,” Evan trails off even though he did know what he wanted to bring up, but he was suddenly too embarrassed to go any further. 

“Evan, it’s not your fault. I think yelling and Connor just go together, at least in recent years. He didn’t used to be like this, we used to be best friends, you know”, Zoe tells him, sadness creeping into her voice. Evan moves his hand down to meet hers, slowing rubbing tiny circles with his thumb, he’s not even aware he’s doing it.

“I always wondered why he talks about you, like, like…”, Evan tails off again and Zoe finishes his thought with, “Like I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to him?” 

Evan can only nod his head in response, looking away from her, hating that he had instigated this conversation. 

“It happened around the time we moved here. Connor started acting differently, pulling away from me. We’re so close in age, we’re not even a year apart, we’d always been the best of friends growing up. Our old school was one of those weird hippie-schools that mixed grades, so Connor and I always had each other, and I think most people just assumed we were twins. But when we moved here our parents split us into different grades and I started to make friends and Connor didn’t really. I told him he could always come be with me and my friends, but he refused. Throughout high school it just got worse and worse and soon I became the source of all his anger. I tried in the beginning, I really did, but he is always just so mad at me and yelling at me and threatening me, that it became just easier to pull away”, Zoe finishes her story, and Evan sees the tiny tears escaping and against his better judgement, leans forward to wipe them away with his thumb. When Zoe smiles at him in return, eyes still watery, but somehow the most amazingly bright shade of green, his stomach starts to flutter, and he would do anything to keep her smiling. 

“I’m sorry. I never knew any of that. Connor never really seems to want to talk about anything real. He usually just tries convincing me into doing something that makes me anxious. And he puts a lot of, I don’t know, like high stakes into our relationship and that puts a lot of pressure on me, like I can’t ever tell him when I’m not okay. And I know it’s not fair to dump my things about Connor on to you too. It’s just hard and you’re the only person who seems to get that”, Evan tells her, feeling her intertwine both their hands together, and he doesn’t pull away, it actually makes him feel better. She’s telling him that yes, she does get it and she know the way Connor treats both of them isn’t fair. 

“I don’t think either of us meant to turn this afternoon into whatever this is,” Zoe says, squeezing Evan’s hand gently, “why don’t we finish your lunch break with something more fun,” she adds trying to turn the conversation around. 

“Sounds great, what’d you have in mind?”, Evan replies, squeezing her hands back, trying not to focus on the fact that neither of them had pulled their hands away yet.

“Want to hear a new demo I recorded?”, Zoe asks finally pulling her hands away to grab her phone.

“You know I always do”, Evan replies sheepishly, pulling his hands back now that hers weren’t on the table either. He misses the way her hands fit perfectly into his. 

They finish out the rest of his break listening to her music, returning to the happy carefree mood they’d been in before Evan had brought up Connor. He doesn’t want her to leave and once again without thinking he asks, “Do you want to stay longer?”

She doesn’t hesitate at all to say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe are the cutest, but I'm pretty sure I say that every chapter. We now know why Connor pushes Zoe away so much and that Evan is falling hard for Zoe (eeeekkk). Next up I promise Connor and Evan will get into an actual Connor-style fight, and who's to say why it happens or what will happen after? Based on fandom tropes I think it's pretty obvious how their fight is going to turn out, but I never really know what I'm about to write, so stay tuned!!!!


	5. Make Your Way Through, Strum Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks with Heidi and has dinner with the Murphy's, leading to Evan and Connor talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I meant to update sooner, but this chapter just got away from me, it's quite long, the longest chapter I've ever written. Also what is time anymore anyways?
> 
> I think this chapter is a good one (many developments) and can I just say Heidi Hansen is the best mama and I love her to death. 
> 
> If you read this and have read my other story Bruises, you're probably thinking, will Zoe ever write a normal family dinner at the Murphy's? The answer is no, no I will not. 
> 
> As always please leave kudos/comments or message me with anything you'd like to say. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions about this story! Happy Reading!!!!

Evan left his shift on Saturday afternoon feeling closer to Zoe than ever before. She had stayed for almost the entirety of Evan’s shift, helping when she could, like yelling at a group of boys who were trying to stray from the path for him, but mostly just keeping him company as he patrolled the trails. 

He thinks he feels a little closer to Connor too, that the reason he felt so far away from Zoe was maybe something he could help fix. But did he really want that? He knows it selfish to think like that, but with his growing feelings for Zoe, he knew it’d be harder on all three of them if things went poorly between him and Connor or with him and Zoe. But if he took himself out of the equation, he really did want the Murphy siblings to reconnect. Based on their talk this afternoon, Zoe seemed willing to try, but he knew Connor and he knew Connor wasn’t there yet. 

Evan grabs all his things and stuffs his headphones in his ears as he gets ready to walk home. He was going to finish the podcast episode he had started on his way into work, and when he got home, he was actually going to have dinner with his mom, something he’d been looking forward to all week. 

As he starts walking, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and he really hopes it’s not his mom cancelling on him. He’s shocked to see its Connor. Is it weird that he’s shocked by his boyfriend texting him at 4:45 on Saturday? 

**4:46 P.M. Connor Murphy:** Hey babe u free tomorrow night?  
**4:46 P.M. Connor Murphy:** Larry and my mom wont get off my fucking case about inviting you for dinner so u want to come? 

Evan pauses, standing in the middle of the sidewalk, thinking over the two texts that came in back to back. He thinks this was probably what started the fighting this afternoon at their house, which got bad enough to make Zoe leave. If he went would it start another round of fighting? If he didn’t go, he didn’t want Cynthia, Larry, or Connor mad at him. Also, Zoe would probably be there too, and they had never interacted around Connor since they became friends. Was he supposed to act like they weren’t pretty much best friends? He didn’t want to hurt her feelings either.

Evan frets about taking too long to respond, he doesn’t want Connor to think he’s ignoring him, and he settles with texting back,

 **4:49 P.M. Evan Hansen:** I have to ask my mom first but sounds good. 

Evan thought it would at least buy him some time before having to commit to this dinner. He knew his mom was going to be working and would have no problem with him having dinner at the Murphy’s, but he does want to talk to her about everything that had happened in the last few weeks. He originally kept things about Zoe and Connor from her because he didn’t want to burden her with his problems, but now he’s so confused he doesn’t know who to turn to besides his mom. He feels his phone vibrate again and he looks down to see two new text messages, one from Connor and one from Zoe. He opens Connor’s first, 

**4:50 P.M. Connor Murphy:** lol okay 

Really Connor, that’s all you had to say? Evan rolls his eyes and opens Zoe’s next,

 **4:50 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** Just a heads up I think you’re about to be coerced into coming to dinner tomorrow at casa de Murphy. I thought you might need some time to think it over 

He appreciates Zoe attempting to warn him beforehand, just knowing that an invitation like this would make him anxious. He smiles to himself before texting back,

 **4:51 P.M. Evan Hansen:** Yeah Connor just texted me about it, I told him I needed to talk to my mom, do you think I should come?

He starts walking again, if only to give him something to do while waiting for Zoe to text back. She was the only person that he never felt anxious about texting him back because she always did, no matter what, and sometimes it took her little longer because he knew she wanted to say the right thing. He imagines she’s probably biting her lip right now, a habit he noticed she does when she’s thinking. She has really pretty lips, and he wonders what it would be like to… No, he can’t think those things about her. He physically shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of other-than-friendly thoughts about Zoe Murphy. He was almost home before he felt his phone vibrate again. 

**5:03 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** I think if anything it’ll be interesting. If you’re worried about it, just follow my lead, I’ll try my best and we’ll have each other’s backs :)

Evan chuckles a little to himself about his worries from before, because of course Zoe would know what to do. He should have never doubted her in the first place. He hears his thoughts creeping in, making him think how it should be Connor reassuring him that everything would be okay, not Zoe. He forces himself to not think those thoughts, and it seems to be the only thing he does lately, push away thoughts. He stops in the driveway of his tiny house and types back, 

**5:05 P.M. Evan Hansen:** Thanks Zo :) Still going to talk to my mom about it, but it’s a yes from me :)

If you had told Evan two months ago that he’d be sending _Zoe Murphy_ a text message with not one, but two smiley faces, and with a nickname for her, he probably would’ve laughed about the impossibility of it all. But he thinks he wouldn’t do anything different, even dating Connor, because it led to them being friends and he never wanted that to change. 

Evan unlocks his house and walks in, taking off his shoes and dumping his bag in the entryway, before walking into the kitchen to greet his mom, who was hovering over the stove. 

“Hey mom”, Evan says hugging her tightly, somewhat startling her, but Heidi hugs him back just as tight, happy whenever Evan showed affection.

“Hey baby,” Heidi replies, giving him a quick kiss to the head, “Happy to be home?”. 

“Yeah,” Evan answers finally pulling away from Heidi and moving to sit at their counter, “but work was r-r-really nice today, Zoe came to visit me, and w-walked around with me for most of the a-afternoon”.

“Zoe as in Connor’s sister Zoe?”, Heidi asks him, raising her eyebrow slightly, not accusing him of anything, but simply inquiring. 

“Um, y-yeah, we’ve b-been hanging out a lot l-lately”, Evan tells her sheepishly, adding, “S-she’s a good f-friend”. 

“Are you sure that’s all she is, Evan,” Heidi asks knowingly, leaving the stove and leaning on the countertop across from him.

“I, uh, I’m not s-sure”, Evan confesses, starting to play with his hoodie drawstrings, his go-to nervous habit, “I t-think it c-could be more, but I’m still with Connor, and s-she’s his s-s-sister, and he doesn’t kn-know that we h-hang out”.

Heidi is about to say something but senses that Evan has more to say, and holds back to let him continue, returning to stir their dinner. 

“I st-still like being around Connor, but I k-keep hoping he’ll ch-change. We f-fight a lot and he d-doesn’t always listen wh-when I say stuff. It’s just, uh, so much e-easier with Zoe, and the Murphy’s want m-me to go to d-dinner tomorrow”, Evan tells her, looking up to meet her eyeline, something he rarely did. 

When Heidi meets his gaze, she sees how conflicted he his, her poor baby caught between two people he clearly cares about, not wanting to hurt either of them. She waits a moment, turning off the stove, gathering her thoughts before telling him soothingly, “It’s okay to feel all those things baby. You’re allowed to change your mind. Has anything happened between you and Zoe?”

“Nonononono,” Evan says frantically shaking his head, but then he remembers this afternoon when they were laying together in the field holding hands, asking Heidi, “Does holding hands c-count?”

“Well that’s up to you, did you want it to count?”, Heidi asks him, using his moment to think to grab two bowls and plate their dinner, bringing them over and sitting next to Evan at the counter. 

“Maybe, I d-don’t know, it didn’t feel like when Connor h-holds my hand though. Mom, wh-what should I do?” , Evan asks her.

“I can’t tell you exactly what to do sweetie, love is one of the things you have to work through on your own, but I can tell you that your feelings are important. Let the way you truly feel guide what you should do. And I know it’ll be hard for you with everything your head convinces you of, but to me it sounds like you already know what you should do. Maybe you can talk to Connor after dinner tomorrow. People who really care about you, they understand doing what’s best for yourself. It’s okay to be selfish about these kinds of things, really,” Heidi finishes patting Evan gently on the head, letting her hand settle on his cheek lovingly. 

Evan nods his head in understanding, if he thought this dinner was going to be hard before, he knew it was going to be infinitely harder, knowing what was going to come after.  
“Thanks mom, I love you”, Evan whispers to her, thankful that his mom was his mom, finally looking away from her and down at his dinner. 

“I love you too, Evan. You can always talk to me about these things, but let’s lighten the mood a bit, yeah? Just wait til I tell you what Sarah H. did today on the floor,” Heidi starts, telling him about the drama of the hospital floor she worked on. 

Evan lets his thoughts wander while Heidi talked to him, nodding when appropriate, enjoying her chatter in background. After dinner, when they sit down together to watch a movie, Evan chooses to sit right next to his mom, snuggling close into her side, something he hadn’t done since he was a little boy. 

==

Evan uses his shift the next day to practice in his head what he was going to tell Connor. It’s not you, it’s me? That was too cliché and also not true, it was kinda the things Connor did, so he couldn’t say that. I’m crushing on your sister and being with her is easy and being with you is hard. Obviously, he can’t say that either. The wikiHow page he looked at for “how to break-up nicely with someone” was no help either. He really needed to stop using wikiHow for answers to everything. I think we want different things from this relationship and I still want to be friends? That was kinda better, but still not great. God why was planning a break-up so hard?

Evan had forgotten to text Connor that he was officially coming last night and felt super uncomfortable when Connor sent him a text before the end of his shift saying, “cant wait to see u tonite babe”. Evan hadn’t texted him back yet, and almost an hour had passed. He knew he could use work as an excuse for his late reply, but eventually he’d have to respond, and he had no idea what to text back. Everything sounded fake and Evan didn’t want to mislead him. He already felt bad enough that his plan was to do the thing after dinner, as he couldn’t imagine doing it beforehand, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Murphy and Zoe confused as to what had happened.

As he starts to walk home he ends up sending a simple “Yeah, see you then”, back to Connor because he could not think of anything better to say, then puts his phone on silent. His cowardly way of avoiding any other texts. 

While he showers and gets ready he thinks about how he’s going to get to the Murphy’s , it was a 20-30 minute walk depending on the route he took, but then he’d probably have to walk home in the dark—no possible way Connor was going to give him a ride home. He thought about riding the old-school bike his mom had—a faster way home for sure—but he had an aversion to bikes after an incident in the 5th grade, he shudders just thinking about it. He seriously considers asking Zoe, knowing she’d say yes instantly, but he thinks Connor would be livid knowing Zoe gave him a ride to and from their break-up, and he doesn’t want him taking it out on Zoe. So walking it is. 

He checks his phone as he starts the walk to the Murphy’s neighborhood, and is relieved to see no new text messages, but he starts a new one to Connor,

 **5:48 PM Evan Hansen:** On my way

He didn’t want to be rude to the Murphy’s not letting him know when he’d show up, he might be awful, but he wasn’t impolite. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and doesn’t check it at all while he walks. 

By the time he reaches the Murphy’s front door, his heart is racing and he’s sure he’s sweating profusely, but there’s nothing he can really do about either of those things as he knocks on the front door. He really hopes someone hears his faint knock, because he absolutely despises ringing doorbells. Luckily, he hears footsteps a few seconds after knocking, and suddenly the door is being thrown open to reveal Connor, actually looking quite thrilled that Evan was there. 

“Hey Ev,” Connor greets him, pulling him inside and leaning in to try and kiss him. Evan awkwardly avoids it, by turning his face, so that Connor’s kiss ends up landing on his cheek instead. 

Evan pulls away quickly and sees a look of annoyance flash across Connor’s face. In an uneasy panic, desperate to not add more tension to the night right away, Evan leans back in to kiss Connor’s cheek back, muttering, “Hey Connor”, as he pulls away. Connor seems slightly appeased by Evan’s actions and intertwines his hand with Evan’s and closes the door behind them. Neither of them says anything to each other, just standing in the foyer holding hands, and Evan’s can’t think of a time where he’s felt this uncomfortable, and he’s almost always uncomfortable in any given situation. To make matters worse, Evan looks up the staircase and sees Zoe standing there, he wonders how long she’s been there and if she saw their awkward cheek-kiss-exchange. 

As soon as Connor notices Zoe too, he scoffs loudly and pulls Evan towards the dining room, saying, “C’mon Evan, we’re going to see enough of her tonight at the dumb dinner table”. Evan barely has time to glance back at her and see the sympathetic smile she was offering him. It matched his own exactly, silent apologies to each other for whatever the night may hold.

Evan checks back in to where he’s being dragged, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been in the Murphy’s formal dining room. It’s big, immaculately decorated, and Evan immediately feels underdressed in his dark wash jeans and forest green polo, even though Connor is wearing a band tee and ripped skinny jeans. He hears Connor say, “God, she is so annoying” like he was finishing the end of a paragraph. 

Shit. Had he been complaining about Zoe this entire time? Evan hadn’t been listening at all, taking in the opulence of the Murphy’s home. He just nods his head in agreement, acting like he knew exactly what Connor had been saying, but he’d bet that he wouldn’t agree with any of it, considering Zoe was his secret-best friend. 

Connor finally drops his hand to peak his head through the arch way that Evan assumed led to their kitchen to say, “Mom, Evan’s here”. 

Before Evan can really even blink, Cynthia Murphy appears in the arch way, walking right past Connor, towards Evan with her arms out-stretched, ready to give him a hug. Evan lets it happen, and tries his best to hug her back, he liked Mrs. Murphy for the limited time he interacted with her, but he didn’t think they’d be hugging, and he doesn’t want to be rude. 

Cynthia pulls away, giving Evan’s arms one last squeeze before saying, “Evan, I’m so glad you could make it. Larry and I have wanted to have you over for a proper dinner for ages, but you know Connor, always so resistant”. 

She says the last part with a cheerful laugh, and to Evan that’s the opposite reaction to the words she said, which leaves him confused on what to say, just staring at her blinking, until he manages to get out, “Th-thank y-you for having m-me Mrs. Mur-murphy”. 

“Oh Evan, it’s just Cynthia. Now you boys sit down, and I’ll call Larry and Zoe”, Cynthia says as she walks into the kitchen once more, leaving Evan standing by the wall while Connor smirked leaning against the arch frame. Connor reaches out towards Evan, guiding him towards the two seats closest to the kitchen, where they both sit down. 

“I’m really happy you’re here tonight,” Connor tells him, lightly pecking his cheek once more. Evan blushes from embarrassment, unsure how to respond. Connor was making Evan feel worse and worse about what was going to happen later on. Connor must assume Evan’s silence and blush are signs of endearment or something because he just continues to smile at Evan, seemingly content without a response from Evan. 

Evan uses the somewhat less awkward silence to take Connor in for a moment. Upon further inspection, Evan notices Connor’s pupils are widely dilated and red-rimmed, and he smells faintly of something earthy. Well, that explains Connor’s easy-going attitude and short temper at Zoe, he was high. Evan should have anticipated this, but he didn’t think Connor would dare to be high in front of his parents, he was wrong. 

Evan’s pulled away from his thoughts by Larry and Zoe entering the dining room and Larry clapping him on the back jovially before sitting down and, saying, “Evan, good seeing you here for more than a minute or two”. 

“Th-thank you for h-having me Mr. M-Murphy,” Evan repeats the same polite response that he gave Cynthia two minutes prior, looking down at his plate, wishing he was wearing his hoodie so he could fiddle with the strings. 

Larry seems satisfied with Evan’s answer, and the slight break in conversation gives Zoe a chance to add, “Hey Evan”, quietly with a small wave.

Evan tries to return the wave, but Connor smacks his hand down, turning to Zoe and saying, “Fuck off Zoe”, like it was a casual greeting. 

Evan defends her instantly saying, “She w-was j-just saying h-hi, b-being po-polite”, immediately regretting it when Connor’s eyes darken and he responds, “No she wasn’t” as if Zoe wasn’t sitting right across from them. 

Evan was at least glad that Zoe was sitting across from him, making it easier to steal glances at her to gauge her feelings. She notices him looking and offers the tiniest of shrugs, as if saying, “I’m okay, it’s the same-old, same-old with Connor”. Evan wants so badly for this dinner to go by quickly, he feels like every minute that passes by is like an hour, that the 15 minutes he’d been at the Murphy’s was almost the whole night. 

Thankfully, Cynthia comes bustling in at that moment with a casserole dish, setting it in the middle of the table. 

“Evan, I hope you like chicken parmesan. Connor didn’t say that you were vegetarian or anything like that”, Cynthia says looking directly at Evan and somewhat chiding Connor for not alerting her to his dietary preferences. 

Evan just nods his head in response, once again confused by the lightness of Cynthia’s tone, but scolding words. Cynthia just continues on describing her chicken parmesan scooping out heaping portions to put on everyone’s plate, before sitting beside Zoe. She's the first one to initiate conversation with Evan too, saying, “So, Evan tell us more about yourself, we only get the tiniest of snippets from Connor”. 

Again, with the mixed signals Cynthia? Evan tries his hardest to ignore that and glances over to Connor for some type of reassurance and he’s met with Connor rolling his eyes and stabbing his chicken with his fork. Evan glances at Zoe next, who trying her best to be subtle, and gives him a tiny nod of encouragement. Worried that he’s taken too long to answer, Evan quickly blurts out, “I like trees” and starts laughing nervously afterwards like a weirdo. 

Both Connor and Zoe chuckle along with him, but he senses that only Zoe’s is well-intentioned. The thought of Connor laughing at him makes his face turn red and he looks down at dinner once more, regretting answering Cynthia’s questions. 

“Well that’s lovely dear. Connor said you’re a junior park ranger over at Ellison State Park right?”, Cynthia says trying her best to sound encouraging in the face of Evan’s clear discomfort. 

Zoe chimes in too, saying, “The park is gorgeous, I wish I could be there more often”. 

Evan shoots her a grateful look and thinks she might’ve been implying that she wishes she could be there more often _with him_ and the thought makes him feel warmer inside and a little more comfortable. Zoe wouldn’t let anything crazy happen during dinner, at least. Evan then gets the idea to check on Connor to gauge his reaction to the conversation and Evan notices his normally blue eyes are dark once more. Not a good sign. 

“Weren’t you there yesterday Zo? Trying to stalk my boyfriend?”, Connor retorts, his voice louder, but not quite shouting. 

Zoe, clearly taken aback by his accusation, but also not expecting him to know that she was there yesterday, gathers herself and responds coolly, “I wasn’t stalking Evan. It’s a huge public park, I didn’t even see him there”. 

Evan knows she’s lying obviously, but he's not offended. She wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed that she was hanging out with him, it was more like a teensy lie to prevent a massive screaming match across the dinner table. She was protecting him, and he couldn’t be more grateful. 

Connor just grumbles in response, clearly mad that Zoe didn’t take his bait, going back to stabbing his chicken. 

Larry apparently now just joining in tries to ask, “Now, Evan you’re a senior like Connor, so what are your plans for college?” 

“I, uh, I a-applied to s-some state schools, and I’m w-waiting to hear back from f-f-financial aid”, Evan manages to say, once more embarrassed that he said he needed financial aid, something neither Zoe or Connor would have to worry about if they wanted to go to college. God, why can’t he just have a normal conversation? 

“Well I’m sure any school would be thrilled to have you. College is so important. I don’t think enough kids these days realize the importance of their education”, Larry says smugly and Evan garners that this is another coded scold to Connor, based on the way Connor’s face tightens and glare hardens. 

“A lot of people are very successful without going to college Larry”, Connor says spitefully, now apparently trying to pick a fight with Larry instead of Zoe. Was he purposely making this even harder for Evan or was this just the natural state of the Murphy family? 

Evan feels a gentle nudge on his leg from underneath the table, and he looks at Zoe. She’s giving him a questioning look, a silent “Are you okay?”. Evan wasn’t sure how to respond because he was not okay, his anxiety was getting worse by the minute and he wanted more than anything to just disappear. 

Evan had been so focused on Zoe that he didn’t notice the rising tension between Connor and his dad, because all of a sudden Connor jumps from his seat, grabs Evan’s arm, pulling him up too and turns to Cynthia saying, “May we be excused?”. 

Evan thinks it’s nice that he asked, but then realizes that Connor doesn’t mean it as he drags Evan out of the room before Cynthia can respond. Connor doesn’t say anything as he pulls Evan up the stairs and into his room, slamming the door closed. 

Evan remembers a few weeks ago, this exact scenario, Connor pacing around his room angrily, leaving Evan to stand awkwardly in the middle, unsure of what to do.

Evan was hoping Connor would be in a less angry mood when they came upstairs so that he could attempt to bring up the status of their relationship, but things were not going how Evan envisioned. 

Evan in an attempt to calm Connor down asks, “Do you w-w-want to t-talk about it? Why y-you’re so m-m-mad?”

“No!”, Connor yells at him, “God why is it you always want to talk about things. Can’t you just let me be mad?” 

Evan shrinks back toward the door; Connor didn’t usually direct his anger towards _Evan._ But he goes against his better instincts and tries again anyways asking, “Why do y-you n-never want to t-talk about a-anything s-s-serious? What if I could, I could h-help?” 

Connor stops pacing and looks directly at Evan with the same glare he gave Larry at dinner. Evan recoils a bit from the intensity and edges closer to the door. 

“You don’t get it and you never will” , Connor says icily, staring out his window. 

Evan was starting to get annoyed by Connor’s insufferable determination to not let him help, one of the reasons he wanted to break up. And although Evan might have terrible anxiety, he didn’t have a death wish (right now at least), so he knew bringing up a break up would not end well, so he chooses another route, hoping to get some of his complaints off his chest, and maybe Connor would change and they wouldn’t have to break up. 

“You never e-even let me try! I w-want to hear things fr-from you and how y-you’re feeling, but wh-whenever we talk about so-something serious you get all m-moody and it makes me n-n-nervous to be a-around you!”, Evan says back shakily, and his surge of action is starting to fade as Connor steps closer to him, eyes fully dilated and almost black. 

“So now I’m the bad guy? Is that what you’re saying? Everything makes you nervous Evan! You never hear me complain about all the times you flinch away from me or don’t respond to the way I try to show you I care about you”, Connor says using something he knew would make Evan upset against him.

“No, C-Connor that’s n-not what I’m s-saying. And that st-stuff is d-different and I told y-you th-that when we started d-d-dating, that it would be h-hard for me and y-you said th-that was o-okay,” Evan says quietly, starting to feel his breath quicken and his chest tighten. He thinks his heart starts beating even faster than before if that was even possible. He knew what was coming and he knew Connor would never be able to handle one of his panic attacks. 

“Well it’s not! And I’m sick of it! I’m always trying, and you never try at all,” Connor yells at him and Evan tries to stay present, but his vision was starting to blur, making it hard to focus on what Connor was shouting at him. 

Evan barely catches Connor saying, “I can’t deal with this. Ask my mom for a ride” as he storms out of the room, slamming his door once more. A few seconds later, Evan faintly hears the front door slam too. 

Connor really left him? Did he even notice the signs of Evan’s attack? Did he even care? Obviously not because he left. Evan wishes he’d been able to actually break up with him, he didn’t deserve this, and he knew the things Connor said weren’t true. He did try. Shit, he was trying even as Connor was screaming at him. Evan can’t hold off his attack any longer and he slides down the wall to seated and lets the panic seep in.

He’s not sure how long he sits there, feeling like he was having a heart attack, sweating against the wall of Connor’s dark menacing room, it could have been minutes or hours, time never meant anything during his attacks. 

But he looks up, scrunching his neck uncomfortably, as the door opens. He’s relieved it’s not Connor, but Zoe. He doesn’t necessarily want her seeing him like this, but anyone is better than Connor at this point in time. 

Zoe looks around the room, probably making sure Connor wasn’t there somewhere hiding, and slowly walks over to crouch next to Evan. 

“Hey Ev, it’s okay. It’s just me. I heard Connor yelling then heard the door slam. I wasn’t sure who left, but I figured you wouldn’t slam the door. It would be too impolite,” She says smiling at him. Part of Evan wants to laugh back, knowing that yes, he would never slam a door, but the part of him controlling his attack doesn’t let up and keeps him staring at her from his curled-up position. 

Zoe moves to sit next to him, against the wall, and tries to pull his head into her lap so she can gently rub tiny circles onto his back. He complies with her, letting her calming aura help calm him down too. 

“When I was little, I used to talk with a lisp. And nothing my parents did helped with it. Therapists, doctors, throat-soothing tea, my mom tried everything. And it got so bad, that anytime I talked in public, it would send me into a panic. My mom had to come pick me up so many times from school and she would just hold me in the car, rubbing my back until it was over, just like this. Eventually, I learned how to sing and that’s what finally helped. But I still talk with it, when I’m really nervous or can feel a panic attack starting,” Zoe tells him and he looks up at from the comfort of her lap, realizing that she 100% understood what he was going through and wasn’t judging him, but trying her best to help him. 

She looks so pretty, staring down at him with her green eyes and perfect freckles and perfect mouth, and he wants nothing more than for her to never let him go.

Evan is starting to feel better, so he moves to sit up, but Zoe keeps her arm around him, gently setting her head against his shoulder. Evan once again doesn’t know how long they stay connected like that, just sitting against the wall. 

When Evan feels about 80% done with his panic attack, he moves slightly to turn to face Zoe, to thank her for helping him through this, but when she faces him, they’re caught just looking into each other’s eyes.

And Evan’s not sure who moves first, he thinks it was Zoe, but suddenly their lips are crashed together and they’re kissing like there’s no tomorrow. Evan thinks he finally understands why people like kissing so much. It felt good and natural and absolutely perfect. 

As they pull away to catch their breath, they just stare at each other again, chests rising and falling deeply, unsure of what would come next. Zoe’s face flashes a look of guilt and she leans away from him, about to apologize, but Evan pulls her in again, kissing her once more. She easily melts into his hold and eagerly responds to his kiss. 

Evan’s not sure where him and Connor stand, or where him and Zoe stand for that matter, but probably for the first time in his life, he tells himself to worry about it later. To enjoy being in the moment, with Zoe, feeling light and airy and like nothing else in the world mattered. He was with Zoe and they had each other and that was good enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stuff. Is. Happening. Zoe and Evan kissed, but are Connor and Evan broken-up???? Next up Evan has to figure out where he stands with both the Murphy siblings and just like the author who is writing him, will likely avoid his problems until he can't any more. Let me know if you want a more fluffy BandTrees chapter next or a dramatic one! I'm leaning towards fluffy because I can't help it. Stay tuned!


	6. You Don't Have to Be Scared You're Not Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has a moral crisis over what happened at the Murphy's and him and Zoe talk it over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm back on my bullshit where I think this chapter isn't very good, but it's here anyways! I can't seem to write anything for work even though that's all I'm supposed to be doing right now, so instead we have BandTrees fluff. 
> 
> Originally, I had outlined that Evan was going to freak out after kissing Zoe and try to avoid her and Connor, but then I thought nah, my Evan would never intentionally avoid Zoe, he likes her too much and I like writing them being cute too much (insert blushing smiley emoji here).
> 
> Anyways, thank you to everyone who's reading, leaving comments/kudos and bookmarking this story! It means the world to me especially in the wake of everything that's happening around us right now. Reading Laura's post on Instagram yesterday was shocking and a big dose of reality about how scary this infection is, and also how mean people can be online about it (people were trolling her and that was not okay). I'm glad her and her BF are recovering okay and safe. I hope everyone out there is safe and have access to the things they need. Let's stay positive and supportive to everyone around us right now, virtual and in real life. Happy reading!

The rest of Sunday night happens in a dream like stupor for Evan, some parts he remembers with vivid clarity, and others were a bit hazy around the edges. At some point it registers to him and Zoe that they shouldn’t stay in Connor’s room, waiting like sitting ducks when (or if) Connor decided to return home. Zoe figures that honestly Evan shouldn’t even be at the Murphy house for when that happens either. Evan remembers Zoe holding his hand as they ventured into the hallway, asking him if he wanted a ride home, which he declined, not knowing what his adrenaline-filled brain would during a car ride with her, let alone what he might do when she dropped him off. Kiss her more? Probably. But he doesn’t ever think he’ll forget, no matter what state his brain was in, the way Zoe pressed the faintest fluttery kiss to his cheek as they parted ways. Soft, sweet, and a reminder of what could be.

He tried to decline Cynthia’s offer to drive him home as well, when she noticed him descending the stairs, clearly not knowing that Evan had stayed after Connor stormed out. He finally agrees after she insists, and he sees how sad she looks over the way the night turned out. A look that showed how desperately she wanted to be part of her son’s life but was failing so miserably at it. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if his mom looked that way at him.

If Cynthia talks to him on the drive to his house, he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t even remember supplying directions to his house, but he must have, because they arrive at his house sometime later. Where as soon as she puts the car in park, Evan promptly unbuckles his seatbelt, turns to her and thanks her for dinner and the ride home, then scuttles out of the car before Cynthia can even say “you’re welcome”. Once safely tucked away inside his home, Evan changes quickly into sweats and flops on to his bed and passes out. 

==

The next morning Evan wakes up and remembers everything that he did last night. His fight with Connor, his panic attack, Zoe comforting him, kissing Zoe. Holy shit he kissed Zoe Murphy last night. And she kissed him back. His elation that _Zoe Murphy_ , beautiful, confident, talented Zoe Murphy kissed him is squashed when he remembers he didn’t actually break-up with Connor last night. They fought sure, but Evan never made it to “I don’t want to be with you anymore”, and now all he feels is guilt. He’s a cheater and he’s turned Zoe into one too. 

He figures there must be some special place in Hell for people like him, because even though he feels awful, drenched in shame, he still thinks that being with Zoe felt perfect, like they were now connected on a different plane above the rest of the world, just the two of them. He thinks about all the silly articles Zoe’s read to him from _Seventeen_ about relationships and how they were “supposed” to feel (at the time, he thought they were ridiculous, he was in one and didn’t feel anything like what they said) but now he finally gets it. Being with Zoe, talking to her, kissing her, seeing her smile at him, everything single thing about her, made him feel exactly like what they described. Giddy. Self-assured. Smiley. Every positive adjective he could think of. He just hates that the person he feels so connected to, is his current boyfriend’s sister, so no matter what Evan did, all three of them would be involved somehow. 

Evan sits in his bed, frozen in his thoughts until he realizes he’s going to be late to school if he doesn’t leave soon. He may be suffering his life’s greatest turmoil, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be late to first period. The thought of everyone watching him walk in red-faced, breathing heavily is enough to spur him into action, getting dressed, bag packed, and teeth brushed in record time. He goes to grab his lunch his mom made him, seeing the note she left him, 

“Evan, I’ll probably be asleep when you leave for school this morning and at work when you get home today, but I want to know how dinner with the Murphy’s went. How about a Taco Tuesday tomorrow night? Love you so much, Mom”

He quickly jots down a confirmation so his mom knows he’s read her note, and he hopes with an extra day he might actually have a resolution to last night’s fiasco and he won’t have to admit to her that he’s an appalling cheater. Maybe he’d be able to tell her he did the right thing and broke up with Connor, but he doesn’t know what’ll happen with Zoe, so he doesn’t think about it too much on his walk to school. 

Instead, he thinks more about what his mom had said on Saturday, that his feelings were important, and it was okay to be “selfish”. He couldn’t stay with someone just because he was worried about hurting their feelings if they broke up. He deserved to be happy too, and regardless of what ends up happening with Zoe, Connor didn’t make him happy and it was okay to leave. If Connor really cared for him, which at this point Evan wasn’t really sure if he did or not, he’d want Evan to be happy. And Evan wants nothing more than for Connor to be happy too, just not at the expense of his own happiness, if that made sense. And he was starting to realize that maybe that’s exactly what he should say to Connor. The truth. Minus the bit about Zoe, obviously.

And as much as he wants to talk with Connor and get the inevitable over with, he really wants to talk to Zoe. Sure, she kissed him back yesterday, but he didn’t want to assume anything. Last night could have been a one-time thing or a mistake (Evan didn’t think that, but she might) or maybe she thought he was a terrible person now and didn’t want anything to do with him. He really hoped it wasn’t the last one.

He actually makes it to school with a couple minutes to spare, giving him time to dump some of his other books in his locker before heading to first period. He’s surprised about how not panicky he feels. Like there was his constant state of anxiety that was always there, but on top of that is an eerie state of calm. Nothing like how he felt all-day yesterday.

Evan’s nerves start to pick back up about halfway through third period, because him and Connor had fourth period together and as long as Connor didn’t get detention again, Evan was going to do it at lunch. And now that he thinks about it, at school with a full lunch hour, and two periods to go was probably not the best time to dump someone, especially someone who was known to ditch class whenever. But he had to do it and he figures there’s never going to be a “good” time. God, he hopes he never has to do this again. 

The bell finally rings, and Evan is slow to make his way to fourth period. He figures if he’s one of the last ones in the class, then all his favorite seats in the back, where Connor also sat, would be taken and he could pretend he hadn’t deliberately chosen a seat far away from him. As he enters the room, he scans the students, looking for one taller head with long brown hair amongst the masses, but he doesn’t find Connor at all. He stands in the doorway seconds too long, because the rest of the semi-late students rush in, knocking into Evan, making him stumble. He gets up and quickly sits down in a random middle-of-the-room desk, worried that people would tease him for tripping. Connor’s not among the horde that ran into Evan either. And when the bell rings to signal the start of class, Connor’s still no where to be found and Evan is pretty sure he’s not coming. Well there went his plan. The universe was trying especially hard to not make this easy for Evan. 

Evan tries to convince himself that Connor not showing isn’t the worst thing. This gives him time to talk to Zoe over lunch instead. Yeah, this is a good thing. He can talk everything over with Zoe first. She always knows what to do and he should’ve thought of that first anyways. Even if she’s mad at him or something, she would never turn him down asking for help. 

Before Evan knows it, fourth period is over and he has no idea what they covered, which any other day would have him spiraling, but today it’s the least of his problems. He’s not really hungry so he leaves his lunch in his locker and heads to the cafeteria to look for Zoe. 

Evan almost never goes into the cafeteria, it’s loud, filled with annoying teenagers, and always has an odd smell to it. He prefers to eat outside when he could or to eat in the library when it was cold outside. But he braves it today to look for Zoe. When he’s near the table her and some of her other friends normally sit at, he notices that she’s not there. He would ask them, but he didn’t know any of them and the anxiety he would have over asking them something was not worth it, so he turns to scan the lunch line even though he knows it’s fruitless, Zoe never buys lunch, so there’s no way she’s in line there. Where could she be? 

Evan leaves the cafeteria before he gets trampled by other students who forget he’s there, and heads to the library to look for Zoe there. It’s Monday, so she doesn’t have a band meeting, he was starting to get worried. What if something happened to her? Should he text her? 

He decides to keep wandering around the school, looking for Zoe and if he didn’t see her in fifth period, then he would text her. He didn’t want to come off as clingy and desperate before they even became an official _them._ He walks the school, looking for any glimpses of light brown hair streaked with indigo, and suddenly the bell rings and Evan realizes he spent all hour looking for her to no avail. 

He trudges along to his fifth period classroom, holding on to some hope that Zoe will be there. Both the Murphy siblings missing from school was not good. He sits down in his usual back row seat and pulls his phone out, ready to text Zoe if she doesn’t show. He knows it’s against the rules to text during class, but desperate times called for desperate measures, right? 

Seconds before the bell rings, Evan sees Zoe Murphy scurry in, taking an empty seat in the front row. He calms down knowing at least she was okay, even if she was acting strange. He tries all class to somehow get her attention, and at one point they do catch each other’s eyeline and Zoe quickly looks away, but not before he sees how sad she looks.

When the bell rings again, Evan tries to quickly grab her attention, even daring enough to call out her name, but just as fast as she got to class, she leaves, slinking into the hallway and disappearing among the students. Was she avoiding him? He had really hoped, mostly due to the sweet way she had kissed him on the cheek as he left last night, that they were on the same page, that she liked him the way he liked her. But he guesses he just misinterpreted a social signal-thing, it wouldn’t be the first time it’d happened. At the very least he needed to talk with her after school to apologize to her. He can’t believe he’s wrecked his friendship with her and with him still being certain that he needed to break-up with Connor, he’s devastated that he’s lost both Murphy siblings in one go.

Evan mopes all through his last period, thinking about why she might be avoiding at him, barring the whole kissing thing last night and dating her brother thing. He wishes he could take everything back, if it meant that he’d still have Zoe as a close friend. He hopes his apology works and she still wants to be his friend. 

When the final bell rings, Evan is the first one out the door, hoping to catch Zoe at her locker before she headed home. He was lucky he left early because he sees her jamming various things from her locker into her bag in a frantic manner. He calls out to her while jogging up to her locker, “Zoe, wait, can we please talk? I want to apologize to you!”

Zoe moves to face him, but doesn’t say anything, which urges Evan to continue rambling out his apology, keeping his eyes on the ground instead of her, “Zoe, I think you’re avoiding me and I’m sorry for everything. I’d understand if you never wanted anything to with me ever again, but I just wanted to tell you that you’re my best friend and I knew I’d mess it up somehow and I did. And I wanted to tell you I’m sorry about last night”. 

When he finishes his apology, he finally looks up to meet her eyes, which are riddled with confusion, which in turn confuses Evan. 

“Evan, why are you apologizing? I should be the one apologizing. That’s why I was hiding, because I thought you’d be upset with me. I completely took advantage of you last night during your panic attack. I knew you were having problems with Connor, and instead of helping you, I kissed you, something I wanted to do, without thinking about if you wanted it. I’m sorry,” Zoe tells him, starting to tear up, “I completely ruined everything”. 

Evan is at a loss for words, Zoe thought she was the problem? She didn’t do anything wrong! He was the one who was technically in a relationship, he was the problem. 

Evan rushes in standing even closer to her, gently setting his hand on her shoulder, saying, “No, no, no, Zoe you didn’t ruin anything. I swear. I was trying to break-up with Connor last night, but everything got out of hand when him and your dad starting fighting, then we started fighting and he stormed out. I was too scared last night to do it with Connor already in such a terrible mood”. 

“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better right?”, Zoe asks, leaning into his touch, looking up at him, placing her own hand softly against his neck. 

“I would do anything to make you feel better, but no. I’ve wanted to break-up with him for a while now, I just didn’t know how to do it. And…”, Evan trails off, deciding to just pull her into a real hug instead, his arms wrapped around her shoulders tightly. Zoe hugs him back, her head falling into the crook of his neck and her arms wrapped around his waist. They fit together like perfect puzzle pieces. 

They only break apart when Evan feels his phone vibrate, checking only because there was the possibility it was his mom. It turns out to be his boss from the park. Oh god, he’d been so preoccupied with Zoe that he’d forgotten about his shift, he was going to be late and in trouble if he didn’t hurry, so he opens the text quickly, 

**2:43 P.M. Paige Huryn (Boss):** Hi Evan, some of the managers are staying late after our staff meeting, so they’re going to stay and do trail maintenance today. Apprentice rangers have the shift off. See you Saturday! 

Evan sighs loudly in relief, he wouldn’t be late to work and now he had all the time in the world to talk with Zoe more. 

“Is everything okay Ev?”, Zoe asks, leaning back towards him, not sure if it was Evan’s mom on the phone or not. 

“Yes, sorry. It was my boss, she, uh, canceled my shift today, so I don’t have to go to the park now,” Evan replies, putting his phone away, deeming the message not necessary to respond to, and reaches down to grab her hand, smiling at her when he feels her intertwine their fingers together. 

“Evan were you going to say something before your boss texted you? ‘Cause it sounded like you were then you trailed off…”, Zoe says, her turn to stare at the ground sheepishly. 

Evan shifts back and forth anxiously, inadvertently swinging Zoe’s hand along with him. He supposes it’s now or never, to tell her everything with Connor has been ten times harder because of how much he liked her and how she made him feel seen in a way he was positive no one else could. Zoe waits patiently for Evan to collect his thoughts, every once in a while squeezing his hand encouragingly. 

“I, uh, was saying that it started to get a lot harder with Connor, when I, uh, started realizing how much I liked being with you. I’ve always liked you since you guys moved here, but I never thought in a million years we would be friends, let alone anything more, so I moved on, sort of. And I was so worried today about you when I couldn’t find you and worried that I had wrecked even just being your friend. Being part of your life is the best thing that ever happened to me,” Evan says sweetly, using his free hand to rub the back of his neck, feeling how hot it was, meaning his whole face was probably red. Evan meets Zoe’s eyes once more, and notices they’re no longer filled with unshed tears, but glittering with adoration.

“Evan, I’ve liked you for a really long time too, before you started dating Connor even, I just didn’t know what to do. For so long I’ve been relegated to just being “Connor Murphy’s little sister” that I thought I would just be that to you too. In the beginning I even thought that Connor found out I liked you and was dating you just to spite me, but I don’t think that anymore. I think it’s because you’re you. You’re thoughtful and sweet, and you make me feel like I’m the only person in the world who matters when we hang out, that I’m special. Not to mention you’re adorable and I feel like we just understand each other without even trying”, Zoe confesses, seeing the matching admiration he has for her in his eyes, and feeling her face blushing just as much as Evan’s in the moment. 

Evan, in the most Evan-est way possible blurts out, “I wanna be with you”, somewhat ruining their moment, but also making it so much more _them_ when he follows up with a much sweeter, quieter, “if you want that too” while squeezing their interlocked hands together. 

“I want that too”, Zoe tells him, reaching up on her tip-toes towards him, like she was going to kiss him, but she pauses, lowering herself back down before saying, “I kinda forgot we were still at school, maybe we should leave before someone sees us and tells Connor. For someone whose only friends are you and drug dealers, he sure finds out gossip and I don’t want him finding out about us from anyone but us”. 

“Yeah me too. We can go over to my house, if you want. I also kinda need help figuring out what to say to Connor. I was going to try again at lunch today, but he wasn’t at school, and I don’t really want it looming over us like a dark cloud, not when we’re starting something incredible”, Evan says looking at the ground, knowing what he just said was cheesy, even if it was true. 

Zoe doesn’t mind though, nodding her head smiling at him, dropping his hand to close her locker and adjust her backpack. Evan instantly misses the contact and refrains from grabbing her hand once more. She was right they couldn’t be too couple-y (the thought made Evan’s stomach flutter with excitement) at school, and they’d already pushed it too far with hugging and hand holding in the hallway with students meandering around. In their defense, it was hard to focus on anything other than each other when they were together, both of them had completely forgotten that they weren’t alone. 

They walk to Zoe’s blue bug and luckily the parking lot is basically empty, so no one sees them get into her car together, and no one sees the way their hands gravitate back towards each other, settling on top of the console for the entire drive to Evan’s. 

When they get to Evan’s house, their hands meet once more, this time walking so close together that their arms are flush, and their shoulders bump together. Evan wonders if this will be their new normal, a constant physical touch, a reminder that the other one was real and there. Evan smiles to himself, because he’d be okay with that, and if he was being honest, he never wanted to let her go. Once they’re inside, Evan turns towards her and kisses her cheek, a bold move considering he didn’t know how much affection Zoe was comfortable with, at least while he was still _technically_ with Connor. 

Zoe surprises Evan by twisting around and reaching up to kiss him for real. He lets himself melt into their kiss, releasing her hand in favor of wrapping his arms around Zoe’s waist, pulling her closer. When they break apart, Evan can’t help himself, they way Zoe was looking up at him, eyes still partially closed, freckles enhanced by her pink-tinged cheeks, he leans back down to kiss her again. This one was sweet and slow, and Evan thinks he could kiss Zoe Murphy forever if she let him. 

When they break apart this time, both of them are breathing heavily and smiling at each other, lost a little bit in each other’s presence. It’s Evan who moves first, gently pulling her to the couch where they sit cuddled up together, like two halves of the same whole. 

They stay like that for a while, wrapped up in each other, talking and laughing the same way they would’ve before, now just with the added benefit of being able to snuggle closer or kiss or whatever they felt like doing in the moment without reservation. 

“Hey Zo,” Evan asks starting in with his typical hoodie fidgeting, stressed that he was ruining their afternoon, adds, “What do you think I should do about Connor?” 

Evan doesn’t miss the way her face falls a little at the mention of Connor, but knowing that it was something they had to deal with—the sooner, the better—Zoe contemplates for a moment before saying, “Maybe you could text him that you want to meet tomorrow? I think you should do it in person and not over text”. 

“Yeah, I think that too,” Evan says nodding in agreement, “Do you think ‘Hey Connor, could we hang out tomorrow, I need to talk to you’ sounds too foreboding?” 

“I mean you’re basically sending a ‘we need to talk’ text, but I don’t think there’s any way around it. I think saying anything else would be misleading and that’s not fair”, Zoe tells him laying her head on his chest, wishing Evan wasn’t in this situation. 

“Okay, I’ll do it later though. Um, tomorrow my mom and I are doing ‘Taco Tuesday’ if you want to come over. It’d be nice to see you tomorrow, after everything I mean,” Evan asks her sheepishly, not sure if asking her to comfort him after dumping her brother was too much. 

“Yeah, I’ll ask my mom tonight and let you know. I know tomorrow will be hard and I’m sorry in advance,” Zoe tells him, placing a gentle kiss on his jaw before laying her head back down. 

“It’s okay. I should’ve done it sooner, but let’s not talk about it. What came before ‘us’ doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just you and me, let’s let the rest of the world fall away”, Evan says, punctuating his thoughts with a kiss to the top of her head. Evan feels her nod her head against his chest and he’s inclined to hold her just a little bit tighter, as if she might disappear at any moment. He thinks that finally, finally good things were starting to come his way and he couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm a sucker for lovey-dovey BandTrees and I can finally write it into this story! I hope you enjoy the way things turned out between Evan and Zoe, and now what will happen between Evan and Connor when Evan tries again to break-up with him???? Stay tuned for the ANGST.


	7. I Feel Put Back Together Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor have a "chat" and Zoe comes over for dinner at the Hansen's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!!! 
> 
> So originally I had a different plan for this chapter that would have led the story down a slightly different path, but then I couldn't shake this feeling like this was a direction that needed to happen, so it took me a lot longer to actually start writing. Hopefully the Connor/Evan scenes aren't too poorly written, as they were definitely the harder ones to write. 
> 
> **TW** for some light violence (not towards a character though) and attempts at emotional manipulation. If those bother you, skip ahead to not the Connor/Evan part. 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying not bored and staying safe during the quarantine. Hopefully this chapter helps a little, giving you something to do, even if for a tiny amount of time! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's reading and sticking with me as this story unfolds and leaving comments/kudos or bookmarking! Feel free to leave or message me with any critiques or thoughts about the story! Happy Reading!!

Evan paced back and forth in front of his locker waiting for Connor to arrive. Evan had tried his hardest to act normal all day, but it was even harder because Connor was acting normal and Evan didn’t understand how. He waltzed into fourth period, kissing Evan on the cheek and started chattering away like he hadn’t skipped school yesterday, gotten into a huge fight Sunday night, or not contacted Evan in the slightest since Sunday, he hadn’t even replied when Evan texted him last night. So, Evan was even more surprised that when he tried again to suggest that they “hang out” after school, that Connor immediately offered his house, because apparently Cynthia would be at Pilates and Connor didn’t mention where Zoe would be. Evan knew better than to ask. 

Evan didn’t want to go to the Murphy’s house, considering the last time he was there he had a panic attack and ended up kissing Zoe after Connor left in an angry huff. He had hoped they could go somewhere neutral, like the park or he might have even agreed to a coffee shop if it had been offered. But he didn’t really want to put up a fight though, he needed to save his energy for what was to come. 

Evan wanted to lean on Zoe to help him through this, but he knew it wasn’t fair to ask that of her. He was having dinner with her tonight and he already felt like that was a lot to put on her. Zoe had already been supportive in other ways today, smiling her special smile at him during biology and sending him a text right after school that said, “It’ll be okay, I promise. See you at dinner!” with a thumbs up emoji. He felt weird that he felt better receiving encouragement to break-up with someone. God why were feelings so hard to deal with?

Evan’s so lost in his thoughts, muttering to himself as he walked, that he doesn’t notice Connor sneaking up on him and he jumps so high, stumbling when he realizes who it is.

Connor just laughs heartily, clapping Evan on the back one more saying, “Oh c’mon Ev, you’ve gotta stop being so jumpy. I mean it’s cute and all, but it’s almost too easy to scare you at this point”. 

“Y-yeah, I g-guess,” Evan mumbles, still reeling from being snuck up on, “We, we sh-should probably g-go”. 

“You’re right, I hate this place anyways,” Connor says, slinging his arm around Evan’s shoulders. While Evan wanted so badly to roll his shoulders, shrugging Connor’s arm off, he didn’t, not wanting to make Connor mad and he figured this was better than Connor trying to hold his hand. 

They awkwardly walk to Connor’s car in the parking lot, Evan staying quiet while Connor chatted on, making Evan wonder how high Connor was at the moment. Probably medium to very, he wasn't quite sure where the scale started or ended. Evan tries to ignore those thoughts, which might make him angry before having to do the _thing_ , so he selfishly looks for Zoe’s car in the lot. He sees her blue bug about halfway out and he remembers she’s probably at band practice. Good. He didn’t want her anywhere near the Murphy’s anytime soon. 

Connor finally releases Evan as they reach his car and Evan rushes to get in, trying to subtly place himself as close to the door as possible. Connor doesn’t seem to notice, starting the car and blasting some music, not asking Evan if there was something he wanted to listen to the way Zoe always did. But Evan needed to knock that off. He couldn’t keep comparing Connor to Zoe because he didn’t want to accidentally bring her up. He couldn’t have Connor thinking she had anything to do with their break-up. 

The drive to the Murphy’s is silent, neither of the boys offering up any type of conversation. Evan was thankful for it, allowing him to organize and collect his thoughts. He wanted to get it over with quickly, better for both him and Connor. 

When they pull into the driveway and get out of the car, Connor reaches for Evan’s hand, which Evan dodges by shoving his hands into his pockets, earning himself an annoyed eye roll from Connor. Evan casts his eyes away from Connor, looking at the ground instead as he follows him inside. 

Connor doesn’t take his shoes off as they enter the foyer, so Evan doesn’t either, which he’s actually grateful for. He didn’t want to worry about tying his shoes when he was trying to leave hastily later, things no one ever thinks about beforehand. They trudge up to Connor’s room, where Connor belly flops onto his bed, leaving Evan once again standing awkwardly in the middle of his room. They don’t say anything for what feels like eons to Evan, and he supposes now’s his chance, he’d promised himself and Zoe that he’d do it, so he starts to say, “Hey Con-Connor, I think we sh-should, uh, talk”.

Connor rolls over so he’s on his back now, but doesn’t sit up, responding, “Yeah, I wanted to tell you about this crazy fan theory I saw online for that new Netflix show we were watching the other day, some people online are nuts man”. 

Evan is thrown off by his response because in books, and movies, and like TV shows whenever someone says something like what Evan just said, the other person understands where the conversation was heading. Was Connor really unaware of what was happening or was he purposely redirecting the conversation? Evan tries again rephrasing, “I, uh, m-meant we sh-should talk about u-us”, starting to sway back and forth, looking for an outlet for his nervous energy.

“Is this about Sunday? Because you know how I get when Larry eggs me on. I get that dinner was a bit of a shitshow, but we’re cool now,” Connor says, still not looking up at Evan.

How could Connor possibly think they were “cool”? He hadn’t apologized for making a scene at dinner or yelling very hurtful things at Evan or for storming out or for not talking to him for two days. Evan doesn’t know how to respond as he’s still stunned about what Connor just assumed, and that Evan was just okay with everything that he’d done and could act like it never happened. Connor takes Evan’s silence as an agreement and continues to chatter on about the article he saw. 

Evan feels a rush of anger washing through him over Connor’s blasé behavior, which fuels his courage to flat out tell Connor, “I want to break-up”, cutting off Connor’s story, trying his best to keep his pace even and manages to not stutter either. 

Evan’s declaration finally causes Connor to sit up, staring straight ahead at Evan. Evan notices his blue eyes are dark like they were on Sunday, and he’s tense, staring directly at Evan. Any confidence or courage that Evan had previously drains out under Connor’s intimidating gaze.

“What did you just say?”, Connor asks, knowing exactly what Evan had just said, continuing to stare at him relentlessly. 

“I, I, I just, j-just”, Evan stammers struggling to get the words that he’d practiced out. 

“You didn’t seem to have a problem saying it earlier”, Connor retorts sharply, finally standing up to face Evan, his extra inches in height looming over Evan. 

Evan is starting to get more nervous and a little scared, an angry, yet eerily calm Connor is not what he expected to encounter. He thinks it might be worse than the screaming Connor. “I, uh, th-think we’d be better as, as f-friends, that, we, uh, w-want d-different things”, Evan manages to get out, avoiding looking at Connor by staring at the ground.

“So you think I’m crazy just like everyone else!”, Connor says, voice starting to rise as he started pacing around his room. Evan thinks woefully that scary-calm Connor was gone, and scary-screaming Connor was emerging. 

Evan defends himself though, getting frustrated that Connor’s response had nothing to do with what he said, says back, “Th-that’s not what I s-said! You n-never hear an-anything I say”.

Connor doesn’t say anything back yet, just continues to wander his room, breathing deeply, clenching his fists together. Evan is about to say something else, when Connor throws one of his hard cover novels against the wall, making Evan wince and take a step closer to the door. 

“Did Zoe put you up to this?”, Connor yells, once again ignoring what Evan was actually telling him, somewhat proving Evan’s point as he searched his desk for more things to throw. 

Shit. The one thing Evan wanted was for Zoe to not come up and there Connor goes pulling her in anyways. Evan was starting to get more worried as Connor’s behavior escalated. Evan really hoped Connor wouldn’t throw anything his way. Evan instinctively protects himself and Zoe and responds, “What? No, Z-Zoe has nothing to d-d-do with this. S-she’s n-not out to g-get you, you know!”

Connor is fuming at this point, throwing more stuff and the wall and kicking his furniture, barely registering anything Evan said, convincing himself that Zoe was definitely involved somehow. 

Evan felt the need to get one last thing off his chest, the biggest reason he wanted to break-up, even if Connor wasn’t going listen, and says as steadily as he can manage, “I w-want to break-up because, you, you constantly make me uncomfortable then try to g-guilt me into reciprocating, even though you’ve cr-crossed the boundaries I’ve laid out. And that’s, and that’s not o-okay Connor!” 

Evan is unclear if Connor is hearing anything he’s saying, but he feels better almost, that even though this break-up was going poorly on Connor’s end, he was telling Connor the truth about how he felt, and that was the right thing to do. Evan is thrown out of his temporary calm feeling when Connor punches the wall, breaking through the drywall, causing tiny scratches across his knuckles. Evan is full-on scared at this point and can’t help but think this is what Zoe was going to have to come home to. And he’s pretty sure that even with him denying it, that Connor has convinced himself that Zoe was responsible for the break-up. He shutters just thinking about what Connor might do if he ever found out about them and what they did while him and Connor were still technically together. He’s very worried that it's not the wall he'd take his anger out on. 

Evan keeps his eyes on Connor who has stopped moving, and was now just staring catatonically at the hole in the wall, and starts to back away slowly, creeping ever closer to the door, afraid of what Connor might do, to him or to himself, he wasn’t sure yet. When Evan is just at the edge of the door he calls to Connor, “I, uh, I should go home” and finally turns around, opening the door and attempting to leave. 

What he doesn’t expect when he feels Connor grab his wrist, is a complete 180 in Connor’s behavior, to have Connor Murphy, who was just one minute prior, violently throwing and punching, to now be sobbing, tugging on his hoodie, begging him to stay. 

“Please, don’t go Evan. I’ll change whatever you want. I swear. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you. Please don’t leave me,” Connor sobs, pulling Evan closer to him and away from the door. 

“I, uh, Connor, I don’t th-think that’s b-best for either of u-us”, Evan says, standing frozen in place, unsure if he should try to comfort Connor (he didn’t like seeing Connor this upset, he wasn’t a monster) or try and untangle himself from Connor and try to leave. 

“I don’t know what I might do, if you leave me,” Connor says darkly, looking up at Evan, tears freely falling down his face now, sobbing ended for now, leaving his once dark eyes strikingly blue, gripping Evan even tighter. 

Evan briefly wonders to himself if what Connor just said was an attempt to manipulate him into staying in their relationship and he doesn’t 100% know what Connor meant by what he said. It seemed vaguely threatening, but Evan wasn’t sure towards who. Was Connor trying to say he’d hurt him? Hurt himself? Hurt Zoe? 

“Connor p-p-please don’t do anything. Everything w-will be o-okay,” Evan tries to tell him, and he thinks he’s said the wrong thing when he sees the glimmer of hope in Connor’s eyes. Evan tries to correct himself, say anything else, but Connor cuts him off saying, “So we can keep trying?”

“Con, th-that’s not what I s-said. I, I th-think this is what’s best f-f-for both of us,” Evan says gently, trying to move Connor off of him, little by little, he moves Connor towards his bed. They just sit there for bit, neither saying anything. Evan takes a chance and turns slightly to look at Connor, and he’s just nodding, almost back to his impassive state from earlier. 

Evan thinks he might be able to leave now and carefully stands up from the bed. Evan wonders if he should say anything else? Would it be rude to just walk out, or would it be more hurtful to say some half-assed ‘we could still be friends’ sentiment? Evan thinks eventually him and Connor could be friends again, but not right away, so he opts for an awkward quiet, “I’m g-gonna go now. B-bye C-Connor”. 

Evan leaves Connor sitting on his bed and keeps his door open, hoping Cynthia would come check on him when she got home. Evan is thankful for the long walk home because he gets a chance to think everything over and let his nerves calm down. His hands were still shaking, and his heart was still beating quickly, but he knows those will go away soon, because in his head he feels calmer than he has in a long time. Evan had thought he might be sad or might even cry, but he actually feels like a weight’s been lifted from him. This break-up had been a lot for him emotionally and he knows he needs to process it more, but he can’t help but feel like he’s starting off on a clean slate with Zoe, that their relationship could have everything that was missing in his and Connor’s. If anything, he feels the most anxious about how and when Connor will find out about him and Zoe. 

He wants to talk to Zoe so badly and hear her thoughts on everything that Connor did and said. And he needs to tell her that he thinks they should keep their relationship quiet for quite a while. Connor had been so insistent that Zoe had something to do with their break-up, he would not take kindly to knowing they were now dating. He might get angry and Evan absolutely didn’t want him taking out his anger on Zoe, or threaten her, or harm her physically or emotionally. 

When Evan reaches his house, he’s thankful that his mom’s Corolla is in the driveway, he could use a little comforting and a little advice from his mom. He goes inside his house, dropping his bag and taking off his shoes by the door. Similar to Saturday night, Evan finds his mom in the kitchen chopping ingredients for dinner and walks over to hug her tightly. 

Heidi hugs her little boy close to her and doesn’t let go of him until Evan starts to pull away, where she gets a good look at him and says, “I suppose this means you broke up with Connor? Was it at dinner Sunday?”

Evan moves to sit at one of the bar stools, bracing himself to tell his mom everything that had happened in last two days. Was that really all it’s been? To Evan it felt like weeks had gone by. He contemplates where to start and tells his mom, “Uh, not exactly”. 

Heidi simply raises one of her eyebrows, questioning Evan, but encouraging him to continue. 

“Um, Sunday a lot of t-things h-happened. C-connor and his d-dad got into a fight at d-d-dinner, so, um, Connor was in a b-bad mood and r-really angry. I d-didn’t get a ch-chance to break-up with h-him because hestormedoutandIhadapanicattack”, Evan tells her rushing through the last part, hoping she wouldn’t hear. 

“Oh, Evan,” Heidi starts and Evan looks down at the counter, avoiding her concerned gaze, “Are your meds not working good enough? Should we talk to the doctor?”, she finishes, walking over to him and wrapping her arms around him once more. 

“No, no, th-they’re working. I think ev-everything was just t-too overwhelming, but Z-Zoe helped once Connor left”, Evan says trying, but failing to hide his rising blush from his mom by turning his head into her arms. 

“So things have changed on the Zoe front then?”, Heidi questions, letting go of Evan and returning to her cutting board across from him.

“Y-you could say that, and also m-maybe I invited her over for d-dinner tonight too,” Evan tells her sheepishly, just now remembering that he’d hadn’t written it in their morning notes to each other. 

“That’s fine honey, I can’t wait to meet her. So then what happened with Connor?”, Heidi asks him, passing him a box grater and a block of cheese to give him something to do with his hands other than fiddle with his hoodie. 

“Well, um, he wasn’t at school y-yesterday, so I c-couldn’t do it then, and that’s also m-maybe when I k-kinda told Zoe about my f-feelings for her, and she f-feels the same way,” Evan says, purposely leaving out the part where he kissed Zoe after his panic attack, but the pleasant thoughts of him and Zoe yesterday brings a smile to his face, one that does not go unnoticed by Heidi. 

“Evan, I’m really happy that she makes you happy, but you haven’t exactly told me that you broke things off with Connor yet. You have, haven’t you?”, Heidi asks, in not exactly a judgmental tone, but a concerned one. She didn’t want Evan caught up in something he couldn’t handle fully.

“Yeah, I did it today”, Evan says quietly, getting up to wash his hands, now that he was finished with the cheese. When he sits back down, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. When he checks it, he sees it’s from Zoe, 

**4:49 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** Hey Ev, is it okay if I come over now? I don’t really want to stop at home first

Evan doesn’t hesitate at all, not even bothering to ask Heidi before typing back, 

**4:50 P.M. Evan Hansen:** Of course! We’re just prepping for dinner 

Evan wanted to add something like “I can’t wait to see you”, but he didn’t want to sound desperate and he felt a little bad being so excited to see her, having just broken up with someone an hour earlier. 

When he’s done texting Zoe back, he sets his phone on the counter and returns to his talk with his mom, who hadn’t said anything after Evan told her he’d broken thing off with Connor earlier that day. She just watched him patiently as he texted Zoe, his dreamy smile never once faltering on his face.

“Was that Zoe?”, Heidi asks, turning on one of the burners, deliberately not asking about Evan’s break-up, waiting to see if he’d offer up details on his own. 

“Yeah, she’s o-on her w-way over now,” Evan says, pausing before asking his mom, “D-do you think Connor will ev-ever be okay with me a-and Zoe? He was so a-angry today and him and Zoe don’t h-have a good r-relationship, but he thought Z-zoe was making me br-break-up with him, that sh-she was behind some k-kind of scheme against h-him”.

“Probably not right away, baby, but maybe eventually he will. Like I said, if he really cares about you, he’ll want you to be happy. And I’m sure deep down, he wants Zoe to be happy too. And you guys are so young, that everything feels so big right now, but in a couple years all of this will feel so small compared to the next big thing. Everything will work itself out, if it’s meant to be”, Heidi tells him reassuringly before adding meat to the pan and going back to cooking. 

Evan sits quietly taking in everything his mom has told him, really hoping it was true. He obviously wanted to be sensitive towards Connor’s feelings, but he also wanted to eventually tell Zoe’s parents and hang out at school and do other stuff that he never really felt inclined to do while he was with Connor. He would ask Zoe about it when she got there and follow her lead on whatever she wanted to do. 

Evan is so lost in his thoughts (his almost constant state of being these days) he almost doesn’t hear the knock on their front door, but then is quick to realize it’s Zoe, and jumps up to get the door, ignoring Heidi’s chuckles behind him. Evan doesn’t even greet Zoe when he opens the door, choosing to simply wrap her up in a hug. 

Zoe is stunned, but quickly returns his fervent hug, wrapping her arms around his neck and letting herself relax into his arms. She starts to feel Evan pull away and stops him, pulling in for a few seconds longer and eventually pulls away just enough to press a light kiss to Evan’s cheek causing Evan to blush. They break apart but not before Evan returns a sweet kiss to her cheek, whispering, “So that we’re even now”. 

Zoe just laughs at Evan’s silly antics and reaches down to intertwine their hands together. Evan laughs along with her, leading her into the kitchen area to meet his mom. He can’t help the sense of glee that he’s suddenly filled with. This is the first time he’s gotten to be around Zoe without a cloud of guilt or dread that he was doing something wrong, because being around Zoe felt _right_ and now he could enjoy it fully.

Heidi sees them coming in and immediately stops what she’s doing to come hug Zoe, calling out, “Oh, you must be Zoe! I’m so happy to meet you”. 

Evan drops Zoe’s hand, letting her walk towards his mom to return her hug. It reminds Evan of the way Cynthia always tried to hug him, but instead of his awkward flailing, Zoe hugs his mother back in a normal way—full control of her limbs—and it makes him smile. 

“Hi Mrs. Hansen. Thank you for having me. Is there anything I can do to help?”, Zoe says sweetly, wanting to make a good impression on Evan’s mom. 

“Thank you, Zoe, and please call me Heidi, but everything’s just about ready. Why don’t you two grab the plates and we can make our tacos”, Heidi says cheerfully. 

Evan grabs three plates from the cupboard and hands one to Zoe, setting the other on the countertop for Heidi. Evan can’t help but compare tonight to the dinner on Sunday at the Murphy’s. There was a warm aura of happiness and authenticity that had definitely been missing at the tense dinner two nights ago. He just feels happy and when he glances over to Zoe assembling her tacos chatting amicably with his mom, he knows she feels the same way. 

When everyone has gotten their tacos, Heidi nudges them all to the small table in the corner, the one her and Evan rarely use, usually eating at the counter together. The conversation between the three of them flows freely, carried mostly between Heidi and Zoe, which Evan is thankful for. Today had been an emotionally exhausting day, and he’s content to just listen to Zoe and his mom talk about jazz band and music and whatever else came up. When everyone is done eating, Evan helps his mom clean up and put away the leftovers, both the Hansens refusing to let Zoe help. 

When everything’s cleaned up, Evan grabs Zoe’s hand once more and leads her down the familiar path to his room so they could talk freely. When they reach his room, Evan goes back and forth on whether or not to close the door. He’d basically already told Heidi the essentials so there wasn’t really the fear of being overheard, but the closed door made it seem more private and intimate between him and Zoe. Evan decides to close the door, hoping Heidi knows that they weren’t going to do _anything_ , that they just wanted a little more privacy. 

Zoe leads them to Evan’s bed, and they sit there facing one another, with their knees touching softly. Zoe, never one to beat around the bush, gently squeezes Evan’s hand and asks, “How did it go today?” 

“I mean I don’t think it went great, but it’s over?”, Evan says unsurely, wanting her to know that he did do it like he promised, before adding, “Like I’m okay, but I don’t think Connor is. At first, he was really angry. He was throwing things and kicking stuff and at one point punched a hole in the wall, which I don’t know how he’ll explain that to your dad. But what scares me the most, is that he was insistent that you had something to do with it. That you were ‘putting me up to this’ and that you were somehow out to get him.”

“I’ll try my best to deal with Connor at home. I’m pretty used to him blaming me for everything he thinks is bad with his life. I don’t think he’ll do anything, other than try and yell at me. I can handle that,” Zoe says, trying to reassure Evan. 

“Are you sure?”, Evan asks, breaking one set of their entwined hands to place his hand on her cheek, gently tracing her freckles with his thumb, “I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if something happened to you because of me”. 

Zoe reaches up to grab his wrist, leaning into his touch, responding with a quiet, “I know”, before pulling him close to kiss him. Evan kisses her back eagerly, missing the feeling of being close to her like this. 

Before their kiss can escalate, Evan pulls back, still wanting to talk to Zoe about keeping their relationship quiet for a while. 

“Hey Zo, one more thing, before we can just be us,” Evan asks, leaving his hand on her cheek, “I think we should keep our relationship, uh, maybe just between us, only for a little bit though”.

“Ev, that’s fine. I was honestly thinking the same thing. I think until things calm down with Connor more, it should just be us. I don’t want to hurt Connor more than we already have, and I know you want that too”, Zoe tells him, turning slightly to lightly kiss his palm. 

Evan smiles at her and chides himself internally, he should’ve known they’d be on the same page about this, they practically lived on the same wavelength. Feeling emboldened by their easy agreement, Evan moves his hand down to her shoulder and pulls her until they’re laying side by side on his bed, brushing her hair that had fallen in the tussle back behind her ear once more. 

Zoe laughs playfully, happy that they didn’t have to continue their conversation anymore, that they could just enjoy being together. She presses herself a little closer to Evan, looking up at him to ask _is this okay_ to which he nods, before they both lean in, meeting perfectly in the middle, like their first kiss. 

They don’t move from that position for a good while, talking, kissing, laughing, enjoying being wrapped around each other without any guilt. When Zoe finally has to go home, Evan immediately misses being next her and makes her promise to text him when she gets home and if anything happens. He doesn’t know what love feels like, but he thinks this might be it. He thinks he’s probably, no he’s definitely in love with Zoe Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my original plan was to not have Evan break-up with Connor, that he'd be too overwhelmed in the moment to actually do it and him and Zoe would just continue to go behind Connor's back seeing each other. But then I thought about how annoyed I get in stories when that happens to Zoe and Evan cheats on her, and I didn't want to do that to Connor more than I already did in the last two chapters. And I just really didn't think my Evan would stay in the relationship, letting it stain his and Zoe's new relationship. So anyways, after all that Connor and Evan are officially broken up, but that does not mean the drama ends there. Connor is still not going to be happy when he eventually finds out that Evan and Zoe are dating now, and he's not going to deal well with the break-up either. So stay tuned for more DRAMA surrounded by very cute, fluffy BandTrees :)


	8. What Came Before Won't Count Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan thinks Connor is acting weird at school and talks to Jared and Zoe about it. Evan and Zoe go on a date :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said this chapter would bring the DRAMA but it's literally all FLUFF. I haven't been feeling super great health-wise (not corona thank god) but still under the weather and I finally got the DEH novel and I couldn't get over the fact that Zoe sings "Only Us" to Evan at an open mic night, so that was added in instead of other stuff. I also think it's nice to have a chapter mostly about Evan and Zoe in between the break-up and what's to come. 
> 
> So I hope you enjoy this chapter because I think it's really cute :) As always feel free to leave comments/kudos or message me with anything you'd like to say! Happy Reading!

Evan wakes up the next morning feeling happy, like he was radiating with joy. For once in his life he feels like he did the brave thing, the right thing and that it’s actually going to work out for him. He and Zoe just have to keep their relationship to themselves for a couple weeks, which he was bummed about, he wanted to tell the world how amazing she was, and that she chose him to be a part of her life. But eventually, he’d get to do that, so he’d wait it out, and maybe even by then Connor would want to be friends again. Maybe.

Evan uses his walk to school to brainstorm his plan for the day. Last night he’d been too caught up snuggling with Zoe to think about the next day, which at the time was wonderful, but now he wanted to make sure he didn’t have any unintentional run-ins with Connor that might make him or Connor upset—he woke up happy and he wanted to stay that way. He really only had to worry about fourth period and lunch. Lunch was the easier of the two, he would sit with Jared because he really couldn’t waltz up and sit with Zoe. He contemplates asking her if they should meet up in secret for lunch, but school’s a tricky place and the library was a lot more crowded during the day, so if the wrong person saw them and told Connor, it would not end well. So Jared it is. Evan doesn’t mind really; he did want to fill him in on his recent break-up. 

But fourth period? That was harder because they were confined to the same classroom and usually sat right next to each other. But he could use the same cowardly strategy he used Monday, get in later and sit towards the front. Avoid the interaction altogether, assuming that Connor even showed up to fourth period. Maybe he wouldn’t. Either way Evan felt comforted that he had a plan. The plan might be avoidance, but it was a plan and it was better than nothing. 

As Evan walked through the parking lot and up to school, he sees Zoe’s blue bug and he smiles to himself, just thinking about her. After she left last night, she’d texted him that she’d made it home okay and her house was not the catastrophe she thought it might be. She hadn’t seen or heard Connor at all. It was surprising to Evan that Connor hadn’t made a scene or whatever and hadn’t approached Zoe at all. Despite his curiosity as to why, Evan was simply glad Zoe was okay, that she didn’t have to deal with another night of screaming and fighting and god knows what else. 

Evan decides to text her, just to check-in, make sure nothing happened this morning. He goes back and forth on how exactly to word his text. Initiating conversation was a lot harder over text than it was in person, too many things that were easy to overthink. Evan types out a simple, but he hopes cute text to Zoe,

**7:56 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Hey Zo, just wanted to tell you I was thinking about you and I hope you had a good morning and have an amazing day (blushing smiley emoji) 

It doesn’t take long for Zoe to text him back, as he checks his phone while walking to his first period classroom,

**7:58 A.M. Zoe Murphy:** Everything’s been good and it’ll be even better when I get to see you (kissy emoji)

Evan feels his face start to flush just staring at the tiny yellow emoji. He had never used it before ever, and this was the first time Zoe had used it texting him. It made him feel warm and anxious, but not his normal anxiousness that filled him with dread and panic, this felt light, fluttery, and new and he never wanted to stop feeling like it. 

Evan lets his morning classes pass by in a dreamy haze, his mind consumed only by the thought of Zoe Murphy. They were a real-life thing now and he hoped they never had to go through what Evan did last night. Evan thinks about when him and Connor first started dating and he remembers feeling slightly like this maybe a tenth or less and he just always figured that would be enough. That he should be lucky that someone cute and smart (maybe more like smartass, but still) like Connor Murphy wanted anything to do with him. That he should be grateful. He knows now that that wasn’t true. 

Evan keeps thinking about his newfound happiness (well not entirely newfound, ever since he and Zoe became friends, he’d become a lot happier) that he almost forgets his avoidance strategy as he walks into fourth period right before the bell rings. He scrambles to sit down in a random open desk, not noticing that there was another empty desk beside him. 

Evan does a quick sweep of the classroom before Mr. Walker starts lecturing and he doesn’t see Connor, letting out a deep sigh of relief he didn’t think he was holding. Of course Connor would skip today, he most definitely didn’t want to see Evan. Evan could relax just a teeny bit and actually pay attention in class for a change, or maybe return to his reverie about Zoe. Both were good options in Evan’s opinion. 

Evan is broken out of his thoughts when the classroom door bursts open and in walks none other than Connor Murphy. Evan stares at him for a minute, but then realizes he’s staring and shifts his gaze down at his blank notebook, not daring to see what Connor was doing. 

It’s only when Evan senses someone close to him that he glances over towards the feeling of eyes on him and sees Connor sitting in the empty desk next to him. What? There were at least two more open desks in the classroom, one even in the back row and Connor chooses to sit right next to him? Why would he do that? Evan can feel his heart rate pick up and his prior calm happiness seep out every second that Connor stares back at him. 

Evan needed to at least see what kind of mood Connor was in, so he could adequately prepare in case things got ugly. What shocks him more than Connor sitting next to him, is the fact that Connor is smiling at him. And not a timid ‘maybe we could be friends smile’, more of a cheeky grin, like he knew something that Evan didn’t. Not to be rude, but it really creeped Evan out. Evan looks back to notebook and tries his best to ignore the sinking feeling growing in his stomach. Why would Connor be smiling at him? What was going on?

Fourth period seems to last an eternity, made even worse by his inner paranoia that Connor was staring at him the entire time. Evan didn’t check to see if it was true or not, but when the bell rang and Mr. Walker dismissed the class, Evan tries to book it out of there as fast as possible. He’s stopped by someone tugging on his hoodie sleeve, and Evan just knows that it’s Connor. He takes a deep breath and turns around, trying his hardest to brave whatever was coming. 

Evan sees that Connor is still smiling at him and he doesn’t look angry or sad, maybe he took the break-up a lot better than Evan initially thought? Evan should’ve known not get his hopes up, when Connor slides his hand from where it was gripping Evan’s hoodie, and tries to interlace their hands. 

“C-Connor what are you doing?”, Evan questions him as he yanks his hand away, taking a small step backwards. 

“Can we talk? I thought a lot about what you said last night, and I think we should talk about it,” Connor says, closing the gap that Evan had made by taking a small step closer to him. 

“I, uh, I c-can’t I have to meet Jared about a pr-project,” Evan replies shakily, eyes looking anywhere but Connor, worried that he’d call him out on his half-truth. 

“Okay then, I’ll see you tomorrow, bye Evan,” Connor says nicely, squeezing Evan’s shoulder as he walked by him, leaving Evan standing in the middle of the classroom as the freshmen poured in around him. What the hell just happened? 

Evan scurries out the classroom, still shaken up about what just happened with Connor, and heads outside to find Jared. Evan finds him quickly sitting at a table gaming on his laptop. As Evan sits down across from him, Jared looks up from his screen to greet him, “Sup Ev, your lover-boy in detention again?”

“I, um, I d-don’t think so, b-but he’s not my lover-boy Jared. We, we broke up y-yesterday,” Evan tells him, waiting for the slew of questions he was sure were to follow. 

With a dramatic gasp, Jared immediately closes his laptop, giving his full attention to Evan, exclaiming loudly, “What? Tell me everything! I need to know this tea.” 

“Well, I wa-wasn’t happy and honestly I d-don’t think he was e-either, so I did it after sc-school yesterday,” Evan starts, hands wrapping themselves through the drawstrings of his hoodie absentmindedly before finishing, “But I’m, I’m okay, it w-was kind of a long t-time coming, you know?” 

“Dude, how did he take it? Did he try and throw at printer at you? I heard he did that to a teacher one time when he was angry,” Jared says insensitively, as he tears open a package of fruit snacks, jamming multiple into his mouth before Evan can respond. 

“No, like he was m-mad at f-first, then sad, but just now after English h-he was like smiling at m-me and tr-tried to hold my hand,” Evan tells him, his stomach rumbling reminding him that he forgot to grab his lunch before coming out to find Jared. 

“Are you sure he knows it’s over-over, maybe he thinks you guys are like on a break or something,” Jared says, chewing his snacks loudly before swallowing and adding, “Cause I hate to break it to you, but you’re not known for being the best communicator bro”.

“I mean, I, uh, thought I w-was pretty cl-clear,” Evan tells him, taking a second to remember everything he said yesterday, before telling Jared, “I s-said, ‘I want to br-break up’, was I su-supposed to s-say something else?” 

“I mean you’re probably good then, maybe it’s like his way of coping or something. Maybe he thinks if he’s less broody, then you’ll want to get back together. Who knows man, Connor Murphy is like an enigma,” Jared says, and Evan finds himself nodding in agreement. 

“So, uh, what’s new with, uh, you Jared?” Evan asks in an attempt to change the subject, he had gotten enough of Jared’s point of view on Connor’s behavior, he’d ask Zoe about it after school. She’d probably know better than Jared anyways. 

“You’re not sneaky Evan Hansen, but I relent, want to see the new app I’m trying to code”, Jared asks, opening his laptop back up and turning it so they both could see. 

Evan lets Jared carry their conversation for the rest of lunch, listening and nodding when appropriate. What Jared had said really stuck with him, was he really not clear last night? Did Connor really think they might still be together or have a chance of getting back together? How was he supposed to act around him now if he kept that up? He never wanted to be mean, but he didn’t want to give Connor the wrong idea and lead him into believing that they could be anything more than friends now. 

Evan’s afternoon classes passed quickly, his fifth period with Zoe raised his spirits (they didn’t do anything but smile at each other, but it was enough) and he couldn’t wait to meet her in the library after school. 

When the bell rings Evan gets to his locker and fast as he can and grabs what he needs before practically running to the library and claiming his and Zoe’s table. It was tucked away behind a couple of shelves and up against the wall, so they could see anyone trying to approach them. It was Evan’s favorite spot before it became _their_ spot and now he loves it even more. 

Zoe isn’t there yet, so Evan pulls out his homework to get started on it. Even though they mostly came here to avoid leaving school together at the same time as everyone else, they did usually get homework done so that when they left for Evan’s they could hang out properly. Working alongside Zoe was nice, they didn’t have to even say anything, just being near each other was enough. 

When Zoe does arrive a few minutes later, Evan gets up so fast that he trips over the legs of the chair and falls right into Zoe, tumbling them both to the ground. 

“Oh my god, Zoe are you okay? I didn’t mean to run into you like that. I’m so sorry”, Evan says, his face turning red, but conveniently not moving from his tangled-up position with Zoe.

Zoe looks up at him, pushing him off her just enough so that they can both sit up, so she can tackle him back down by launching herself into a hug around his waist. They both burst out laughing as Evan returns Zoe’s hug, pulling her even closer. 

“I know it’s only been a day, but I missed you,” Evan says shyly, loosening his grip on her, so they could stand back up. 

“I missed you too Ev”, Zoe tells him, reaching up to peck him on the cheek before grabbing his hand and pulling him to the table, keeping their hands interlocked as they sat across from each other. 

“Zo, can I ask you something? Something weird happened today, and it’s been bothering me,” Evan says, distractedly running this thumb up and down the back of her smaller hand. 

“Is it about Connor?”, Zoe says, looking down at her lap. When would they be able to get to a place without Connor? 

“Yeah”, Evan responds softly, understanding exactly what Zoe was feeling. He too wanted the three of them to coexist peacefully, so they could choose when to include Connor, not always have him orbiting outside their sphere like a comet waiting to strike. 

“He, um, was smiling at me, which seems dumb now that I’m saying it aloud, but then he tried to hold my hand, and when I, uh, pulled away, he just agreed with me? And left me alone, he’s never acted like that before. Um, I thought I was pretty clear yesterday, but Jared said maybe he’s like trying to get back together or thinks we’re on some kind of break”, Evan confesses, willing Zoe to look up from her lap, to see that he was struggling with this too. 

When Zoe finally looks up and meets Evan’s gaze, he sees a new air of determination about her, a steely resolve to not let Connor come between them, “I think that is weird and paired with the fact that he’s completely ignoring me, also not his usual style, that something’s definitely up. But it’s better than the alternative right? You can politely decline anything he tries to do and he’s not freaking out at me at home. I think that’s better than other outcomes and we just take that as a win. Let whatever he’s up to fall into the background, so that when we’re together it can be only us, could we try that?”, Zoe says her green eyes full of hope, staring into Evan’s.

“Yes, we could try that. I want nothing more than for us to be the only two people who matter, but I just get worried, afraid that the other shoe will drop. But you make all those noises disappear, so I trust you. This is better than other possibilities, so we can just go with it”, Evan says earnestly, smiling at her trying to bring back their carefree playful tone before he brought up Connor. 

Zoe returns his smile, her mood quickly changing as her eyes light up, remembering that there was something she needed to tell him too, “Ev, what are you doing Friday night?” 

“Um, clearly whatever it is that you’re excited about”, Evan replies with a small laugh, letting his mood change in response to hers, squeezing their still entwined hands. 

“I saw an ad for an open mic night at Capitol Café and I was thinking about performing a song or two, did you want to come with me?”, she asks her eyes pleading like a puppy dog, knowing that Evan struggled sometimes in bigger crowds.

“Zo, that’s awesome. Of course, I want to be there. You’re going to be the best one hands down,” Evan tells her, leaning over the table to kiss her quickly. It might be a little hard to be in the crowd, but for Zoe he would do it—he wanted nothing more than to support her. 

They spend the rest of their time in the library talking about Friday night. What songs Zoe should play, wondering who else would be there, overall getting excited about Zoe getting a chance to perform on her own instead of part of an ensemble. Evan couldn’t wait to see her shine.

==

Friday couldn’t come fast enough for Evan. Both today and the day before, Connor had still been acting weird and he didn’t want to think about anymore. He wanted tonight and the next two days to be a Connor-free zone, where he could focus on himself and Zoe. 

He was very excited to see Zoe sing at open mic night, he loved watching her perform. It reminded him of the time before they had been anything, when he heard her play from her room, too transfixed to move. Since then he listened to her demos that she showed him and he had heard her play with the jazz band at an assembly he couldn’t get out of. 

Zoe had to go home to change into something she deemed “performance worthy” and grab her guitar, and since the Murphy house was still a no-go place for Evan, he walked home after school and Zoe would pick him up later on the way to the café. Evan didn’t mind though, since it gave him time to stop and pick out flowers for her. They had both had a whirlwind of a week and he wanted to do something nice for her. He’d never done anything like this before (he tried his best to save his money for college), and he knew Zoe didn’t expect him to do anything for her, him coming with her was enough, but he wanted to surprise her. 

When Evan got to the store, which he specifically chose because they had self-check-out, he immediately heads to the flower section in the front. He feels a little overwhelmed at all the choices. He could go classic and get roses, but that didn’t feel like Zoe, or he could go simple with daisies, but that didn’t feel right either. Evan wanders around aimlessly until he spots the perfect bunch. It was smaller, with one white peony, bunches of smaller purple carnations, complemented with baby’s breath and a couple of deep green leaves. When Evan looks closer, he finds there’s also tiny gold star decorations among the flowers. This was the one and Evan knew Zoe was going to love them. 

He pays quickly and is thankful that they ring up easily, he hated when the clerk had to come over and fix the machine, leaving him there to awkwardly apologize.

Once Evan gets home, he changes into something nicer too. He knows they’re just going to a smaller café, but it’s also kind of their first official date and he knows Zoe’s dressing up nicer and he wants to follow her lead. He changes into a pair a nicer dark wash jeans and a light blue button up shirt. He goes back and forth on whether or not he should wear a tie, and ultimately decides against it, he didn’t want to be too much and stick out. He waits patiently for Zoe to get there, jumping to his feet when he hears her car pull into the driveway. He grabs her bouquet and hides it behind his back as he answers the door. 

Zoe looks incredible. She’s wearing a very pretty red floral dress, complemented by brown boots with a bit of a heel raising her to almost Evan’s height, and she has her pair pulled away from her face, but still down in her natural wavy curls. And Evan is speechless, opening and closing his mouth, trying to say something, but only stammering out the beginnings of words. 

Zoe chuckles, wrapping her arms around Evan’s neck kissing him soundly. Evan kisses her back ardently forgetting he was holding her flowers, pressing them into her accidentally as he went to wrap his arms around her waist. The feeling of something brushing up against her causes Zoe to pull away and look down, noticing the bouquet Evan was holding. 

In response, Evan takes a step back, pushing the flowers in between them, saying, “I got these for you”, in his adorable awkward way. When Evan sees the way Zoe is smiling ear to ear gently taking them from him, he knows he’s done a good job picking them out. 

Zoe can’t stop smiling as she wraps her arms once more around Evan, careful not to squish her flowers, whispering to him, “They’re beautiful, thank you Evan”, finishing her statement with a lingering kiss to his cheek. 

Evan feels his cheeks redden, thankful she can’t see, as they’re still pressed together, as he says quietly, “Not as beautiful as you though”.

Zoe squeezes him tightly once more before pulling away, and Evan can see that she’s blushing just as much, the pink color emphasizing her freckles, and Evan thinks she’s never looked prettier. 

“Hey Ev, could we put these in water for now and I’ll take them home when we get back?” Zoe asks, letting her hand fall to entangle with his. Evan simply nods his head and tugs her into the kitchen, dropping her hand to grab their only vase from the cupboard, and filling it with some water. He watches Zoe arrange the flowers, quietly admiring her. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

During the drive to Capitol Café, Evan notices Zoe getting nervous. He knew the signs, he was almost always exhibiting one of them, so once they park, he grabs her hand once more, smiling at her, “Zoe you’re going to be amazing, if you get nervous, just look for me and sing to me instead. You’ve done that hundreds of times, tonight’s no different.”

Zoe takes a deep breath and nods her head, squeezing Evan’s hand, “Sing to you instead, I can do that”. 

“You can do anything. You’re incredibly talented and brave. You can do this”, Evan tells her, letting go of her hand for moment so they could leave the bug and Zoe could grab her guitar, rejoining them the minute they were outside. 

Once inside, they find a small table near where the “stage” was set up and Zoe heads over to the sign-up sheet. Their table was a perfect view for Evan and an easy spot for Zoe to find when she was up there. Evan finds that he’s not particularly worried about the small crowd of people around them, something that would normally spike his anxiety. It was easy to forget about everyone else, when all his attention was focused on Zoe. 

They listen to the first couple of acts, and Evan thinks Zoe’s way more talented than them and he’s getting even more excited to see her go up. About halfway through the list is Zoe’s turn, and when they finally announce her name, she grabs her guitar and heads to the stool they have set up by the microphone. Evan sneakily sets up his phone to record her two songs, knowing that she’d want to see them later, not to mention he’d want to listen to them over and over.

The first song Zoe sings is a cover of “Cool Kids” by Echosmith. Evan had never heard it until she played it for him yesterday and he immediately agreed that it was a good choice. Her voice was haunting and deep, almost like she was talking, effortless and breathtaking. When she finishes, the crowd erupts in cheers, but no one is louder than Evan, who stands up and is the very last person clapping for her. Once he’s finally aware that no one but him was still clapping, he sits back down sheepishly, but keeps his smile on his face.

“So the next song is one I wrote recently, it’s called ‘Only Us’ and I hope you like it,” Zoe says into the mic, glancing over at Evan, before sitting back down and playing the opening chords. 

_I don't need you to sell me on reasons to want you  
I don't need you to search for the proof that I should  
You don't have to convince me  
You don't have to be scared you're not enough  
'Cause what we've got going is good_

_I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken  
I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget  
Clear the slate and start over  
Try to quiet the noises in your head  
We can't compete with all that_

_So what if it's us?  
What if it's us  
And only us  
And what came before won't count anymore or matter?  
Can we try that? _

Evan is mesmerized the entire time Zoe is singing. He thought the song before was good, but this was extraordinary. He knows the song is about them, and the things they’ve promised each other, and he’s never felt more in love with her than he does in that moment. 

When Zoe finishes the final note, the crowd is silent, and Evan sees a flash of fear cross her face, and then claps as loud and as enthusiastically as he can and the crowd follows, whooping and clapping louder than for any other performer. They had only been in awe before, transfixed by Zoe and unwilling to break the spell. Zoe smiles brightly thanking the crowd and heads back to the table by Evan. 

Evan promptly wraps her up, picking her up and spinning her around before setting her back down and kissing her. Zoe kisses him back easily melting into him, with the practiced ease they’d gained over the week, neither of them caring about the people cooing over them. 

They break apart when they hear the next performer being announced, breathless and smitten, sitting down but never taking their eyes off each other. Today had been an amazing day, and Evan has a feeling that every day he gets to spend with Zoe will be an amazing day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone liked the brief snippet of Jared and all of the BandTrees cuteness, plus what is Connor up to? I think there will actually be drama and angst next chapter, so if that's your thing stay tuned!


	9. Ten Thousand Reasons To Not Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor joins Evan and Jared for lunch. Zoe has another song to sing for Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I'm sorry I'm updating this kind of late, but starting this chapter was hard and I didn't really get inspired until today. I was supposed to be in New York this week with my best friend and we were going to see _Dear Evan Hansen_ with Jordan and Gabi as well as do a whole bunch of other cool New York stuff, but alas were both at home in different states, rescheduling TBD. So if this chapter is terrible, blame it on me being sad about my trip, not the actual writing :) 
> 
> And I know you're probably thinking, "Zoe, two song fics in a row?" and I will have to say yes unfortunately. I wanted a cute way of Zoe telling Evan major news and I think she would sing it. 
> 
> Also you might thinking, you've promised angst and drama for two chapters and this is what you give us? And to that I'd respond that once again I've fallen into the trap of fluff, but fluff that actually builds for the next chapter? I like the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, even if y'all can predict what it is and what will happen next chapter, but still... 
> 
> Last note, thoughts on this ending with a bit of Kleinphy? Obviously BandTrees is first and foremost, but I could possibly toss a little Connor/Jared in there. The thought crossed my mind as I was writing the three boys at lunch, and I was like maybe? 
> 
> Anyways, thank you to everyone who reading this story and leaving comments/kudos or bookmarking. I appreciate everything! Happy Reading!

Weeks go by and Evan and Zoe fall into a steady, happy rhythm. They feel so in sync with each other that their routine no longer feels like they’re sneaking around—they’re still overly cautious about who might see them at school, but everywhere else, they got to be themselves. 

Zoe visited him at work often, turning his job, which he had liked before Zoe came into the picture, into one of his absolute favorite things. They wouldn’t do anything too special, they usually just walked around together, talking while Evan worked, but to Evan it was everything. The chance to show off something he loved, and having Zoe eagerly soak it up, encouraging him to show more, never teasing him or trying to direct him towards a hobby more like hers, meant the world to him. 

Evan felt the same way about open-mic night at Capitol Café, which Zoe had been performing at every Friday night since she sang what Evan now considered _their_ song. He loved watching her perform more than anything. The subtle half-smile she gave in between verses, like she was cluing the audience into a secret that only she knew about, made him shiver every time he saw it. He never thought he’d be in a place where he looked forward to hanging out in a crowded public place, but with Zoe it didn’t seem like a big deal at all, it always just felt like the two of them wherever they went. 

They had even been going on real dates if they could. Zoe never made him feel less than for being anxious about talking to servers and ordering or not always being able to afford to go out. She never looked disappointed or tried to convince him to change his mind. She accepted his answers they way she accepted him, wholly and truthfully and it made him love her even more. 

The few times they did go out, they always picked a place where they could look at the space and the menu ahead of time, to help ease Evan’s anxieties. Zoe admitted that it helped her too, that being able to practice what she wanted to say beforehand, helped to build her confidence. Evan had never felt more understood by someone than he did by Zoe. She never pressured him to change who he was, never thought of him as broken, she actually knew him and liked what she saw, something that Evan thought might have been impossible for anyone to do before Zoe.

Evan can’t help but compare his and Zoe’s relationship to his and Connor’s, they were the only two he had, and they couldn’t be more different from each other. With Zoe, he could let his guard down, say anything he felt, without fear of judgment or fear of how she might react, something he could’ve never done around Connor. Looking back now, he thinks he overly romanticized his crush on Connor, and the real thing was not the person he’d concocted in his mind.

His whole life he’d felt like something was missing, and he thinks he’s found it in Zoe. She filled in all his holes little by little with tiny acts of love towards him, whereas when he was with Connor, every eye roll, every boundary crossed, every annoyed huff, felt like the holes were being chipped at little by little getting bigger, leaving Evan to wonder why people were in relationships if this is what they were like. 

While Evan and Zoe’s relationship was flowing easily and growing every day, their only hang up was school. They hadn’t made their relationship public yet, so they couldn’t hold hands in the hallway, eat lunch together, couldn’t send each other the little flower-notes that the leadership class was selling, and no matter what they said, it was getting to them. Not to mention that Connor was still acting incredibly un-Connor like. 

Every day Connor tried to talk to Evan, although he never brought up “them” again. It was mostly small talk, simple questions that could easily turn into full conversations. Evan tried his hardest to be polite, maintaining a healthy distance from Connor so he couldn’t touch him, but answering his questions the best he could. It was hard because Evan could see this as a bridge to being friends once more, but he didn’t think Connor saw it that way. Evan was pretty sure Jared was right the first time they talked about it, that Connor was trying to be less broody, trying to get back in Evan’s good graces so they could get back together. He didn’t want to lead him on, because he had absolutely no intention of getting back together, but he also didn’t want to piss Connor off. Because this Connor, the one who was trying, also didn’t mess with Zoe. She had told Evan that ever since the break-up Connor didn’t even look at her, let alone talk to her, not even yelling a morning “Fuck you” at the breakfast table. It was weird, like Zoe no longer existed in Connor’s mind, but it had to be better than the alternative, right? At least that’s what Evan and Zoe kept telling themselves. 

So Evan shouldn’t have found it strange when at lunch he was hanging out with Jared, talking about a new game for Jared had gotten for his Switch, that Connor Murphy sat down next to him asking, “Hey can I sit with you guys?”

Evan thought it sounded more like a statement than a question, as Connor was already sitting down as he asked, so he threw a panicked look over to Jared, hoping Jared would handle the situation. Jared didn’t know about him and Zoe, but he knew Evan didn’t want to get back together. 

Evan had never felt more betrayed as Jared, not sensing Evan’s panic, nods and tells Connor, “Sure bro, we were talking about this new Pokémon game I got for my Switch”. 

Connor, also ignoring Evan’s rigidity, scoots a little closer to Evan and responds to Jared, “Cool, is it anything like the old one for DS? I thought that one was pretty dope”. 

Evan is at a loss for words, what the hell was happening? And why was his closest thing to a best friend (not counting Zoe) and his ex (whom he’d been tying to avoid for weeks) having a conversation about video games right now? Neither of the other boys seem to be paying attention to Evan continuing their discussion about Pokémon, which eases him the teeniest bit. 

It was just lunch, he could get through it, participating minimally and could appropriately chastise Jared later. He just needed to relax a smidge and when it was over, he could talk to Zoe about it. They were hanging out after school at her house—she’d assured him that no one would be home, that she triple checked everyone’s schedule and plans. He just had to make it through lunch. 

“Evan, earth to Evan, dude,” Jared says, waving his hand in front of Evan, trying to grab his attention and pull him back into the conversation, “We were talking about the starters and if trying the new ones was worth it”. 

“I, uh, I d-don’t know. I always just pick the gr-grass starters. I l-like the pl-plant based ones,” Evan says trying his best to not look over at Connor and subtly glare at Jared for bringing him back into the conversation and for having it in the first place. 

Jared just laughs, Connor joining in too, and Evan can’t help but feel out of place, he couldn’t tell if they were laughing at him or with him, and all he thinks about is how Zoe would never laugh at him and he wishes that she was here with him. 

Jared finally senses how uncomfortable Evan is, and tries to calm him a bit by saying, “That was just so you Evan, but the grass ones usually turn out pretty good, so that’s a pretty solid pick. I myself always try the fire ones, probably cause everyone thinks I’m so hot”.

All three of the boys start laughing at Jared’s rationale, and for a split-second Evan thinks that this is nice, that this could maybe be the future. When they were dating, Connor never wanted to hang out with Jared too, even when Evan said they’d probably get along once Connor got past Jared’s somewhat insensitive exterior. But now, with Connor putting in the effort and Evan trying to relax, he thinks they could all be friends and it would be…nice. 

The rest of lunch passes not necessarily with ease, but not terribly either, a weird neutral. Evan thinks Connor is sitting way too close to him, but he doesn’t try anything besides brushing up against him one time when he leaned over to playfully swat Jared (Evan thought it was strange, but didn’t comment on it), so he doesn’t push it. But other than that, they’re able to hold a light conversation between the three of them about video games and books mostly. But it doesn’t stop Evan from being flooded with relief when the bell rings and he can go to fifth period. 

Jared’s class is near Evan’s so they’d been walking together and Evan wanted to use that time to give a “what the hell” talk to Jared, even though he was a lot less mad than at the beginning of lunch, he still felt that Jared needed scolding for letting Connor sit with them. But Evan can’t start in on Jared because Connor is walking on Jared’s other side, walking with them to class. He’s glad Connor chose to walk next to Jared, but Evan still finds it strange because Connor’s class was in the opposite direction as Evan and Jared’s building block. He brushes it off, but after today’s lunch he definitely needed to talk to Zoe. 

Connor and Jared continue their conversation with Evan nodding along, waving to them as he turned the corner to go to his class. As he walks away Evan sees Jared and Connor waving to him and he hears Connor say, “This was fun, we should hang out together more”. 

Evan doesn’t know how to respond and just pretends he didn’t hear him and walks into the classroom without turning back. 

==

It takes the whole afternoon and multiple concerned, but affectionate looks from Zoe during fifth period to make Evan feel better from lunch. He mostly just wanted to talk to Zoe about it. It seemed like Connor was getting bolder and Evan didn’t know how much longer he could be polite and try to brush off advances. He didn’t know how much longer Connor would keep it up either, when would he move on from Evan? 

Evan was extra fidget-y while he waited for Zoe to join him in the library, tangling his drawstrings around his fingers so tight that they turned white and tapping his foot to a sporadic beat. He hadn’t been this worked up in a while and the only one who could ease his mind was Zoe. 

Zoe comes rushing in, apologizing, “I’m sorry I’m late Ev, Ms. Cohen kept talking to me after sixth and I couldn’t get away”, kissing his cheek before sitting in her seat across from him. 

“It’s okay Zo, I knew you were coming,” Evan tells her, smiling at her and untangling his fingers to hold onto hers (holding her hand was his new go-to for calming his fidgets). 

Zoe smiles back at him gratefully, squeezing his hand, asking, “Are you okay Evan? You seemed stressed during bio and I couldn’t figure out why”. 

Instead of responding Evan looks down and starts playing with Zoe’s hand, tracing little patterns on her palm and wrist. Normally Zoe thought it was really cute when Evan did that, it usually helped her relax too, but today Evan’s a little more frantic and from his silence she thinks she knows why he’s so on edge, asking him, “Did Connor do something today?”

Evan nods, finally looking up at her, but not stopping his ministrations on her hand. Zoe sighs deeply, knowing that even though the last few weeks had been blissful, they’d eventually have to circle back to Connor, they couldn’t avoid him forever. Zoe waits patiently for Evan to tell her what happened, grabbing his other hand, so she could trace little stars on his palm the same way he was doing to her. 

“You know he’s been trying to talk to me, like everyday since we broke up. And I try my best to just be nice, and I swear I don’t lead him on or anything, but today he came and sat next to me at lunch with Jared. And he sat really close to me and like tried to brush up against me and I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but it did bother me. Then he walked with Jared and me to class, saying the three of us should hang out again,” Evan finishes, breathing heavily because he hadn’t really breathed while explaining to Zoe what happened. 

Zoe nods along with him, never letting go of his hands, knowing that Evan had more to say but trying to remain neutral, even though she was starting to get annoyed—not at Evan, but at their situation in general. 

“And I can’t help but think that if you had been there and nothing else changed, that, that it would have been a nice afternoon. That Jared and Connor get on well enough and it could have been fun even. I don’t know Zo, I think it might be time. I think that going on like this, even with me and Connor being broken up, that he’s going to keep trying, without a reason to stop. I mean me breaking up with him should be a good enough reason, but clearly, it’s not. But that it’s not fair to us to have to hide, afraid of what Connor might do, you know? It’s just been making me anxious, not knowing when we could completely be ourselves, like when we invite Connor to our wedding, will he finally get it then?” 

Evan blushes furiously, not realizing that during his confession he’d mentioned that he’d thought about marrying Zoe and had obviously pictured them together for a long time. Maybe she wouldn’t notice? Or if she did, hopefully she wouldn’t think it was weird.

Evan looks up to meet Zoe’s eyes hoping to see what she was feeling, but her eyes were clouded with many different emotions and Evan couldn’t quite tell what was going through her head. And just like she waited patiently for him, he waits for her, letting her gather her thoughts before jumping right in. 

“Well, I, uh…”, Zoe starts before standing up and letting go of one of his hands to walk around the table towards him, first sitting in the seat next to him, then deciding it was still too far away, so she tugs him to the ground and up against the wall, where she can lay her head on his chest and cuddle into him. Evan takes his free arm and wraps it around her pulling even closer. Screw anyone who might see, it probably wouldn’t be long before everyone knew anyways. 

“I, uh, I think that’s probably true. I think Connor will always be somewhat part of our relationship. We can’t really avoid it; he is my brother and he is kinda the reason we’re together now. I don’t know if I would have ever been able to talk to you on my own without the excuse of you being his boyfriend”, Zoe says, her voice quiet, feeling Evan nod his head above her, before laying his head against hers, letting her finish. 

“I also think that it’s been a few weeks and you haven’t done anything to encourage him. If he really thinks you guys are getting back together, that’s, that’s on him. That’s his delusion he needs to work through it, we can’t do it for him”, Zoe tells him, leaning up to place a feather-light kiss to his neck. 

“I think we should start putting our feelings first, and see where that takes us, and stop letting Connor control what we do. He shouldn’t get to a part of our relationship it should just be me and you. And I think that means telling Connor about us”, Evan says using the arm wrapped around Zoe to run his fingers through her hair, trying to comfort her. Telling Connor was going to hard on both of them, but Zoe more so.

Zoe nods her head against his chest, silently agreeing with everything Evan said. They don’t say anything for a while, just sit there alone in the library, taking comfort in the solid feeling of each other. 

“Can we talk more about how to tell him later though?”, Zoe asks, finally pulling away from Evan to look at him properly, “I still wanted to show you something at home, while no one else is there, can we go now?” 

“Yeah, of course”, Evan replies, kissing her temple (for good measure) before standing up with her and grabbing their bags to walk out to Zoe’s car together. 

“But before we go, Zoe, I just want to tell you, I’ll follow your lead with Connor. If you don’t want to tell him yet, I respect that. You have to live with him and honestly, I care about you so much, that I never want to do anything that you’re not comfortable with, including this. I would stay a secret for a hundred years if it meant I got to even be around you for even some of those years”, Evan tells her, blushing once more, but ignoring his urge to look away from her, he wanted her to know how serious he was, that he’d do anything she wanted, no questions asked. 

“I know Ev. I appreciate how much you care, and we’ll do it soon, I swear. But I’ve been thinking about today for a while now and I just want to show you something, that for one more day, we can push Connor into the background and forget about him. I’ve been working hard on this and I hope you’ll like it,” Zoe tells him earnestly, then reaches up on her tip toes to kiss him soundly, emphasizing her point. Evan kisses her back until neither of them can breathe and have to break apart, eagerly telling her, “I’ll love anything you do or make, no matter what”. 

Zoe just smiles at him and they walk hand in hand to her car, swinging their joined hands like kids. Zoe is considerably happier than she was earlier, and she thinks when Evan hears what she’s been working on, they’ll both be the happiest they’ve been in a long time. 

The drive to the Murphy house is quiet, but not like the last time Evan had driven there. Him and Zoe were contently listening to music, bopping along to the Zoe-made Evan-chosen playlist, and Evan had just about forgotten everything that had happened that afternoon. 

When they pull up into the driveway, Zoe raises the garage doors, just double checking that both her parents’ bays were empty and that Connor hadn’t parked in there for some reason, before parking her car. Evan lets Zoe lace their hands together and lead them through the front door. Just as a precaution, Evan doesn’t take his shoes off, not wanting anyone to walk in and find out he was there before Zoe could take him home.

Zoe leads him up to her room, which he’d actually never been in. Sure, he’d stood outside of it like a creeper, listening to her play and sing, but he’d never actually seen the inside of her room. He knows Cynthia let her and Connor decorate their own rooms a couple years ago, so he’s excited to see what a thirteen-year-old Zoe would have chosen. 

Zoe opens the door and Evan’s struck by how quintessentially _Zoe_ it is. Most of the walls are a light purple, with one darker one covered in glittery gold stars. She has gold accented furniture and a hanging chair in the corner, and bookshelves lined with vinyl records, with her record player centered in the middle of the shelf. Her desk is covered in notebooks and loose sheet music, and Evan can see where she’s doodled all over them in brightly colored gel pens. On top of her dresser is a jewelry tree (yeah Evan knew what that was, he had a mom), showing her necklaces and all the bracelets she loved to wear. Every where he looked was another facet of her, adding to reasons he loved her. 

Evan’s body filled with a warm sensation, completely in awe that he got to be a part of this amazing girl’s life. He doesn’t realize he hasn’t moved from the doorway, that he was just staring into her room instead of following her inside. Why was it he was always awkwardly standing in the Murphy siblings’ rooms? 

Zoe simply chuckles at Evan’s apparent trance and grabs his hands once more to pull him inside and over to her bed, where they both sit down. Evan finally catches up with himself and tells her, “Your room is so cool Zo, I love that everywhere I look it’s more and more of you”. 

“I spend a lot of time in here on my own, so I had to make sure it was everything I wanted,” Zoe says wistfully, shaking her head as if trying to actually shake away unpleasant memories. She gets up, leaving Evan slightly confused, but he calms down once he sees her reaching for her guitar and coming to sit back down, facing him. 

“So I’ve been working on this song for a little while now, trying to figure out how I wanted to say everything I’ve been feeling, and I’m finally ready to tell you,” Zoe says, cheeks red but her green eyes shining, smiling at Evan with adoration. 

“Well I can’t wait to hear it,” Evan tells her leaning over the guitar in her lap to kiss her sweetly, before sitting back, making sure their knees were touching, and encouraging her to start. 

Zoe starts strumming along to a pleasant tune, before starting to sing softly,

_Do you hear me,  
I'm talking to you  
Boy I hear you in my dreams  
I feel your whisper across the sea  
I keep you with me in my heart  
You make it easier when life gets hard _

Evan starts blushing and keeps smiling at Zoe, letting the warm sensation he felt earlier flood through him, accompanied by a fluttery feeling deep in his stomach. Zoe sees the way Evan’s reacting to her song and keeps looking into Evan’s eyes, a mischievous glint in her eyes, before starting the chorus,

 _I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
Lucky to have been where I have been  
Lucky to be coming home again_

Evan’s eyes widen at Zoe’s declaration, his smile growing bigger if that was even possible. It takes all his restraint to let her finish singing, and not interrupt her to immediately tell her that he loves her too. Zoe isn’t focusing so hard on playing anymore, just having fun singing to her boyfriend, letting him know how she feels, 

_They don't know how long it takes  
Waiting for a love like this  
Every time we say goodbye  
I wish we had one more kiss  
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will _

Evan had thought when Zoe sang “Only Us” to him at the café a couple weeks ago that he couldn’t possibly love her anymore than in that moment, but he was wrong. This moment, just the two of them sitting alone in her room, her singing this beautiful song to him, about how much she loves him, there couldn’t possibly be anything that could top this. 

For the longest time Evan never really thought anyone could possibly love him, that he’d always be convincing whoever he might be lucky enough to be seeing that he was worthy of their time, that he wasn’t broken, that he was enough. And here was the most incredible person he’d ever met, telling him without any prompting that she loved him. That she’s chosen him. Zoe rounds out the end of the song, not really playing or singing anymore, more just telling Evan, 

_I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend_  
Lucky to have been where I have been  
Lucky to be coming home again 

Evan watches as Zoe sets her guitar on the ground, turning back to him, asking somewhat nervously, “What did you think?”

“I love you so much Zoe Murphy. I never thought that you’d ever feel the same way about me, but you do, and, and, I don’t even know what to say besides I love you. I love you. I love you”, Evan says, wrapping his arms around her, punctuating every one of his “I love you’s” with a kiss on a different part of her face each time. 

Zoe laughs, beautiful and sweet at Evan’s affections, before saying, “I meant every word. I love you so much Evan Hansen”, finally kissing him properly. Both of them let their kiss become more heated than they’d ever done before. Evan gently placing his hand on Zoe’s hip, his thumb tracing the little sliver of skin from where her shirt had ridden up just a touch, and Zoe slowing moving her hand to match his, loving the feeling of Evan shivering from her touching him. This was new place they hadn’t ventured before, but they were too high on the adrenaline and endorphins of saying “I love you” for the first time to stop, let alone to really talk it over. They’re so entranced with each other, exploring this new territory beyond sweet kisses, that neither of them notices the sound of a car parking or the front door opening and closing. 

They definitely don’t hear the soft thud of combat boots walking up the staircase, as Zoe moves one of her hands to behind Evan’s head, simultaneously pulling him closer and playing with the hair on the nape of his neck. 

And they most undeniably don’t hear the footsteps creeping closer to Zoe’s wide-open door, as Evan rolls them over, playfully pinning Zoe beneath him, one hand traveling up towards her waist (stopping there respectfully). 

But they absolutely, one hundred percent, irrevocably hear Connor Murphy yell, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!” from the hallway before he storms into Zoe’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys Zoe and Evan told each other they loved each other and it was so cute. I couldn't not write that, it pretty much wrote itself! Also I think "Lucky" by Jason Mraz is a perfect song for the relationship I've written for Evan and Zoe, it had to be in there. 
> 
> DUN DUN DUN. Connor walking in on Zoe and Evan making out in her bed?!?!?! Y'all know things are going to get cray (probably we'll see what I end up writing) next chapter so stay tuned! I'm hoping for another Tuesday update!!


	10. If You Can't Be Happy For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finds Zoe and Evan together and things get intense. Zoe and Evan have a sleepover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everybody! Things I've learned from writing this chapter: 
> 
> 1) it is hard to start right in on an action scene, normally I blather on for a couple paragraphs while Evan contemplates something and that made starting very difficult  
> 2) I'm a sucker for Protective!Evan and a BandTrees sleepover, I apparently can't write a story without heavily featuring both of those  
> 3) What happened to Connor is pretty sad and I hope people find him sympathetic, but just unable to control his emotions or process them in a healthy way  
> 4) As much as I love to read angst and drama, I think I'm definitely better at writing fluff, but will continue attempting with the drama
> 
> So that is to say I hope you enjoy this chapter and it hopefully it delivers on your expectations! And there is a **trigger warning** for light violence in this chapter, nothing too bad, but it is there! Thank you to everyone who reads these story updates every week and thank you to everyone who kudos/comments/bookmarks I love hearing your thoughts, opinions, and feedback! Happy Reading!

Evan and Zoe immediately jump apart, Evan rolling off of her with so much force that he stumbles to the ground, leaving Zoe stunned on the bed as Connor comes booming through the doorway. Evan regains his balance, trying to subtly place himself between Zoe and Connor as Connor starts towards her and yells, “I fucking knew it! I knew you had something to do with it…”

“No, C-Connor, it w-wasn’t like that,” Evan starts, trying to defend Zoe, who was slowly creeping off the bed to get further away from Connor, finally standing closely behind Evan, peeking over his shoulder. Evan could tell she was scared of what Connor might do and tries to push her further behind him, acting like a shield.

Connor ignores Evan, keeping his focus solely on Zoe, continuing to accuse her, “You’ve been after him since we started dating. You don’t think I saw the looks you gave him, hmm? All the times you went to Ellison to stalk him? The way you probably played the victim, convincing him I was some big bad guy. Didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU!” 

Evan can feel Zoe shake her head ‘no’ behind him, and he just knows her green eyes are filling with tears. Evan wants nothing more than to turn around and comfort her, but he’s too afraid to take his eyes off Connor. 

“And now you’re doing it again. Cowering behind Evan, crying. Tricking him, making me seem like the crazy one, like always! I just fucking knew it,” Connor screams, standing close enough to her shelves, that he starts throwing her records and frames to ground, smashing them beyond repair, and when that wasn’t satisfying enough, moving to her dresser to sweep her jewelry to the ground, smirking as the beads and pendants fly everywhere throughout her room.

With every crash, Evan feels Zoe wince and he’s suddenly compelled to take a step towards Connor, trying to stop his rampage on Zoe’s stuff, before he tried to smash more important things like her guitar, which was sitting just a couple feet away from him. He senses the ghost of Zoe’s hand reaching out, trying to pull him back closer to her. But he doesn’t retreat back to her because he knows he needs to step up, to try his best to intervene before objects weren’t good enough for Connor. He’d sorta dealt with an angry Connor before both when he tried to and when he did break up with him, even if Connor was acting hundred times worse than those times, it was something that he could hold on to. He’d done it before; he could do it again. 

Evan tentatively reaches out towards Connor, not completely sure why he felt so brave right now, but it wasn’t like Connor would try to hurt _him_ , right? The motion catches Connor’s attention, momentarily stopping his rage, while Evan says, “Connor it’s n-not like that. Zoe had n-nothing to do with us br-breaking up. And we were going to t-tell you, we really were. You need to b-believe that”. 

“I don’t believe anything the two of you have cooked up. I know Zoe’s doing this just to fuck with me, especially since we were so close to getting back together”, Connor stepping over the debris all over Zoe’s floor from the destruction he’d caused and closer to Evan who was standing in the middle of the room, still keeping Zoe mostly out of view behind him. 

“W-what? Connor we, we weren’t going to get b-back together. W-why would you th-think that?”, Evan asks, backing up into Zoe as Connor continued to approach him. Evan wants nothing more than to grab Zoe’s hand, a chance to not only console each other, but as an act of solidarity, a promise that they’d get through this together. The manic look in Connor’s eyes tells him that if even dared to do more than stand next to or in front of her, then things might escalate further than they already had. 

“Yes, yes we were. We hung out at lunch today and we’ve been talking like every day at school, and we just were!”, Connor says, his face and eyes softening just a smidge, pleading with Evan.

“Connor, I w-was being nice, th-that’s all. I th-think we could be friends and all, but I have no in-intention of getting back t-together with you, or, or br-breaking up with Zoe,” Evan tells him, honestly feeling a little bad for Connor in the moment. Evan’s sympathy is gone the moment he looks up at Connor and sees his rage is back.

“That’s just Zoe’s influence on you,” Connor tries again, reaching out to grab Evan’s wrist, which Evan flinches away from and leans in closer to Zoe instead, where she clings to him like a lifeline, pulling them both further away from Connor.

“If she was gone, you wouldn’t think that”, Connor threatens menacingly, face contorting and eyes darkening to the scary black color, seething from both Evan’s rejection and the sight of Zoe holding onto him, Evan never once flinching away from her touch the way he’d done to Connor. 

“Connor, p-please listen. It’s more than f-fair for you to be upset, but if you want s-someone to blame, b-blame me, not Zoe, she didn’t have an-anything to do with our r-relationship. And yeah, we, uh, should’ve told you s-sooner about us, but we d-didn’t and we’re sorry, but we just didn’t know h-how you’d react!”, Evan says, trying to rationalize with him. Evan feels Zoe’s hand trying to intertwine with his and against his better judgment he lets it happen. If Zoe needed him right now, he would be there for her, and deal with the backlash from Connor as it happened.

“But Evan, she is the one to blame! Don’t you see that?”, Connor yells at them, kicking Zoe’s bedframe before pacing back and forth muttering the same thing to no one in particular. Connor’s quick slide into a frenzied spiral makes it apparent to both Evan and Zoe that no amount of talking was going to change Connor’s mind, that their best option would be to hopefully deescalate the situation enough for them to leave. 

They sneak a quick glance at each other, and Evan’s heart breaks just a little at the sight of Zoe. Tears were still silently streaming down her face, streaking the tiny bit of make-up she was wearing, chin wobbling and shoulders shaking, clearly edging towards a meltdown of her own. The thought of her breaking down almost makes Evan want to break down too, to let the panic seep in and overtake him and he can already feel his chest tightening, but one of them had to be on the defense against Connor, and if it had to be him, then he would do it. He would do anything for Zoe. Evan squeezes her hand tightly, signaling to her that he could be the strong one in this moment. 

Evan realizes they’ve spent too much time looking at each other, because when he returns his attention back to Connor, he’s no longer pacing but coming right toward them, staring at their intertwined hands. Connor grabs Evan’s wrist and yanks it, separating his and Zoe’s hands apart with enough power to send Zoe stumbling backwards, but not fall. 

Evan shakes away Connor’s hold on him and scrambles to return to Zoe, making sure she was okay before turning back to Connor, his voice finally raising just a little saying, “What the h-hell Connor?” 

“It’s not fair. We were together first and I loved you, I still do!”, Connor yells as he watches Evan look over Zoe, the display infuriating him even more. 

“I’m not a f-first come, first serve b-bar Connor, you can’t just st-stake a claim on me without asking h-how I feel. That’s not how relationships work! I know t-that now, from being with Zoe,” Evan says glancing once more at Zoe, firmly and defiantly grabbing her hand in front of Connor. Holy shit, when did he get so bold? 

Evan immediately regrets his actions though, as they seem to have spurred Connor on, because instead of responding with words, Connor lunges for Zoe. Moving without thinking Evan drops Zoe’s hand and steps in front of her, taking the brunt hit from Connor, cascading them both to ground. 

Connor doesn’t seem to realize he’s tackled Evan instead of Zoe (or maybe he did but it doesn’t stop him) as he hits wildly, leaning down to grab Evan by the neck, shaking him and choking him. Evan, taken by surprise by Connor’s violence, is frozen in place, the only thing he can think of is if he hadn’t stepped in front of her, would Zoe be in his position right now? Evan doesn’t struggle and its only Zoe’s incoherent screaming and attempts to pull Connor off him that finally make Connor relent.

Connor scrambles backwards off of Evan and looks from Evan, who was still on the ground coughing and catching his breath, to Zoe who was kneeling next to him checking him for any serious injuries, before realizing what he’d done. 

Zoe, speaking for the first time since this debacle started, turns to Connor, her voice breaking from crying, “How could you do this? Look at what you’ve done Connor!”

Connor meets Evan’s eyeline and sees the hurt and betrayal in Evan’s eyes as Zoe helps him sit up, both staring at Connor and scooting away from him in fear when he tries to take a step towards them. Evan doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to, his face says it all.

“I’m sorry Evan, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what happened. It was like I blacked out or something!” Connor says trying to apologize, the aftermath of his attack on Evan seemingly calming him down from his prior fury. 

“Or something Connor? You could’ve seriously hurt him!”, Zoe yells at Connor, preparing to yell more, her dam finally broken. But with one look at Evan, Zoe stops herself from yelling more, noting his heavy breathing and panicked tear-filled eyes, it was her turn to stand up for the both of them and take care of Evan, and yelling at Connor more was not going to help either of them. She chooses that moment to wrap her arms around him, pulling his head to her chest, rubbing his back and smoothing down his hair, deciding Evan was more important than Connor. She feels Evan relax the tiniest bit into her embrace and she knows she chosen the right path. 

Connor tries to approach both of them frantically, once more trying to apologize to Evan, ignoring Zoe completely, and only stopping when he sees Evan flinch into Zoe’s embrace at the prospect of him coming closer. Evan’s reaction stops Connor from advancing any closer to the pair, but he doesn’t stop his flood of excuses for his actions, not once mentioning how he had intended them for Zoe. 

Evan, having heard of enough of Connor’s what he’s deemed somewhat insincere apologies, lifts his head from Zoe’s chest, telling him directly without any hint of a stammer, “You’re only sorry that it was me and not Zoe and I won’t forgive you for that”. 

The harsh clarity of Evan’s words hits Connor like a ton of bricks, causing him to open and close his mouth, trying to come up with something to say to them, but failing. Connor can only look between Zoe’s fierce tear stained face and Evan’s betrayed one for so long, before he flees from Zoe’s room. Zoe and Evan don’t move from their position, with Zoe’s arms wrapped protectively around Evan, his head returning to her chest. But when they hear the front door slamming and the sound of a car leaving from the driveway, they finally let some of the pent-up tension ease out of them knowing that Connor wasn’t coming back for now.

As if almost on cue, both of them take a deep breath and start sobbing into one another, their adrenaline crashing at the exact same time. Evan manages to wrap his arms around the rest of Zoe’s body pulling her impossibly tighter to him. They stay like that, clutching onto each other, never trying to calm the other one down, simply letting them cry about the overwhelming experience they just shared. They had gone from overjoyed and expressing their love, to desperately defending it against a common threat in the matter of minutes, and it was a lot to process. 

Zoe is the first to stop sobbing, returning to softer cry and resumes running her hand through Evan’s hair soothingly until his cries also quiet down. When she finally speaks, her voice is thick and remorseful, telling Evan, “I’m so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. We should’ve told him earlier, but I was being selfish, and I wanted it to stay only us for as long as possible. I never thought he might hurt you though Evan.” 

Evan sits up a little, shifting so he could look at her, but still remaining as close to her as he could, before he wipes away the stray tears that had fallen and make-up smudges with his thumbs, keeping his hands on her face, pulling her in to kiss her. Their kiss was nothing like before, it was chaste and short, but comforting and they could both taste the salt leftover from their tears. A way of telling each other that everything would be okay. 

“Zo, it’s not your fault and it’s not mine either. How could’ve we have known what Connor was going to do? And I don’t think you were being selfish; you were being careful. And we were trying our best to be considerate. What we chose to do came from a good place and we need to believe that,” Evan says, sniffling and trying his best to smile at her, which Zoe attempts to smile back at him, but it’s strained.

Evan can sense that she still feels partially responsible, so he tries again while carding his hand through her hair reassuringly, pressing her into his chest, just like she had done for him, “Honestly, Zoe, we could have done everything differently and the outcome could’ve been the same or worse. We’re not responsible for what Connor does. Could we have handled things better? Yeah, probably, but we tried. I was so worried that Connor would do something to you, and he might’ve tried, but you’re okay and that’s all I care about. And if anything, I’m more worried about letting you out of my sight.”

“I guess you’re right. There’s nothing we really could’ve done. I knew Connor would be angry, but I just, I don’t know, had the tiniest glimmer of hope that he might just be happy for me you know? Like naturally I was jealous when you guys started dating because I really liked you, but still, at the time, I had been happy for him, that he had someone, and that you guys seemed happy. It’s way more complicated now and I get that, I just thought maybe…”, Zoe trails off, snuggling closer into Evan, kissing his wrist gently before intertwining his free hand with hers, before finishing quietly, “that it might be different”. 

“Hey Zo, um, you totally don’t have to if you, if you don’t want to, but um,” Evan says, twirling a piece of her hair around in his fingers. Zoe, noticing his hesitation to ask her what he was planning, squeezes his hand encouragingly, let him know there wasn’t a rush, before he finishes his question, “Do you wanna sleep over tonight? It would just make me feel better that you weren’t here when Connor got home. Just for tonight maybe?”

Any other seventeen-year-old girl might be nervous about the implications or expectations that might come with her boyfriend asking her to spend the night with him, but not Zoe. She knew Evan, and she knew he was being sincere, genuinely concerned about her safety. The thought makes her smile, the first real smile since the whole Connor-thing transpired. Zoe moves her head up from Evan’s shoulder, where she was tucked in, making sure he can see her smiling as she tells him, “Yes, that sounds like just what we need. A sleepover. I’ll tell my mom I’m staying at Bee’s for a project. I not quite ready to tell my parents about us, I still think they kinda think you and Connor are together”. 

“We’ll tell them whenever you want to. It doesn’t matter to me,” Evan says, pressing a sweet kiss to her temple before releasing his hold on her, so they could get up from the ground. 

Once they’re both standing, shaking out their legs from sitting on the ground for so long, they look around, seeing the remnants of Connor’s wrath all over, which they had almost forgotten about. Zoe walks over to the pile of smashed records by her shelf, picking up a couple pieces and looking over to Evan with a fresh wave of tears. 

Evan immediately goes to her, trying his hardest to comfort her, “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry he did this; I know how much your music means to you. But maybe we could find more. We’ll search high and low until your collection is perfect again. Maybe we could even go into the city at the cooler stores, and I’ll go with you, turn this into something fun.” 

Zoe’s tears soon turn into sniffles as she nods her head against him, “Yeah, that actually sounds nice.”

Evan squeezes her one more time, before easing his hold on her, saying, “Why don’t I clean this up, and you can pack a bag? How does that sound?” 

“Okay”, Zoe agrees, reaching up to kiss Evan on the cheek, hoping to convey her appreciation for him in actions over words, before walking into her closet. Evan smiles at her as she goes and sets in on meticulously picking up every piece of broken record from the floor, actually finding one that wasn’t cracked. Next, he goes to work restoring her jewelry tree and untangling her necklaces and reorganizing her bracelets and rings. Luckily there’s less broken jewelry than there was records and Evan kind of enjoys rehanging all of them. It’s soothing to right one of the wrongs that happened today and not to mention he gets a first-hand look at all her favorite pieces, something he can store away for later. 

Just as Evan’s finishing up with Zoe’s bracelets, Zoe returns from the hallway (Evan assumes she went to the bathroom, he hadn’t noticed her leave the closet) with her bag fully packed and ready to go. He turns to put her last one back and he feels her wrap her arms around him from behind and set her head on his back. He relaxes into her, unsure where to put his own arms because he’d never been hugged from behind before, but he decides he likes it. 

He hears Zoe faintly say, “Thank you” as she loosens her grip on him, allowing him to turn around to face her. Evan just smiles at her, telling her in what he hopes is his most sincere voice, “I would do anything for you”, before leaning to kiss her. 

==

The drive to Evan’s house is filled with both Zoe and Evan’s attempts to make everything feel less heavy, a return to where they’d been before Connor, and with that Zoe discovers that Evan’s never had or been to a proper sleepover before. 

“Well Evan, we simply have to change that,” Zoe laughs pulling into Evan’s driveway and putting her car in park, “We can order a pizza, watch movies, play silly games like Truth or Dare, and, uh, girls do stuff like makeovers and nails, I might have some nail polish in my bag to be honest, if you want to do something like that. We can make a pillow fort or just snuggle”, Zoe finishes winking at Evan as she grabs her bag from him (he’d been trying to carry it in for her). 

“All that sounds great Zo, perfect plans for the night,” Evan says unlocking his front door and holding it open for her. 

“Even the makeovers?” Zoe questions him, bumping her hip into him playfully. Evan returns the playful gesture, telling her, “Well maybe just the nails part, I think that could be cool and also something I could back, but honestly either make-up or nails sound better than Truth or Dare”. 

“So no Truth or Dare then, I’ll just think of another game, maybe spin the bottle?” Zoe flirts as she sets her bag in Evan’s room and quickly returns to his side, being away from each other seemed impossibly straining at this moment. Evan just chuckles along with her, and he can see the benefit of playing spin the bottle with only his girlfriend present and says, “Yes, that’s a much better game. I want to play that one” before lacing their hands together to move them to the living room couch. 

“We’ll play games after food, because I’m starving. Half cheese, half pepperoni?”, Zoe asks even though she already knew the answer and was ordering it from the delivery app on her phone as she spoke (Zoe, much like Evan, didn’t like calling or dealing with the money in person). 

“Sounds good. I might be wrong, but I feel like we should watch something with multiples, that feels very sleepover-y,” Evan says, trying to confirm with Zoe that his idea was good. It only takes a second of them looking at each other, Zoe nodding her head, before they blurt out at the same time, “Harry Potter”, launching them both into a fit of giggles. As their laughing dies down, Evan takes the prime opportunity to start tickling Zoe, restarting their giggles and bringing them much closer on the couch. Evan could listen to Zoe laugh for forever, the sound made him inexplicably happy, but he finally gives up his playful assault on her, leaving them both breathless and rosy-cheeked, content to remain cuddled up close. 

“You know we’re starting with Prisoner of Azkaban, right?”, Zoe quips, knowing that Evan liked Chamber of Secrets, seeing if she could push his buttons just a little, but secretly knowing she’d agree to whatever he wanted, it was his sleepover after all. 

“But Zo, Chamber of Secrets is critical for the rest of them. It sets up so much plot and is honestly on of the best books and movies. You get so much backstory and it’s just good,” Evan rambles on, finally noticing Zoe’s smirk, “You were just trying to get me to ramble, weren’t you?”.

“Yep, it’s too cute”, Zoe punctuating her sentence with a quick kiss to the tip of Evan’s nose, making him crinkle it with delight, before she continues, “besides it’s your sleepover, of course you get pick what order we watch them in”, then leaning further into him to kiss him for real. They let their kiss intensify, Evan placing his hands on her hips, and Zoe shifting so that she was sitting in Evan’s lap, arms looped loosely around his neck, daring to open her mouth just a little, pushing them just a little further. They both know they won’t go further than this, they’d already talked about taking this part of their relationship more slowly, but that didn’t mean they weren’t enjoying every second of exploring this new territory. 

They’re interrupted this time, thankfully not by someone barging in, but by the doorbell, causing both of them to jump sheepishly, noting their flushed faces and heavy breathing. Zoe moves to open the door, an unspoken agreement between them, and greets the delivery guy cheerfully, taking the pizza box and closing the door. In the meantime, Evan had grabbed plates and napkins from the kitchen, setting them on the coffee table next to where Zoe had set the pizza. Zoe gets to work plating up their slices, adding red peppers to hers and adding the tiny cup of ranch to Evan’s, while Evan searches through the TV queue to find _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_ starting it as they settled back into the couch together. 

The rest of their “sleepover” goes forward without a hitch. During the second movie, Zoe paints Evan’s nails a light shade of blue, coincidentally the only color she had in her bag, and once they dry, Evan paints hers, albeit a smidge more sloppily, the same color, admiring them as a matching set. They find Heidi’s stash of Red Vines and mini Snickers hidden in the pantry and eat them in the blanket-pillow nest they’d created once their fort collapsed multiple times. They never actually play spin the bottle, but the number of spontaneous make-out sessions more than makes up for it. By the time the third movie is half-way through, they’re both yawning and decide to call it a night. 

Evan wasn’t sure how they were going to do like bathroom stuff, do they take turns? Should he leave to give her privacy? Was it weird if he wanted to stay? Zoe answers for him as she simply starts brushing her teeth, gesturing for him to do the same. Evan smiles at her and follows her lead, charmed and completely smitten by the act of doing something so simple with her. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but somehow to Evan it is, and he wishes she could spend every night with him. 

They do take turns using Evan’s bedroom to change into their pajamas but have no qualms about snuggling up together in Evan’s bed, Zoe laying her head on his chest, with Evan’s arms pulling her tight to him. 

“Hey Zo,” Evan starts, taking a deep breath because while their sleepover was a wonderful distraction, he still felt like he needed to reassure her that everything would be okay on the Connor-front and he feels her prop her head up against her arms looking up at him, “I know today has been a lot of ups and, uh, downs, but I think we may have dealt with the worst of it? Almost like the only place to go from here is up? Connor knows about us and that means we don’t have to hide anymore. That’s a good thing, right?” 

Zoe takes a moment to think it over, before nodding her head in agreement, “Yeah I think it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean it’ll be easy getting Connor to accept us, but now we can be a little freer and that makes me happy”. 

“Also, I wanted to tell you that I love you so much and nothing that happened today would ever change that”, Evan says blushing, but meeting her eyeline earnestly, trying to let her know every word he was saying was the absolute truth. 

“I love you too Evan, probably now more than ever, and I don’t know, I just love you,” Zoe tells him, smiling at him before pushing herself up to kiss him soundly before nuzzling in closer, resting her head in the crook of his neck. They fall asleep like that, every inch of their bodies touching, clutching on to each other, and neither one of them had ever slept so soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe not really participating in the "fight" was very intentional and not because she wanted Evan to fight her battles for her. I wanted the moment that Zoe stepped in to be very impactful, that she specifically chose to be comfort Evan rather than continue fighting with her brother, which she could have easily done, especially in the wake of him hurting Evan. So hopefully that came through! 
> 
> Other than that, BandTrees, am I right? They're too cute and I'm obsessed with them (what's new though?). I fully believe Evan would let Zoe paint his nails and it would be super cute. They are very much in love and I'm hoping to keep that present throughout the rest of the story. 
> 
> Up next, I'm thinking Evan and Zoe will adjust to being a couple at school and Evan might face some bullying. Connor is not taking the new developments well, and Zoe and Evan are concerned about him, and Jared is worried too???
> 
> And in no way is this connected to the story, but I personally don't like Chamber of Secrets, please don't come for me.


	11. I Am Unfinished, I've Got So Much Left To Learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe head back to school. Evan and Heidi talk about what happened with Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!   
> Work has been super crazy with trying to figure out how to go back to working in person and my cat has been acting up, so I didn't get to edit this chapter as much as I would've wanted to, but here it is anyways. 
> 
> It's somehow the longest chapter, yet I feel like the least amount of stuff happens???? I found myself rambling a lot and probably filling in a lot of details that no one cares about so this might be a bit of a filler chapter. But the main thing I wanted this chapter to be was showing the difference between Evan and Zoe's relationship at school and his and Connor's, so hopefully that was clear.
> 
> However.....I do have to say I stan a sassy AF Zoe Murphy paired with the classic sassy AF Jared Kleinman, so that's there and I'm hoping to do more with it in later chapters. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who's reading this story and commenting and kudos-ing and I really appreciate it! I love the journey writing on this platform and for this fandom has been so I'm going to keep going with it! Happy Reading!!!!!

Evan begrudgingly turns his alarm off and rolls back to where he’d been cuddled up to Zoe, who was still sleeping soundly. Evan knows they need to wake up and get ready for school, but he can’t help but to stare at Zoe instead of waking her up. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, her hair fanned out on one of his pillows, and he didn’t want to ruin it, he wanted to stay snuggling with her forever, never leaving the protective bubble of his bed ever again. 

As Zoe starts to stir, and Evan panics slightly, he didn’t want her waking up to him staring at her like a weirdo, although at this point she might find it endearing, but he didn’t want to risk it, so he gently starts to shake her shoulder, saying, “Zo, it’s time to wake up”. 

Evan can’t contain his laugh when Zoe’s only response is a muffled “Hmmph” followed by her rolling away from him. Zoe clearly wasn’t a morning person and Evan was completely charmed by her actions. But hearing him laugh, Zoe rolls again back to him, opening one eye, asking sleepily, “Evvv, why’re you laughing?” 

“Because you’re so cute”, Evan tells her, kissing her forehead lightly, before sitting up and attempting to get out of bed. He’s stopped by Zoe throwing her arm over his lap, keeping him in place, and making him chuckle once more. He decides he really likes Zoe in the morning and wouldn’t mind spending more of them with her. 

“Evaaan, I was having a really good dream, and you were there, and everything was perfect”, Zoe sighs finally opening both her eyes, looking up at him affectionately. 

“I’m sorry Zo, I wouldn’t want to leave that either, but school calls unfortunately”, Evan says, petting her hair lovingly. 

Evan hears another “Hmmph” from Zoe as she makes her way to sitting, pulling her hair out of her face, and Evan takes the opportunity to kiss her cheek, before saying cheekily, “Good morning, Zoe Murphy”. 

Zoe smiles at him, now fully awake, kissing his cheek back, “Good morning, Evan Hansen. I have a feeling that today’s going to be a good day because we get to start it together.” 

“I think so too. I’m going to go start some coffee and breakfast. Anything you want in particular?”, Evan asks her, finally getting out of bed and encouraging Zoe to by lacing their hands together and tugging on her until she was standing. 

“Toast? And lots of cream in my coffee too?”, Zoe asks him, even though she knows that he knows the way she likes her coffee. Evan nods in response, kissing her cheek one more time before leaving so that she could change into her school clothes. 

Evan only drank coffee occasionally, it usually made his anxiety worse, but he’d been drinking more of it lately with Zoe (probably because he felt less anxious in general with her around) and has grown to appreciate it in the morning, so he starts a small pot and sets out two mugs. He sees Zoe go into the bathroom from the hallway, carrying her small make-up bag, dressed in an old band tee she’d cut into a crop top, high-waisted leggings, and an over sized flannel that he thinks might actually be his. He smiles to himself and thinks that Zoe should wear his clothes more often—they looked better on her—as he walked back into his room to change for school as well. 

Evan changes quickly into jeans and a random tee shirt, pulling his favorite hoodie on top, before heading back into the kitchen to make him and Zoe’s breakfast. While the bread is toasting, Evan pours the coffee into both mugs, leaving plenty of room in Zoe’s for the cream. He’s proud of himself that he’s made just enough, not having to waste any as he rinses out the pot and returns it to the warmer. Evan grabs the butter and the cream out the fridge just as the toast pops up. He assembles everything, setting the mugs and a plate of toast on the counter before heading into the bathroom to get Zoe. 

As he walks in the bathroom, Zoe is finishing up braiding her hair, letting it settle to one side, and Evan doesn’t interrupt her, just watches from the doorway, always in awe of how effortlessly beautiful she was and that she wanted anything to do with him.

Zoe notices him staring, but just smiles at him, returning his loving gaze as she walks over to him, intertwining both their hands so she can rest her chin on his chest, and continue to look up at him, eyes widening playfully. Evan responds by kissing the very tip of her nose and pulls her out in the hallway to lead her to the kitchen, laughing the whole way there. 

They eat and talk about what their day was going look like school-wise. Evan was pretty sure there’d be a pop quiz in his math class, and Zoe was not looking forward to another day of boring presentations in her English class. They finish up eating, putting their dishes in the sink and quickly brushing their teeth together. Evan is amazed about how natural their morning feels, like it was something they did every day, and he thinks it’s something he could get very used to—Zoe needed to sleep over more often when Heidi wasn’t home overnight. Last night she _needed_ to, but in the future, when it could just be for fun or possibly for other reasons? Sleepovers could definitely be a reoccurring event. The thought of _possible other reasons_ makes him blush furiously as he follows Zoe to her car to drive to school. 

It’s only as Zoe pulls into the parking lot at school, that Evan realizes they never talked about what was going to happen with _them_ at school, he’d been too distracted all morning and too enraptured by Zoe singing during the drive that he’d completely forgotten to bring it up with her. 

“Hey Zo, um, how are we supposed to be at school? We just haven’t talked about it yet, and now we’re here and it’s making me anxious,” Evan tells her, fiddling just a bit with his hoodie, he wasn’t at all afraid to tell her how he was feeling or what she might say, he was more nervous about the kids at school. 

“Well, what if we started off kinda slow? Eased our way into more couple-y-PDA stuff as we start getting more comfortable with it? I’m personally okay acting like we always do, because we have a way of making everything else around us feel insignificant when we’re together and I think school will end up being the same way,” Zoe says putting her bug in park so she could grasp one of Evan’s hands comfortingly, calming his fiddling instantly. 

“I guess you’re right, I hardly register anyone else when we’re together, we’re always so lost in our own world and we can treat school the same way. Only us, like always,” Evan says squeezing her hand, feeling better after hearing Zoe’s reassurances. Evan just needed to not think about it so much and do the things that came naturally to him when he was around Zoe. They didn’t have to hide anymore, and it’s not like _Evan Hansen_ was really on anyone else’s radar, besides maybe Jared’s, so people probably weren’t even going to notice. 

“I also promise that I’ll always ask before doing something when we’re at school,” Zoe tells him, running her thumb back and forth on his hand before adding, “Let’s start with right now, do you want to hold my hand and walk me to my locker or would that be too much?”

Evan looks into her eyes, and he gets the feeling that no matter what he said next, Zoe wasn’t going to love him any less, that she was genuinely asking for his consent and promising to always do that, and the thought fills him with the same warm fluttery feeling he always got around her and with some confidence to say yes. God, he loved her. He smiles at her, telling her, “Thank you Zoe, for being understanding and for being you. Yes, I think that’s a good place to start”. 

With a solid plan of action, Zoe lets go of Evan’s hand momentarily so they can get out of the car and grab their bags. When they walk to each other in front of the car, Zoe offers her hand to Evan and he doesn’t hesitate to grab it, intertwining their fingers, whispering, “Together”. 

Zoe nods, repeating “Together” back to him, squeezing his hand just one more time before they start walking in. 

Evan’s not surprised that Zoe was right earlier, with her constant stream of cheery chatter, he can’t focus on anyone but her. It’s only when they stop at her locker that he does see a couple people looking at their hands, but he redirects his attention back to Zoe, letting her presence calm him down. He keeps his eyes on her as they let their hands fall, only because Zoe has to open her locker and switch out some notebooks, still intensely listening to her talk. 

The bell rings around them, causing a flurry of students to rush towards their classrooms, Evan feels a surge of courage and laces their hands back together, asking Zoe, “Can I walk you to class?” 

Zoe beams up at him, responding sweetly, “Always”, while starting to swing their arms between them lightly. They walk to Zoe’s first period classroom, which is thankfully pretty close to Evan’s and stop just outside the door, somewhat disheartened that they have to part ways until lunch, passing periods were comically too short (seriously what was wrong with high school) to meet between classes. 

“Meet by your locker before lunch?”, Zoe asks him slowly, still swinging their hands gently, trying to drag out the time before they have to split up for morning classes. 

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Would you mind if we sat with Jared? I don’t know if I could do the cafeteria today,” Evan tells her, hoping she wouldn’t be too disappointed not seeing her friends at lunch. 

As usual, Evan should have never questioned her, because Zoe looks excited about the prospect of spending lunch not in the cafeteria and meeting Jared officially (he was Evan’s only friend after all), moving her head back and forth, not quite nodding but clearly agreeing with him and Evan thinks it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen. As much as it pains him, Evan gives her hand a final squeeze, which Zoe returns before they both let go, Zoe walking into the classroom and Evan walking down the hall. 

Evan actually tries to concentrate in his first three classes, it helps him from missing Zoe. He knows they’ve been dating for a little bit now, but somehow everything seems different, amplified. Being able to be completely out in the open, coupled with him knowing how much she loves him has made everything just feel so much more real. And he didn’t want to be clingy or anything but if he had it his way, they’d never leave each other’s side. Evan briefly thinks about next year, that Zoe still has a year left of high school, and he for the first time he actually feels good about the possibility of having to stay close by, at least until they could go somewhere together. College doesn’t seem nearly as scary when Evan thinks about doing it with Zoe. 

Surprisingly, Evan’s not really worried about fourth period and the possibility of seeing Connor. After yesterday, Evan thinks he could probably handle any mood Connor might be in or anything he might do, except a very public outburst, no matter how confident he felt, he’d probably never be able to deal with a public eruption from Connor. 

But he didn’t have anything to hide anymore and he mostly (the one day in between starting things with Zoe and breaking things off with Connor only counted a little bit) didn’t do anything wrong, so in his opinion, Connor couldn’t be mad for that, right? He’d eventually have to get over it. Maybe everything that happened yesterday could have jumpstarted Connor moving forward. And if anything, Evan thinks he should be the one who got to be mad, he was the one who got attacked. 

But it turns out Evan didn’t need to be brave or worried, because Connor never showed up to fourth period, also not super surprising. Evan thought it was a possibility (probably why he felt calmer). Connor already had a tendency to both skip class and not deal with his problems head on, avoiding things he didn’t want to deal with—pretending they didn’t exist, which now apparently included seeing Evan even in the context of school. 

Honestly Evan didn’t really mind, it was really nice to just be able to focus on his classwork. For the first time in a long time it didn’t feel like Connor got to control how Evan felt, that he wasn’t catering to Connor’s emotions just to placate him. Evan lets that light, happy feeling carry him all the way through fourth period, and when the bell rings, he’s the first one out the door ready to meet Zoe by his locker. 

When he gets there, Zoe is already waiting for him, and seeing her leaning against his locker, mindlessly scrolling through her phone causes a wave of giddiness to pass through him. Yeah, it’d only been roughly four hours since he last saw her, but it had felt like a million years. Evan jog-runs the rest of the way to his locker, fumbling over his feet when he tries to stop his momentum, accidently knocking into Zoe.

“Hey, Zoe. Sorry I didn’t mean to run into you…”, Evan starts, a blush crawling onto his face from his over-eagerness to see her. 

“Excited to see me, huh?”, Zoe asks playfully, helping Evan balance again, and he doesn’t even try to deny it, and just nods bashfully at her. Evan catches her hands as she was pulling them away from helping him steady himself and interlaces both of them, letting his smile take over his face before telling her, “I missed you”. 

Now it’s Zoe’s turn to blush, casting her eyes away for just a second before returning to meet Evan’s gaze, asking him, “Can I kiss you?”

Evan doesn’t waver at all, muttering a quick “yes” before leaning his head down to press his lips against hers for a chaste kiss. It was so simple, yet so satisfying to be able to make a decision that felt effortless, to not have his mind be thrown into a burst of negative thoughts they way it once would have at even the thought of holding hands in the hallway at school. 

Evan’s dopey lovesick grin doesn’t falter as they pull away, dropping one of Zoe’s hands so he could quickly open his locker and exchange his books. They stay that way, holding hands and beaming at each other all the way outside to the lunch table Jared was at. 

When they arrive at the table, Jared does an overexaggerated doubletake, looking between Zoe and Evan, his eyes trailing down to their entwined hands as they sat down across from him. 

“Hey Jared, this, uh, this is Z-Zoe, but uh, you p-probably knew that,” Evan says to Jared suddenly feeling anxious by Jared’s astonished reaction to him and Zoe walking up. Zoe squeezes his hand supportively, extending her free hand to Jared to shake as she greeted him, “Hey Jared, I’m glad we’re finally getting to meet officially”. 

Shaking Zoe’s hand seems to jolt Jared back to his normally snarky self, as he turns to Evan and says, “Another Murphy Evan? You seem to have quite the affinity for them”. 

Evan glares at him and Zoe just laughs a little, pulling her hand back and setting it in her lap, slightly uncomfortable at Jared’s insensitive, albeit correct statement. Evan continues his glare, especially now that he could sense Zoe was feeling awkward, telling him assertively “Shut up Jared or we’ll go somewhere else”. 

Jared, not particularly used to Evan standing his ground, is impressed and backs off with the whole “Evan plus the Murphy siblings thing”, which he was going to continue teasing Evan about, responding instead with, “ No, no, no stay. I want to hear about it. Please tell me and I’ll try to not say anything dumb”. 

Evan feels Zoe relax at Jared’s not-apology, feeling good enough to banter back to him, “Jared, I’ve known you for approximately two minutes and I can already tell you’re not capable of not saying dumb things”. 

Evan is taken aback a little by her boldness but likes this side of her. He was used to her teasing him just a little (getting him to ramble or making comments during movies he liked, just to push his buttons), but the chance to have someone on his side against Jared? He could get used to that. 

Jared doesn’t seem offended at all and laughs, “Yeah I like her. She can stick around. So anyways, you two lovebirds just get together? I’m assuming that’s why Connor was in such a shit mood today. I tried talking to him during third, but he seemed higher than normal, comatose even, and then he just got up and left half-way through class.” 

“Uh, we’ve been d-dating for a while, but uh, yeah C-Connor may have found out yesterday under the, uh, not best circumstances and he, uh, didn’t take it well. We w-were really only keeping things qu-quiet for his sake”, Evan tells Jared, his voice betraying him, cluing Jared into that fact that there was definitely more behind the story that Evan was telling.

But Jared doesn’t push it further, noting both Evan and Zoe’s tense body language, appearing again at the mention of Connor. Sometimes Jared could be quite astute and chooses to not press either of them any further even if he wanted that tea and says, “Makes sense I guess”. 

The conversation stalls a little as Zoe and Evan just nod solemnly, trying not to think too much about what had happened yesterday. Jared tries to pick them back up, diverting the conversation to their nails, which he had just noticed were painted the same color, jesting, “So you guys are going to be _that_ couple, eh? The ones with matching everything, even your nail polish? What’s next ‘E loves Z’ tattoos?” 

“Do I detect some jealously there Jared?” Zoe asks him facetiously, “Because I could do yours too you know. I think neon orange would be quite fitting. And yeah, we already got tattoos. Wanna see?”

Evan looks at her funny, not quite picking up on that she was teasing Jared, which neither does Jared because he was nodding his head enthusiastically at the prospect of seeing a tattoo. But when Zoe starts to roll of the sleeve of her flannel, Evan knows she’s kidding because she definitely did not have a tattoo on her forearm and laughs knowing she was about to do something. Jared grabs her arm to look closer, not seeing anything, she slaps his hand playfully like they were playing hot hands, laughing and saying, “No you dick, of course we don’t have tattoos and we’re not always matching”. 

Jared starts laughing too, he honestly shouldn’t have been so easily tricked, and soon all three of them are belly laughing, at what no one quite knew any more. The rest of lunch is easy for them, Zoe and Jared going back and forth with snarky quips, both of them pleased to have found someone who could take it just as easily as they dished it out. With Zoe there, Evan never felt left out or an easy target for teasing, he just felt like he belonged, that he was part of something special. And besides the one-time way back, when him and Zoe hung out during the first half of lunch when Connor had detention, he thinks this is the most enjoyable lunch time experience he’s ever had. 

When the bell rings, Evan feels a twinge of disappointment, a complete one-eighty from the relief he felt yesterday at the end of lunch. Instead of almost-fun, today was truly fun and he was looking forward to spending more time with Zoe and Jared, something he never thought he’d be able to say. It also helps that him and Zoe have the same class after lunch, so Evan gets to spend an extra hour with her, even if said hour was just them sitting next to each other taking notes, sneakily trying to smile at each other.

They walk to class hand-in-hand, promising to see Jared later when he left for his own class. They find two open seats in the middle of the classroom, a compromise from Evan’s favorite seat in the back and Zoe’s fondness for the front row (seeing the board was hard sometimes, but she swears she doesn’t need glasses). Evan barely accomplishes anything during the class, he was too busy watching Zoe, delighted in the way she changes gel pens to emphasize certain notes or drifts off and starts doodling stars all over the margins when the lecture got boring. Things he always noticed from far away, but finally got to see up close. And every time she would look to him to smile or to see his reaction from something dumb the teacher said, he was already looking at her, eyes smitten and smiling to the point of his face aching. 

How every other class seemed to last forever, but fifth period is over before Evan realizes it, will always be a mystery to him. But he walks Zoe to her next class without her asking and wonders why he was so nervous this morning. His anxiety usually talked him in to imagining the worst possible scenario, but maybe he needed to listen to the other part of his brain, the one that continuously told him _never doubt Zoe Murphy_ , and he thinks this might finally be the time it sticks. 

==

Zoe offers to drive Evan home when she tells him band practice was cancelled today because the teacher was sick. Evan readily agrees, knowing Zoe didn’t exactly want to go home and face what was waiting for her. He was hanging out with his mom today because she finally had a day off after like sixteen straight shifts and they were going to bake and watch reality TV together, a popular activity in the Hansen household. 

“Hey Zo, you know you can totally hang out with me and my mom if you want to, now that band’s cancelled. She seriously loves you”, Evan tells her as she pulls up to his house. 

“No, I know. I love hanging out with you guys too, but I can’t help but feel that I should use this time to talk to my own mom, let her know everything that’s happened. I think it’d be a good idea for at least her to know why Connor might be worse and if she even noticed, why I’ve been out of the house so much, and for us to have that talk uninterrupted, you know?”, Zoe responds, nervously tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. 

Evan reaches over to grab her hand from the steering wheel, instantly calming her tapping, similarly to the way she always calmed him down. “You know you don’t have to do that alone, my mom would understand if you want me to come with you”, he offers gently, starting to trace little stars over her wrist and forearm slowly, the way he knew she liked. 

“Yeah,” Zoe starts, taking a deep breath before finishing, “I know, and I would love to have you there for moral support, but I don’t really think my mom will pay attention to me if you’re there. She’ll try, well you know, you’ve met her before”. 

“Well, if that’s what you want”, Evan says not in a condescending tone, but in complete support; Zoe didn’t need to defend her decisions to him, he offered her the same things she offered to him. He understood that some things needed to be done without him, and yeah it sucked, but it was necessary. After thinking about it for a second, he adds, “I should probably tell my mom too. She gave me really good advice last time we talked about this stuff”. 

Evan continues his little ministrations on her arm, every once in a while adding a little kiss to her hand or wrist, doing his best to ease her mind before telling her, “But, I want to hear about how it goes, and please, please, please, if anything seems wrong or you’re worried about it or Connor scares you, just come here. Leave. I wouldn’t want anything close to what happened yesterday to happen to you alone”, his tone serious, but eyes soft, waiting for her to return his gaze.

When Zoe finally does look over to him, she looks sad, but also determined and she squeezes his hand gently, pulling him in so she could snuggle into him the best she could over the console. After a few deep inhales, Zoe finally lets go of her hold on him and Evan immediately misses having her close, but he lets her go.

“I will. I promise I’ll call you tonight and if anything happens, I won’t stay. I’ll come here”, Zoe tells him, feeling slightly better with his tiny comforts and knowing she didn’t have to stay in a house that might not be safe. 

“I love you Zoe, more than anything”, Evan says, tucking some stray wispy hairs behind her ear, kissing her cheek gently. 

Zoe smiles at him, a real one that actually reaches her eyes, replacing the sadness at least for the moment before leaning over to kiss him fully. Evan loses himself in their kiss, trying to transfer some sort of hope and confidence to her, for what she needed to do next. 

When they pull away from each other, both of them are breathless, but happy and Zoe sets her head on his shoulder, whispering, “I love you too Evan”. 

Only when Zoe lifts her head from his shoulder and puts one of hands back on the steering wheel, that Evan kisses her one final time before getting out of the car, waving from his driveway until he can no longer see her car. 

Evan decides to text her just one more teeny note of encouragement for her to see when she got home, 

**2:57 P.M. Evan Hansen:** You can do this :) Also I love you 

Even telling her through text makes his heart race just a little, putting a lightness in his step as he walks into his house. He had to believe that everything would be okay between Cynthia and Zoe. He knows Cynthia doesn’t always understand or connect to her kids, but Evan knew she tried, and he hoped for once she’d be on Zoe’s side. He loses his temporary lightness when he remembers he has to talk to his mom too, it wasn’t just Zoe having this conversation. His would be much easier undoubtedly, but he still was nervous about it. 

“Mom. I’m home,” Evan calls out, taking off his shoes and setting his bag by the door. He hears Heidi call out cheerfully from the kitchen, “Evan, I just started getting ingredients out, perfect timing”. 

Evan walks in the kitchen and hugs his mom gently, cluing her into the fact he needed to talk about something serious because he was rarely super affectionate unless something was bothering him. 

As Evan pulls away, Heidi gets the feeling that they were going to be talking for a while instead of baking, and leads Evan to the couch to sit down, letting him stay close to her before saying, “What’s on your mind honey? Did something happen between you and Zoe?” 

“Um, not b-between us n-necessarily, but, uh, Connor f-found out about us yesterday. And he was s-so mad. More t-than when I br-broke up with h-him and things g-got out of hand quickly”, Evan confesses to his mom, tilting his head from it’s perch on her shoulder to look at her better before continuing, “He, uh, tr-tried to hit Zoe, b-but I stepped in the w-way and he broke a bunch of h-her stuff. And w-when it was all over, he only tr-tried to apologize to m-me, acting like Z-Zoe wasn’t even there. It sc-scares me, her being there at th-their house. I mean she’s t-talking to her p-parents today, but w-what if that’s not g-good enough?”

Heidi takes a second to collect her thoughts, letting her hands run through Evan’s hair soothingly, feeling him relax in her arms, “I’m sorry that happened honey, and I’m sorry Zoe has to deal with it. But her parents will probably handle it, you have to trust that. Maybe this is a big wake-up call for them. You said Connor was having a lot of problems earlier, right? With his emotions, skipping school, maybe started taking drugs? Maybe this is his way of reaching out for help, and hopefully the Murphy’s will give him that help. I know it’s not much, but sometimes we can’t fix every problem and we can’t push people, even if we know it’s better for them to be pushed. What do you think, Ev?” 

“I just w-worry about her. I love her s-so much, Mom. She means ev-everything to me, and I know we’re only s-seventeen, and I probably s-sound dramatic, but she r-really does. It’s hard not b-being able to be with h-her every second, pr-protect her from anything that m-might hurt her, her f-family included”, Evan tells her, surprising himself by not crying or really feeling overwhelmed, just having a hard conversation with his mom. 

“Oh, Evan, you’re not being dramatic. You get to feel those things and being in love is wonderful and being young doesn’t mean it isn’t real. And I know, it’s really, really hard to let her deal with some things on her own, but I think that’s okay, and it will probably bring you two closer in the end, and that’s a good thing. And Zoe is always welcome here. She can come whenever she wants if she needs to get away from it all. I trust both of you”, Heidi tells him reassuringly, giving him an extra tight squeeze to really emphasize that what she was saying was what she truly meant, that Evan could trust her. 

Evan nods his head against her and doesn’t say much after that and doesn’t move from his cozy spot next to his mom. Heidi cuddles in close too and reaches for the clicker to turn on their reality TV show for a bit of an escape for now. 

Sitting with his mom, Evan contemplates everything she’s said, and he does feel a little better about the situation in general. Zoe had permission to come here and his mom was right, hopefully the Murphy’s would get Connor some help. He can’t wait to hear from Zoe later and he thinks no matter what happens, they’d be able to get through this next hurdle together and that makes him feel like everything might be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say, I think Heidi is a really great mom and I hope that comes across that my Heidi tries to impart important life lessons and treats Evan like an equal and I love it. Also I felt myself leaning into my "Bruises" storyline but I won't be repeating it in this story, the Murphy parents aren't nearly as negligent as they were in that story, so have faith! 
> 
> Also sleepy Zoe? Could she be any cuter? I love that Evan can't focus at all at school (in a positive way) because he's always day dreaming about Zoe. IT'S. ALL. TOO. CUTE. 
> 
> I didn't end up getting to Evan getting bullied for dating both Murphy's but it will be coming along with a Protective!Zoe because I think it's adorable. Also I like the idea that Evan stands up for her when she's scared (i.e. with Connor) and she stands up for him when he's anxious/overhwlemed/etc. (i.e. when being talked about). So we'll see where that goes in the future and we're also going to see a decline in our favorite emo teen Connor Murphy so stay tuned!!!!!


	12. They Don't Want Us to Be Great

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe tells Evan about her talk with her mom. Evan and Zoe deal with another day of school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! 
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter is going up a little late tonight, but the last couple days have been a lot, even though I say that every week. But this chapter now reigns as longest and I think it's pretty cute and probably the last chapter of "peace" before more Zoe/Evan/Connor drama ensues! I guess I don't have a lot to say in this AN, which is surprising!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading this story and enjoying it, I love all of you! As always please feel free to leave comments letting me know what you think about this chapter or the story in general or leave a kudos! I'd love to hear from you!

Evan and Heidi were just about done cleaning up from dinner, contemplating whether or not they should still bake something, or just continue to watch TV, when Evan feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. Evan immediately grabs it form his pocket, hoping it was Zoe (honestly there wasn’t many people it could be). His heart speeds up just a little when he sees it is from her, not sure what she was going to say. 

**7:04 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** Hey Ev I’m still talking to my mom and I didn’t want you to worry. Things are actually going really well and I’ll try and call you when I can. 

As he’s reading the first text, he sees Zoe’s chat bubble appear letting him know she was typing more,

 **7:04 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** Also I love you 

Evan lets out a big sigh of relief he didn’t even realize he was holding in and the tension his face was holding softens into a sincere smile. Zoe was okay. Her mom was listening to her. Everything was going to be okay. And she loved him. Well, he already knew that, but he’d never get tired of hearing her say it, virtually or otherwise. He doesn’t want to mess up any moment or whatever it was they were doing, between Zoe and her mom, so instead of texting back the millions of questions he had, he settles with his most simple text to date, 

**7:05 P.M. Evan Hansen:** love you _red heart_

Evan, lost in his own world dreamily staring at his phone screen smiling at their exchange, jumps a little at the feeling of his own mom’s hand on his shoulder, asking him, “Evan, is everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Th-that was Zoe. Her and her mom are s-still talking, but she s-said it was going good. She didn’t want me to worry too much about her,” Evan tells his mom, jamming his phone back into his pocket and meeting her gaze just for a moment to add, “You know what, I t-think we should bake something. I w-want to bring Zoe s-something tomorrow at school”. 

Heidi smiles at him, nodding her head in agreement, the look on her face clearly giving away that she thought his answer was adorable before giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze and telling him, “That’s great honey. I think that’s a wonderful idea. Zoe’s lucky to have someone as thoughtful as you Evan”.

Evan just blushes at his mom’s compliment, turning away from her to both hide the red tinge that was spreading rapidly and to grab some bowls from the cupboard. Heidi continues smiling at him, his embarrassment completely evident and completely delightful to her. Her little boy was in love and she couldn’t be any happier for him.

They settle on making the same cookies Evan had offered Zoe months ago when she’d given him a ride home for the first time. Evan knew she liked them and for him it doubled as a reminder of a sweet memory between them. The moment they started becoming Evan and Zoe. Best friends. Inseparable. Reigniting his long-forgotten crush on her. But it was also so much more than that. For Evan, it reminded him that Zoe would be there for him, when he felt abandoned and alone, she’d be there, that she’d be able to find him no matter what. 

Her text tonight was proof of that too, in a way. Even while having an extremely emotionally taxing conversation with her mom, she still thought to let him know about it so he wouldn’t worry. She knew him well enough that without her little reassurances that he would have let himself spiral, let his anxiety take over, constantly picturing the worst possible scenarios involving Connor, Cynthia, and Larry, a chaotic mess that he’d never be able to clean up no matter how hard he tried. But she stopped that by sending him one simple text. And he loved her even more for it. He loved every single thing about her, but mostly the way she showed him that she loved him.

Baking with his mom helps Evan keep his mind occupied while waiting for Zoe to call him. He knew there was a possibility she wouldn’t be able to, but he knew she’d at least text again to let him know either way, and he knew there was no way he’d be able to sleep until he heard from her. So he puts all his energy into cookies, even trying to make a ‘Z’ in one with chocolate chips (it melted into a jumbled mess, but the thought was there and that’s what counts).

When Heidi and Evan put the last batch in the oven and start washing up all the dishes, it’s nearly 11 o’clock and Evan can tell his mom is exhausted, so he grabs the bowl his mom was washing out of her hands and says, “Mom, I’ll finish up. G-go to bed. Also, th-thank you for tonight, I really needed it”, opting to kiss her cheek instead of hugging her, due to the large mixing bowl in his hands. 

Heidi ruffles his hair and pulls him into a side hug, letting go once she felt Evan wriggling out of her grasp, telling, “Good night honey. I love you and just remember, if everything doesn’t feel okay, it’s because it’s not over yet”. 

Evan just nods at his mom while she walks away into her room, contemplating what she’d just said. It’s true, Evan didn’t think they were quite in the clear yet, but so what if some things felt unstable, it just meant they had more learning and growing to do, and Zoe and him could do it together. 

It’s around 11:30 when Evan is finally finished in the kitchen, admiring the small bag he’d made up for Zoe, trying to make the purple ribbon his mom found just perfect. His yawn reminds him he should probably get ready for bed and leave the cookies alone. He goes through his nighttime routine, changing into his pajamas and brushing his teeth, and getting into his bed. He misses the warmth and comfort Zoe brought the night before, but he knows at least for now that they wouldn’t be able to be together every night, but hopefully one day. The thought makes him smile, spending his life with Zoe. 

Evan is preoccupied planning his future with Zoe, he’d decided they’d have at least two dogs, one Bernese mountain dog, because he knew Zoe was obsessed with them and another smaller dog, so they’d never get lonely, a big fear of both his and Zoe’s. He gets all the way to planning their future garden layout before he realizes his phone is vibrating in his lap, Zoe’s contact photo lighting up the screen. He scrambles to answer it, making him sound breathy when he answers with, “Zoe? Everything is okay right?” and he really hopes Zoe doesn’t notice his weird voice. 

“Yeah Ev, everything is better than alright. My mom and I talked for so long, about so much, even more than everything with Connor. It’s the first time I’ve felt like she’s actually heard me in a long time,” Zoe says, and her voice sounds tired, but optimistic, and Evan couldn’t be happier for her. 

“Zo, that’s great. I’m so happy you guys got to talk about everything, and she listened to you”, Evan tells her, his voice full of sincerity. He can feel himself start to relax into his bed, lying down more comfortably, his anxiety melting away knowing that Zoe would be okay, that any sleepovers in the future would be purely elective on her part. 

“She said she’d make my dad listen and they’d talk to Connor, make him go to therapy for some of his anger issues, get a better control on some of his bad habits like staying out and smoking and that they wouldn’t let him be alone with me. They’re going to really try and help him, and I don’t know Ev, I feel really good about it. Like my mom understood how worried and scared I was about him, and this was like the push she needed to admit that she’d seen it too”, Zoe tells him, sounding more relieved and relaxed as she went on. Evan imagines she’s probably in her bed too, curled up with the little white bunny he’d noticed the other day, but didn’t get the opportunity to tease her about because, uh, _reasons_. 

“Did you get to tell her about us? It’s okay if you didn’t want to, I don’t want to pressure you or anything”, Evan asks her, rushing quickly through because he hadn’t thought about how selfish his question seemed, bringing himself into something that could’ve just been between Zoe and her mom. 

“Yeah, and I was scared about it at first. That she might think the same thing as Connor, that I somehow stole you from him. Every time in the past she’s sided with Connor, never really considering how I felt, but not this time. She was actually happy for me, for us. She thinks you’re wonderful and she specifically said, ‘that Evan’s welcome anytime, he’s such a nice boy’,” Zoe says, laughing as she imitates her mom. 

Evan can’t help but laugh along with her, because he very much can see Cynthia Murphy saying those exact words to her daughter, and soon both of them are just laughing and Evan feels overwhelmed in the best way possible. He doesn’t think anything could possibly hold them back now. Everything, literally everything, was out in the open, and the only place they could go now was up, and Evan tells her just that, “Zoe, I feel like we truly get to start _being_. Like I know we have been ‘being’ and that’s been the most amazing experience I’ve ever had, but I feel like a new chapter for us is just beginning, and I know that’s cheesy, but I don’t know”, Evan trails off, giddy for both of them. 

“Ev, I know exactly what you mean. I feel so happpyyy,” Zoe yawns, giggling more afterwards. 

“Tired Zo?”, Evan asks her, suddenly feeling very tired himself, pulling his blankets up over his shoulders. 

“Yeah, I wish I wasn’t so we could keep talking though”, Zoe responds, her voice getting quieter and Evan thinks it’s one of the sweetest things he’s ever heard. 

“It’s okay, we have forever to talk about everything and nothing, and there’s no one who I’d rather talk to than you,” Evan tells her, the sleepiness creeping into his voice too.

“For forever sounds really nice Ev. Maybe we pick this back up tomorrow? I can pick you up before school if you want”, Zoe says softly, reminding Evan of her sleepy voice from this morning. 

“That sounds perfect, Zo. Goodnight, I love you”, Evan tells her, his own voice barely above a whisper at this point and he hears Zoe say, “I love you too”, before hearing what sounded like her breathing steadily. Evan has just enough wits about him to actually end the call and plug in his phone, before falling asleep, smiling through everything. They’d be more than okay, and for once Evan was sure of something. 

==

Evan gets ready faster than normal so that he can wait in his driveway for Zoe, he didn’t want to keep her waiting when she got there, and he was excited to see her. He hopes he never stops feeling excited to see her. Zoe pulls up a couple minutes later and Evan practically skips to her car, getting into the passenger side feeling overjoyed and confident.

Before even saying anything to Zoe, Evan leans across the console to kiss her cheek, causing Zoe to chuckle happily. As Evan starts to pull away to sit back in his seat, Zoe pulls him back to kiss him for real. Their kiss escalates quickly, neither of them wanting to let the other go, Zoe moves one of her hands to the nape of his neck, making Evan jolt with something he can’t quite describe but only remembers feeling once before. Evan isn’t really sure where to put his hands, so he braces himself against the driver’s side door and the edge of Zoe’s seat, and if the pesky console wasn’t there Evan thinks he might’ve been in Zoe’s lap, not that either of them would have minded. 

When they finally do pull away from each other, both their faces are flushed and they’re having considerable trouble breathing, and Evan doesn’t know for sure how Zoe’s feeling, but he feels tingly all over and part of him wants them both the skip school and never stop what they’d just started, and he thinks the same part of Zoe would agree fervently. Unfortunately, the more rational side of them decides for them, and Evan sits back in his seat and Zoe shifts the car back into drive and pulls out of Evan’s driveway. 

Feeling emboldened and realizing he actually hasn’t said anything to Zoe yet, Evan turns to her and says, “Quite a way to start the day. I wish we could say good morning like that every morning.” 

Evan notices Zoe’s blush from earlier, which had stared fading was back in full force as she nodded in agreement with him, and he thinks maybe she was feeling that same tingly sensation he was. But, realizing they probably didn’t need to show up to school together, red faced and frazzled (the less people talked about them the better), and because he was genuinely curious, Evan asks her, “How was your morning Zo?” 

“It was good-ish I guess. Nothing crazy happened, but I saw Connor though, as I was leaving. He looked like a zombie. He didn’t react at all to seeing me, not a flinch, not an eye opening, nothing. I’m pretty used to him ignoring me, but something about him felt off, like he was almost dead inside,” Zoe tells him, concern very evident on her face. Evan has a feeling she has more to say, so he just nods along with her, waiting for her to finish. 

“Like I don’t know how you feel about it, but I haven’t forgiven him for what he tried to do and what he did do to you, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch him spiral further, you know? Underneath everything, he’s still my brother and I know I’d forgive him if he apologized and wanted to try again. Is that wrong of me, to feel that way?”, Zoe asks, and the way she says it, so introspective, Evan knows this morning isn’t the first time she’s thought about it. He knew she wanted her brother back, but his actions Wednesday was making it really hard for either of them to forgive him.

“No I don’t think so. You’ve told me before how close you two used to be, and it’s not a bad thing to want that relationship back. I think I’d forgive him too, if he apologized and actually meant it. Your guy’s relationship is obviously very different than mine and Connor’s, but I feel similarly, I haven’t forgiven him yet, but I don’t want to see him hurting. Before talking about it right now, I wasn’t even sure if I was allowed to feel that way. Like shouldn’t I be angry? Or something? I don’t exactly know, but I think you’re okay. You’re a good person Zoe Murphy and a good sister and maybe one day all three of us will be in a good place together,” Evan says, watching Zoe’s emotions through her eyes as they go from sad to pensive to relieved to hopeful all over the course of Evan’s slightly long winded answer. 

“Yeah, I think you might be right Ev. I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” Zoe says in an attempt to lighten the mood just a little, because they somehow always got to a heavy place whenever they talked about Connor, and Zoe didn’t want them starting school in such a somber mood. They had just gotten to the parking lot and still had some time before they needed to head inside.

“I think there’s lots of reasons you keep me around,” Evan says cheekily, reaching over to tickle her sides, pulling her closer to his side of the car, attempting to pepper kisses all over her face, knowing that no matter what Zoe said she did enjoy their tickle fights, especially when kisses were involved, that their laughing and playing always but her in a better mood. 

Zoe starts laughing uncontrollably, trying to swat Evan away, but failing miserably at it, so she just lets it happen, enjoying the feeling. Evan finally stops when he sees some random kid looking at them through the window, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the amount of affection he was showing in a public place, if Zoe’s car counted as public.

Zoe’s laughs die down at Evan’s sudden retreat, letting her catch her breath, but prompting her to ask cutely, tilting her head to the side, “Why’d you stop Ev?” 

“Um, some, uh, kid was watching us as they walked by,” Evan tell her quietly, anxious wrapping his hands around his hoodie strings instead of reaching for her like he normally might have. 

“Oh,” is all Zoe can manage to say. She knew Evan didn’t like drawing attention to himself or them as a couple at school, even if they had made strides in the PDA department after making their relationship “public” at school yesterday. “I guess I kinda forgot we were even at school. It didn’t even cross my mind,” Zoe tells him, “Are you feeling okay? I feel like I broke my promise from yesterday, that I’d always ask if we were doing something couple-y while at school, so I’m sorry Ev”. 

“No, no Zoe, it wasn’t you. I started tickling you because I wanted to cheer you up. I hadn’t thought about us being at school either. It just threw me off to see someone clearly watching us, that’s all. I’ll be okay,” Evan says, reaching out to grab her hand, his way of showing her that they were okay and that he meant it. 

“If you’re sure,” Zoe questions him, not 100% sold on his answer, but Evan never lied to her, especially about his feelings, so she didn’t have any reason not to believe him. Zoe squeezes his hand, letting him know that she accepted his answer, before saying, “We should probably head to class anyways, the first bell should be ringing soon”. 

“Yeah, and I do want to walk you to class and I want to continue holding your hand,” Evan tells her, his voice a little shaky, but determined. It was just one kid, that neither of them knew, who probably didn’t know who they were either. He didn’t need their weird staring to ruin his perfectly good morning with Zoe. 

“Okay, sounds good to me,” Zoe says cheerfully, smiling up at him, proud that he was choosing to ignore something that made him anxious, and instead do something that made him happy, like holding her hand. 

They get out of Zoe’s bug and rejoin hands as soon as they’re next to each other, and similar to the day before, Evan focuses on Zoe and tries his best to tune out every other student. He couldn’t tell if people were watching them or not, and he tried his best to not let it get to him. 

As soon as he drops Zoe off at her classroom, he no longer has a distraction, and it could be his anxiety talking to him, but he swears other students were looking at him. Evan tries his best to blend in the small crowd left in the hallway on his way to class, convincing himself that he was only being paranoid. Why would anyone be watching _him_?

Evan tries his best all morning to shake the feeling that other students kept glancing his way. Persuade himself that it was only leftover anxiety from this morning. He tries focusing on his lectures, but they were so maddeningly boring, that he just can’t. He attempts to mindlessly doodle, like he’s seen Zoe do, but stops when he realizes he’s written “Zoe Hansen” over and over and he swears to god, the person next to him was looking at his notebook. He closes his notebook all together and just ends up looking out the window at the landscape (the school could definitely do a better job) but it’s better than everything else he’s tried. 

He’s completely forgotten to worry about Connor during fourth period and sits in his usual back row seat on autopilot, too absorbed in his own suspicion of other students. However, it seems like Connor is the one student who isn’t staring at him (or so he thinks), and he’s sitting about as far away from Evan as you could get. Connor is just as Zoe and Jared described him. Lifeless. Dazed. He has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is ratty, and his face which was normally bony and sharp in a handsome way, was sullen, skeletal, and unnaturally pale. Evan sees why Zoe was worried about him this morning. Evan doesn’t know much about drugs, but he was pretty sure this wasn’t what even the highest of highs would be like if Connor was just smoking weed. 

Evan doesn’t want to approach him because he doesn’t know how well that would go over. Maybe he could ask Jared to try and check in on him. They seemed like they could be on the way to friends. But his main worry, like always, circles back to Zoe. How long would Connor be in this stupor before the volatile Connor was back? He knew the Murphy’s said they’d try and help him, but he just worries about Zoe constantly, never wanting her to feel scared or get hurt or be upset. And he doesn’t want to be the hovering type either, always shadowing her just in case Connor did something, she deserved time to herself and time to be with her family, not matter how strained they were. What felt like a new horizon last night and this morning, was starting to dim the more Evan thought about all the ways everything could go wrong. 

He tries to shake away all the thoughts that had accumulated over the last four periods and get into a better headspace before meeting Zoe by his locker. When the bell rings, he waits for the majority of the students to leave, before getting up himself. He keeps an eye on Connor too, watching him trudge through the crowd, not looking at anyone or anything, unresponsive to everyone around him. As Evan walks to his locker, he keeps to the edges of the hallways and keeps his head down, avoiding the temptation to look around and see if people were watching him. 

When he finally can see his locker, Zoe is already waiting for him, and just seeing her there eases his mind. He feels lighter and less worried about everything as she smiles at him walking up. He reaches for her hand as soon as can and she gladly takes it. 

Evan, feeling extra in need of Zoe’s affection today, pulls her into a hug and wraps his arms tightly around her waist. Zoe is slightly taken aback by Evan’s display of affection, but quickly returns his hug, wrapping her arms around his neck and laying her head on his shoulder. 

When Evan pulls away from her, he looks calmer and less anxious than he has the whole morning at school, swapping his books out of his locker, and Zoe picks up on it immediately asking him as she moves to hold his hand once more, “Rough morning Ev?” 

“Yeah, just after this morning with that kid watching from the car, I’ve felt like the whole school is staring at me and I can’t tell if I’m imagining it or not. And I saw Connor too,” Evan says, closing his locker, and gently pulling Zoe towards the door. Zoe is the one who looks a little nervous now with the mention of Connor, which makes Evan regret that he brought him up. 

“Umm, but I was thinking, uh, maybe we could ask Jared to check in with him? I’m not quite ready to, and I, uh, don’t think you are either, but that someone should”, Evan tells her, squeezing her hand gently as they walk across the campus to meet Jared for lunch again. 

“Yeah, I think that could be good idea. It might be nice that someone who isn’t our parents to check in on him. Let him know someone cares that he’s not doing well”, Zoe says nodding her head along with Evan, looking somewhat better with the idea that neither her nor Evan would have to talk with Connor. 

“Hey guys,” Jared waves to them, putting away his laptop as Zoe and Evan sat down across from him. 

“Hey Jared!”, Zoe says while Evan just waves back to him, looking a little nervous about what he was about to ask his friend. 

“Hey Jar, c-could we ask you a f-favor?”, Evan asks, wanting to get it out of the way at the beginning of lunch, getting a little calmer when he feels Zoe start to move her thumb back and forth over their clasped hands. 

“I know, you guys want me to officiate your wedding. I’d be glad too, but I do have to say I will definitely have to mention Evan’s tree-kink, that is non-negotiable”, Jared teases both of them, but clearly poking at Evan more so than Zoe. 

“No, Jared, we’re not there yet, I’ll let you know the moment your services are needed. This is actually a little more serious than that,” Zoe supplements, sparing Evan from having to defend his “tree-kink” from Jared. 

“Uh, okay, what do you guys need?” Jared asks, now a little alarmed at what Evan and Zoe could possibly need from him. 

“Um, c-could you m-maybe try to talk to C-Connor?” Evan asks, looking down at his lap, avoiding Jared looking back and forth somewhat confusedly between Zoe and Evan. 

“Yeah, he hasn’t been doing well the last few days, as you noticed yesterday. We’re not exactly in a place where either of us can talk to him, so we thought you might be able to try. Just to make sure he’s okay?”, Zoe says, looking earnestly at Jared, hoping he’d say yes, and simultaneously comforting Evan under the table. 

“Yeah, I mean I can try. We’ve only talked a couple of times, but I’ll try. He doesn’t look too great, I have to admit,” Jared tells both of them, for once taking in the severity of the situation, and responding without any quips or jokes. 

“Thanks Jared”, Evan and Zoe say at the same time, earning an eye roll from Jared, which at least makes all three of them chuckle. With getting the “Connor” question out of the way, and getting a positive response from Jared, both Evan and Zoe visibly relax and ease into a friendly conversation with him for the rest of the lunch period. 

Once again, Evan finds himself having a remarkably fun lunch with Jared and Zoe, letting himself forget everything that was making him anxious over the morning. He’d almost forgotten about the cookies he made for Zoe last night, but presents them to her over lunch, garnering another eye roll from Jared when Zoe fawns over the purple bow. Jared's exasperation almost makes Zoe not want to share with him, but she does anyways. And Evan thinks this is what their future could be, the three of them together, he could even see himself meeting some of Zoe’s friends and all of them mixing together in a fun normal high school way. The thought makes him smile and squeeze Zoe’s hand out of happiness. 

The rest of the afternoon goes by without any problems for Evan. His class with Zoe is remarkably fun, even though his teacher sprung a partner activity on them, something that would have caused an anxiety attack if he didn’t immediately turn to Zoe, knowing he always had a partner in her. 

His last class gets let out early which gives Evan time to get to Zoe’s locker before her. He thinks about how nice the last two days have been in regards to the time he gets to spend with Zoe. He likes getting to hold her hand in the hallway, and kiss her cheek goodbye, he likes seeing her during lunch and watching her tease Jared. He likes being able to stand by her locker to wait for her. His senior year could potentially be his best year of school, ever. He just needed to calm down about thinking that people were watching him all the time. But just as that thought clears his mind, he hears a voice around the corner, mention his name. 

“Did you see Evan Hansen today? He was all over Zoe Murphy.” 

“He was just dating Connor Murphy. Do you think all three of them together?”

“I didn’t think Connor Murphy was that freaky or Zoe, but maybe.” 

Evan can’t believe that it wasn’t his anxiety telling him people were talking about him all day, they actually _had_ been. He can feel his chest start to tighten and his heart start to race, but he tries his best to keep his panic inside. He did not want to have a full blown panic attack in the hallway in front of Zoe’s locker. But he can’t make his feet move, and feels himself slide down the cool metal, unable to stop listening as more students seemed to join in. 

“I don’t think all three of them are together, but I’m pretty sure he is dating both of them.”

“Who dates a set of siblings? That is so weird!” 

“I thought he was gay though?” 

“Maybe he’s only bi for the Murphy’s.”

Evan can hear them laughing and talking, and he feels the hot tears start rolling down his cheeks, and he puts his head down on his knees and tries to curl up, hoping to block out some of the kids. He doesn’t even register Zoe’s voice pretty much yelling his name, until she’s right next to him, crouching down, running her hands through his hair. 

“Evan, what’s wrong? What happened?” Zoe asks him, incredibly concerned as to why her boyfriend was having a breakdown in the middle of the crowded hallway. 

All Evan can manage to do is shift his eyes to where he heard the voices coming from, which prompts Zoe to turn her head where she hears the students too. 

“Yeah Evan Hansen and Zoe Murphy were like almost having sex in her car this morning.” 

Zoe immediately knows why Evan is upset, and assumes he’s heard a lot more than what she just did. Choosing to back down from her brother was one thing, but a bunch of gossip mongers at school? There was no way she wasn’t going to defend herself or Evan. After one gentle kiss to Evan’s still turned down head, Zoe gets up and turns the corner to face the students who were talking about them behind their backs. 

Evan doesn’t attempt to get up and see what is happening, all he can do is listen as Zoe berates the group. 

“Real fucking classy, talking about people behind their backs. Especially shy people like Evan.” 

“No, no we weren’t talking about Evan your boyfriend Zoe.” 

“So there’s another Zoe Murphy and Evan Hansen who were almost having sex in the parking lot this morning?”

“I, uh, we, um, we didn’t mean it.” 

“Maybe you should mind you’re own fucking business for once, fucking losers. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about me or Evan or my brother ever again. Have I made myself clear enough?” 

Evan thinks the kids probably only nodded in response because he doesn’t hear anything besides a bunch of hurried footsteps leading away from him. He raises his head just a bit at the sound of lighter footsteps heading his way and sees Zoe coming to join him on the ground by her locker. 

“Bunch of idiot sophomores. I’m sorry you had to hear all that Evan,” Zoe tells him, pulling him in close. Evan lets himself relax into her arms, but he hasn’t been able to stop crying. 

“They don’t know anything about us or our relationship Ev. Nothing they said was true and we know that. That’s what’s important,” Zoe says comfortingly, running her hands through his hair, they way she knows he likes. Evan still isn’t ready to say anything, so Zoe continues, “I love you and we’ve been through a lot to be able to show each other that love. I know saying ignore it isn’t helpful and impossibly hard to do, but just like we decided together that Connor didn’t get to control the way we feel. We can decide right here, right now, that we don’t get random school kids, who we’ll probably never interact with again, control how we feel.” 

At that, Evan lifts his head to meet her eyeline, and Zoe tries to dry his tears by forming sweater paws, and at any other time Evan would have told her how cute it was, but right now all he can manage is, “I know, it’s just hard.” 

“I know Ev,” Zoe tells him back, hugging him close to her once more. They stay like that until Evan’s breathing feels more normal and there’s no more students meandering around watching them in the hallway, Zoe’s glares scaring them away from the scene. 

“Hey, if you want, we can skip open mic night tonight. We can have a movie night at yours, finish our Harry Potter marathon?” Zoe asks him, sensing that maybe being in a large crowd tonight wouldn’t be the best. 

What surprises Zoe is that Evan shakes his head “no”. Her perplexed look makes Evan smile just the tiniest bit, because she looked so cute, with her eyebrows raised curiously.

“I love seeing and watching you perform Zo. If anything, what would cheer me up would be that,” Evan tells her blushing even though Zoe probably wouldn’t notice since his face was already red from crying. 

“I can do that from home too silly,” Zoe chuckles, helping both of them to their feet, but keeping Evan flush against her, within her protective circle in case any other students dared to come near them. 

“My mom did say you could stay over whenever,” Evan trails off, feeling a lot better than before at the prospect of spending the whole night alone with Zoe again. He starts playing with the fraying belt loop on Zoe’s jeans while she dug through her locker, and Evan can feel her shiver just the tiniest bit. 

“Well that sounds like the plan then,” Zoe says wiggling her eyebrows at him, flirting back, “Stop at my house on the way home?”

“Perfect”, Evan tells her kissing her cheek, reveling in Zoe calling his house "home". And he thinks everything, even the hardest things he might have to deal with, might turn out perfect if he had Zoe Murphy by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Evan, high schoolers can be so mean! But Zoe is there to yell at them for Evan, my sweet babies. I really like writing an angry Zoe because it's defintiely an emotion I don't write for Zoe often, but she has a lot in life to be angry about, so if yelling at a bunch of dumb high school students makes her and Evan feel better, then so be it!
> 
> Also Connor is really starting to break down which can't be good... 
> 
> Also I hope it came through in this chapter that Evan and Zoe's relationship with Connor is very complex. They absolutely haven't forgiven him, but they're not necessarily holding a "grudge" against him. They want him to get better and be part of their life, but they can't let him in when he is still so toxic/volatile towards them and towards himself. 
> 
> The drama is amping up next chapter and because this is DEH, I think we might be able to tell where this is heading, but not to fear my fellow fluff-lovers, there will be plenty of established, cute BandTrees mixed in, cause now that they're together, ain't nothing going to bring them down. Stay tuned!!!!!!!!


	13. My World Has Gone Dark Without Your Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's worried about Connor, so Evan decides to try to talk to him himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! 
> 
> A new chapter posted at not 10 pm? I know it's crazy and bonus this chapter is almost 7K (now reigning as the longest, but I seem to say that with every new chapter) because now I apparently can't write anything without describing in great detail what every character is doing at that exact moment (particularly tiny things that Evan and Zoe do, because they're always touching), but oh well. Additional running theme in this chapter, using school bells to cut off conversations for SuspenseTM. I really like this chapter and I hope you do too! 
> 
> I've once again attempted to leave the chapter at a cliff hanger, so please forgive me if you hate it or it's really predictable, I'm trying. Also as much as I like writing a quippy, semi-mean Jared, I think he has the ability to be more than that and be a really good friend to both Evan and Zoe, so I hope you like his character development too! 
> 
> As always, a huge thank you to everyone reading, following, enjoying this story! It stemmed from a tiny idea and has grown into something that I'm really proud of in my creative writing journey. So thank you again for reading, leaving comments, leaving kudos, and for sticking around to see it through! Happy reading!!!!

Almost two weeks go by since Evan and Zoe had made their relationship public and Zoe had threatened the kids who had been gossiping about them. In that time, not once had Evan felt like other students were watching him or talking about his relationship with Zoe or Connor or his sexuality or anything else about him. And Evan was thankful for it, because as much as he used to hate feeling invisible, he really hated people talking about him, especially things that were salacious and untrue. He was pretty sure the rumors and gossip had stopped because Zoe had frightened the living daylight out of those sophomores, talk of which had spread just as quickly, ultimately overpowering the rumors focused on Evan, her, and Connor. It probably helped that Zoe glared at anyone who even dared to look their way too, enforcing the silence. Zoe may be tiny and sweet, but damn, she could also be intensely terrifying if she wanted. Evan thinks it might be a Murphy thing. 

But regardless of the reason behind it, Evan for the first time in his life finds school extremely enjoyable. Zoe picks him up every morning, which used to mean very enthusiastic _good mornings_ , but after realizing his mom had seen one of their impromptu make-out sessions, they had agreed to refrain from doing anything _intimate_ in either of their driveways. They really did seem to have the worst luck when it came to people finding them making out. 

When they eventually make it to school, they always hold hands and Evan was starting to get more and more comfortable with showing more of their typical very affectionate selves, especially since the bullying had stopped. They hang out with Jared at lunch mostly, but Evan had slowly started meeting some of Zoe’s friends. He knew Zoe was proud of him for trying and he actually found that he quite liked her friends. He never really participated much in the conversation, but he was following along and always by Zoe’s side. And Zoe’s friends were nice to him, even when she wasn’t there, which makes him think they might like him too. When it came to actual schoolwork, Evan’s finally managed to balance his daydreaming about Zoe and their future and paying attention in class, which makes his anxiety about falling behind and failing out of high school (which he wasn’t close to that at all, but it was still technically a possibility) quiet down. 

And Zoe, she was thriving. She’d gotten a new solo for the upcoming jazz band concert, the café staff had asked about her having her own night since people kept coming to see her at open mic night, and she’d managed to scrape by with all A’s on their last progress report. She seemed happier than Evan had ever seen her, and he knows he’s definitely thought that before, but this time just seemed different, that it might stick, and he likes to think maybe him and their relationship are part of the reason why.

But the only dark spot that kept both of them from truly rejoicing in their happiness, like always, was Connor Murphy. This time it wasn’t actually Connor per se, but the fact that he wasn’t doing any better, which made both of them worried for him. 

==

They were planning on sitting with Jared today at lunch and based on the way Jared was sulking over towards their table, he probably had news about Connor and it probably wasn’t good. 

“Hey guys,” Jared says, sitting in his usual seat across from Zoe and Evan, “I’ve been trying to check in on Connor, like you asked, and I have been on the days he shows up to class. He normally just like groans or grunts in response to my questions in his zombie way, never really acknowledging me, which is fine, even though I’m like trying to be his friend and also I’m like insanely cool and he apparently only wanted to talk to me that one day to try and get back with Evan…” 

“Jared, I hate to rush you, but did something happen today?”, Zoe asks, her voice starting to get a little higher, clearly worried about why Jared was bringing this up, prompting Evan to tighten his grip on her hand the tiniest bit, helping to ground her. 

“Uh, kind of, but I was getting there Zoe,” Jared says, pulling his backpack up onto the table beside him, “Anyways, today was different. He was straight up angry. Like before I could even say ‘hi’ he was screaming at me ‘Fuck off Kleinman’. He kept saying it too, when I tried to get closer, so like, I had to walk away right? Like I do wanna make sure he’s okay and all that, but like I also don’t want to get punched? Today he just seemed way different, so I thought you guys should know.” 

Evan and Zoe look to each other, matching apprehensive expressions on their faces, before Zoe tells Jared, “It’s okay Jared, thanks for doing this. It’ll mean a lot when he gets better, knowing that you cared and tried.” 

Evan can tell by the way Zoe looks down at her lap and starts playing with his fingers that she has more to tell them but doesn’t know quite what to say. Evan takes the moment that Jared is somewhat distracted by fishing around in his backpack to lean over and kiss her temple, silently letting her know she could take her time, that him and Jared (well, mostly him, but they’d pulled Jared into this mess too) would listen as soon as she was ready. 

“My parents are making an effort at home, they really are, but I don’t think it’s going as good as I thought”, Zoe says, her voice getting a little thicker and her chin starting to wobble, her telltale signs of eminent tears. Evan shifts their sitting position so she could continue to play with one of his hands, but so he can also put one arm around her, rubbing her back gently, hoping to keep the tears at bay. He wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, Zoe normally told him everything, and if something had happened last night, he was sure she would have come over or at least called him. She’d been fine this morning, which makes Evan think she’s either been trying to deal with it on her own or he just hadn’t noticed that something was up, a skill he prided himself on when it came to Zoe.

“Zo, did something happen?”, Evan finally asks, picking up on the fact that Jared was curious too, but also seemed genuinely worried that Zoe wasn’t okay, and his update on Connor had almost made her start crying. 

“Well, not really I guess, which is why I don’t know why I’m getting like this,” Zoe says, not embarrassed to cry in front of Evan or Jared honestly, but she was just kind of fed up in general with always feeling a little bit out of control. She sniffles just a bit, catching her breath and never actually crying, but leaning into Evan’s soothing motions on her back.

“Zoe, you know it’s okay, to be overwhelmed. It’s a lot, what you’re trying to deal with”, Jared says, much to the surprise of both Evan and Zoe. Jared had been pretty sincere about some things like checking in on Connor and not prying more into how Evan and Zoe got together or how Connor found out, but somehow, they were both shocked that he hadn’t joked about it or said something sarcastic in lieu of showing his own feelings. 

Zoe nods at him and stops fiddling with Evan’s hand, choosing to intertwine them once more before saying, “Last night I overheard my parents talking about the two therapy appointments they’d managed to force Connor into, and they were talking about how the therapist said Connor was non-responsive, like how he is with the rest of us, that they’d seen patients like Connor before, but not nearly as bad. And they’ve tried talking with him too, but I guess Connor doesn’t really buy the ‘concerned parents’ act.” Evan understands that, he remembers how weird it was at dinner when he was still dating Connor, how everything Cynthia or Larry said was like a thinly veiled critique of Connor’s actions. If his mom was like that, he doesn’t think he completely trust her intentions either. 

“I’m worried that if my parents don’t see an immediate response, they’ll give up and something bad will happen. That this nice peace we’ve had is going to come crashing down soon,” Zoe admits, also not 100% sold on her parents ability to follow through, even if they were sincerely trying to help now, and it was making her anxious. 

“Zo, how come you didn’t tell me?”, Evan asks, not trying to reprimand her, but honestly wanting to know why she hadn’t said something earlier, he didn’t like her bearing these burdens alone. Zoe doesn’t say anything in response, just squeezes Evan’s hand and lays her head on his shoulder, trying to convey that she was sorry without actually saying it aloud.

“Maybe my mom can talk to your parents about what it’s like having a kid in therapy. I know it was hard for her to watch me not really get better over the last couple years. I started seeing Dr. Sherman every week when I was twelve, and just now got to the point where we really only do check-ins once in a while or appointments when I’m really, really anxious”, Evan tells her, turning his head to meet her eyeline at his shoulder, trying his best to assuage her fears, but knowing there was only so much the three of them could do. 

Jared nods along in agreement with Evan, offering, “My parents too. My older brother was in therapy for a while too when we were little. I don’t really remember why, cause I was like six, but the Kleinman’s would be more than willing to be part of parent support group. I think they might’ve even been in one when Jonah was going through stuff.” 

Zoe nods with as much enthusiasm as she can muster (which isn’t a lot at the moment), before squeezing Evan’s hand and lifting her head off his shoulder to look back down at her lap. Evan stops rubbing her back, letting his hand settle at her hip, pulling her a little closer to his side and if they weren’t talking about such serious stuff, he would’ve laughed at the tiny whine Zoe makes at him stopping his ministrations, urging him to keep rubbing her back. As he starts again, Zoe looks between both boys saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you last night or this morning, but we’re just kids too. I feel bad dumping all of this on you guys, there’s only so many things we can do about it. But that might be a good idea. I think they might feel a little better knowing other parents have dealt with this. Hopefully, it’ll keep them putting in the effort.” 

“Um, also this might sound cr-crazy, but wh-what if I try talking with C-Connor?”, Evan says, his stammer making an appearance for the first time in a while around her and Jared, giving away that he wasn’t super confident about what he’d just said. If Zoe was shocked to see Jared say something nice, then she doesn’t have an expression to convey how she feels about Evan offering to talk to Connor. 

“Dude, are you sure? Weren’t you guys like on really bad terms last time you talked?”, Jared asks as Zoe was still staring at Evan with a bewildered look on her face, trying to figure out what to say to Evan. 

“Um, yeah, but I feel, uh, partly responsible f-for this, and I was the l-last person C-Connor really talked too. He n-never used to talk about s-serious stuff with me, but m-maybe now it’ll be d-different?”, Evan says, his voice still shaky, still not all the way convinced himself that he would actually be able to talk to Connor. The last time they’d “talked” Evan ended up gasping for air as Connor pinned him down and tried to choke him in a fit of rage directed at Zoe. So, “bad terms” was putting it nicely. 

“Like, I d-don’t know if I’ll ever really b-be able to forgive him for wh-what happened, but I could maybe j-just like talk to him? Encourage h-him to accept the help everyone is t-trying to give him?” Evan says, sheepishly looking over to Zoe, who didn’t look quite so astonished anymore at Evan’s suggestion, but like that she definitely had an opinion on the matter. 

Just as Zoe’s about to say something, the bell rings cutting her off, and Evan knows their conversation isn’t over, that she’d have more to say to him later, but for now they weren’t going to be able to discuss it. Honestly, it was probably better that Jared wasn’t there for the remainder of the conversation anyways. 

As the three pack up their bags and start walking together, Zoe does end up asking Jared, “Would you mind just keeping an eye on Connor in the classes you have together? You don’t have to try and talk to him anymore or anything, but it’d make me feel better that someone at school was…”

“Making sure he didn’t do anything totally crazy?”, Jared says trying to lighten their heavy mood just a bit before class and Zoe just nods and Evan laces their hands back together, squeezing Zoe’s hand, telling her in a way that only she’d know, that they’d talk about it after school, and that he wasn’t going to do anything without talking to her first. 

“You got it, Tiny Murph,” Jared tells Zoe, giving her a friendly side-hug, which squishes Zoe between the two boys playfully, making all three of them chuckle just a bit, despite the heaviness of Zoe’s request, before Evan and Zoe separate from Jared to go to their respective classes. 

During the last two periods of school, Evan frets about what he’d offered to do and if it was even a good idea. He hadn’t really thought it through before blurting it out at lunch and now he was worried he’d made Zoe upset too. She wasn’t acting weird in fifth period, and even gave him a small reassuring smile halfway through class, but he wasn’t convinced. He had thought she was fine this morning too, but clearly wasn’t. Has he turned into a terrible boyfriend? He can’t even tell when Zoe is upset or if he’s making her feel worse or better. What if she wanted to break up because of this? Evan’s able to talk himself out of that thought at the very least, Zoe might be mad/sad/disappointed or whatever with him, but it was very unlikely that she was going to break up with him. 

When Evan gets to Zoe’s locker after school, she’s already there waiting for him, looking calm and happy to see him, almost the exact opposite of what Evan thinks he probably looks like. But it’s a good sign that she doesn’t look like she’s about to dump him, which makes Evan feel better. And she smiles at him warmly when he greets her with a sweet kiss to her cheek. Evan feels much better when she returns his kiss and grabs his hand pulling him out towards the parking lot. They haven’t said anything yet, but they don’t really need to, and Evan briefly wonders why he was so anxious, they’d talk it over just like they always did, and he’d respect her opinion, the same way she’d respect his, like always. 

When they get inside her car, Zoe turns to him, sitting cross legged in her seat, (a position he tries to copy even though it was harder with his longer legs) and grabs both of his hands over the console, which he squeezes comfortingly before she says, “I was thinking about what you said at lunch, and at first I was like that’s a terrible idea and I don’t want you to do it, but the more I thought about it, it might be okay?”

“Really? Cause I spent the last two periods thinking about how it was such a dumb idea and that I was a terrible boyfriend and stressing you out by even suggesting it,” Evan admits to her, looking up from their intertwined hands to look into her eyes, seeing that she was serious about what she said. 

“Ev, you’re not a terrible boyfriend, you’re actually the sweetest and most thoughtful boyfriend anyone could ask for and I love you for that. And I’m pretty sure a part of me will always be stressed about Connor, we can’t really fix that right now, but I think you might be right,” Zoe tells him, leaning over their hands and kissing him sweetly, before continuing, “You’re honestly the last person Connor has really talked to, if you don’t count who’s selling him whatever he’s on right now. So maybe he would talk to you?”

Evan nods along with her logic, saying, “I think I could do it, or at least try. But definitely not at your house, too many ‘talks’ have gone way too poorly there. Maybe tomorrow at lunch?”, Evan suggests, his nervous energy making appearance by moving his thumbs back and forth over Zoe’s. 

“Maybe, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to Ev. I know you suggested it, but if it’s too much…”, Zoe trails off, noting some of Evan’s reluctance, “Maybe things will work out just fine without us interfering. And I know you said you feel responsible and so do I, but we aren’t, and we need to believe that.” 

“I know, it’s just really hard to not feel like I need to make this right somehow, because I was the one who hurt him, but I guess it’s easy to forget that we didn’t have a good relationship, not like ours, and I don’t know I just feel bad for Connor,” Evan tells her, as she breaks one of their hands to run her hand through his hair, the way she knows he likes. Evan leans into her touch, letting it calm him down, then adds, “I think I should try though. I don’t think Connor’s really going to take the first step back to us, so I think one of us has to do it, but I don’t want you to have to, so that leaves me, and I’m not sure, but I think I can do it.” 

“Okay, but you know the same rules you gave me apply to you too, right? If you feel weird or scared or that it’s not going well, you leave and you come find me?”, Zoe tells him, his safety and mental well-being was just as important to her and she needed to know that he wasn’t going to try and stick around if things went south.

Evan can’t help but smile at her, even if they were talking about something that was the reason for a lot of their unhappiness, Zoe still manages to make him feel safe and loved and completely understood. 

“Yeah I know Zo, and I will, I promise,” Evan says, pulling her in to kiss her again, this time letting themselves get carried away in the feeling of being close and supported and completely, hopelessly in love with each other. 

== 

The next day, Evan keeps a careful watch on Connor as he leaves fourth period, trying to note where exactly he was headed for lunch. But he meets Zoe first, walking with her to her friend’s table. He laughs through his very apparent blush (which Zoe has an identical one) as they titter good-naturedly about him and Zoe kissing goodbye, before walking away and waving a final goodbye to Zoe. He’d told them he had to meet with a teacher during lunch, deciding it was probably best to keep what he was really doing between him and Zoe. 

Evan remembers seeing Connor head towards the west parking lot, making him think that he was probably hiding out behind the smaller gym. That was their school’s classic “stoner” spot because it was fairly secluded and most of the staff didn’t go near it. Evan unsurprisingly sees a lanky black lump sitting up against the wall alone, with their head on their knees, and he knows he’s found Connor. And thankfully there’s no other students around.

Evan approaches him slowly, not wanting to freak him out because Connor hasn’t noticed him yet. Evan takes the time to really look at Connor, and he has to admit that he looks awful. His long hair that looks so much like Zoe’s, is greasy at the roots and tangled and matted, so Evan’s not really sure when he last showered. Connor’s clothes are wrinkled and hanging off him, and Connor’s always been skinny, but now he’s making Evan question when the last time he ate was too. Because Evan had been keeping a distance from him over the last couple of weeks, he hadn’t really noticed how deteriorated Connor had become. 

At the sound of Evan’s timid footsteps, Connor lifts his head up, and Evan can see his eyes have dark circles under them, more apparent than they’ve ever been, and as someone who usually has a lot of trouble sleeping, Evan’s sure that Connor hasn’t been sleeping either. 

Neither of them has said anything yet, but Evan continues to creep closer, until Connor seems to realize that Evan is actually there, he isn’t a figure of his imagination. Evan watches as the haze in Connor’s eyes disappear and in a quiet voice he asks, “Evan?” 

Evan nods his head and responds shakily, “Uh, hey, C-Connor, mind if I s-sit h-here?”

Connor shrugs noncommittally, and Evan figures it’s better than him yelling at him to fuck off like he did to Jared, so he sits down next to Connor, with a good distance between them. 

Another few moments pass by awkwardly, with neither of them saying anything, until Evan attempts to break the ice with, “So, uh, h-how’d you d-do on t-the, uh, English t-test?”

“Did you really come to talk to me about fucking English?”, Connor says still quietly and with only a slightly annoyed tone, but it was a response, which was more than anyone else had gotten out of Connor lately, so Evan tries to keep it going with a very unconvincing “Um, yes, because I t-thought it was, uh, hard.”

Connor looks at him with the most incredulous expression on his face, but continues anyways, his voice still quiet, “Yeah it was hard, but Mr. Walker doesn’t know a goddamn thing about literary analysis, so he’ll probably fail me.”

Evan opens his mouth to respond, with what he wasn’t really sure, but before Evan can say something, Connor cuts him off saying, “Evan why are you really over here, talking to me?”

Evan shouldn’t be taken aback by his straight forwardness, it was Connor he was talking to, but he is. He doesn’t want to say, ‘I’m checking in on you because literally everyone is worried about you and thinks you’re going to do something horrible’, because he knows that wouldn’t go over well with Connor. Instead Evan manages to say, “I, uh, just w-wanted to s-see you?”

Based on the way Connor’s eyes light up, Evan thinks he might’ve just given Connor the completely wrong impression about what his words meant. Once again, before Evan can say something, clarifying what he meant, Connor is smiling at him, saying, “I’ve been wanting to see you too, Ev”, and leaning in closer to him. 

Evan tries to scoot away subtly from him, trying to maintain the distance he had intentionally put between them when he first sat down. Connor doesn’t seem to notice, which Evan is thankful for. He didn’t really want to make Connor mad, not when he was finally talking to someone. 

“Um, h-how have you, uh, b-been?”, Evan asks him, hoping that Connor might answer him honestly and he’d able to report back to Zoe with something substantial. 

“Not good man. All of a sudden, my parents have been like trying to force me to talk with a shrink cause they think I’m crazy. And I’m not. I’m fine,” Connor says, getting a little angry telling Evan about the therapy that Zoe had encouraged his parents to make him do, which gives Evan the impression that Connor clearly didn’t know about Zoe’s involvement, or he probably would have been a lot more angry.

“I g-go to t-therapy and I’m n-not crazy Connor. It m-might help to t-talk to someone,” Evan offers, feeling like he might be on to something, if he was able to encourage Connor to keep going to therapy and participate when he did go. 

“That’s different Evan. And I’m talking to you right now, I don’t need to talk to someone my parents pay for,” Connor says brushing off Evan’s helpful advice, making Evan remember how difficult Connor could be when he didn’t want to do something. 

“Is, uh, everything else, um, okay?”, Evan pivots, deciding that Connor wasn’t really going to respond to him urging him to go to therapy, reminding Evan of what his mom said, that sometimes you just can’t push people, even if they needed that push. 

“Well, you’re talking to me for the first time in a while, so that’s good,” Connor tells him, looking at Evan sincerely, moving his legs to sit cross-legged, which pushes him a little closer to Evan. 

“I w-want all of us to be in a, in a g-good place C-Connor, where all of u-us could be on, uh, the same p-page” Evan says after a beat, trying his best to carefully word his sentences, as to not mislead Connor in any way, hoping his use of “all of us” would key him into the fact he meant Zoe too. 

Connor doesn’t respond right away, so Evan’s thinking of something else to say, looking down at his lap, when all of a sudden, he feels Connor against him, moving his face up in an attempt to kiss him. Evan quickly scrambles away before Connor can actually do it, putting a couple feet in between them. When Evan looks up at Connor’s face, he expects to see him angry, like when he rejected holding his hand during their fight after Connor found about him and Zoe, but instead Connor just looks sad and defeated. 

“C-Connor, why d-did you do that?”, Evan asks, his heart racing and his mind telling him that he should’ve known this was going to turn out poorly. He contemplates leaving right then and there and running back to Zoe, but the way Connor is looking at him, so miserable and so seemingly small, he can’t get himself to move away. 

“Evan, please take me back. I’ll do anything. I’ll stop the drugs because I know you don’t like that. I’ll be nicer to Zoe, I promise. Um, you were talking about therapy helping, and I’ll do it, I’ll keep going. Please just stay,” Connor begs, and Evan’s heart truly does break for him, but he would never, ever do that to Zoe. And honestly, he doesn’t want to do it to himself either; their relationship wasn’t healthy to begin with, and even if Evan did consider getting back together with Connor, it couldn’t be because he felt pressured to do so by Connor’s insistence or for the sake of Connor’s mental health. It wasn’t good for either of them, and Evan wasn’t going to do it.

“No Connor. I’m not breaking things off with Zoe, we’re not getting back together. I love her more than anything and I would never do that to her,” Evan says, feeling confident for the first time in this entire conversation in the words he was saying, the only things he knew without a doubt were true. 

“But you did that to me,” Connor says, his voice cracking at the top, and Evan is positive he’s going to start crying because his chin is wobbling in the exact same way that Zoe’s does when she’s about to. Evan feels immensely guilty, because even with the two relationships being completely different, Evan supposes that Connor would feel that way and it makes Evan understand his point of view a little bit better. He can’t imagine how much of a wreck he’d be if Zoe broke up with him. 

But Evan’s stuck in a hard place, not knowing what to say back without hurting Connor even more, and watching Connor soundlessly start to cry at Evan’s silence. Evan finally thinks he’s gotten the words to express how he was feeling, and tries to speak in the most delicate way possible, “I’m sorry Con, I’m s-sorry that y-you’re hurting and I d-don’t want you to, but our r-relationship was n-not good. And even if Z-Zoe wasn’t p-part of t-this, I wouldn’t ch-choose to come back either. But she is and I, I really love her. But all of us, Zoe, me, Jared, your parents, we w-want you in our lives. But, but this, this isn’t the way t-to make that happen. We’re all w-worried about you.” 

Evan doesn’t know if that was the right thing to say or not, but he never gets the chance to find out because the bell rings, jolting them both back into reality. Evan watches as Connor hurriedly wipes his face with the sleeves of his hoodie, grabs his messenger bag, and walks away from him. Evan doesn’t think Connor was going back to class, and even he felt like skipping, but he knew Zoe would freak out if he was missing from fifth period. So, feeling emotionally drained and unclear if he’d helped or hurt Connor, Evan trudges back inside to meet Zoe by the door of their classroom. They had agreed to the quickest of debriefs before class, just so that Zoe wouldn’t worry all period long if Evan was okay or not. 

Zoe, like she promised, is waiting for him outside their biology classroom, looking antsy until she finally sees him in the crowd. Evan assumes he doesn’t look great because the first thing Zoe does is wrap him into a big hug, which he gladly reciprocates, holding her close until they have to go inside. 

When they sit down, Zoe huddles in close to him to ask, “How did it go?”

“Um, I don’t know really. He did talk to me, which I guess is good, but I don’t think it ended well,” Evan tells her, not really wanting to give away too much detail, knowing that they maybe only had a minute before class started.

Evan sees the worry creep into Zoe’s eyes, so he tries to lessen that worry by saying, “But we’re both okay. Like I have a lot to tell you, but please don’t worry just yet. Let’s try to get through the rest of school, and talk when we get to my house?” 

“Yeah, you’re right Ev, but I want details as soon as we’re home,” Zoe tells him, and Evan’s stomach flutters at the casual way she refers to his house as home, something she’d been doing lately, and it always made happy no matter what mood he was in. It was almost as good as I love you. 

“Also, I missed having you at lunch. I’ve gotten so used to you being right next to me that it was weird having you gone,” Zoe says, blushing and tapping her ankle against his playfully. 

“Well I don’t want to be not by your side ever again,” Evan attempts to flirt back, toeing her shoes, admiring the tiny stars she’d drawn, before the bell rang once more. Jesus Christ, the bells here seriously had the worst timing ever. But they smile at each other and pull out their notebooks and try to pay attention during class.

Evan was glad that he had those few moments with Zoe before and after fifth (he had walked her to class and kissed her goodbye before sixth) because they were able to totally refresh his mood from lunch. It also gave him a little bit of time to process what had happened before he got to discuss it with Zoe. 

He still wasn’t sure how he felt about everything. It was not cool that Connor tried to kiss him, but it was good that Connor was talking. It wasn’t great that Connor probably left from school, or was still pretty against therapy but, well Evan can’t actually think of any other good things that happened besides Connor talking real words to him. Evan holds on to that fact above anything else and tries to convince himself that Connor wasn’t going to do anything irrational, to himself or to anyone else. 

Zoe doesn’t ask about it on the way to Evan’s house, even though he can tell she desperately wants to by the way her fingers were tapping out a beat that didn’t match the music against the steering wheel, and she was never off beat. She also hustles him out of the car and into his room faster than he’s ever seen her do before, pulling him down to sit on the bed facing her, as close together as a they could be. 

“So how did it really go? I want to know everything, from start to finish. You were there the whole lunch hour,” Zoe says lacing the hand she wasn’t already holding with hers and setting them on their legs between them. 

“Well, I the more I thought about it, the more I think it didn’t go well. But he did talk to me, for a little bit to start, I asked him about our English class,” Evan tells her, tapping his thumbs against hers, setting a steady rhythm before continuing, “But he didn’t believe me that I was there to talk about school. Um, so I told him I wanted to see him, which I definitely shouldn’t have because he definitely thought it meant more than it did. Then I asked how everything else was and he complained about your parents forcing him to go to therapy, but he didn’t seem to know that you were involved with that, so that’s good.” 

Zoe feels Evan tense up a little and she guesses that this is the part of the story where everything started to go bad. She presses a soft kiss to the back of his hand and prompts him to continue with, “So then what happened Ev?” 

“Please don’t be mad, Zo, cause I don’t think you’ll like the next part,” Evan says cautiously, looking away from her for the first time in the conversation. 

“Evan, I won’t be mad at anything you did, or didn’t do. You were trying to do something nice, for both me and Connor. I promise, you don’t ever have to be afraid to tell me something,” Zoe says earnestly, leaning over to try and meet his eyes again. Zoe knew that Evan used to not tell Connor things because he was worried about him reacting negatively and she never wanted him to feel that way in their relationship. 

“Okay,” Evan replies, meeting Zoe’s gaze once more and taking a deep breath before going on with the story, “So I was trying to tell him, um, that all of us wanted to be in a good place, and I was trying to include you without really including you, and before I knew it Connor was trying to kiss me, but it didn’t happen! I moved away before he could, and I swear I didn’t do or say anything that would have made him think I wanted him to do that.” 

Evan pauses just to watch Zoe’s reaction as he tells her what happened. He sees her face contort into something angry for a moment and he feels her squeeze his hands just a little tighter as she struggled to get a hold of how she was feeling. But the pressure on his hands and the expression on her face are gone in a matter of seconds and Zoe’s looking up at him, with an expression he can’t really gage as she tells him, “It’s okay Evan. And I’m not mad at you, so don’t think that for even a second and I’m glad you told me. It’s just a lot to process because I feel like we did something similar and I know things aren’t the same, but it makes me feel guilty and angry and I don’t want to feel that way.” 

Evan nods in agreement with her because he knows exactly what she’s talking about, because he’s felt the same way. He moves to her side so he could hug her instead, sensing that being a little closer to him is what she needed. As his arms wrap around her, he feels her relax a little and figures he can continue. 

“Um, after that I asked him why he did that, and he started telling me all these things he’d do if we got back together. He wouldn’t do drugs, he’d be nice to you, he’d go to therapy. Um and then I told him I wasn’t going to break up with you and I would never do that to you. I tried to explain that me and him didn’t have this good relationship that he seems to be holding on to, but at that point he was crying and probably not really listening to me. And then the bell rang, and I needed to see you and I’m pretty sure he just left,” Evan finishes, laying down against his pillows, pulling Zoe into the same position, with her head laying comfortably on his chest. 

“Well I’m proud of you for trying and maybe I can talk to my parents some more. I don’t know, does it make me a bad person to want everything with Connor to be done and over with?”, Zoe asks him softly, nuzzling in even closer to him, suddenly feeling very tired. 

“I don’t think you’re a bad person Zo, it’s like you said before, everything that’s happened with Connor has been a lot and we’re trying our best and there’s only so much we can do about it. It’s okay to want it to be over, I want that to,” Evan tells her, lowering his voice to match hers, almost at a whisper even though they were alone. 

Evan can feel Zoe nod her head against his chest and he leans down to kiss her hair supportively, leaving his head close to hers, running his fingers through her hair, inhaling the soft floral scent of her shampoo (in a way he hopes Zoe doesn’t find creepy), trying his best to comfort her though small actions. The talk of Connor and everything that happened at lunch hits a natural lull, there really wasn’t anything left to say, so Evan and Zoe don’t, they just take comfort in lying together, listening as their heartbeats fall in sync, filling the silence. As they snuggle into each other, Evan notices a change in Zoe’s breathing, that it was now steady and calm and when he looks down at her he sees that she’s fallen asleep on him. He keeps playing with her hair and lets his mind drift, eventually falling asleep himself. 

They wake up to the sound of Heidi coming home, realizing that they’d spent all afternoon and a good part of the evening napping, and Zoe was almost late for dinner at her own house. Even though Zoe finds Evan whining about how she should just stay over at his house and have dinner with him and Heidi very cute and very appealing, she knows her parents need her support and that she should go. After a prolonged goodbye involving many kisses and many “I love yous” and many attempts on Evan’s part to keep her home, Zoe finally heads to her parent’s house for the night, waving goodbye from her bug, promising to text him when she got there. 

Looking back on the night, if Evan had known what was to come, then he absolutely would not have let her go. He would have kept her in the safety of his house, and never let her out of his sight. And maybe things would have been different, or maybe it would have been exactly the same, he’s not really sure. But he never gets a text from Zoe that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my favorite line, which I worked the whole Connor/Evan scene around was "But you did that to me" because I think it's really heartbreaking and simple and I hope you guys liked it too! I'm trying really hard to make all the characters more complex and more relatable in a way, so I hope that's coming through too! 
> 
> Another cliffy.....What do y'all think is going to happen next, besides copious amounts of fluff that is? I don't want to give away too much that is happening next chapter, but we'll find out why Zoe never texted Evan and follow up with Connor after he left school (not from Connor's POV though, sorry), and supportive!BandTrees because I have a problem. Stay Tuned!!!!!!


	14. Maybe It's My Character, I Don't Feel Inferior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finds out why Zoe never texted him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!! 
> 
> So originally this chapter had a whole other half to it, but I wasn't going to be able to finish that half before today and I really wanted to update, so I split it in two. I think it works out pretty well though, and I like this chapter and it's still fairly long. A lot of Evan being convinced something horrible happened to Zoe. 
> 
> **TW:** This chapter mentions topic such as suicide, overdoses, hospitalizations, and the likes. This is _Dear Evan Hansen_ though, so they were going to come up eventually. It is my intention to treat these topics with sensitivity and care, so please let me know. 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone who is reading this story and following along with me, it's a wonderful ride. Thank you to all the comments/kudos/bookmarks/hits they make me happy :) Happy Reading!

Evan feels like he’s in a black hole, falling, falling, falling, never getting the chance to touch solid ground again. It had been two days since he last heard from Zoe. Two whole days without any contact, no calls, no texts, nothing, and Evan was beside himself. He’d sent her numerous texts and left many voicemails (even though he hated them) ranging from “Zoe, are you okay?” to “Zoe, please, call or text me, I’m so worried about you”. But he never gets a response. This wasn’t Zoe, she always, _always_ made sure to respond to him back. He knew without a doubt that something terribly, horribly awful had happened to her. 

And it wasn’t like she was just avoiding _him_ , she hadn’t been at school, or jazz band, he even went to the café Friday night to see if she might’ve shown up, but no such luck. He’d gathered enough courage to ask her friends at school if they’d heard from her, which they hadn’t and they were surprised Evan was asking, weren’t they basically attached at the hip? Evan figured they didn’t mean it in a rude way or anything, but it didn’t lessen the sting of their comments. Because what they had said was true, they were almost always together, which made Zoe’s disappearance and his lack of knowing why so much worse. 

It was Saturday now, and Evan was both physically and mentally exhausted. He hadn’t been able to sleep the last two days without knowing what was going on. Every time he closed his eyes, he pictured the worse possible scenarios that could’ve happened. 

_Zoe had been kidnapped and was lying dead in a ditch somewhere._

_Zoe hated him and never wanted to see him again._

_Connor had done something to her, and their parents were covering it up._

_She’d been in a car accident and it was so bad they couldn’t identify her body._

Every thought that raced through his mind made him feel worse. He’d even tried taking some of his emergency meds, but they did nothing to qualm his anxiety. He couldn’t eat either. He barely had time to think about eating, let alone actually do it. Not to mention his constant state of heightened anxiety made him feel like he could throw up at any given moment. His fingers were picked raw, bleeding because he couldn’t stop ripping off the skin around his fingernails, a habit he hadn’t done in months. It was gross but he couldn’t stop. He needed to know what happened to Zoe before he wasn’t able to function at all.

The only place Evan hadn’t been to yet was the Murphy house, so he forced himself to go as soon as he woke up (well, more like deemed it an appropriate time to show up to someone else’s house). He knew it was probably one of the first places he should’ve looked, and maybe it’s his history of having bad things happen there or something else that kept him from going, but now it was the only place left. 

On the walk there, he remembers he was supposed to be at work today, and there’s no way he could possibly do that. He was way too anxious to even focus on anything besides Zoe and her whereabouts and what if she called or texted him and he missed it because he was at work? No way, José, was he going to miss something from Zoe. So he manages to do something he’d never thought he’d be able to do, and texts his boss Paige to tell her he’d had a family emergency and wouldn’t be in today or tomorrow, even though it wasn’t technically true. But Zoe was close enough to being family, right? Even if his boss found out that he lied and then hated him and then fired him, it’d be worth it, knowing that he could be with Zoe as fast as possible if she were to call him. 

He jumps when he hears his phone chirp back that he has a new text message. His heart flutters thinking it might be Zoe, but alas it’s just Paige telling him take all the time he needs. That decreases his anxieties by about 0.1% because at least he’s not getting fired. Not that it would particularly matter if he had a heart attack from worrying about Zoe before his next shift, but it was the only piece of good news in two days, so he tries to go with it. 

As the Murphy’s house comes into view, he sees Zoe’s blue bug parked in her usual spot in the circular driveway. He’s able to cross off _Zoe got into a car accident while she was driving_ from his list of potential terrible things, and even though car accident wasn’t totally off the table, he at least knew she wasn’t the one driving. Connor’s sedan and Cynthia’s SUV are both still visible, which makes Evan think they might be home. He doesn’t see Larry’s car, but that wasn’t particularly unusual, Larry golfed a lot on Saturday mornings. 

He walks up to the front door and knocks timidly, he hated ringing doorbells and knocking loudly, it felt weird and rude to like announce his presence and make someone drop what they were doing to come greet him. He waits patiently for a couple minutes but doesn’t get a response, so he knocks a little louder on the door, thinking that maybe they just didn’t hear him, it was pretty quiet after all. But Evan once again doesn’t get a response. He can’t even hear anything through the door, which he knows sounds creepy, but he just wanted to know if someone was home or not. Even though he desperately does not want to, he rings the doorbell as a last-ditch effort to communicate with anyone who might be home. And once again no one comes to the door. 

Evan is distraught when he comes to the conclusion that no one is home, even if their cars were there. Where could the whole Murphy family be? Maybe Larry was part of a tax evasion scheme and now they were all on the run with new identities. Maybe it was one of those true crime situations where everyone was dead inside, and nobody would know about it until it was too late. But what could he do? Report his girlfriend missing? No, he’d seen those same shows, nobody believes the 17-year-old or believes that something actually bad happened to the other 17-year-old victim. They’d clap his back and say, “She probably just ran away son, rich kids do that sometimes”, and then brush him off. What a terrible world they lived in. 

Feeling even worse than before, Evan sets off to walk back home before anyone tried to report _him_ for trespassing or something. As Evan robotically maneuvers himself back to his own house, it occurs to him that he could text Connor, he hadn’t seen him at school either, but he never thought to think of it as strange. Connor missed school all the time and Zoe didn’t, therefore Zoe being gone took precedence in his mind. But he hadn’t really thought about reaching out to Connor before (probably because he felt like Connor might have had something to with what was going on, and he subconsciously didn’t want to know if that was true or not), but maybe? Just maybe Connor would respond to him, so he types out,

**8:36 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Hi Connor, Is everything okay? I haven’t seen Zoe or you at school and Zoe isn’t responding to my texts or calls. I’m worried about both of you

Evan figures adding in something about worrying about Connor too might push him to respond and it’s not like it wasn’t true. Even if Zoe was his top priority, it didn’t mean that he wanted something horrible to have happened to Connor either. 

By the time he’s back at his own house, he sees his mom is home from her graveyard shift, and Connor hasn’t responded. Evan is glad to see his mom, he hadn’t been able to talk to her since Zoe pretty much went missing and he thinks maybe she’d know if any of the Murphy’s were at the hospital, she did work there after all. 

As Evan walks into his house, he finds his mom making tea in the kitchen, looking like she was just about to head into her bed for the day. But Heidi takes one look at Evan and knows she won’t be heading to sleep any time soon. He’s curled into himself, hands shaking just a little, and he has heavy bags under his eyes. What had happened since the last time she saw her son? 

Before Evan can say anything to his mom, she abandons her tea and comes to wrap him in a big hug, and he lets her. Evan releases a small fraction of his built-up tension because his mom was here, and she’d know what to do, she always did.

Heidi pulls away a few moments later, pushing Evan’s hair from his eyes, leaving her hands on his shoulders, taking him in before asking, “What happened, bud? What’s wrong?”

All without taking a breath Evan tells her, “ZoeismissingandIhaven’theardfromherintwodaysandIknowsomethinghoriblehappenedtoherandIdon’tknowwhattodo.” 

“Sorry Evan, you need to slow down just a bit. You said Zoe was missing? Do her parents know?”, Heidi asks as she pulls Evan down to their couch, annoyed with herself for having to ask Evan to slow down, he couldn’t help talking so fast when he was upset. 

“Y-yeah, I haven’t s-seen or h-heard from h-her in t-two d-days,” Evan manages to get out more slowly, starting to sniffle in between each word, on the brink of breaking down completely, “A-and I c-can’t find her p-parents or C-Connor either”. 

“I’m sorry Evan, I’m sure she’s probably okay, it sounds like maybe all of them are together. Can you think of anything that happened earlier this week, something that maybe made her upset?”, Heidi questions, her voice soft and reassuring, not alleging that Evan did something to cause this, but needed a bigger picture to hopefully understand the whole situation better. 

“Um, no, n-not r-really. I mean I t-talked to C-Connor at s-school Wednesday, and th-that wasn’t good, but me and Zoe, we t-talked about it, overall things, things p-probably weren’t o-okay, but we, we were good, me and Zoe. She, she w-wouldn’t do something l-like this mom,” Evan tells her, finally giving in the tears welling in his eyes, tears he’s managed to keep at bay for two days. 

“Oh Evan,” is all Heidi can say as she pulls him closer, gently patting his back in an attempt to console him. He used to be so easy to comfort, because all his worries could be talked down, and she could assure him everything would be okay. In this case, Heidi wasn’t sure herself that everything would be okay, so how could she possibly tell Evan that? 

Suddenly Evan pops up from his curled-up position, as if he just remembered a critical detail, turning to Heidi, asking, “Mom, you w-were at the h-hospital, do you kn-know if any of t-them were checked in?”

Evan looked so hopeful, that he might finally get an answer, and Heidi hates that she doesn’t have it for him, “Sorry hun, I was working Labor & Delivery the last couple days, and I don’t think any of the Murphy's are having a baby”. 

Heidi watches as the tiny sliver of hope Evan had gained, drains from his eyes, ready to start bawling again, until she says, “But let me make some calls, I bet I could find out”. 

That seems to help Evan, because instead of returning to crying, he just nods at her solemnly, using the sleeves of his hoodie to wipe his face. Heidi gives him only final pat on the back, getting up to get her phone from her purse. 

Evan reaches for his phone too, deciding that aggressively refreshing Zoe’s Instagram page was the best use of his time, because what if she posted something? It also helped in calming him down, seeing the first few pictures she’d recently posted. He was even in one, a silly picture Zoe had taken of them at Ellison a few weeks ago on a hike, and the thought of it makes him smile. 

Evan is a little lost in his daydream, reminiscing about his and Zoe’s hiking date, vaguely listening to his mom in the background talking to someone, that he barely registers his phone chirping. He almost drops his phone completely when he sees its Zoe. _Finally_. He opens the new message quickly,

**9:12 A.M. Zoe Murphy:** Come to the hospital on south st please

As Evan quickly tries to text her back, but before he gets anything coherent typed out, he gets another one from Zoe, 

**9:12 A.M. Zoe Murphy:** Ill explan when yo 

Evan was caught between being relieved that he’d finally heard from her and he knew where she was and being terrified that that place was the hospital and clearly something was wrong. Zoe never misspelled things, forgot punctuation, or sent texts without any accompanying emojis or GIFs, and her last text looked like it sent before she was finished. So he sends her a burst of his own texts, 

**9:13 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Zoe, what’s going on?  
**9:13 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Is everything okay?  
**9:14 A.M. Evan Hansen:** What happened?  
**9:14 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Why are you at the hospital? 

He waits approximately 30 seconds before getting up and rushing into the kitchen to tell his mom, “Mom, Z-Zoe’s in the h-hospital. I have to g-go, can I have the k-keys?” 

“Thanks Charlie, talk to you soon,” Heidi says ending her phone call to address a very frantic looking Evan who was fishing around in her purse for the keys to the car. 

“Did she just text you?” Heidi asks, unsure if Evan should be driving in the state that he was in. 

“Yeah, and I n-need to go now, I’ll l-let you know when I get th-there,” Evan tells her finally finding the keys and racing towards the door to put his shoes back on to leave, honestly ignoring if his mom was saying anything or not, he only had one priority now. 

Seeing that there was really no stopping Evan from going at this point, Heidi manages to grab his shoulder, halting him briefly just as he was stepping out of the door, saying, “Evan please be careful, and I need the car back to go to work by six. And please let me know if everything’s okay.” 

Evan just nods his head and leaves his mom behind to get in the car, his only focus Zoe, and reaching her as fast as possible. He didn’t know any details for when he actually got to the hospital, but that didn’t matter either, he’d figure it out when he got there.

Evan was thankful he knew the way to the hospital from visiting his mom a couple of times. And as much as he wanted to break all the traffic laws that he studied so diligently to get his license, he followed them, not wanting to get pulled over on his way to see Zoe. How would that look? 

Evan pulls into the parking lot almost on autopilot and easily finds a parking spot. Once he’s out of the car and moving towards the general entrance, he decides to call Zoe, seeing how he didn’t know where she was in the hospital, but he’d search every floor if he had to. 

By the time the automatic doors open and Evan’s in the foyer, he’s tried to call Zoe four times, none of which she picked up. And he’s building up the courage to ask the reception lady for a room for Murphy comma Zoe, when he sees a familiar head of light brown hair with faded indigo streaks pacing by the elevators. _Zoe_. He’d finally found her. 

Evan runs as fast as he can to her, almost knocking down an elderly woman in the process, who just glared at him as he sputtered out “Sorry ma’am”. When Zoe finally sees him, her eyes widen and she meets him the rest of the distance, both of them wrapping their arms tightly around the other. Without thinking or caring that they’d kind of caused a scene in the middle of the hospital, Evan picks her up to spin her around, placing her gently back down, attacking her face with a flurry of kisses, finally landing on her mouth, kissing her wholly without any hesitation. Zoe responds back to him eagerly, kissing him fiercely, for the first time in their relationship, fighting with Evan for control of their kiss. Zoe decides to let Evan win for now, letting him pull her tighter against him, until there was absolutely no space between them. They break away breathless, setting their foreheads delicately together, ignoring the small group of onlookers that had formed around them, snickering about the two lovestruck teens. Evan leans in for one more chaste kiss, almost as if to double check that Zoe was indeed real and right in front of him. He’s pleased to find that she is.

Once they pull away, Evan internally chides himself, he basically jumped her without even considering that were in a freaking hospital, she could’ve been hurt. But looking over her, she doesn’t look hurt, she looked tired and stressed and like she didn’t pick out the clothes she was wearing, but overall okay. _Zoe was okay_. Evan feels like he can breathe for the first time since Wednesday night, like the heaviness he’d been holding atop his shoulders had drifted away, leaving him light and floaty. But there were so many questions that still needed to be answered. 

He feels like he’s staring at her ages before it finally occurs to him that he should ask what they were doing here, and once he starts talking, he can’t stop, flooding her with questions, “Zo, I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried about you. I was sure you were dead or something else just as terrible had happened. Why are we here? What did happen? Why didn’t you text me back? You weren’t at school and you weren’t at your house, in fact no one was at your house? Did something happen to someone else? You are okay right? Cause you look okay, but that was stupid of me to just assume that you were, without even asking…”

Zoe kisses him again to get him to stop talking knowing fully well that he’d keep going without having a reason to stop, and she couldn’t answer all his questions that fast anyways. Evan seems to understand her intentions because when they break away again, he sheepishly asks, “I was talking too fast, wasn’t I?” 

Zoe nods her head, giggling telling him, “It was very cute, and I’ve missed your rambles, and I’m very happy you’re finally here. But I can’t answer questions that fast. Let’s go to the cafeteria. I told my parents I was getting them coffee anyways and I was waiting around, hoping you’d gotten my text and would show up. And yes, I’m okay. It’s been a long couple of days, but physically nothing happened to me.”

As Zoe’s starting to explain what had happened, she laces her and Evan’s hands together, leading him toward the hospital cafeteria, a route she seemed to know well. Normally, she might’ve stopped with just intertwining their hands, but she pulls him close, setting her other hand on his bicep, as if he might disappear if she let him go. Evan squeezes her hand in solidarity, letting her know he absolutely wasn’t going anywhere. 

“Um, so before I tell you the next part, promise me you’ll try to stay calm,” Zoe says, looking up at Evan, knowing that her foreboding prelude was probably going to make him worry more, but she couldn’t just say it without giving him some kind of warning. Evan nods along with her, but she can see the worry creep into eyes as she continues, “We’re here because of Connor. Um, on Wednesday my parents had found him, and he was passed out in his room. He’d taken a full bottle of sleeping pills.”

Zoe looks up to Evan again as they take their spot in line to order and his eyes are cloudy with emotion, but she feels him squeeze her hand again, signaling that she could continue. Zoe takes a deep breath and squeezes his hand this time, knowing that it was a lot to absorb, before continuing, “Just as I was getting home, it was happening, and he was being rushed to the hospital. My mom grabbed me and put me in my dad’s car, and I was so confused as to what was going on. I tried texting you as we were driving, but my mom snatched my phone away, claiming that ‘we need to be a family right now, no distractions’, she still has it too. Refused to give it back to me, even when I told her I needed to tell you. I managed to sneak it out of her purse earlier, but she caught me, and took it away again, which is why I never got to text you back.” 

“I’m sorry Zo,” Evan says, slowly trying to take in everything she’d just said, rubbing his thumb back and forth against her hand, unsure if it was for her benefit or his, and eventually asking her in a small voice, “Is Connor okay though?”

“We’re not totally sure. The doctors, uh, said he’s stable for now, but that could change, and he hasn’t woken up yet,” Zoe tells him, as they make it to the front of the line. Zoe orders two medium and one large coffee, as well as a couple of pastries, before asking Evan if he wanted anything. Evan just awkwardly shakes his head “no” and tries to avoid making eye contact with the cashier. He was still thinking about Connor and what he did. Was it because of Evan? Was it because he’d rejected him that day? Or maybe it was because he fell in love with his little sister? Had Evan really caused another person so much pain that they wanted to end their own life? 

He’s pulled out of his morbid thoughts when Zoe asks him for help carrying the stuff she’d just gotten and somehow they manage to carry a drink tray, a bag of pastries, and continue holding hands, because Zoe simply didn’t want to let him go. 

“It’s been a really terrible couple of days Ev, and it’s been even harder without being able to see you. Only my dad has gotten to go home, to grab clothes and whatever, my mom’s been too much of a wreck to leave alone, so I’ve had to stay with her,” Zoe says leading Evan back out to the elevators where they’d met. 

“Well, I’m here now, and I’ll stay as long as you want me to,” Evan tells her, punctuating his sentence with a kiss to her cheek, but zoning out again, once they were in the elevator, to continue his thought spiral from before. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew he needed to be supportive of Zoe, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how Connor was in the hospital, possibly not going to recover, and it was most likely all his fault.

Zoe is very cognizant of Evan’s sudden withdraw, noting the way his eyes glazed over a little and the way his hand was getting a little sweaty, the way his thumb ceased moving in a pattern over her hand and switched to sporadic movements. She knows exactly what he was thinking about, because she had thought the same exact things when this all happened. But she’s had a few days to think it over and attempt to process her emotions, while Evan just found out. 

“Evan, please look at me,” Zoe says, and thankfully Evan does, focusing his attention back on her the moment she starts talking again, “I can see the wheels turning in your head, the voices telling you it’s your fault, but it’s not. It’s nobody’s fault exactly. This was probably a culmination of many things, far beyond us.” 

Evan thinks about what Zoe’s just said as she leads him out of the elevator and down a hallway. And he knows it’s probably true, everything she’s said, but it was incredibly hard to believe that his actions didn’t directly cause Connor to do this, that it was entirely his fault. Evan stops them in the hallway, so he can tell Zoe before they see her parents, “I know that and I think I know that probably more than anyone, but right now it’s hard to separate the fact that Connor overdosed the same day that I’d rejected him a second time and firmly stood by you and our relationship, those things have to be connected.” 

“Ev, even if they are, you didn’t give him those pills, you didn’t tell him to take them. All you did was speak your truth and you can’t do anything beyond that. Yesterday, I spent a long time with one of the grief counselors here, and I think you should talk to them or schedule an appointment with Dr. Sherman,” Zoe tells him, not trying to boss him around or push him into something, but realizing that he might benefit from talking to someone the way that she had, about this topic in particular. 

“Y-yeah, I’ll try Zo, I promise. Because right, um, right now it’s a lot. And nothing really makes sense. Like, I feel like my anxiety is coming down from finding out that you’re okay, and at the same time ramping back up because Connor isn’t. And I felt responsible before and I feel even worse now,” Evan admits to her, because there really wasn’t a point in keeping anything from her, she knew him better than anyone. Before Zoe gets a chance to comfort him, Evan keeps going, “And I know you’re right, like logically I know that, but I kinda feel like I might have an anxiety attack, right here, right now and I’m trying to keep that contained and be there for you, like I shouldn’t be adding to your stress too.” 

“Ev, I’d willingly take on any of your stresses too, you know that. We’re there for each other, a two-way street, remember? And I might seem like I have it all together, but I don’t, I’ve just had more time than you, with nothing to distract me from my feelings, thanks to my parents”, Zoe says, tugging Evan along once more, her voice only slightly hinting at a bit of resentment. 

When they get to Connor’s private room, they find that Cynthia and Larry aren’t there, so Zoe sets the pastries down on a table and Evan follows suit with the drink tray. In the middle of the room is Connor, laying completely still on the hospital bed, all kinds of tubes and monitors attached to him. Somehow, even with everything, he looks better than when Evan last saw him. He still looks skinny and fragile, his hospital gown swallowing his lanky body, but there’s a tinge of pink to his skin now, making the darkness under his eyes looks less prominent. He looks like he’s recovering, and Evan lets himself take that as a good sign. It calms him down, just enough that he no longer feels like he’s about to break down. 

Evan doesn’t know why but it crosses his mind anyways, that another reason he feels calmer is having Zoe near and constantly touching him, that she grounds him in a way that he can’t figure out on his own. They hadn’t not been grasping on to each since he got to the hospital. And it’s weird because something he hated about his and Connor’s relationship was that Connor was always trying to touch him in some way, but with Zoe, it’s weird not to be. And in a way, it makes Evan remember why he made some of his choices, even if they led to this, and he grasps Zoe’s hand just a little tighter and pulls her just a little closer and gives her the smallest smile. 

“My parents are probably talking to a doctor or something. I think Connor had a bunch of tests this morning,” Zoe tells him, watching Evan stare at Connor, but noting that Evan seemed to be doing just the tiniest bit better than when they’d been in the hallway. 

Zoe guides them to a chair that faces Connor, the one she deemed “hers” when Connor got moved to this room, and even though it’s really only meant for one person, they make it work together. Zoe was sitting mostly in Evan’s lap, her heading lying on his chest, and his arms wrapped around her tightly. They don’t talk, even if there was so much more to say. They sit and watch the steady rise and fall of Connor’s chest, listening to the continual, tiny beeps of the monitors, wondering what would happen next. The only thing they knew for sure was whatever happened next, they wouldn't have to face it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many people guessed this was what the cliffhanger was??? I thought Evan and Zoe reuniting was super cute because they missed each other so much. The next chapter is going to dive a lot deeper into how Evan and Zoe are feeling about Connor's attempt, because Zoe may seem like she has it all together, but she doesn't. And Evan never has anything together let's be honest. And will Connor end up being okay? Stay tuned!!!!!


	15. I Could Give In To All Of The Gloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! This chapter was both easy and hard to write. I tried to mix together all the complicated feelings Evan and Zoe are having about Connor. They feel guilty, they feel relieved to be back together, Zoe's confused and trying to hold everything together for her parents, both of them are still just teenagers and falling more in love and overall I think this chapter has a lot of emotions. I hope I did it justice. Please let me know if you feel like it. 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, or subscribing. It means a lot to me and I hope this story is something small to look forward to, in times where everything seems bleak and terrible.

Of all the things Cynthia and Larry Murphy expected to find when they returned to their son’s hospital room, their daughter sitting in Evan Hansen’s lap insisting that he take a bite of the blueberry muffin she was holding up to his face, was not one of them. 

When Zoe and Evan look up and see that Zoe’s parents have returned, Evan immediately notices their shocked faces, especially Larry’s. Zoe, however, doesn’t seem bothered by their expressions at all and simply tells them, “I got you guys coffee and some breakfast, the line was really long”, before turning back towards Evan and continuing to pick at the muffin in her hand.

Cynthia and Larry make no movements towards the items Zoe’s mentioned and give each other looks that seem to say, “how did Evan get here”, which Evan totally picks up on. Evan can’t help but continually look back and forth between them and the position he was currently in, with Zoe pressed up against him, one of her arms slung around his neck, his arms encircling her waist, until Larry breaks the awkward silence with, “Um, Evan we didn’t expect to see you here, um, with Zoe.” 

Evan can feel his face burning up, and he’s pretty sure he’s never been this embarrassed before in his entire life and he’s at a complete loss of what to say. He knew that Cynthia knew about him and Zoe, so he just kinda assumed Larry did too, but apparently communication was not strong between them, because it was very clear that Larry did not know they were dating. Evan in an attempt to say something, just opens his mouth, and closes it when he can’t find the words. 

Finally Zoe seems to notice that Evan was not okay, either by the blush that had overtaken his face or by the feel of the slight shake in his hand on her hip, and she sighs dramatically before addressing her dad, “Ugh Dad, you’re embarrassing us. I told you guys earlier that Evan needed to be here, and now he is, so that’s that.” 

All Evan can seem to do is nod, until he feels Zoe interlace their hands together, her muffin abandoned on the table beside them. Evan squeezes her hand the tiniest bit, to thank her for stepping in for him, and she places the smallest quickest kiss to his jaw, which does nothing to help with his blush, but still somehow makes him feel better. 

Larry, like Evan, is really only nodding and looking like he was trying to put together a puzzle in his head, and Evan supposes that’s fair, a lot had changed since he really last saw Larry. Evan uses the small recovery period from his embarrassment to look over to Cynthia, who had moved to the edge of Connor’s bed and was facing Evan and Zoe. Evan knows where both Zoe and Connor got their chin wobble from, because Cynthia was doing it right in front of him, barely holding it together. 

Zoe notices her mom’s slight shaking and gets up off of Evan to gently sit next to her and attempt to comfort her. Evan selfishly misses Zoe’s weight and the warmth and comfort that she was giving him but tries to shake away the feeling as Larry pulls up a chair next to them, completing the tiny circle. Evan finds it unnerving that Connor was behind them, beeping and unmoving, tangential to the family circle, but he does his best to ignore it, he couldn’t change that right now. 

“Evan, I can’t say we expected you here, but since you are, could you tell us, was anything going on with Connor, besides the obvious things? You guys weren’t together anymore, but you were still friends, right?”, Cynthia asks sadly, looking at Evan like he held the truth to all that might be wrong with Connor.

“Um, we, uh, t-talked a couple times,” Evan responds vaguely, unsure how to respond to Cynthia. How could he possibly tell Connor’s mom that they’d gotten into an argument of sorts at lunch, and that same day, Connor had overdosed? How could he tell the woman who was finally trying to repair her relationship with her son, before everything went south, that her son’s suicide attempt was probably all his fault? 

“Well, that was probably a good thing, right? He wasn’t really talking to any of us or his therapist, so it was good that he talked to you. Did he say anything suspicious or odd to you? Do you remember Evan? Anything that you can remember would be a lot of help to us,” Cynthia says, reaching out to place a hand on Evan’s knee, in what she probably thought was a motherly way, but all Evan felt was the weight of her expectations. 

Evan panic glances over to Zoe, who was still trying to comfort her mother, trying to get an idea of what to tell her. He doesn’t know what exactly Zoe might have told them if she’d told them anything at all, and he doesn’t want to contradict anything she’s said, and he doesn’t really want to tell Mrs. Murphy the truth either. 

“He, um, he l-looked sad. That’s a-all that I r-remember,” Evan says shakily, and he sees Zoe nodding along with him to her mom, patting her back gently, confirming that what Evan said was true. And he gets the impression that Zoe hasn’t really told them anything about what really happened Wednesday, but knowing the Murphy’s, he’d bet they never really gave her a chance to either.

“Well, do you know why he was feeling that way? Did something happen at school? Evan you have to know something, please,” Cynthia asks him again, and he can see the tears starting to fall slowly down her face before she sets her head in her hands. How could he tell her now? 

“I d-don’t know, uh, I don’t kn-know Mrs. Mrs. Murphy,” Evan stammers, looking once more to Zoe, in hopes that she might save him from this interrogation. In a way she does because she glances over to Larry, behind her mom’s curled up frame. 

Larry sensing what Zoe was getting at, moves to take over comforting Cynthia, so Zoe can return to Evan. Evan leans into her as soon as she’s close to him once more, like a moth to the flame. As Larry pats his wife’s back gently, something Evan thinks he’s done many times over the last couple days, he tells, “Cyn, why don’t we just let Evan have some time to think about this. Everything has been a lot for everyone, and Evan clearly just found out. If he thinks of something, he’ll tell us. Right Evan?” 

Evan just barely gets out a “Yes”, before setting his own head on Zoe’s shoulder. He didn’t realize the toll an extra layer of guilt would have on him. He could think of something, and he could tell them right now, but he keeps his mouth shut, and watches as Cynthia’s stops crying, eyes eerily vacant, leaning into her husband the same way him and Zoe were leaning into each other. 

“And besides, we have some good news,” Larry announces, grabbing the attention of both Zoe and Evan once more, “Zo, maybe you noticed that they took out Connor’s breathing tube? The doctor’s said he’s fully capable of breathing on his own now, and that there is going to be almost no damage to his major organs. Heart, brain, lungs, all good. They also said he might be waking up soon, probably today or tomorrow. These are all good things.” 

Evan looks into Zoe’s eyes and he knows she didn’t notice the change and feels bad about it to, based on the way she twiddles with his hand and doesn’t look back up to meet her dad’s eyeline. Evan can’t imagine things with Connor looking any worse than they did right now, but then again, it’s been almost three days since Connor was admitted, Evan definitely didn’t see the worst of it. 

All of them sit there in silence for a bit, and it wasn’t like the settled calming silence Evan and Zoe experienced before her parents came back. This was heavy and awkward, and no one really responded to Larry’s news, letting it hang in the air like a thick fog. 

Zoe, looking up from her lap, intertwines her hand with Evan’s and faces her dad asking, “So if Connor isn’t technically critical anymore, would it be okay if I went home for a bit? Evan can come with me, we’ll come back tonight.” 

Evan had not expected her to ask that at all, let alone right after Larry had said things were looking up for Connor. Shouldn’t they stay? What if Connor woke up? Shouldn’t they be there, showing their support? When he throws her a questioning look, she looks away from him, and Evan tells himself it’s because Cynthia started to answer her, not because she didn’t want to see his reaction. 

“Well, Zoe, love, this is probably the most important time to be here. They think Connor could wake up at any time. We’d like you here to support him when that happens. Connor needs his family right now, more than ever,” Cynthia says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Evan, for the first time since knowing Zoe, agrees with her mom over her. Maybe it was his guilt talking, but he didn’t think leaving Connor was a good idea, he’d really only just got there too. 

To get Zoe’s attention, Evan squeezes her hip softly rather than her hand, instantly getting her to look at him and away from her parents. Evan wishes that her parents weren’t in the room, so they could just talk, but they are, so he quietly asks her, “Zo, may-maybe your mom is r-right. Wh-What if C-Connor wakes u-up and we’re n-not here?” 

“Then he does, and we’ll come straight back,” Zoe responds to both Evan and her parents, before continuing in a strained voice, “I’ve been here since Wednesday night, supporting Connor, sleeping in this horrible chair, and I just want a break. Can’t I just have a few hours at home, in my own bed, take a shower in my own bathroom? Please? If anything happens, we’ll come right back, you can give me my phone back and let me know.” 

The way Zoe’s voice is sharp and not exactly annoyed, but frustrated in a way Evan can’t explain, and it breaks his heart. He hadn’t thought really about what _Zoe_ had been through with all of this. He shudders thinking about how Larry said this Connor, the one who still looked mostly dead, was better than before, and he thinks about Zoe having to deal with that, almost all alone. Not knowing if her brother was going to make it or not. Feeling the guilt Evan felt now. Knowing that she couldn’t ease the burden with him. Evan knew her parents were trying to remain together, some semblance of a family, but it must have been incredibly hard on Zoe. He knew her parents had probably been focused on their kid in the hospital, not on their kid who was still able to stand beside them, even if she was feeling tremendous pain too. And then Evan finally gets it, her need to escape, if only for a few hours.

He kisses her cheek and squeezes her hip again at the same time, letting her know without verbally telling her, that he understood, and he’d support her with this decision. Zoe gives him a small smile and turns her focus back towards her parents to give one more desperate plea of “please”. 

Evan watches the Murphy’s stare at each other and it’s almost like they’re seeing Zoe for the first time. Seeing not their joyous, “happy-to-help” daughter, but a 17-year-old girl who was tired and overwhelmed and just needed a break from all the pressure. Zoe couldn’t be the glue that held their family together, she was a piece the same way Connor was, and she needed to be looked after too. 

“Okay,” Cynthia finally relents, digging Zoe’s phone out of her purse and handing it to her, “But I want you guys back tonight. Evan if your mom says it’s okay, you can stay here with us if you want to. I’m sure it would mean a lot to Connor to have a close friend here when he wakes up.” 

Zoe nods her head, not solemnly, but not happily, more of a relieved neutral, and gets off of Evan to grab her bag and the few belongings she had with her. Evan gets up after her, grabbing her hand when she had everything and together, they leave Connor’s hospital room. They look back only once to wave goodbye to her parents from the hallway, but Cynthia and Larry don’t see because they’ve started crying once more on Connor’s bed, weeping over the metaphorical loss of their daughter. 

==

Evan was fidgety as he drove Zoe to her house, he felt like he had so much to apologize for, primarily disagreeing with her wanting to leave at first. Evan shakily takes his hand off the wheel and reaches to turn down the volume of the music playing, instantly getting Zoe’s attention from staring out the window. 

“Hey Zo,” Evan starts, glancing over at her , even though he knew he shouldn’t take his eyes off the road. He wanted desperately to hold her hand or something, a way to feel connected to her as he apologizes, “I’m sorry I said that we should’ve stayed when you asked your parents for a break. I was, uh, was being selfish and seeing Connor, there right in front of me, was making me feel better, like actual evidence that he was recovering. I hadn’t really considered all you’d been through the last couple days. And it felt like when you really needed me to be on your side, I wasn’t, so I’m sorry.” 

“Evan, thank you, and I get it, I really do,” Zoe says softly, placing her hand on his shoulder, feeling him relax under her touch, before continuing, “I’m sorry I was short with you and my parents, but being at the hospital felt suffocating, and I saw an opportunity to get out, and I went for it. You said seeing Connor there and breathing made you feel better, but for me, it was just a constant reminder that he almost wasn’t. Every time I looked over at him, the image of him being wheeled in there Thursday morning, looking more dead than alive would pop-up and I couldn’t get rid of it. A couple minutes longer, and my brother would’ve been dead. And then watching my parents, it made everything worse. And I tried to be there for them, I did, but I just needed a break from it all. The only time I felt even a little okay was when you got there and when I was talking with the grief counselor.”

They had made it to the Murphy’s house and Evan shifted his car into park right next to Zoe’s car, immediately reaching over to pull Zoe into a hug, letting it take the place of saying anything. When they pull away, they both look relieved, the feeling of being able to tell someone anything they were feeling, good or bad or selfish or desperate, it didn’t matter because the other wasn’t going to judge them, only accept them and let them speak their mind. 

They trudge up to the front door together, Evan holding Zoe’s bag as she searched for her keys. When they get inside, Evan feels weird, he’d already been here once today, but it felt like an eternity ago. And the Murphy house usually made him feel uncomfortable, with the exception of Zoe and Connor’s rooms, which felt exactly like the people who resided in them, but right now it felt unusually sterile and unwelcoming, like somehow the house was telling him he shouldn’t be there. Evan shakes off the weird feeling, and turns to Zoe offering, “Zo if you want to like shower or something, I could make some tea or hot chocolate or anything you want really.”

“Tea would be great Ev,” Zoe says, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek, “I am going to go shower, I just feel dirty. Meet in my room after?”

Evan nods at her, tugging her close for one last hug and places a loving kiss to her forehead, telling her, “I love you Zoe.” 

“I love you too, Ev,” Zoe replies back to him, giving him a final squeeze before she headed upstairs. 

Evan makes his way easily into the kitchen, even though he’s only been there once, but panics when he realizes he doesn’t know where anything would be to make tea for Zoe. The Murphy’s had one of those fancy kitchens that Evan had seen on TV, which was very pretty, but not very practical in Evan’s opinion. As much as he didn’t want to, he starts opening up all the cupboards to look for a tea kettle, some mugs, and the actual tea. He finds the kettle in a cupboard furthest away from the stove, mugs in the cupboard right next to the sink, and when he can’t find any tea or food for that matter, in any of the cupboards, he realizes they must have a full-on room for a pantry. Sometimes he forgot how wealthy the Murphy family actually was. Eventually he gets everything put together and is seeping the tea when he hears the upstairs water shutoff. He decides it’s good enough and carefully grabs the two mugs and walks up the stairs with them, impressing himself by managing to not spill anything.

When he gets to Zoe’s door, it’s not quite closed and he doesn’t want to barge in on her so he calls out, “Zoe, can I come in?” 

He hears her call a “yeah” back to him and he nudges the door open with his shoulder and it takes everything in him to not drop the mugs to the ground immediately. Zoe was mostly dressed, but not all the way. She was facing away from him, so Evan could see her pale back smattered with light freckles, and she was hooking a pale pink bra. Evan didn’t need to see himself to know that he was blushing furiously, but he couldn’t get himself to look away. Zoe had invited him in, hadn’t she? He feels tingly all over, and he might be a little bit embarrassed that he was staring, but he also felt good? He wasn’t exactly sure how to describe it. 

He watches Zoe pull a tee shirt on, covering up the skin that Evan had been gaping at, and turns around to face him. She takes in his slightly flustered expression and red-tinged cheeks and only smiles coyly at him, coming closer to grab one of the mugs from his hands, moving to sit on her bed, tilting her head as if to say, “aren’t you going to join me?”. 

Evan quickly gets with the picture and joins her on the bed, setting his own teacup on her bedside table, replacing it with a comb after finally noticing the wet tangled mess that was Zoe’s hair. He scoots so that he’s behind her, pulling her between his legs, being careful not to jostle her too much, so she didn’t spill tea all over herself. He pushes down the tingly sensation that was very much still present within him, heightened by their position on the bed, and instead focuses his energy on slowly and gently combing through Zoe’s hair. 

Zoe feels the tension she’d been building up over the last couple of days slowly melt away, relishing in Evan taking care of her. She might’ve been teasing him just a little by letting him come in before she was completely dressed, but she knew their relationship was heading in that direction anyways and Evan didn’t seem to mind too much, and he would’ve told her if it did. Right now, amidst the all the chaos, was definitely not the time for _that_ talk, but Zoe would be lying if she said she wasn’t looking forward to it when it inevitably came up. 

Evan makes quick work of her hair, combing all the tangles free and braiding it back in a simple three-stranded braid, a rather easy task considering her hair was damp and straight instead of its normal wavy, stealing a hair tie off of Zoe’s wrist to tie the bottom off. 

“Evan, where’d you learn how to braid?”, Zoe asks, setting her now finished tea on the table, then shifting her and Evan into a better position to cuddle, laying her head on his chest comfortably, absentmindedly drawing her hand up and down his arm. If Evan minded her wet hair, he doesn’t comment on it, and instead snuggles in closer to her. 

“I think my mom taught me when I was little,” Evan tells her softly, trying to savor the moment of peace before the two of them had to talk about everything without the prying eyes of Zoe’s parents or the random people who crowded hallways of the hospital. 

Zoe softs nods a “hmmm” before taking a deep breath that Evan can feel against his chest, and telling him, “I missed you so much Evan. The fact that my parents wouldn’t let me talk to you was driving me insane. I felt lost and completely alone. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever have to feel like that again.”

Evan knows precisely how Zoe feels, because he felt the exact same way, not knowing where she was or if she was okay. He briefly wonders if there’s such a thing as loving someone too much, that too much love might be just as unhealthy as not enough love, but he quickly shakes the thought away, it was probably just his anxiety trying to ruin things. There couldn’t be anything wrong with loving Zoe in any form. 

“I know Zo, I know. I was convincing myself that you were dead for two days. I couldn’t figure out where you were, you weren’t responding on your phone. I would’ve lost it completely if any of things I’d imagined even came close to be true. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Evan says, moving her head up just enough so that she was comfortable, but so he could still see her face. 

“Do you ever feel like we’re meant to be together, like somehow our energies are linked and that’s why we have such a strong relationship?”, Zoe questions him, and based on her tone, he can tell it’s something she’s thought a lot about. 

“Um not exactly in the way you’re describing, but yeah, I do think there’s something that makes our relationship special. I was telling my mom a while back about how much I loved you, and for a minute I thought she was going to shrug it off like most adults would, but she told me just because we’re young doesn’t mean it isn’t real. And I think we are real Zoe. I think about all the things I want to do and experience with you and only you. You make me feel like nothing’s impossible because you say that it’s possible. I don’t think anyone will ever make me feel the way that you do,” Evan tells her, slow and deliberate, letting her know that every word was the absolute truth. 

“So you won’t hate me if I tell you something?” Zoe asks him timidly, stopping her ministrations to wrap her arms around his neck. Zoe feels Evan start rubbing her back gently and she knows his answer before he even says it. 

“Zoe there’s nothing you could ever do or say to make me hate you,” Evan tells her, kissing her forehead again to emphasize his point. 

“I haven’t even cried over everything that’s happened. Like there’s so many things that Connor has done to me, to us, that have made me cry, but I can’t seem to cry for him, and that scares me. What if it’s because some small portion of me was relieved at the thought of what could have happened. How messed up is that? You heard me say I wish everything with Connor was done and over with, what if that was me putting some fucked cosmic energy out into the world?”, Zoe asks, her body trembling and her eyes clearly showing that she thought everything that had happened was her fault.

“Zoe, no, no, no, this is not your fault. Remember what you told me? How I couldn’t blame myself? You can’t do that either. And I’ll tell you as many times as you need. And it’s okay if haven’t cried yet, or if you never cry. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about Connor, or this hasn’t been hard for you. Connor has done some terrible things to you, so that fact that you even care at all, shows how compassionate you are. But I will probably understand better than anyone, because the same guilt you’re pushing on yourself, I’m convincing myself of it too,” Evan says sadly. He didn’t want Zoe to think anything that had transpired had been in any way her fault, because clearly it was his. He may not have given Connor what he took or told him to take them, like Zoe pointed out, but that didn’t mean he didn’t indirectly cause what had happened. 

“Evan, please don’t, he made it so hard to want to try, but I do think we did try to help him” Zoe says pitifully, knowing that right now at least, there probably wasn’t anything either of them could say that would convince the other that it wasn’t their fault. Zoe feels Evan squirm around, adjusting their position once more, and somehow they’re closer than before and Zoe thinks she might really enjoy it if they weren’t talking about her brother and whose fault it was that he tried to kill himself. 

“Zoe, um, when your mom was asking me all those questions, I guess well, um, do you think I should tell her and your dad what actually happened at lunch?”, Evan asks quietly, fiddling with the tip of her braid even though her hair was still damp. 

“I don’t know, honestly. They never asked me any of those questions. And I don’t know why my mom thought you guys were still friends. I never said that when we talked a while back. Also, I’m sorry about my dad. I thought she would’ve told him, but I guess not,” Zoe tells him, placing her hand on his hip, tracing little stars on the sliver of exposed skin from his shirt riding up. 

“Maybe I will, but I don’t think right now. I think it’ll just make her more upset and I don’t think she needs that. And I mean, I guess we don’t even know everything. What if Connor wakes and it’s like you said, this could’ve been something way beyond us. Maybe we’re being selfish in thinking that this has anything to do with us at all,” Evan tells her, his voice exposing that he didn’t quite believe in the words he was saying. 

“Yeah maybe Ev,” Zoe says softly, and Evan can tell she doesn’t believe him either. He can also tell how tired she was, both physically and emotionally, and he thinks at least physically, he could help with that. He doesn’t respond to her, but instead leans forward and grabs the throw blanket from the foot of her bed, and gently drapes it across both of them. He tucks Zoe into him and starts placing gentle kisses all over her face. Even if they couldn’t believe in anything else right now, he without a doubt wanted her to believe in the fact that he loved her more than anything. 

He feels something warm seep into his shirt, and he knows it’s not Zoe’s hair. Hot, silent tears of his own soon catch up to Zoe’s and Evan just lets it happen. 

==

Evan wakes up from their nap first and checks his phone seeing that it was a little past five and he and Zoe had been sleeping for quite some time. Good. They both needed it. Zoe was still sleeping, legs tangled up with Evan’s, with one of her arms wrapped tightly around him, it makes him smile. She looked more at peace when she slept, and Evan never wanted to wake her from that. By the time he’s texted his mom that he’d drop the car back off to her soon, Zoe is waking up, blinking slowly, and looking up at him. 

“Hi Ev,” Zoe says in the sleepy voice Evan loves so much, reaching up to push away the few strands of hair that had escaped her braid. 

Evan leans down to playfully kiss her nose, causing her to giggle as he says, “Hi Zoe, do you feel a little better?” 

“Yeah actually,” Zoe starts off, sitting up slowly and pulling Evan up with her, “I feel a lot like, I don’t know, refreshed, I guess. My head feels clearer and I mean all those negative emotions are still there, but I feel better.” 

“Same. Like I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I don’t still feel guilty, but somehow it doesn’t feel so crushing? I think we had a cathartic nap,” Evan tells her, smiling as they stretch out together, neither of them seeing the way the other looked at the exposed skin of their bellies. 

“Hey Zo, do you mind driving back to the hospital? I have to give the car back to my mom before her shift starts and I thought we could go together from there. Also, I think my mom would like to see with her own eyes, I was a bit of a wreck this morning,” Evan says, blushing even though Zoe already knew he was a bit of a mess when he didn’t know where she was. 

“Yeah, that’s fine, we’ll probably pick up some dinner on the way back too. I think my parents are pretty tired of hospital food at this point. Let me grab some things then we’ll go,” Zoe tells him, getting off the bed and walking over to her closet to grab a bag. 

“Want me to grab anything?”, Evan asks her, hopping off the bed as well, wanting to help. 

“No, you’re good Ev, just grabbing my computer. But do you think it’d be dumb to bring my ukulele?”, Zoe asks, shifting back and forth on her toes, a nervous habit she probably picked up from Evan. 

“No, I think it’d be nice if you played something. I think I read something that music is like really good for healing, and I think it might cheer your parents up a little too,” Evan tells her, stepping in to put his arm around her. 

“Okay,” Zoe replies sweetly, reaching up to kiss his cheek, before going and grabbing the instrument from her shelf, and coming back to lace her hand with Evan’s. They walked silently down the stairs and out of the house, pausing so Zoe could lock up, before coming to a full stop in front of their cars. 

“Is it bad that I don’t want to be apart from you, even for the drive to my house?”, Evan says, looking down at Zoe, squeezing her hand gently. 

“No, because I don’t want to either, but there’s not really another way,” Zoe sighs swinging their conjoined hands lightly, not making to move to head to the driver’s side of her own car. 

“Well, I’ll miss you anyways,” Evan tells her, using the light momentum of their hands to pull her in closer before leaning down to kiss her. Evan wants to let it intensify, but before he can, Zoe pulls away giggly, and Evan’s okay with it because she was smiling and after all they’d been through, he would do anything to keep her smiling. 

Zoe pecks him one more time, taking Evan a little by surprise, and before he knows it, she’s in her car waving at him and he’s standing awkwardly in driveway. He scrambles into his own car and plugs in his phone, playing a playlist that Zoe had curated for him, an attempt to fill the void left by her absence.

After what felt like the longest ten minutes of Evan’s life, he’s finally pulling into his driveway, parking next to Zoe, who had beat him there. As soon as they’re out of their cars, they are back to being side by side, hands intertwined and arms completely touching.

When they get inside Evan’s house, Heidi was right there to greet them, pulling Zoe into a tight hug, which throws Evan off balance as Zoe never dropped his hand. Heidi pets Zoe’s hair, and only pulls away once she feels Zoe do so, wondering if her own parents had hugged her that way in a while. 

“Zoe, I’m so glad you’re okay! We were so worried about you this morning. Evan practically ran out the door as soon as he knew where you were,” Heidi says, leaving her hand cupping Zoe’s face, smiling comfortingly at her, “And I’m so sorry to hear about Connor, you’re being so brave Zoe.”

Heidi doesn’t seem to notice the way Zoe tenses at her last comment, but Evan sure does, and he makes a note to himself to ask her about it later. 

“I wish I could stay and talk to you guys a little longer. Zoe you’ll have to come for dinner sometime this week when I have a day off. Oh, I also made some cookies for you guys to bring back to hospital, they’re in the kitchen. Let me know if anything happens,” Heidi says as she takes the car keys from Evan, pausing once to give both of them a kiss on the forehead, before heading out to leave for work.

“Zo, are you okay? I saw you tense up after my mom said something,” Evan asks, pulling Zoe in to look at her directly. 

“It’s stupid, but your mom saying those things, it made me think of all the “I’m sorry for you’s” and “You’re being so brave through all of this” I’m going to get from people when they eventually find out. And I know your mom genuinely meant those things, but not everyone’s going to, and if they’re not being fake, they’re going to be mean, but I don’t know, it’s just going to be hard when I have to go to school and stuff,” Zoe tells him, taking a step closer to him, to lay her head on his chest. Evan instinctively wraps his free arm around her.

“Well, I’ll be at school, and if anyone is mean, one, I think you can take them, two, I’ll make Jared yell at them and scare them off. How does that sound?”, Evan says playfully, kissing the tip of her nose for good measure. 

“I would enjoy Jared yelling at people, he'd get all flustered,” Zoe laughs feeling better already. If people were shitty to her at school, she’d deal with it, the same way she dealt with them harassing Evan. But whatever happened was going to happen and she knew at least Evan would always be in her corner. 

==

Evan and Zoe walk back into Connor’s room hand-in-hand, bringing the dinner that Larry had pre-ordered for them, to find not much had happened since they left that morning. Connor was still unmoving, the machines signaling that he was okay, and Larry and Cynthia were huddled close together, looking a little worse for wear. 

They seemed to cheer up at the arrival of both Zoe and Evan, especially since they looked and felt better than this morning. Zoe and Evan resume their positioning on Zoe’s chair, ignoring the skeptical over fatherly looks from Larry and try to eat some dinner. Evan was proud of himself and Zoe for eating something since he knew he hadn’t eaten properly in a while, and he assumed Zoe hadn’t either. Evan even notices that Cynthia manages to take a couple bites of her dinner as well. 

All four of them actually talk and Evan tries his best to contribute to the conversation without saying anything too weird. They talk about college again and how Evan was now planning on staying closer or going to the junior college in town, at least until Zoe graduated next year (Evan chose not to acknowledge the shocked look on their faces when he said that, he knew what he wanted and he’d already talked about it with his own mom). They talk about Zoe playing at Capitol Café on a weekly basis and some of the new songs she wrote. She even plays a couple snippets of some new stuff and some covers, and Evan was right it did make her parents smile, even if it was just temporary, and he just knew Zoe felt better whenever she got to be around music. And it’s comforting and normal and just plain strange. 

Evan feels more at ease than he ever has with the entire Murphy family. A complete 180 from the dinner he had so many months ago or the strained after school conversations he used to have with Cynthia and Connor. And Evan loves his mom so, so much, but there was always a part of him that wished for this exact thing (well maybe not the hospital setting) but the idea of a complete family unit. And he knew the Murphy’s weren’t like this all the time, and the fact that he’s enjoying himself is only adding to the guilt he feels.

Because once again, Connor is peripheral to this family, but also the only reason it was happening. Evan didn’t think it was fair that the four people that made Connor feel like he did, even if they were trying to help, were bonding and healing without him. And yeah, Connor couldn’t really say if he was okay with it or not, but Evan felt like he wouldn’t like it. But maybe that was one of the problems, Connor never liked or wanted the help everyone tried to give him. Evan, however, doesn’t bring it up.

Underneath everything that was swirling around in his head, he knew this family needed this time to unite and start to build back up, even just a little bit, because when Connor awoke, Evan knew it wasn’t going to be like this. Everything was going to become a battle, a three-against-one Murphy family clash. Evan really hoped it wouldn’t, that once Connor woke up, everyone could work together to be in a place he so desperately wanted them to be in. But Evan’s gotten used to a lot of disappoint in his life, so he says nothing and tries to be present in the now, support his girlfriend, her family, and by doing so maybe he was supporting the one person he felt like he personally hurt the most.

A couple hours later, no one seems able to rest, so Larry turns on the TV monitor in front of Connor’s bed, switching it over to a movie, giving everyone something to focus on, now that the talking had died down. It turns out to be a pretty good idea, because Evan and Zoe are engrossed in the movie, chatting quietly to each other about the plot points during commercial breaks, Cynthia and Larry watching over them, letting their minds drift just a little. 

It happens so slowly that almost no one seems to notice, until they absolutely do, as with most things involving Connor Murphy. The monitors tracking his heart rate gradually begin to increase, his hands start to twitch, and his eyes start to flutter, sure signs that he’d be waking up soon. 

It’s Cynthia who notices first, acting immediately and racing to Connor’s side to squeeze his hand. Cynthia’s sudden movements cause alarm to Larry, Zoe, and Evan, who finally notice the change in Connor and circle around his bed, Evan and Zoe slightly off to the side and behind Larry. 

When Connor’s eyes finally flicker open, he’s dazed and really can only focus on his mom who was right in front of him. 

“Mom?” Connor says, voice raspy and quiet, barely heard above the monitors. 

“Connor, sweetie, I’m here. Mom’s here and you’re going to be okay. We’re all here for you,” Cynthia says, clearly trying to keep from crying tears of joy that her son was awake and somewhat coherent. 

“Wa-water?”, Connor questions, leading Cynthia to quickly grab the cup of water on the side table, putting in a fresh straw and holding it to Connor’s lips. Evan didn’t think the water cup was super fresh, but he didn’t say anything, staying tucked behind Larry, holding on to Zoe’s hand for dear life. He knew she was stressed too, by the way she was gripping back just as tight, saying nothing. 

“Connor, we all love you so much. We’re so happy you’re awake. It’s going to get better, we promise, we’re all here for you,” Cynthia tells Connor, using her free hand to brush back his bangs. 

“Who’s we?”, Connor says, not looking from his mom, but attempting to sit up just a little. Cynthia gently pushes him back down saying, “You need to keep resting, but your dad, your sister, and Evan, we’re all here to support you.” 

The words seem to process slowly, and it takes a few seconds for Connor to look away from his mom and to his other side, registering his dad, lightly holding his other hand. When his eyes shift to Evan and Zoe, the beeping of his heart rate monitor goes off wildly, signaling that Connor was upset and before Cynthia can ask what’s wrong, Connor’s limply pointing to Evan and Zoe, saying, “Why are they here? I don’t want them here. Please make them leave Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Connor's awake and not very happy that Evan and Zoe are there. Connor has just as much to work through as Evan and Zoe and it's all going to unfold in time. Additionally, I think Evan and Zoe's relationship is incredibly intimate on an emotional level and I'm slowly trying to ramp up their physically intimacy as well. Maybe it's misplaced in this chapter, but I also think that the characters don't always need to be thinking about Connor and how to help him, they can think about themselves a little too. And they're 17, it might've been the first time Evan's (kinda) seen Zoe without a shirt, but it definitely wasn't the first time he'd thought about it (and Zoe of Evan). Let me know if you agree or disagree. But next chapter, we'll see more of Connor and start to unpack/rebuild some of his relationships with other characters. Stay tuned!


	16. Look At Her, A Total Trainwreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia and Larry make a decision and Zoe and Evan deal with the fall out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!!!
> 
> Just a forewarning this chapter is kind of all over the place emotion wise, kind of like the characters. And I also wanted to say, while although Cynthia and Larry are trying, they don't always make the right call or know what to do. I think that was evident in the musical and I tried to reflect that here. They're not perfect, definitely not like the way I write Heidi Hansen, so bear with me. I also thought in the musical Zoe was pretty angry and hurt, not only by Connor but by the way her parents handled it, so I thought her reaction was fitting. 
> 
> Also, this was the first time I tried to write something even remotely sexy, so for the love of god, please let me know if it was god awful or if it was okay. I also feel like the scene kind of springs from nothing, but in some ways I think that's realistic, especially for teenagers, like one moment you're just sitting there and the next you're making out. Plus I think it's a good distraction for them :) 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone who is reading this story. I can't believe it is where it is and it's surpassed all my expectations when I set out to write it. Please continue to read, leave a comment, subscribe, or leave a kudos! Happy Reading!

Tense doesn’t even begin to describe the atmosphere of the room, but it’s the only word Evan can think of. No one has said anything in a few minutes, letting Connor’s demand hang in the air around them, everyone somehow frozen in place. Evan doesn’t know what to do, does he immediately leave? Insist on staying with Zoe? Would Cynthia and Larry really make them leave? It seems like they’re considering it by the way both of them are covertly glancing between Connor and Evan and Zoe, trying to figure out where everything went wrong. Evan tries to squeeze Zoe’s hand, but she doesn’t squeeze back, her attention completely focused on her mom. Evan doesn’t mind though, right now seemed like a critical moment; whatever the Murphy’s decided to do was going to take a toll on all of them. Evan takes a peek at Connor and sees him glaring, eyes cold and indignant, and any trace of drug-induced haze or mania gone, replaced only with anger. Evan looks away as fast as he can. 

Evan’s taken aback when the first person speaks, and it’s Cynthia, talking to her husband, “Larry why don’t you fill Connor in, about what the doctor’s have been saying, now that he’s up. Be gentle. Evan, Zoe, why don’t you join me outside the hall, yeah?” 

Evan sees Zoe look long and hard at her mother, before turning abruptly and grabbing her bag, and dragging Evan along into the hallway. Evan couldn’t quite tell how she was feeling, but he guessed by her rigid posture and the way she was gripping his hand, clinging to it like a lifeline, that it was a mixture of angry and devastated. And he figured by Zoe grabbing her bag, there was a good chance they weren’t going back in that room anytime soon, that her parents had picked a side and Zoe knew it.

The hallway is met again by an awkward silence, heightened by Cynthia’s continued worried glances back and forth between Zoe and Evan. Zoe clearly wasn’t going to say anything, her face stoic, withholding any trace of emotion from her mother. Evan had never seen her like this, and he didn’t think it was good. Evan desperately needs to say something, to end this standoff, or whatever was happening at the moment. He wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he thinks now might be the time to tell Cynthia what happened at school, let her know why Connor might have been so mad at them. 

“Um, Mrs. Mrs. Murphy, you said to t-tell you if there was s-something going on,” Evan pauses and looks to Zoe, seeking her approval before continuing. Zoe gives him the slightest of nods, so small, Cynthia probably didn’t even notice, and Evan goes on, “Um, at school on W-Wednesday, I, uh, I tried talking to Connor. We hadn’t, um, hadn’t t-talked since he found out about me and Z-Zoe. We w-weren’t in a g-good place, and I didn’t want to c-correct you this morning. But um, our t-talk didn’t go well? He uh, tried to k-kiss me, and I p-pushed him away. He w-was really sad. He kept t-talking about, about all the th-things he’d do if w-we got back together. I told h-him I wasn’t going t-to break things off w-with Zoe and t-then he st-started crying and ran off. That’s d-definitely the reason he was so upset th-that day and d-doesn’t want to see us. And h-he was definitely t-taking something.” 

Now it’s Evan turn to glance between Zoe and her mom, looking for subtle changes in their expressions, because neither of them was saying anything, leaving Evan feeling panicked and unsure if he should have said anything at all. Did he just make everything worse? 

“I’m s-sorry I didn’t, um, didn’t tell you th-this morning, everything was r-really overwhelming, and I, uh, I didn’t know h-how to tell you, that we weren’t, uh, aren’t friends anymore,” Evan says, looking to Cynthia, spotting the tears welling in her eyes, and Evan can feel his hands start to shake, alleviated by the sudden feeling of Zoe’s thumb softly moving back and forth against his hand. She may not be doing anything else, but she wasn’t going to let Evan sink into his anxiety, they are and always will be in this whole debacle together. 

Letting her tears fall, Cynthia tries to pull each of them in for a hug, rather unsuccessfully because Evan and Zoe refused to drop hands, and Zoe flinches away before Cynthia can really reach her. Evan wonders if Cynthia was looking to comfort them, or was trying to comfort herself through them, either way, they’re back to the awkward silence from before, the only new addition is the sound of Cynthia sniffling, trying to control her tears. 

In takes some time for Cynthia to pull herself together, but when she does, she looks to Zoe, who hasn’t spoken or changed from her reserved expression, like she was waiting for Cynthia’s intentions to reveal themselves. 

“Zoe, honey, I think it would be best if you and Evan left for the night. It’s late and I don’t think you should stay, considering everything that’s happened. Your dad or I can come home tomorrow, and,” Cynthia says, and Evan feels Zoe’s tiny ministrations stop, replaced with a firm pressure, almost constrictive, he looks over to her and sees her roll her eyes at her mother. He knows Zoe was hoping for a different outcome, one where at least one of her parents chose to comfort her instead of Connor, but that didn’t seem likely at this point. 

“And, we’ll check on you, and let you know how Connor’s feeling. How does that sound love?”, Cynthia asks, taking a step towards her daughter, to which Zoe responds by taking a step away from her. Evan watches as Zoe’s face turns from annoyance to distain to positively irate. Evan gets the feeling that what’s about to happen isn’t just from this one incident, but from so much more. He seen her angry, disgusted, at her lowest of lows, but he’s never seen her like this. 

“What happened to being a supportive family? Does that actually extend to me, or just when Connor needs it? Every time Connor asks for it, I’m cast aside, second fiddle always. And I know he’s struggling, but I am too, and you and Dad just don’t care. I begged you for days to let me go home, to let me call Evan, and now that I’m here, of my own volition, I have to leave because Connor says so. I should’ve expected it. Nothing has changed,” Zoe yells at her mom, looking right at her, not caring about the hospital staff who had started staring at them. They definitely weren’t cooing like the people who were watching Evan and Zoe this morning, their faces were shocked and silent, trying to look away, but unable to. 

“Zoe Catherine, Jesus Christ what has gotten into you. Connor tried to kill himself. He just woke up from being heavily medicated and having his stomach pumped. This is more than petty arguments from the past. He needs me…” Cynthia exclaims, face red, decidedly more worked up than she needed to be. The remainder of her sentence is left unsaid, but Zoe knows what she was going to say, _“He needs me more than you”_. She’d never said it aloud before, but it was something Zoe always knew.

Zoe is appalled, she kind of always felt like her parents thought it, but the topic had never come this close to being said directly to her face, so she screams back, “I thought we were actually getting somewhere the last couple hours, hell, the last couple weeks even. You made me feel like we were actually going to be a family. That you might actually try to parent Connor, but I should’ve known it was all wishful thinking. I’m surprised you’re even out here talking to me and not inside, holding Connor’s hand, telling him everything’s going to be okay.”

“Zoe, that isn’t true. We are a family, and your dad and I are trying, but it’s hard to balance the both of you,” Cynthia says, her voice back to a more normal volume and tone. Evan thought it was maybe to deescalate the situation, but looking around, he thinks it’s because Cynthia now noticed that there were people watching their argument. 

“Well, maybe if you tried harder when I told you the first time, way before Evan. I told you there was something wrong and instead of doing something, you brushed it off as teenage angst. You let him walk all over everyone. You let him threaten to kill me Mom, and then did nothing. How do you think that made me feel?”, Zoe says, pleading with her mother to maybe finally see that it wasn’t just Connor who needed parenting. Evan knows it’s not his place to say anything and the only thing he can do is squeeze Zoe’s hand, let her know that he was there. She had told him that Connor used to threaten her, but he never knew it went that far. The fact that she was even trying with Connor was incredible in Evan’s opinion. She was resilient that’s for sure, but he was starting to wonder how much more she could take from her own family. When he thought a battle was coming, he’d imagined Zoe and her parents as a united front against Connor, not the other way around.

Before Cynthia gets another chance to say anything, Zoe’s back at her, not yelling, but firmly telling her, “Don’t you even dare to think that I’ll be back here, and don’t bother sending Dad tomorrow, either. Let me know if you decide to be real parents, until then, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, just like you think I always am. Don’t let Connor touch my stuff, I wouldn’t put it past him to destroy it, like everything.” 

With that, Zoe turns and starts to pull Evan along with her, and they don’t turn back to wave, not this time. Evan sees the look on her face, silently seething and he lets her inner turmoil rage. He was positive everything they’d discussed this afternoon was there, underneath all her anger, but now he knew it ran even deeper than just the last couple of weeks. Zoe blamed herself for every time her parents tried and failed with Connor, for every time she had tried and failed too. And her anger about her parent’s decisions was justified in Evan’s opinion, but was merely reactionary to all the hurt she felt. 

What Evan absolutely does not mention to her on their wordless walk, is how much the way she yelled at her at mom reminded him of Connor, but it didn’t match up completely. Not once was he ever afraid of Zoe or what she might do, she was definitely in control, much more than Connor was, but the raw pain and volatile words were very much apparent in both of them. Evan knew based on what Zoe had told him and the bits and pieces he’d gotten from Connor that the Murphys were not the perfect nuclear family that they appeared to be. He knew the tension was high, way before he started dating Connor. The yelling. The fighting. The placating. Connor being the center of it all. Everything done just to keep a semblance of put-together-ness to the outside world. 

Then Evan and Connor had started dating, and things had calmed down, Zoe had told him so. Evan and his presence had been a band-aid. A temporary relief, calming Connor for a month or two, before Evan ripped himself off, taking just enough skin to let an unhealed wound open once more. He wanted to fix everything for Zoe, to make her life as filled with love as possible. Zoe was truly incredible, and he wanted every single person in her life to treat her that way.

He also knew better than to tell her to calm down. He hated when people told him that and it wasn’t healthy to keep your emotions in anyways. When her anger calmed on its own, he’d be there, waiting for her to explain more or not. Zoe never pushed him into talking about something he wasn’t ready to discuss, and he’d do the same for her. But it was hard. It was hurting him to see Zoe hurting so much. 

Yeah, he knew Connor was hurting too, maybe even more so, but it didn’t change the fact that Cynthia and by default Larry, clearly chose Connor over Zoe. He wasn’t sure what they could’ve done differently in the moment, but there had to have been an option that didn’t make Zoe feel this bad. Maybe he could’ve told Cynthia how their relationship with Connor was actually terrible and how it directly influenced his attempt, and he would have, if he’d known that he could’ve saved Zoe from the pain right now. He would do anything in his power to keep Zoe from feeling like she was anybody’s second choice ever again. And in the coming days, weeks even, he promises himself that he would do whatever it took to fix this mess that they ended up in.

Evan and Zoe haven’t spoken the entire drive away from the hospital, both lost in thought, so it comes as a surprise to Evan when Zoe pulls into the driveway of _his_ house. He’d assumed they were going to hers and hadn’t payed any attention to the dark streets when they’d been driving. It makes sense though, knowing how Zoe felt right now, being in her house, surrounded by memories of her family, probably wasn’t good for her mental health. It also crosses his mind that when Cynthia said “go home”, Zoe’s automatic response was to go to Evan’s house. It warms him up, the idea that Zoe found his home a safe place. He wonders what it’ll be like when they have their own home, a place that was just for them.

They’re parked and sitting in Zoe’s little bug, once again saying nothing, but Evan interlaces their hands together, letting the action speak for itself. They’d come to use hand holding as a language of their own, for when words failed, or they needed to know the other was there. And Evan knows he’d sit in the car all night simply holding Zoe’s hand if that was what she needed. Was it also a convenient way to avoid his own emotions? Yes. He still felt guilty that his actions had caused this ripple effect, that he’s brought pain to not only Connor, but to the entire Murphy family, but he also felt a little better knowing Connor was awake. Everything that came after that was fixable, given enough time and sincerity, if five years of therapy had taught him anything.

Evan has no idea what time it is, or how long they’d been sitting there, when Zoe turns to him and simply says, “It isn’t fair.” 

Knowing that their period of silence was over, Evan tries his best to pull Zoe closer, wrap her in his arms, and let her continue speaking. “I went to her and she promised me things would be different this time and I believed her. They took Connor to therapy. We were kind of talking again. It was better. And then in one choice, it was like everything crumbled back down. They picked Connor over me. And I know he needs them, but I do too. Is it so much to ask that they care about me too?”, Zoe says sadly, her eyes wide and soft, the anger she had at the hospital gone. 

Evan knows all to well the feeling of parents “not choosing them”. How it crushes you. How it makes you feel like nothing will ever change. Evan’s dad didn’t care about him enough to move across the country and start over with a whole new family. Evan hadn’t spoken to his dad in years, and he’d sort of moved on, but you never completely move past it. Evan doesn’t mention any of this to Zoe, because it wasn’t about him, and him telling her about his dad wouldn’t make her feel better. Telling her it would get better wouldn’t do any good either. Right now wasn’t the time for optimism. Plus, he agreed with everything Zoe said.

“No, it’s not too much to ask. What they did isn’t fair Zo. They shouldn’t have done that to you, and it’s not going to help Connor much either. They shouldn’t prioritize Connor over you, now or ever. You’re important and how you feel matters,” Evan tells her, running his other hand through her hair, leaving light little kisses on her temple and hairline.  
“Thanks Evan,” Zoe says, letting her head fall to his shoulder, taking in the comfort he was offering. 

“Zo, do you maybe want to go inside, we don’t have to sleep or anything, we can do whatever. Cuddling was kinda my first idea, maybe more,” Evan says, whispering the last part to her, then playfully kisses right under her ear, hoping to ease some of her tension. He couldn’t take it all away, but he could show her how much he loved her, in any way that she accepted. 

“I do like your bed better,” Zoe says cheekily, quickly kissing his reddening cheeks, before racing out of the car. Evan follows her a little more clumsily, but catches up to her at the door, letting her in before himself, locking the door once more behind him. 

“Hey Ev,” Zoe says a little more quietly, grabbing his attention once more as they walk to his room, “I know we were teasing about something more just now, but I think for tonight, just being close to you is enough, is that okay?” 

“Zo, of course it’s okay. We go at our own pace. We get to decide, you’re the one who usually tells me that,” Evan says pulling her into a proper hug, snuggling in close. Today had truly been a whirlwind and they’ve had those kinds of days before, but today was in a league of its own. 

“Also, can I borrow some sweats?”, Zoe asks pulling away from their hug a bit to look up at him, giggling just a little. 

Evan replies by kissing her, sweet and light, before stepping away to grab the requested items from his dresser. He steps out of the room to give her privacy and change himself, which he finds kind of funny because he watched her change earlier today, but tonight he didn’t want to push any limits or cross any boundaries for either of them. 

When they rejoin, Zoe seems better, but not at all tired, and honestly neither is he. They decide on cuddling up on the couch, since Evan didn’t have a TV in his room and his laptop didn’t seem sufficient. They end up watching and commenting on dumb late-night TV until they eventually fall asleep, letting the events of today, as overwhelming as they were, pass into yesterday. 

== 

When Evan wakes up, he realizes he isn’t on the couch anymore, but in his own bed. He vaguely remembers his mom coming home last night, waking both him and Zoe up a little bit. She looked surprised to see them there, but didn’t ask any questions, just corralled them into Evan’s room to go to sleep in a normal bed. Last night he didn’t even consider that his mom actively let Zoe sleep with him in his bed. Well, she did give permission to have Zoe stay over whenever, so she must not be too concerned about sleeping arrangements. 

It takes a couple seconds for Evan to realize that Zoe isn’t next him. Her hair isn’t tickling his face and her body isn’t keeping him warm. Something must have happened because Zoe never woke up before him. The thought that she might not be okay sends Evan into a bit of a tizzy, stumbling out of his bed and bursting into the living room, ready to search high and low for Zoe. He doesn’t have to look too far, because Zoe’s right there, on the couch talking with his mom, her two hands wrapped around her favorite mug, sipping coffee. 

Evan thinks she looks tired and the red in her eyes makes him think she might’ve been crying at some point, but she’s smiling at his mom, and Heidi’s hand is on her shoulder comfortingly. But the sight of them together calms him down from panicking about Zoe’s whereabouts and also makes him feel fluttery, like his heart is expanding, filling up with so much love for the two women in front of him, clearly having a moment. Zoe had tried numerous times to try leaning on her parents for support and many times over, they’ve disappointed her. It made him unbelievably happy that he could offer her a parent, and a pretty extraordinary one at that. Zoe could borrow Heidi as a mom for as long as she needed to, and Evan would encourage it even more. He knew what it felt like to be trusted and believed in by an adult, and he thinks Zoe needs just a little bit more of that in her life. 

Eventually Heidi notices that Evan was staring at them from the doorway of his room and beckons him over to join their conversation. There wasn’t much space left on the couch and Evan didn’t want to be far away from them, so he sits on the ground, right next to Zoe, gently leaning his head on the side of her thigh. Without even thinking about it, like it was an instinct, Zoe moves one of her hands to start playing with Evan’s hair, even in its unruly morning state. Heidi watches them, eyes twinkling above her coffee cup, as Evan visibly relaxes into Zoe’s touch, likely as unaware as Zoe was. She was happy that her Evan had someone as spectacular as Zoe by his side, and the other way around. She thought the world of Evan, and raised him to be a wonderful person, and she was glad he was able to support Zoe. 

Evan notices no one was talking anymore, Heidi and Zoe’s conversation coming to a close with the appearance of Evan, not that it was a bad thing though. Sometimes you just need to talk to a mom, and with everything that had happened with her own yesterday, Evan understands. When and if Zoe wanted to tell him what they talked about, he would be there, ready to listen. 

“Well, kiddos, I don’t have to work until this evening, is there anything you guys want to do?”, Heidi asks them, still smiling over how natural and playful Evan and Zoe were with each other.

“Um, I don’t know, Zo, wh-what do you want t-to do?” Evan says, turning his head so his chin was on her thigh, looking up at her. 

“Would it be okay if we didn’t do anything? Just stayed here and I don’t know, just hung out?”, Zoe asks, pivoting her attention back to Heidi, she’d had enough of “doing” in the last couple of days, even if she hadn’t even left the hospital. 

“Of course, love,” Heidi tells her, and Evan can’t help but think of the way “love” sounded coming from his mom versus Zoe’s. He likes hearing her say it to Zoe.

“How about some breakfast though? You two look like you haven’t eaten in a bit, how do pancakes sound?”, Heidi asks both of them, getting up from the couch, and playfully patting Evan’s head, and resting her hand gently on Zoe’s shoulder. 

“Sounds great, Mom, thank you,” Evan tells her earnestly, and he really hopes that she knows that he means for more than the pancakes. 

Heidi ends up going all out on their pancake breakfast, setting the kids to work cutting up fruit for the side, and tossing chocolate chips into the batter just for fun. It’s exactly what both Evan and Zoe needed to start the day, distracting and light-hearted. Plus, neither of them had really eaten full meals in a couple of days, leaving them going back for seconds and thirds. 

The rest of the day is calm, allowing Evan and Zoe to forget most of their troubles, even just for a little bit. They do a puzzle that Zoe picked out with all different astrological signs and stars, which prompts a lengthy discussion and internet search into everyone’s sun, moon, and rising signs. Arguing over which traits matched who, Evan swears he couldn’t be a Leo, and since his birthday was on the cusp, he was totally a Virgo. They couldn’t deny though that Zoe was a Libra even though her birthday was on a cusp too. It was fun and took up most of their afternoon, Heidi chiming in sometimes to tell silly stories about Evan as a baby for evidence of certain traits. Evan thinks it’s one of the best days he’s had in a long time. What he thought had been a familial feeling yesterday in Connor’s hospital room with the Murphy’s compares nothing to this feeling of family. His mom and Zoe. His family. 

Heidi helps prep them for dinner, laying out the things they could make, but eventually has to head into work. As she leaves, much like the day before, she scoops each of them up into a hug, kissing their foreheads lovingly, holding on to Zoe just a smidge longer to say, “Zoe, I hope you know you’re staying here tonight again. You’re welcome to any time, but especially now. I don’t want you in that big house alone.” 

Zoe nods, letting Heidi know she understood, pulling her back to hug her once more, and Heidi lets her. When Heidi walks out the door, Evan moves to put his arm around Zoe, both of them waving until Heidi’s car is no longer in sight. 

“Hey Evan,” Zoe says, looking up at him, “I think we need to go to my parent’s house. I don’t have any clothes for school tomorrow. I’ve been avoiding it all day, but we have to.”

“That’s okay. We can go right now if you want. Get it over with? And you can grab enough for a couple days, so you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to,” Evan tells her, letting his hand fall to her hip, angling her in towards him.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Thank you, for letting me stay. I don’t really know what’s going to happen when Connor gets released. We hadn’t gotten that far yet, and then everything went to shit last night. It just means a lot to me to have you and Heidi,” Zoe says, blinking quickly, determined to keep tears from falling. 

“Zo, you know that saying ‘Home is where your heart is’? Well I think it’s true and my mom and I love you so much. You’ll always be home when you’re with me or with us, and you don’t need to thank us for that,” Evan tells her, kissing away the one tiny tear that had managed to escape before leaning down to kiss her properly, hoping she could feel how much he loved her. Zoe lets herself get lost in their kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck, and pressing herself against Evan, effectively deepening it by sucking lightly on Evan’s lower lip, to which Evan can only moan. When they pull away, both are breathless and red-cheeked, they hadn’t been able to kiss like that in a while, and neither one of them really wants to stop. But they do, when Zoe pulls away telling him, “The faster we get back from my parent’s, the faster we can get back to that.” 

Evan was still a little out of breath, managing only to nod in response, racing into his room to grab Zoe’s bag, which housed her keys, which he pushes into her hands causing her to laugh at his eagerness. 

They arrive at the Murphy house quickly and are in and out in a matter of minutes, Zoe was an efficient packer. Luckily, they didn’t run into Larry or Cynthia, even though Zoe doubted that Cynthia had even left Connor’s side, but her dad had been making house runs. 

Much to Evan’s displeasure they don’t return to making out as soon as they’re safely back inside the Hansen home. Instead they make dinner together, clean up, and get ready for bed. It takes a lot of will power on Evan’s part to actively not think about Zoe in the shower, and the way she was pressed up against him earlier. Their lives may be a hot mess right now, but they were still young and definitely interested in progressing their relationship. Evan wonders what Zoe thinks about when he takes his turn in the shower, kissing her playfully when they crossed paths.

He completely forgets about everything he’d been thinking before when he walks back into his room and finds Zoe sitting on the bed, staring at her phone. 

“Zo, is everything okay? Did something happen?”, Evan asks, quickly taking a seat beside her, leaning in to see her phone screen. 

“Yeah, no nothing happened. But I’ve been dodging calls from my dad all day, and he sent a couple of texts, I just haven’t opened them yet. I know it’s dumb, but I was kinda hoping my mom might call or text me,” Zoe says, pushing her phone away dejectedly, laying her head in the crook of Evan’s neck, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“It’s not dumb Zoe, she should have. But I can look at the ones from your dad for you, just to check. You can decide if you want to respond from there,” Evan tells her encouragingly, rubbing a hand up and down her arm, feeling her place the phone in his hand. 

Evan quickly unlocks her phone, he’d known her passcode for a while, and opens the messages app, seeing three from ‘Dad’. 

**9:37 A.M. Dad:** Zoe, honey, we’re sorry about yesterday, we didn’t know what to do, you guys leaving seemed like the easiest plan

 **1:28 P.M. Dad:** Zoe, please answer your phone, we want to know you’re okay

 **6:57 P.M. Dad:** Zoe, we’re trying to talk to Connor about everything, we are but he’s stubborn. I swung by the house and you weren’t there, please let us know you’re okay

Evan’s not sure what exactly to tell Zoe, he thinks the sentiment is real, but honestly, he didn’t think they were trying that hard to reach her. If it’d been his mom, there would be 500 texts and missed calls, not giving up until she knew for sure where he was. And now that Connor was up, he probably didn’t need 24 hours surveillance, and probably didn’t want it either. Evan used to know Connor fairly well, and the constant watching from his parents was probably driving him crazy. And he wasn’t a doctor or anything obviously, but he thought that patients had to talk to a psychologist one on one, meaning there could have been some time that Larry and Cynthia could have used to reach Zoe. Cynthia even drove him home once, she kind of knew where Evan lived, and they had to know Zoe was with him.

“Um, they want to know that you’re okay mostly, some other stuff, but nothing that important,” Evan says, letting his head drop on top of hers, starting his little touches on her arm once more. 

“Could you write back something that I am okay and staying with you for a couple days, please?” Zoe asks, moving away from Evan to lay back against the pillows piled up at the top of his bed. 

Evan types out what she said, then plugs her phone in, setting it aside both literally and figuratively, and crawls up to join her. For now, everything that was happening with Connor, with her parents, was out of their control. What they could control now, was themselves, and both of them wanted to go back to right where they left off before going to Zoe’s parent’s house. 

Evan is taken a bit by surprise when Zoe’s leg wraps around his hip and she pulls herself on top of him, straddling him, hands set hesitantly on his chest. Her expression screams “Is this okay?” and Evan responds by sitting up a little himself and kissing her, feeling her smile into it. He takes the opportunity to place a hand on the small of her back and pull her flush to him, laying on his back, continuing to kiss her. Zoe starts to trail kisses down his neck, stopping at his collarbone and sucking a little harder, but not hard enough to leave a mark. Evan lets his hands trail up her back, stopping at her waist, but he can’t help but wonder how soft her skin would feel. As if Zoe was reading his mind, she sits up from kissing him and moves his hands to underneath her shirt, grinning at him. Evan can’t help but smile back at her, sitting back up a little to recapture her lips with his own, gently moving his hands around on her skin, but never venturing too high. 

When they break apart again, they’re both out of breath and Zoe’s still sitting on him, and it’s very evident that Evan is just as excited as she is. She can’t help but feel giddy, they’d never gone this far before and it was exhilarating to feel this close to him. Zoe starts playing with the hem of Evan’s shirt, prompting Evan to ask, “Should I take it off?”

It’s endearing how sweet Evan is when he asks her, even though it was his own clothes, and all she can think about is how much she loves him. 

“Yes, but only if you want to. I don’t want to pressure you,” Zoe says, biting her lip, face somehow even more red than before, not from embarrassment, but from something else entirely. The way Zoe bites her lip before replying was doing _things_ to Evan, and he really didn’t want her to stop. He doesn’t hesitate to reach down and pull his shirt off, carelessly tossing it aside. He had always felt self-conscious about his body, but Zoe doesn’t seem to be disappointed looking over him hungrily. He knew he didn’t need to anxious around Zoe, even if they didn’t exactly know what they were doing, she loved all of him, the same way he loved all of her.

Zoe’s once again fiddling with a hem, but this time it’s her own, looking down on Evan to ask, “Should I take my shirt off?” 

Zoe seems a lot more timid concerning her own clothes, and Evan absolutely doesn’t want to her to feel like she has to do something, so he sits up again, and chooses just to hug her, whispering and looking at her sincerely, “Only if you want to Zo. I’m fine if we stop here or go further, it’s up to you.” 

Zoe nods at him, suddenly a lot less nervous, and pulls her own shirt off, tossing it next to Evan’s. And Evan can’t take his eyes off her. She was wearing the same light pink bra from before, and her chest was flushed red as well, hiding her freckles. She was beautiful, and Evan couldn’t believe he got the chance to be with her. Acting without really thinking, Evan flips them around, and starts peppering tiny kisses all over Zoe’s newly exposed skin, making her giggle. Zoe pulls him back up to kiss him properly, letting some of his weight settle on top of her. She always felt like it would be weird to have someone on top of you, crushing in a way, but it’s not. The feeling of Evan’s warm skin against hers and the weight of his body is comforting and sexy at the same time, and she wants to feel more of it. 

Without saying it to each other, they both know this was as far as they were going to go tonight, it wasn’t the right time to go any further, and that was okay. Being together like this was incredible and when they did go all the way it would be even more special. They continue touching and exploring and teasing and loving well into the night, shirts completely forgotten, until they fall asleep curled into one another, feeling closer than they ever have before. 

==

The next morning Evan wakes up before Zoe, like he usually does, and he wants nothing more than to let her sleep, they’d been up pretty late, just remembering what they’d been doing makes him blush just a little. But he knows they have to get up, so he gently starts shaking her shoulder. He never gets tired of seeing how cute Zoe was in the morning, resisting getting up, rolling away and mumbling “five more minutes”. Evan is not against using stronger tactics to get her up though, leaning over her and tickling her exposed sides, sleeping without a shirt on definitely had benefits. Zoe tries pitifully to swat away his hands, but gives in readily and starts laughing at his antics, rolling over to look at him, saying, “Fine, Evan. I’m up, okay. You didn’t have to play so mean though, I would have gotten up eventually.” 

“You know you liked it,” Evan tells her punctuating his statement with a kiss to her cheek, and a kiss to her belly, before getting out bed completely, now that he was convinced that she was up. Zoe just laughs and follows him out of the bed, going their separate ways for their morning routine, Evan makes coffee and breakfast while Zoe got ready. Evan loves the way they have a rhythm, something domestic and reliable. It was comforting to fall back on when they weren’t really sure what was going to happen in the next few days. 

They finish getting ready for school and take a little extra time on the drive there. Zoe hadn’t been at school since the week before and she was hesitant, worried that people would question it. No body knew what had happened to Connor, so there wasn’t a strong possibility that students would bother her, but she was anxious about it anyways. 

Evan sticks to her side as best he can, taking over her job of glaring at people, even though they weren’t really gossip anymore, but it made Zoe feel better, so he did it. At lunch, they do fill Jared in on everything that happened, sparing some details, and let him know that they weren’t sure what was going to happen next. Jared is also upset and asks if he can visit Connor just to say “hey” and let him know he had people who cared about him. Zoe says she’ll ask but warns Jared that he probably wouldn’t be in a good mood, but he could try if he wanted too. 

Overall, Zoe’s first day back at school wasn’t too bad, which is relieving. Evan can tell it might not have been terrible, but the day definitely took its toll on her, and he doesn’t really want to leave her to go to work, but he had only asked for the weekend off, so he has to show up for his Monday shift. 

As they’re walking to Zoe’s car, Evan asks her, “Zo, do you want to come to work with me? You could catalog with me or hang out at one of the picnic tables, catch up on your work, and I can check in on breaks?” 

The look of admiration Zoe shoots him makes Evan’s cheeks blush, and she takes a second to smile at him, letting both of them get in her car before responding, “Thanks Ev. That’s sweet of you to offer, but I was going to ask your mom if she wanted to get coffee with me, and maybe help me schedule another appointment with the hospital counselor? But I can still drop you off and pick you up if you want.” 

“I think that’s a great idea. My mom loves spending time with you, and I should probably ask her about Dr. Sherman too and set that up soon. I’ll take a drop-off, but don’t worry about picking me up. I don’t want to put any time constraints on you,” Evan tells her, glad that she was taking the time to help herself through all that was happening. It was good that him and his mom were there for her, but Evan knows first-hand how beneficial talking to a therapist can be and is happy that Zoe was seeking that out on her own. 

That seems to settle their plans for the afternoon, and Evan picks out a playlist for them to listen to on the drive to the park. It’s quiet, but relaxing. One of his favorite things about his relationship is that they didn’t always need to fill the silence. Evan used to be so uncomfortable with, filling it with rambles, just to avoid sitting with his thoughts, but with Zoe, he never has that urge. When they pull into the parking lot, Evan leans over the console to kiss Zoe goodbye, deliberately not letting it go too far because he knew he’d never leave if it did. And soon he’s out of the car with promises to see each other at _home_. 

On his way into the main building to check-in on his timesheet, Evan hears the voice of his boss calling out his name, causing him to turn around and walk towards her. 

“Evan! Evan, I’m glad I ran into you. How are you and how’s your family doing?”, Paige asks in a friendly voice, genuinely wanting to know if he was alright. 

“Well, um, o-one of m-my f-friends a-attempted t-to t-take their o-own life, and, and they’re st-still in the h-hospital, and th-their sister is st-staying with me, for now,” Evan tells her, trying really hard not to stammer, but he’d let Zoe take the lead at lunch, so this was the first time he was actually talking about what had happened to another person. He also felt it was best to omit that said sister was also his girlfriend, his boss didn’t need to know that.

“Oh Evan, I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you sure you want to be here today? You’re more than welcome to take more time off. Actually, I insist, you should be with your friend,” Paige tells him, already turning him around and walking with him towards the entrance of the park. 

“No, um, I c-could st-stay if you n-need me. I was s-supposed to c-catalog the Emerald L-l-lake Trail, um, today,” Evan tells her, but he’s pretty sure Paige wasn’t going to have it.

“Evan, it’s fine. We’ll find someone to do it. If not, it’ll be here when you get back. I promise it’s okay. Take the time to be with your friend. Things could have been different, and we could have been having a whole different conversation. Take the time,” Paige insists, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. 

Evan can only nod and manages to get a “thank you” out, as his boss retreated back into the park. Apparently, his afternoon was a lot freer than he’d thought. He was actually relieved. There was something he’d been wanting to do without Zoe, and he’d been thinking about it all day. He was going to go visit Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan's going to attempt to talk to Connor again...and I think that's where I'll leave this note. Stay tuned!


	17. I've Been Bruised And Burned But Somehow I'm Intact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor talk. Evan and Zoe talk about that talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! 
> 
> I really like this chapter because it's the first time I've written a more vulnerable Connor and a Connor who can't just run from a situation he doesn't want to be in. So I hope you like it!
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone reading this story, I think it's going to come to a close soon, and that makes me emotional. Thank you for any comments/kudos/subscriptions/bookmarks etc. I love hearing what you think and appreciate you taking the time to tell me! Happy Reading!

Evan walks a couple blocks down the street to the bus stop, deciding that it would take too long to walk all the way to the hospital from Ellison Park. He hadn’t used the city bus system in a while, he gotten too used to Zoe driving him places, usually because they were going to the same place. Luckily though, he still had a metro pass, so he didn’t have to awkwardly pay the fare once getting on. 

The commute gives Evan plenty of time to think about what he wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it. He knew it was risky to come to Connor, considering their history and the way Connor dismissed him and Zoe right after he’d woken up. But he really felt like it needed to happen, and he’d thought about how he’d be able to without Zoe. Not that he didn’t want her there, he honestly wanted to be with her all the time, but he wasn’t sure of the reception they’d get if they both showed up. Also, he didn’t want to keep piling these stresses onto her. He was happy that she was seeing his mom to talk, and he hoped it made her feel better. She didn’t need more things to worry about.

Evan doubles checks which stop he needed to get off on, and thankfully someone else pulls the stop request, so he doesn’t have to, it was another thing he just hated doing. Evan walks the few blocks to the hospital and is glad that he’s by the entrance him and Zoe had been using. He knew the way to get to Connor’s room and didn’t have to ask anyone for help. He was getting better with these types of things, but usually it was when Zoe was with him, when he was alone it was still pretty difficult to talk to people or bring attention to himself in any way. 

When he reaches Connor’s room, the door is open and he can see Cynthia sitting next to Connor, trying to talk to him about something that he clearly didn’t want to talk about. It was good that he was awake (Evan was slightly worried he’d be sleeping), but it wasn’t great that he wasn’t in a good mood to begin with, not that he ever really was though. 

Cynthia happens to look out and sees Evan, and Evan tries to wave at her to come out into the hallway. She looks a little confused, but that could be because Evan was there, or because she didn’t understand his wave, it was a little more flail-y than he’d intended. But he sees her lean over to kiss Connor’s cheek, his face crinkling up in embarrassment, and scurries out to come talk with him. 

“Um, hi, Mrs. Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says, trying his best to look at her and speak confidently. He didn’t want her to think he was nervous, even though he very much was. He wanted her to agree to let him see Connor.

“Hi Evan, dear. What are you doing here?”, Cynthia asks, gently closing the door so Connor couldn’t see them. 

“I was w-wondering if I could, uh, could talk with Connor a-alone?”, Evan asks her, shifting back and forth a little bit. He hears her sigh deeply and he knows that she probably wasn’t going to agree with him. 

“Evan, I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t think that is a good idea. Connor has been doing a lot better the last couple days, but he hasn’t opened up about anything that happened between the two of you. I don’t want to upset him. We’ve gotten into a fragile balance that shouldn’t be disrupted. You understand that, right Evan?”, Cynthia says, and Evan gets the sense that that’s always what Cynthia thinks, that the balance should never be disturbed. That’s one of the reasons they were probably in this situation to begin with. 

“I understand Mrs. Murphy, I, uh, do. But, um, it’s im-important, and I just w-want to t-talk to him. We’re g-going to have t-to eventually r-right. I mean, Zoe’s not, uh, not going to st-stay with me fo-forever?”, Evan asks, not that he’d mind if Zoe never left, but he wanted things to be better with her family. Cynthia has a puzzled look on her face, like she hadn’t at all considered what was going to happen when Connor was released from the hospital and where Zoe would fit into it all.

“Maybe, you could, um, c-call Zoe, while me and C-Connor talk, ask her how she’s feeling about everything,” Evan offers after Cynthia doesn’t say anything for a beat. He does want to make her feel guilty just a little bit, mainly about not looking after Zoe too. Zoe was just as important as Connor and Evan just wanted Cynthia to see that too, that her and Larry needed to try harder when it came to Zoe. 

Cynthia nods at him, finally relenting, telling him, “You guys can have 20 minutes. If Connor gets upset, then you need to leave. I’ll let him know you’re here.” 

Evan shakes his head yes hurriedly, worried that Cynthia might change her mind, but he watches her go back inside the room, grab her phone from her purse and whisper something to Connor. Connor looks confused as to who might be visiting him, but also kind of excited at the prospect of seeing someone who wasn’t his parents. 

When Evan steps into the doorway and Connor sees that it’s him, his face immediately falls, looking annoyed with a tinge of angry. Evan feels a little weird about it, but who could Connor have really been expecting? It wasn’t like he had many friends, and they had just told Jared today. But thankfully Connor doesn’t react in front of his mom, simply choosing to stare at Evan with a look that said _what do you want asshole?_ Cynthia looks between the two of them momentarily, but doesn’t say anything and just walks out, closing the door behind her.

Evan starts fidgeting with his hoodie strings, unsure of how to start now that he was here in person. Saying hi, that’s where he should start, that’s what normal people do, even though he doubted that either he or Connor were normal. Regardless, Evan starts, “H-h-hey C-Con”, and Connor interrupts him saying, “I don’t want to talk to you Evan.”

Evan just stares at him for a second, deciding what he should do. He wasn’t going to leave, that much he knew. He was here and he was going to talk to Connor, whether or not Connor wanted to listen or talk back, that wasn’t up to him. But he tried being nice and considerate, and that had got them into this situation, so even though it might be hard, Evan knows he has to just be blunt. He shuffles over to the chair next to Connor’s bed that Cynthia was sitting in, saying as he sat down, “Well t-tough shit Connor. I’m h-here and were t-talking.” 

Evan thought Connor might yell at him for being kind of a dick to him, but surprisingly Connor looks kind of impressed by Evan’s attitude, raising just one eyebrow, and turning to actually look at him. Evan saw the way Cynthia was treating him, like he was a porcelain doll that might break at any moment if anyone did anything to upset him. In retrospect, that was pretty true, but people couldn’t treat Connor like he was breakable if he were ever going to get better. And knowing Connor, Evan was positive that he hated being handled that way.

Even though Connor hasn’t said anything, Evan gets the impression that he can keep talking, that Connor wasn’t going to talk first. Evan takes a deep breath a meets Connor’s eyeline saying steadily, “What you did on Saturday was really shitty Connor. Zoe was so worried about you, feeling guilty beyond belief, and spent every moment since you got here actively trying to support you. I don’t care that much about me, but casting her out, and making your parents choose between you and her, that wasn’t okay.” 

Evan is proud of himself for not stammering and giving it to Connor straight. He’d never talked to him before without his stutter, and he thinks it’s probably because he was defending Zoe, and it was a wrong that he truly thought needed justice. Connor couldn’t continue to treat her that way. 

“No she wasn’t. She was probably faking for my parent’s sake. And she should be used to being second, our parents do it all the time,” Connor says, rolling his eyes, clearly not seeing how hurtful his words were and Zoe wasn’t even here to hear them. 

“Maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her. And how would you know if she cared or not? You never talk to her, and if you do, it’s to say something mean or to scream at her. We’ve talked about you together so many times, I know how she’s always wanted to be a good sister, to be your best friend again, but you always push her away,” Evan tells him, trying his best not to yell at him, even though he wanted to. He wanted to make him feel the way Zoe did, but he knew that wasn’t going to get anyone anywhere.

Evan can see Connor’s face soften just a little when he tells him that Zoe wants to be his best friend again, but right after his face scrunches up again angry once more, saying, “You don’t know how it feels Evan, to see your one friend, the person you’re closest to, slipping away. To feel so out of control and so alone, that the only thing you can do is start to resent the person that made you feel that way.” 

“I know exactly how t-that feels Connor. Do you r-remember the beginning of junior year, w-when I broke my arm?”, Evan asks, his own voice softening, his stammer returning slightly giving away his nervousness. He was preparing to talk about something he’d never talked about to anyone before, besides Zoe, and even that had been extremely hard. Connor nods and Evan asks him, “Did you know you were the only person who signed it, that no one else in the whole school even asked about it? Do you know how it broke it?” 

Connor doesn’t seem to understand why Evan was talking about this, but he lets Evan talk and answers him, “Yeah, didn’t you fall in a climbing accident? I think I told you it was the saddest fucking thing I’d ever heard. Still kinda is.”

“Well, I was cl-climbing, but I didn’t fall. I slipped, and w-when I caught myself, instead of p-pulling myself up, I just, just let go. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so d-desperately alone, and I thought no one would n-notice if I just disappeared. And no one r-really did. No one even f-found me when I fell, I was just laying th-there on the ground, in so much p-pain, waiting for someone to c-come, to notice I was g-gone, and they didn’t. I thought just m-maybe something would, could happen after you signed it, that we might be fr-friends or something, but we didn’t t-talk again until this year. So, I know b-better than you probably th-think,” Evan tells him, voice soft and slow, trying his best to blink back the tears that were forming. He didn’t want to cry, he’d done a lot of personal work to come to terms with what he’d done, but it didn’t make it any easier to talk about. 

“I didn’t know any of that Evan,” Connor says softly too, meeting Evan’s gaze, eyes a little misty himself, and it’s not an apology, but it didn’t need to be, because Connor was finally starting to see that maybe Evan did know how he felt, and that maybe Evan really was coming from a good place, trying his best to help him.

“But that’s j-just it, Connor you didn’t know because we n-never talked about it, or anything r-real at all. I asked you multiple t-times to talk to me about emotional st-stuff, things that are hard to t-talk about when we were t-together. I told you that I could, that I could help, that I’d understand, but you n-never would,” Evan says, veering away from his campaign for Zoe to talk about their relationship, hoping that’d he be able to explain a little better why they didn’t work better than the last two times he had. 

“So it’s my fault we broke up, just like how everything is always my fault? It’s hard for me to talk about things and I’m so terrible, so you get to bang my sister behind my back?”, Connor sneers, his sympathetic demeanor gone, replaced once again by anger. 

“I’ve, we’ve, that n-never h-happened Connor,” Evan splutters, looking away from Connor because he knew his cheeks were tinged a little red. Connor’s comment made him think about what him and Zoe had been doing last night. Technically, they had done nothing of sort…yet, but they most definitely hadn’t done anything physical _behind Connor’s back_. Well, they did kiss, but Evan broke up with him the next day, and Connor didn’t really need to know that, it wasn’t going to help Evan’s case.

“And you’re d-d-deflecting again. I’m not t-trying to start a fight with you C-Connor. I’m sorry we, we didn’t w-work out. We weren’t, aren’t the p-partners each other n-needs, but I’ve found the one I need in Zoe and I love her more than anything. You’ll f-find the one you need t-too, I have no d-doubt about it,” Evan tells him, hoping that Connor understands that he does mean it. Connor wasn’t a bad person, he just needed to love himself a little more and with that someone who loves him would find their way into his life.

“Yeah, I doubt it. Everyone in my life hates me or is afraid of me,” Connor says, sounding dejected and looking very helpless, tucked into his blanket, picking at a fraying hem.

“That’s, that’s not t-true Connor. We, me and Zoe, Jared, your parents, we all w-want you in our l-lives. What happened sc-scared all of us, we d-don’t want to lose you. I can’t even count t-the number of t-times I’ve talked about it with Z-Zoe. We w-want to forgive you if you can f-forgive us,” Evan says, not particularly mentioning how hard it was to want to forgive him and let alone actually doing it, letting their hearts be open to get hurt again. He also doesn’t mention that him and Zoe didn’t really do anything wrong, because it would definitely not help the situation either. 

It’s quiet for a while, and Evan’s not really sure how much time has actually passed. Connor looks deep in thought, like he was actually considering the things Evan had said. Evan doesn’t want to get up and leave, because he feels like leaving on an ultimatum of sorts wasn’t a good idea, but Connor wasn’t saying anything and he was starting to get worried, the silence putting him on edge. 

Evan’s about to speak up, to say something dumb about their English class, just to say _something_ , when Connor turns to him and asks, “Evan, do you ever feel like you feel too much?” 

The questions catches Evan off guard, because he absolutely feels like that all the time, that his anxiety heightened his negative feelings to the point of despair, but by comparison it made the times that he felt happy even better, but swinging between the two, made everything so much harder for him. But he doesn’t get a chance to respond because Connor is continuing, “I feel like that all the time. Everything is just amplified, and I can’t control it. Things that might make someone a little mad, infuriate me to the point of hurting the people around me. Other things that are sad, devastate me in a way that makes me hurt myself. I never feel like I’m in control. I don’t always mean the things I say or do, but it’s like I can’t stop once it’s started.” 

That wasn’t exactly what Evan was expecting Connor to say, admitting that he knew something wasn’t right, but looking back he thinks it kind fits perfectly into all the interactions he’s had with Connor. Evan thinks he has more to say, so he leans in supportively, not quite wanting to touch Connor, but wanting him to know he was there, and he was listening. 

“I don’t even know how to start changing the way I feel, but I want to,” Connor continues, sitting up a little and coming closer to Evan, and for the first time in a while, Evan isn’t really scared and doesn’t move backwards in response, “Being with you was helping, until it wasn’t. So I moved onto to numbing all my feelings. First with weed, but then that stopped working, so I started taking harder stuff, and then that stopped helping too. I had all my feelings of wanting to be better pinned onto to being with you, and that day at school, I finally realized that we weren’t going to happen, and everything was just magnified and I didn’t want to feel anymore. I just wanted it to stop.”

Evan doesn’t really know what to say to Connor, but he knows he needs to tread carefully, they were actually getting somewhere and Evan didn’t want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing, so he takes a second before responding to Connor with, “It’s okay that you d-don’t know Connor. You’re starting n-now, just by talking to me. You can t-talk to me whenever you want, and I’ll at least l-listen. You can t-talk to your therapist or even your, your parents. It’s going to t-take time for everything to change, and t-that’s okay too. I want to h-help you, and so does Zoe.” 

“Are you really sure she wants that? I’ve been horrible to her. Actually, horrible doesn’t even describe what I’ve been to her, I was worse, so I don’t really believe she wants that,” Connor says apologetically, even though it wasn’t really Evan he needed to apologize to. Well maybe he did need to apologize for yelling at him and Zoe and choking him, because he still technically hadn’t done that, but after hearing how out of control Connor felt all the time, Evan felt like he understood Connor more and had already partially forgiven him. He was more concerned about fixing Connor and Zoe’s relationship.

“Well, I can’t sp-speak for her, but we’ve talked about it b-before and I think she does. I know she feels incredibly g-guilty, that she or I, uh, guess we d-drove you into this situation, I know I do. M-maybe you just talk to her. Try t-texting her, something small kind of like an, um, olive branch. Neither of you are going to h-heal overnight either, it’ll t-take work,” Evan tells him hopefully, and he considers asking if Connor had Zoe’s number, but thought better of it at the last minute. 

Connor starts fidgeting with the frayed hem of his blanket, looking away from Evan, clearly nervous, asking him in a quiet voice, “Do you really want to stick around, after everything that’s happened? After everything I’ve done?” 

“Yeah, I do Connor,” Evan says evenly, his voice not wavering at all, causing Connor to look over to him, prompting Evan to say more, “I still like things about you, same as before. You’re funny and a good writer and an incredible artist. It was fun when we h-hung out, when you weren’t, um, high,” Evan sees Connor cringe at that but continues softly, “But we just d-didn’t and won’t work t-together in a way that’s m-more than friends, and I th-think we could both use a f-few more of those.”

Connor nods along with him, a looking of relief washing over him, and Evan can visibly see some of the tension leaving his body. Connor was finally accepting the truth and coming to terms with the fact that this could be a new start for them as friends and that he might have a new start with his sister too. Evan smiles at the sight, things were far from fixed, but the possibility was there and that was all he needed for now. 

“Evan?”, Connor asks, his voice still kind of quiet and forlorn, making Evan question if his smile was too premature, but he meets Connor’s gaze anyways, unsure what he might have to say. 

“You’ve said that you love Zoe. Did you ever love me?”, Connor asks sadly, but not the kind of sad that Evan was used to seeing with Connor lately. He didn’t look overwhelmed or like he might run away depending on what Evan said (he couldn’t technically), just sad, like someone who already knew the answer to question they’d just asked.

Evan doesn’t want to lie to him, but he doesn’t want to upset even more so than he already was. They’d already covered how Connor’s emotions weren’t exactly stable, but with a question like this he can’t avoid it or stretch the truth. Evan takes a deep breath and says, “No. Not the way that I love her. Whenever I’m not with her, it’s like a piece of me is missing, that we’re two halves of the same whole. I only feel complete when she’s by my side. She makes me feel seen and understood and loved in a way that I never have before.” 

Evan sees the way Connor’s eyes start to tear up while he’s talking about Zoe and he didn’t really mean for his words to make him cry, but he did want to express how much Zoe meant to him. In an attempt to make Connor feel a little better, Evan adds, “But I love some of the memories I have of our relationship. The time we went apple-picking and the time we marathon-ed all those Try Guys videos and some other ones. I think our love could grow in a different way though. I’ve always wanted a brother.” 

Connor still looks disheartened and is back to pulling the thread out of the fray, looking away from Evan as he spoke. And Evan can see where it’s not exactly easy to hear from an ex how much they love someone else and see you as more of a friend, and he doesn’t want Connor to think he just rubbing his and Zoe’s relationship in his face, but he was over lying just to make Connor feel better, he done it enough times. 

“I’m not telling you this to hurt you or lying about anything. And I admit, I was part of the reason I felt so unhappy in our relationship, and I did lie to you, mostly about how I felt about certain things. I should have just been a little more honest with you and with myself. I think it could’ve saved us both a lot of pain. But we could put everything in the past behind us, start over right now”, Evan tells him softly, hoping that Connor truly understood what he was offering. 

It’s quiet again, and Evan isn’t sure what’s going to happen next, but he hears Connor offer a very faint “okay”. Connor looks like he’s trying very hard not to cry, but in a way he looks better. Like he wasn’t trying to hang on to something that wasn’t there anymore, that he might be finally willing to try. To accept the help and opportunity for a fresh start that he was being offered. 

Right after Connor agrees, the boys hear a light knock on the door and Cynthia comes in, looking relieved that they weren’t fighting or causing any trouble. Evan glances at his phone and sees that he’d been there a little over an hour, way past the 20 minutes Cynthia had given when he got there. It was probably time for him to go. 

Evan gets up from the chair next to Connor and gives Connor a small smile, which Connor returns, barely, but Evan can see it. Evan feels like the majority of the guilt he’d been feeling was gone, not all of it, there was still a lot to unpack, but he was lighter. Hopeful. A future where he and Zoe and Connor were able to coexist harmoniously was dangerously close and it was something he’d wanted for a long time. 

He eyes Zoe’s bag in the corner of the room as well, filled with her laptop and the other things she’d left when they’d been ushered out Saturday night and walks over to grab it. When he heads to leave, he stops telling Connor, “Remember to start small, anything is better than nothing.” 

He waves to Connor and Cynthia, and much to Cynthia’s surprise, Connor nods and waves back.

==

Evan texts Zoe on the walk home, to let her know he’d be home earlier than he thought. His house is a little bit of a far walk from the hospital, but the bus routes weren’t super great for his neighborhood, so he just decides to walk the whole way. It was kind of nice though. He could think about his and Connor’s conversation more, without worrying that he might offend the bus driver or accidently look at someone on the bus. 

Looking back on all the time he’d spent with Connor when they’d been dating and then when they started fighting and then their awkward encounters after the break-up, Evan thinks they’ve never actually had a real conversation until now. They’d talked about hard things. Things that they both actively tried to avoid discussing. Things that made them feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But it was good. They’d made so much progress and Evan couldn’t wait to tell Zoe about it. Connor felt genuine and he really thinks they are off to a good start reconciling. Above anything Evan wants Zoe to be happy and he knows she never really would be without her brother. He really hopes Connor takes his advice and just texts her. Even a ‘hey’ would be better than silence. Or hatred. Or a casual fuck you. All things Zoe’s gotten from him in the past. 

His walk goes faster than he thought it would and pretty soon he’s rounding the corner by his house and he can see Zoe’s blue bug in the driveway, but his mom’s car is no where to be seen. She must have already left for work. He was hoping he might catch her, just to update her a little, but it could wait. On the plus side it meant Zoe and him would be home alone, and just thinking about it makes the back of his neck feel hot and a blush form on his cheeks. 

He gets ahold of himself before opening the front door and calling out to Zoe, “Zo, I’m home”, and he can’t help but think it’s like they’re a couple in a 1950’s TV sitcom. It makes him smile. Zoe quickly appears from inside Evan’s room and Evan knows it’s only been a few hours, but they’d been a hard few hours and he missed her. She looked happy to see him too, and just happier in general, her talk with Heidi must have gone well, and possibly her talk with Cynthia as well. Evan gently sets his bags down and wraps Zoe into a tight hug, kissing her temple as they pull away, letting their hands intertwine.

“How come your shift got cut short?”, Zoe asks, swinging their hands playfully, she really was in a good mood.

Evan giggles at her playfulness and drops one of their hands to twirl her around once, before pulling her close again, telling her, “When Paige asked me about my family emergency from this weekend, I told her how Connor was still in the hospital and you were staying with me, and she just told me I should be with you guys. She literally walked me back to the parking lot and insisted I leave.” 

“That was a couple of hours ago though, what’d you do then,” Zoe asks, curious as to what her boyfriend had been up to. Zoe glances down to see if Evan had brought anything in with him that would give her an idea of where he’d been and she sees her own bag, with her ukulele and laptop sticking out of the top, the bag she’d left at the hospital. Zoe takes a small step away from Evan, asking before he could even respond to her first question, “Did you go see Connor?”

Evan is taken aback by Zoe moving away from him and the way her demeanor had suddenly changed. She wasn’t happy or bubbly, but not mad either. She looked like a mix of sad and confused and Evan wasn’t sure why and tries to close the gap she’d but in between them, but Zoe doesn’t look happy about that either, so he takes a tiny step back. Evan was usually a great comfort to her, not someone she pulled away from. He’s still holding her hand and starts moving his thumb back and forth over her hand, and when she doesn’t pull away Evan starts to tell her, “Yeah, I did. I thought we needed to talk and…”

Zoe interrupts Evan with a curt, “Why didn’t you tell me?”, but she doesn’t break their hands apart, instead squeezes Evan’s gently, so Evan knows he’s messed up, but not in a way that wasn’t fixable. 

“I, um, I didn’t want to stress you out more and after what happened last time, I wanted to talk to him somewhere safe, and he’s only going to be there for a little longer. You’ve dealt with so much this week, that I didn’t want you to have to worry about me too,” Evan says softly, eyes pleading with her just a little, to understand that he wasn’t intending to hide this from her, he just didn’t want to pile on more stress to the amount she already carried. 

“Did you even have to go to work today, or did you lie about that?”, Zoe asks him, her tone no longer short with him, but very sad instead, she didn’t even look at Evan when she asked. Evan can’t really believe she just asked that, but instead of getting defensive, he squeezes her hand again, and uses his other to tilt her face back up to him, leaving his hand on her cheek, his thumb ghosting over her freckles. 

“Of course not Zoe. I would never lie to you. I genuinely went to work, expecting to catalog a trail until 7, but Paige basically forced me to leave. I knew you were with my mom and I didn’t want to interrupt that, so I used the time to go talk to him. I wouldn’t lie to you,” Evan tells her, taking a small step closer to her, letting his hand fall from her face and trail down to her waist, she doesn’t pull away again, but takes a step closer to him too, wrapping her arm around his back, and Evan knows that she believes him. 

“That’s why my mom call me, I guess. She stepped away from hovering over him for a few minutes,” Zoe tells him, the hurt in her voice no longer directed at him.

“Yeah, I kind of told her to,” Evan says, and he knows immediately it was the wrong thing to say. Zoe looks crushed, and he can see now how it looks like Cynthia couldn’t or wouldn’t reach out to her daughter without prompting from someone else. 

Evan pulls her even closer, letting go of their laced hand to put both of his hands on her back, rubbing small circles soothingly, nuzzling into her and whispering to her, “I’m so sorry Zoe, I thought I was doing something good. I should have talked to you about it first. Maybe you should’ve come with me, I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

Evan can feel her nodding against his chest, relaxing just a little bit with his ministrations. And they just stand there, in the middle of the living room, holding each other, until Zoe reaches up and kisses his cheek, telling him, “I’m not mad at you Ev. I know you were trying to do something nice for me, but maybe next time just tell me, yeah?”

“I will, I promise. But you’re sure you’re okay Zo? I was trying to keep you un-stressed, but I think I made it worse,” Evan says, knowing that he would worry about hurting her until she confirmed that she was a little bit okay. 

“Yeah, I’m okay Evan, or I will be at least. I’m glad you’re home though,” Zoe tells him, reaching up on her tip toes to kiss him snaking her arms around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer. Evan lets himself get carried away, letting his hands slip just below her shirt, gently moving brushing against her skin. He smiles into their kiss when he feels Zoe shiver from his touch. Zoe pulls away first, and Evan lets her, but he doesn’t move his hands from her low back, instead starts tracing little stars and Zoe is smiling at him again, so he doesn’t stop, but does ask her, “How was your afternoon with my mom and your talk with your mom?” 

Zoe sighs a little and Evan chastises himself, he’d just lifted her spirits only to bring them back down by asking about her mom. God he was dumb, but Zoe answers him anyways, “I thought it went well, but I’ve obviously been wrong about that before. Now I that I know that she didn’t call me because she wanted to, makes me question what was real and what wasn’t, and I don’t like feeling like that about my own family.”

Zoe takes a deep breath, and Evan can feel her eyelashes fluttering on his neck, and he really hopes she’s not blinking back tears, because he did not want to make her cry, he hated seeing her hurt. She pulls away from his neck to look up at him, and Evan is relieved that she isn’t crying, but actually look as little hopeful as she continues, “But, I had a really good time with your mom. Heidi is pretty awesome; she just always knows exactly what to say.” 

“Yeah, she’s kind of the best,” Evan says laughing just a little, happy when Zoe starts laughing with him. Evan wants to tell her about Connor, but thinks they should be sitting down for it, so he takes his hands from her lower back, laughing at her little whine, and gently tugs her to the couch, sitting in their typical curled up position. Evan continues rubbing her back, but moves to outside her shirt again, much to Zoe’s disapproval. 

“So, um, it went really well with Connor,” Evan starts, and Zoe looks at him with a surprised expression on her face, in total disbelief. 

“He actually talked to you?”, Zoe questions, slightly more engaged in what Evan was saying now, rather than what he was doing with his hands. 

“Yeah. We talked about why he lashes out so much and why he felt the way he did that day. I told him how I really broke my arm last year,” Evan tells her, his voice soft again, and now it’s Zoe’s turn to comfort him, reaching up to play with the hair by the nape of his neck encouragingly. She already knew that story, so she knew how hard it must have been for Evan to tell Connor. 

“I think he’s finally seeing the bigger picture, that we could all be friends and that we do want to support him. I think I might have convinced him to reach out to you too,” Evan tells her, letting himself lean into her touch, causing Zoe to smile just a little, even though her eyes looked baffled. 

“You really think he’s going to?”, Zoe asks him, not one hundred sold on Connor being able to follow through with that. 

“Yeah, I mean I don’t want to get your hopes up too much, but I do think he’s going to text or call or try to talk to you soon. And I think he’s finally gotten the closure he needed on our relationship,” Evan says earnestly, looking Zoe in the eye, watching her go from stunned to wary to hopeful in a matter of seconds.

Evan leans in to kiss her cheek and stays close to tell her again, “And I am really sorry I didn’t tell you I was visiting him.” 

“I hope he does. I’ve been waiting a long time to have my brother back. And it’s okay Evan, I promise, but please don’t not tell me things because you think I’m stressed. I love you and we’re a team, we handle things together,” Zoe says, kissing his jaw and laying her head down on his chest once more. 

“I will and I love you to, more than anything,” Evan says, kissing her hairline, the closest place he could reach, and returns to thumbing the skin right above her jeans. 

They stay curled up into each other for a little longer, before Evan’s stomach grumbles and they burst out laughing and get up to make dinner together and continue with their nightly routine. 

When they’re done with homework and have cleaned up and showered and checked everything off their metaphorical to do list, they’re laying in Evan’s bed, snuggled in close, letting their hands wander and explore in a way that wasn’t like the night before, but softer and sweet. They had forever to learn what each other liked. They were learning together and they didn’t need to rush into anything. It’s nice and comforting and exactly what both of them needed. 

They’re about to fall asleep when Zoe’s phone vibrates loudly against the side table, disturbing both of them. Zoe sees it’s a text from her mom, which is confusing to her. Her mom never texted her this late, so she opens it just to make sure everything was okay and is surprised to see that it’s not from her mom at all, but Connor, 

**10:53 P.M. Mom:** Hi Zoe this is Connor mom wont let me have my phone I want to see you if you want to see me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've had our Evan/Connor talk and now we must have our Zoe/Connor talk. Connor's coming home soon (how long can you stay in a hospital? For however long it's convenient for me) and the whole Murphy family will have to come to terms with that. Also please look forward to some more songs being featured as Zoe returns to her gig at the cafe! Stay tuned!!!!!
> 
> Additionally, my favorite line was Evan telling Connor "tough shit", I thought it was really cute.


	18. Clear The Slate And Start Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe is scared to talk to Connor but she does it anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everybody!!!! 
> 
> So this chapter is long... but I doubt anyone really has a problem with that. And it's mostly long because I got a little carried away with another sexy scene between Evan and Zoe. They do go further than last time so if you don't want to read that I put **** to indicate where it stops and starts. Also a note on that, consent is always sexy and it will never ruin a mood ever, and Evan and Zoe will always talk about everything and make sure they're both okay moving forward with anything they do. Also I'd like to say that Evan doesn't pull back because he's anxious, my Evan is not anxious around Zoe and is excited about having a physical relationship with her. I hope you like it!
> 
> Also I may have gotten carried away with a scene at school that was like two sentences in my outline also involving Zoe. But I think she would be really anxious thinking about meeting up with Connor again and on top of everything else that has happened. And I love writing an Evan that's super over-protective and loving towards her, so we ended up with it in the chapter. 
> 
> As always thank you to everyone reading this story! I appreciate you so much! And thank you to everyone leaving comments, kudos, subscribing, or bookmarking! It means the world to me! I hope you like this chapter! Happy Reading!

“Holy shit, Evan,” Zoe exclaims, unplugging her phone from the charger, switching on the lamp on the side table, and sitting up to show him her phone, “You were right, Connor just texted me. He wants to see me.”

Evan sits up along with her, gently taking her phone to see for himself. When he looks back at Zoe, she looks stunned, and way more awake than she had been before. Her mouth was open just a little bit, completely baffled that her brother had actually reached out to her. And maybe it took some prompting on Evan’s part, but he’d really done it. 

“This is a good thing Zo,” Evan tells her, handing her phone back and scooting closer to her, wrapping his arm around her back, letting it settle on her hip. 

“What should I do? I don’t even know what to say to him back,” Zoe says leaning into Evan as her amazement at the situation was fading. Connor reaching out to her was something she had wanted for a long time, but now that the possibility was real, she had no idea what to do. 

“Well, what do you want to do? You don’t have to see him right away, but you can,” Evan tells her gently, kissing her temple softly. 

“I do want to meet with him, but I’m kind of scared to see him again, and I still don’t really want my parents there,” Zoe confesses, nuzzling into him further, setting her head on his shoulder. 

“I think it is a good idea to talk to him. Today was really good. Emotional for both of us, but really good. I could come with you if you want,” Evan offers, he didn’t know if he should be there because Zoe and Connor had a lot more to discuss, things that had nothing to do with him and he didn’t want to get in the way of that. Neither of them needed Evan overstepping. But he wanted Zoe to feel the most comfortable that she could be it was going to a very hard thing for her to do and if he could help, he would.

“I don’t know if Connor wants that, but I do. You don’t have to say anything, but just being there, that would be enough,” Zoe says, looking up at him, her eyes wide, the soft glow of the Evan’s lamp making her eyes appear greener and illuminating her freckles. Evan thinks she’s never looked prettier. 

“Then I’ll be there,” Evan tells her quietly, squeezing her hip and kissing her cheek sweetly at the same time. 

“So, what should I text him back? Also my mom will probably see it too,” Zoe says, tapping the sides of her phone nervously, looking at Evan once again for support.

“Maybe just okay? Let him know you want to, but you don’t have to decide or commit to anything tonight. Be able to think about it a little more,” Evan tells her. She didn’t really need to decide tonight, and she might change her mind by tomorrow. Even today had so many ups and downs that could be influencing the way Zoe felt, promising to do something didn’t feel like the right thing to do. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea Ev,” Zoe tells him, looking back at her phone and typing back, 

**11:02 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** Okay, I want that too Connor 

“Then we also have to keep talking too, so that’s probably good right?” , Zoe asks, setting her phone back on the side table, leaning away from Evan for a moment. When she turns back, Evan’s nodding along with what she was saying, pulling her back to him, so she keeps talking, “And I think he’s supposed to go home Wednesday maybe, so we should probably talk before that. My parents haven’t like talked to me about what’s going to happen when he comes home. I guess they want me to figure it out for them.” 

Evan can tell Zoe’s stressed about it and he really didn’t know what was going on with her parents, but he couldn’t really help with that. He could though, make sure she knew there was a place for her with him, no matter what. 

“Zo, what do you want to do? What would make you feel safe? That’s the most important thing here, regardless of what your parents are doing,” Evan tells her, emphasizing that it was her who mattered in the situation, before shimmying them back into laying down again, keeping his arms around her. He wasn’t tired anymore either, but it was easier to look at Zoe and cuddle more in this position.

“I don’t really know,” Zoe says laying her head on his bicep, moving closer and tangling her legs with his. Evan starts trailing his hand up and down her side over her pajama shirt, and he only meant to do it comfortingly, but he feels Zoe shiver at his touch and it makes him smile and feel giddy, so he keeps doing it while Zoe keeps talking, “I mean I love being here with you and I love your mom. But I want, I think, to keep trying with my family. Is that dumb of me, to keep giving them chances? Setting myself up to keep getting hurt?”

“No, you’re not dumb, absolutely not. And it may seem like setting yourself up, but I don’t think that’s what you’re doing. You are so loving and open. Compassionate, brave, and the most forgiving person I know. Those are amazing qualities to have, only a few of the reasons I love you so much. Even if your family disappoints you, you at least gave them a chance and that’s what’s important,” Evan says, moving his hand up to her face to tuck her hair back behind her ear, kissing her chastely, to make up for accidentally making her shiver earlier. Zoe doesn’t push their kiss further, but does put Evan’s hand back on her hip, pushing it under her shirt, encouraging him to continue his little trace motions. 

“Anything that happens, we’ll just deal with it as it comes up, which isn’t really a me thing to say or think, but it’s true,” Evan tells her reassuringly, moving the arm she was laying on to scoop up behind her back, both his arms wrapped around her now. If the lighting were better, Zoe might have seen the mischievous glint in Evan’s eyes, could have guessed what he was up to. 

“You’re always welcome here too. In fact, I don’t want you to ever leave,” Evan says playfully, using the fact that he was holding her to his advantage, pulling her on top of him, kissing her anywhere he could reach. 

Zoe lets him move her, playing along with him. When Evan takes a second to breathe, Zoe sees her opportunity and pushes his shirt up just a little to begin tickling his sides, laughing freely, letting herself forget the serious things they were just talking about. Evan squirms around underneath her, laughing just as much as she was, trying to get her to stop, but not really putting in any actual effort. They were for sure not going back to bed anytime soon now. Somehow the mood had completely shifted. They were feeling giddy and happy, both of them somewhat realizing that they wouldn’t be able to do this (every night at least) once Zoe went back to her parent’s house. 

Zoe finally relents and sits up, straddling him properly, before leaning back down to kiss him sweetly, telling him breathlessly, “I love you Evan.” 

*******  
“I love you even more than you know,” Evan says, pulling her down to his chest, kissing her once more, putting all his love into that kiss. Their night had started slow and comforting not going past any ghost-like touches and sweet kisses, but that was no longer what was going on. Zoe’s hands were pressed into his chest not at all hesitant like she’d been the night before and his own hands were gripping her hips, gently pushing her shirt up, similar to the way his was bunched up, showing his stomach. 

Evan definitely wasn’t expecting Zoe to grab his hands, and guide them under her shirt, settling them over her ribs, just under where he should have felt her bra. But he didn’t. Fuck, Zoe wasn’t wearing a bra. He doesn’t let himself think about it too much, he knew they’d get to this point and further, but he wanted to make sure that’s what she wanted first. So, being the concerned partner, he was he lowers his hands back to her waist, and sits up a little to ask her, “You’re sure you’re okay with where this is going? I don’t, don’t want to do anything you’re not 100% for. Or that like you think you have to do something because you don’t.” 

“I know Evan. And I love that you check in with me. Makes every time we do something feel special. And I hope you don’t think you have to do anything either. I can, um, change tops and we’d be where we were yesterday if that’s better,” Zoe tells him, hoping that she didn’t push Evan too far either. She had honestly expected them to be sleeping and bras were not comfortable to sleep in, so she’d opted out for the night. But she also felt okay with Evan touching her, she liked the way his hands were soft, grazing against her skin, and was curious if it would feel different from the night before, but not at the expense of Evan’s comfort either. 

“Good that’s how I want us to feel. Special, because it is. And no, that’s okay. I’m okay too. I would tell you if I wasn’t,” Evan tells her, inching his hands back up to where Zoe had put them, moving his thumbs back and forth tentatively on the underside of Zoe’s boobs. It makes her shiver again pleasantly. She really liked how gentle Evan was being, his barely-there touch was just enough to get her excited. 

Evan, being a little braver, moves his hands up again, brushing over Zoe’s nipples, holding her boobs completely. They fit perfectly in his hands and even if he couldn’t see Zoe fully topless, he could feel everything, and he could see her face, that was more important to him anyways, it was how he could gauge if she if she was okay with everything that was happening. Zoe was blushing, her eyes only a little closed, watching Evan watch her. Based on the way she was smiling; Evan thinks it’s safe to assume Zoe liked what was happening. 

Evan moves his hands around to her back, pulling her gently down to lie on his chest, leaning up to kiss her, then slowly moving his kisses down her neck, applying a little more pressure than he normally would, until the faintest tiny mark appeared right above her collarbone. The whole time Zoe had been running her hands through his hair, pulling it just a little, something that Evan didn’t know he would like so much. Evan kisses the tiny bruise one more time before trailing back up to her face and kissing her again. 

They are both breathing incredibly fast when they break away and in an attempt to give Evan a tiny matching mark of his own, Zoe rolls her hips in a way that takes Evan by surprise, causing him to moan loudly and Zoe must not have realized she’d done something that felt _good_ , because she sits back up, stopping her work on Evan’s neck, looking at him curiously. Evan couldn’t really formulate the words to tell her the way she was sitting now and the way she was biting her lip—he really needed to tell her that when she does that, he loses it every single time—was making things simultaneously feel so good but also worse for his composure. 

“Evan, is everything okay?” Zoe asks softly, climbing off him, kneeling next to him instead. 

“Um, y-yes. You did something and it felt n-nice and I wasn’t expecting it, th-that’s all,” Evan tells her, stuttering for a whole different reason than he normally does, “Also, wh-when you bite your lip like that, I don’t even think you r-realize you’re doing it, it makes me f-feel things. Good things. Makes me w-want to kiss you more.” 

Zoe’s face was still red, so Evan couldn’t really tell a new blush was forming, but Zoe leans in closer to him, looking him straight in the eyes and deliberately bites her lip. Evan takes that as a cue to continue, and rolls them so that Zoe was underneath him, and kisses her once more, very lightly biting her bottom lip as they break apart. And this time it’s Zoe who lets out an involuntary moan of her own. And that makes Evan smile down at her. 

It’s Evan who begins playing with the hem of her shirt, looking up for her approval. Zoe nods and sits up while Evan sits back, slowly dragging her shirt with him, tossing it carelessly aside like he had the night before. And Evan was maybe wrong earlier, because seeing is also just as nice as feeling and Zoe is an incredible sight. But before doing anything else, Evan pulls off his own shirt, flinging it off the bed too, and he knows it was a good call by the way Zoe was smiling and faintly raking her nails across his now exposed chest. 

Evan takes the lead again, placing one hand back on her waist and using the other to push her back down to the bed, before kissing her again. They can both feel the heat of each other’s skin touching and Zoe thought she liked the feeling of it before, but it’s way better without any clothing between them. She uses a little force to pull Evan closer to her and rethreads her hands into his hair. 

He probably didn’t want to be too heavy on top of her, but she really did like the pressure of him pressed up against her. Evan lets himself sink a little bit and start to kiss down Zoe’s body again. He stops at her sternum and looks up to her again, once again asking if it was okay for him continue. Zoe nods her head yes and tries to roll her hips again and feels Evan shiver against her as she does it. But it doesn’t distract him from his task as he slowly placed feather-light kisses down her body. Seeing the top of Evan’s head moving lower and lower, is doing things to her she didn’t know were possible. And she really doesn’t want him to stop, wants him to keep going lower actually. But Evan stops at her hips, kissing the points of her hip bones, before trailing a new path back up her body.

When Evan is back up beside her, she notices he looks a little hesitant about something, which makes her ask again, “Is everything okay Evan?”, gently placing both of her hands on his face, so that he had to look at her.

“Yeah, but um, could we stop here for now? I want to keep going, but, um we haven’t talked about like protection, and I don’t want us to have to think about that, when we do go further, like I don’t want to get too carried away that we forget,” Evan tells her somewhat sheepishly. 

“Evan that’s very smart. And I did want to keep going too, but I hadn’t really thought about that,” Zoe says, very happy that she was experiencing all these things with someone who cared and loved her enough to keep both of them safe. But she did not like that Evan looked a little embarrassed by asking her to stop. That wasn’t okay.  
*******

“Ev, it’s fine to stop. I don’t love you any less for asking for what you need. You’re keeping both of us safe and that makes me love you even more. Please don’t ever feel bad or worried about asking for stuff like that, you’re important too. That’s what you always tell me, so you have to believe it too,” Zoe tells him, sitting up and kissing him softly. She didn’t want to reignite anything, but really wanted to show him that she was totally fine. Evan nods along with her, and Zoe thinks he’s believing the things she was saying. 

To further the gesture, Zoe gets out of bed and grabs their shirts from the ground. She raises Evan’s arms up and slips his shirt back over his head, kissing him again, when his head comes through. She hands him her shirt, and Evan does the exact same thing for her, and then pulls her into a tight hug and kisses her cheek lovingly. He literally could not believe how wonderful Zoe was and that she had chosen him to share these experiences with. Exploring new boundaries dealing with physical intimacy was exciting but also kind of terrifying, it was something Evan had always thought he would struggle with, letting himself be close to someone like this. But Zoe makes all his worries fade away, makes everything lean towards exciting and fun, the way it should be. And when it was the right time, they’d know, and both of them would make that decision.

Evan holds up the covers letting Zoe nestle in underneath, before joining her and cuddling up behind her, placing one more kiss on the back of her neck and wrapping his arm around her middle. As much as everything they’d just been doing felt good and fun and new, Evan liked doing smaller things too. Snuggling into Zoe made him feel safe and loved and that was just as important. They’re still not really that tired, so they end up talking well into the morning about many different things, some important like, protection and who would get it (they’d both go) and some silly lik,e the comedy podcast Evan had been listening to recently, until both of them fall asleep curled into one another, feeling more in love than they’ve ever been. 

==

The next morning Evan lets both of them sleep in a little bit, turning his alarm to snooze multiple times. He was willing to sacrifice actually eating breakfast in order to snuggle more into Zoe, and he knew Zoe wouldn’t care either. One of her favorite things was sleeping in. But Evan eventually gets them up and hustles them out the door faster than they normally would so they wouldn’t be late. 

They manage to get through their morning classes without falling asleep in class, which is actually impressive because they were incredibly boring and both Evan and Zoe were tired. So when the bell rings for lunch, they’re both thankful for an hour outside of class. Evan meets Zoe by her locker, like normal, greeting her with a kiss to the cheek, making Zoe smile. 

“Hey Evan, do you care if we sit alone today? I don’t really feel like dealing with anyone right now,” Zoe tells him, lacing their hands together and closing her locker door. 

Evan had no problem being with only her. He liked her friends and he liked sitting with Jared, but sometimes it was nice to just be alone together at school. Check back in with each other. So he’s smiles at her and replies, “Nope, not at all. I was thinking the same thing actually”, starting to pull her towards the door. 

They find a grassy area that wasn’t already inhabited by students and sit down facing each other, their knees touching. They start eating their lunch (they had packed the same thing) and casually talk about their morning classes. Evan tells her about the packet his third period teacher assigned and Zoe tells him about the new history project her teacher had told them about. It’s light and fun, but Evan knows something’s up when Zoe sets down her Cheez-Its and grabs her phone instead. 

“Zo, you okay?”, Evan asks her, rather concerned because her attention didn’t usually stray from her favorite cheese crackers, so something must be bothering her.

“I was thinking about Connor this morning, and I think I should text him now,” Zoe tells him, tapping the sides of her phones anxiously like she had done the night before. 

Evan reaches over and moves one of her hands from her phone, intertwining his own with it, before saying, “I think that’s a good idea. Do you have a time in mind that you want to see him?” 

“I think today would probably be the best, don’t you think? I can skip jazz band, so we can go right after school. And if he really does get to leave tomorrow, it’ll probably be while we’re at school, so today’s really it,” Zoe says, the look on her face making it seem like she was rationalizing maybe just a little bit too hard, trying to convince herself that today was the only option. 

“If that’s what you really want to do Zo. You can stay with me for a few more days and see how you feel, that’s okay too,” Evan tells her, rubbing her shoulder reassuringly with his other hand. 

“No, I really do think today would be good. Because I was also maybe thinking about inviting them to my show on Thursday. Do you think that’s a good idea?” Zoe questions, making Evan wonder if that was the real reason she was feeling a little on edge, but he wasn’t quite convinced.

“Your family? Connor too?”, Evan asks to clarify and when Zoe nods, he continues, “Of course, I think that’s a good idea. You’re an incredible performer. They should be able to see you in all of your glory,” Evan tells her, making Zoe blush just a little. She knew she was talented, but it was still kind of weird to accept the compliments, even from Evan. 

“There’s a couple of songs that I’ve been working, that I want them to hear. It’s so much easier to talk about how I feel through songs than actually talking,” Zoe explains, and Evan totally understands that. He’d always wished he had a better outlet for explaining his feelings. Not knowing exactly how to describe what he was feeling had gotten him into difficult situations many times. 

“Well, I can’t wait to hear them,” Evan tells her, leaning over their laps to kiss her cheek, making Zoe giggle happily, “Your music is such a big part of who you are and means so much to you. I think they’ll really see that if they get to watch you up there.” 

“I hope so,” Zoe says, dropping her phone and grabbing one of Evan’s hoodie strings to fiddle with, another habit she’d picked up from him. Evan thought it was endearing though, much cuter when she did it, rather than when he did. And she looked excited about performing, but underneath that Evan could tell she was still feeling nervous. He knew Zoe didn’t really play in front of her parents and especially not in front of Connor. He thinks they’ve been to a couple of jazz band concerts from the school, but that’s really it. It made sense that she might be nervous.

“So what are you going to text him?” Evan asks her, gently covering her hand that was playing with his hoodie and interlacing it to match the others. He was hoping all her anxiety was wrapped up in that, and not actually about seeing her family again.

“Well since I don’t know if my mom has given him his phone back, I have to text her phone. So I was thinking maybe just that I’ll be there after school? I can’t really say more than that, without her knowing and trying to pry,” Zoe says tensing up a little bit, squeezing his hands in the process.

“What if you just text ‘Connor with a question mark’, and see if he texts back? If not, then you can go with just telling him, but if he somehow has your mom’s phone, maybe you could talk a little more,” Evan offers, trying to make her reaching out a little easier, to take some of the pressure of off her to plan it all, and bear the thought that her mom could be interfering with her and Connor’s very rocky relationship. 

“I think that’s really good actually Ev,” Zoe tells him, dropping his hands to pick her phone back up and quickly types out the text Evan had suggested before grabbing one of his hands again. She moves to beside him, making it easier for them both to see her phone if or when Connor texted back.

Not even a minute later, Zoe’s phone is vibrating with an incoming text, and Evan definitely notices the way her hand shakes a little while trying to open the text. 

**11:46 A.M. Mom:** Yeah it’s Connor

“Evan what do I say now?”, Zoe asks him, looking a lot more anxious than she had been even moments ago. 

“How about asking him if today is okay for him?” Evan suggests, wrapping his arm around her comfortingly, wishing there was more he could do. Zoe nods and slowly types out,

**11:49 A.M. Zoe Murphy:** Can I come see you today? 

Zoe takes a deep breath and hits send, leaning into Evan a little more, and he can feel that she’s still shaking, which is really starting to worry him. He’d never seen her like this before, and after this weekend, he kind of thought he’d seen everything.

Zoe jumps when she gets the next text from Connor and Evan pulls her tighter to him, and starts making small circles on her back, one of the things he knew she liked. He really didn’t like that she was so shaken up about this meeting. He considers telling her she should wait, but she had seemed very sure when she told him earlier. Evan can see her screen and sees Connor wrote back, 

**11:51 A.M. Mom:** Yeah I dont have anything better to do 

Evan is immediately concerned about the apparent coldness of the text and he knows Zoe is too. He knew Connor didn’t ever really think about the texts he sent in the way Evan or Zoe did, always a lot more cavalier about the way he wrote things. But he wasn’t sure if Zoe knew that, it’s not like Zoe and Connor had a long history of texting each other.

“Evan, I’m scared. What if this is actually a really bad idea? What if I go and he just starts yelling at me again? What if it makes everything worse? What if he was just waiting for our parents to be out of the room and he threatens to kill me again?”, Zoe says frantically, looking up at him, completely panicked, tears welling in her eyes, breathing way too fast. And for the first time ever, Evan can hear the lisp in her voice, something he knew only came out when she was extremely upset.

Evan should have said something earlier when he noticed her escalating, letting the panic seep in. He shouldn’t have brushed it off as just nerves about performing. He knew the signs and those were just the ones he could see from the outside, she was probably feeling a lot worse on the inside. He understood from experience exactly what she was feeling. But he needed to be calm right now, and help her through this, the same way she did when he was having an attack. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Zo, it’s okay,” Evan tells her softly, gently pulling her into his lap, letting her arms drape around his neck, he didn’t really care that they were at school. He keeps telling her short affirming words, going back and forth between rubbing her back and running his hands through her hair and leaving little kisses on her forehead and hairline. He knows her fears are valid, Connor had done all those things to her in the past. She had every right to think he would do them again. But, she hadn’t been there yesterday. He doesn’t think any of those things were going to happen. Connor was different; something in him had changed. Evan really did believe when Zoe and Connor talked it would be good. Not easy. Not without its challenges. But good for both of them. 

Evan waits until he feels her breathing slow down just enough, and her head is against his chest, but he knows she’ll be able to hear what he’s actually saying, “Zo, it’s okay to be scared. I was yesterday too. But if we played the what if game, everything would keep getting scarier and scarier. I do it enough to know it’s not worth it. Dr. Sherman always tells me it’s like forcing yourself to go through the worst outcome twice if you only think of the bad ones. We only need to live through it once, and we’ll be together the whole time. Then we’ll deal with what ever happens in the best way that we can. How does that sound?”

Evan can feel her nodding her head against him, but she doesn’t move away, stays clinging to him, so Evan just continues comforting her tactilely, suddenly thinking of an exercise he sometimes does with Dr. Sherman, and offers, “Maybe we could play the what if game actually. But I’m going to suggest some things that could go right. Would that be okay?”

Zoe just nods again, still not ready to talk just yet, but Evan can also feel her breathe start to even out, which he knows is a good sign, so he goes on, “What if Connor is just really bad at texting and doesn’t realize the way his message came off? What if he’s actually really excited and nervous to talk to you too? What if this turns out to be a really good healing moment for you guys? What if this is the chance you both have been waiting for?” 

Zoe finally looks up at him, propping her head on his shoulder, and Evan is glad to see that the tears in her eyes, never actually fell, he hated seeing her cry, it happened way too often. 

“You know I love you right?” Zoe asks him, her voice a lot steadier than it had been previously, her breathing almost back to normal as well. 

“Yeah, I do. It’s pretty much the only thing I know for sure,” Evan tells her, kissing the top of her nose, and pulling her in close again before asking her, “Hey Zoe, do you want me to send him a time? You don’t have to, he knows we’re coming, but maybe then he might try to shoo away your parents.” 

Zoe just nods against him again, so Evan grabs her phone from where it had fallen into the grass, unlocks it and types, 

**12:07 P.M. Zoe Murphy:** I’ll be there after school

Then he tosses the phone away again, wrapping his arms back around her, they didn’t need to deal with any planning anymore. Evan knows Zoe still isn’t all the way through her anxiety attack, she was through the worst of it, but he knows that it takes a while to truly feel calm again, and he wanted to get her to that point. Well, he knew she’d probably be anxious until she talked to Connor, but he wanted to make sure she didn’t have another full-blown anxiety attack today.

He keeps her close to him for the rest of lunch and never stops touching her. They don’t really say anything, but they don’t really need to. At one point someone glances over to them and Evan glares at them with the meanest look he can muster until they look away. He wasn’t going to let some stranger stare at Zoe while she was upset. Absolutely not. Not on his watch. 

By the time the bell rings, Zoe is feeling better, but looks very tired, and Evan is pretty sure it wasn’t because they stayed up late. Evan considers taking her to the nurse’s office to sleep off the next two periods, but he doesn’t. Because he knows they’d call her parents and Zoe definitely didn’t want that. Instead, he keeps her tucked into his side as they walk to class, checking in by squeezing her hand and waiting for her to squeeze back. The closer it got to seeing Connor the worse it was going to get for Zoe, but she didn’t have to weather it alone. He was there and always would be. 

==

Their next two classes pass quickly, and Evan keeps a watchful stance over Zoe. Nothing particularly exciting happened in their biology class, or so Evan thinks, he was mainly watching her to make sure she was okay, and he really hated that they weren’t in the same sixth period class either. But by some grace of god, Evan’s teacher lets them out a few minutes early and he’s able to make it to Zoe’s classroom right as the final bell rings. They usually met by one of their lockers, but if there was any day that they needed to meet sooner, it was today. 

Evan waits to see Zoe’s familiar figure and lets himself calm down a bit when Zoe sees him and smiles at him, quickly making her way to him through the hordes of students. She still looked worn-out, but Evan knows she has every right to feel like everything was too much. He pulls her into a hug as soon as she’s close enough to him and Zoe holds on to him tightly. Evan doesn’t let go until she does, but keeps his arm around her shoulders, wanting her to be closer than if they were just holding hands. Zoe keeps her arm around his waist as they walk to her locker. It was a comforting way to walk, and Evan thinks they needed to do it more often.

Evan can tell Zoe’s stalling a little bit, switching out things in her locker ever so slowly, and pulling him towards an alternative exit from the building, making them take the long way to the parking lot. Evan lets her do whatever she needs, trying his best to reassure her without really bringing up that he knew she was still very anxious, including kissing the top of her head, and squeezing her shoulder gently. By the time they’re to her car, Zoe’s still on edge, prompting Evan to ask, “Do you want me to drive Zo?”

Zoe shakes her head “yes” and hands Evan her keys, walking slowly over to the passenger side. Evan matches her pace, not wanting it to seem like he was rushing her. But when they do get inside, Evan grabs the aux cord and plugs in his phone before Zoe, definitely confusing her by the look on her face. They pretty much only ever chose things from Zoe’s playlists.

“I made a playlist of songs that remind me of you. It’s not done yet, but I thought maybe you’d want to hear it?”, Evan tells her, blushing just a little. He had wanted to surprise her later on and send the whole thing to her, but he thinks she could use it a little more now.

Zoe’s eyes are shining with so much love for him, that she looks like she might start crying, but she doesn’t, instead leans over the console and kisses him sweetly, pulling back to say, “Yeah, absolutely.”

Evan hits shuffle and they don’t talk for the entire drive to the hospital. He wanted so badly to explain his every thought about each song and why they reminded him of her, but he didn’t. He could ramble on later, right now he just wanted her to absorb the lyrics and get her mind off what was going to happen when they saw Connor. She seems to appreciate it and Evan watches her reactions to each song out of the corner of his eye as he drove them. 

When Evan eventually finds a parking space, there’s only a few songs left, so he turns the car off, but immediately starts the music up again from his phone. Zoe shoots him a thankful glance and reaches over to grab his hand, squeezing it in appreciation. 

When the final song comes to a close, Zoe turns to Evan and whispers, “Thank you Evan. That was exactly what I needed.” 

“You’re exactly what I need,” Evan tells her, even though he knows it’s kind of cheesy. He leans over to kiss her again, and when they break apart, he thinks Zoe might finally be ready to go inside. 

Evan locks her car as they start walking towards the entrance, holding tightly on to her shaking hand, guiding them both in the direction of Connor’s room. When they can see the doorway of Connor’s room down the hall, Zoe stops suddenly, yanking Evan back to her. 

Evan knows she’s just scared, probably thinking everything she thought at lunch. He’s not exactly sure what he should do but he thinks offering her an out might be the best. Zoe’s currently looking at the ground, so he tilts her chin up and tucks her hair back behind her ear and softly says, “You don’t have to do this Zo. We can leave right now if you want to. Do this another time, or never.” 

Zoe takes a deep breath and looks Evan right in the eye, squeezes his hand again and tells him, “No. I can do this. It’s like you said, what if this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. What if everything goes right.” 

Evan just smiles at her, proud of her for being brave. He’s pretty sure if the situation were reversed, that he wouldn’t be anywhere close to being where she was. He squeezes her hand one more time, as if to say, “You ready?” and Zoe faintly squeezes back, so Evan starts guiding her to the doorway. Zoe has to be the one to open it though, so they stand there for a few more minutes until she actually does it. 

Waiting inside is Connor. Alone. Sitting up in bed, reading a book. And Zoe is taken completely by surprise. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she didn’t think she’d see something so _Connor_. The brother she remembered. The one who would stay up late to read with her when they were little. The one who held her hand as they crossed the street to go to a bookstore while their mom went to the post office. The Connor she knew loved to read and she hadn’t seen him do it (for fun or whatever, like obviously she knew he read things) in years. It makes her feel the smallest amount better. 

Evan also notices that Connor looks even better than yesterday. Healthier. And it looked like he’d showered and combed his hair. Evan felt like maybe it was him putting in some effort to see Zoe, he wasn’t sure, but he’d go with that. Evan looks over to Zoe who was just staring at Connor. She hadn’t immediately fled, so that was probably a good thing. And she wasn’t gripping on to his hand quite so tight anymore. But they both were still awkwardly standing mostly in the doorway, hesitant to venture any further, with good reason. 

“Hi,” Zoe says quietly to Connor, and Evan can feel her hand shaking just the tiniest bit, so he starts rubbing his thumb back and forth, a small gesture of comfort. It’s not like he could wrap her up in a hug or kiss her at the moment because that would definitely make things way too weird.

“Why is Evan here? I thought we were going to talk?”, Connor asks, not exactly coldly, but harsh enough to put Zoe on edge again. Evan can feel it and see it in her body language. It’s making him second guess everything he told her. Maybe Connor really did just want to yell at her some more. But the more logical side of Evan doesn’t really believe that, he just wished there were a way he could convey it to Zoe by more than just holding her hand. 

“Because I want him here. I thought we were going to talk too, but I can leave,” Zoe says, her words the same tone as Connor’s, challenging him to say something about it. Her hand was telling a different story though. She was gripping Evan’s so tight, that he wasn’t able to really able to move his thumb back and forth anymore. He knew she was terrified of the same thing he was. That he’d been wrong. She was putting on a brave front, trying not to show Connor how scared she was. 

“No, don’t leave. I guess Evan can stay,” Connor says reluctantly, looking between the two of them. It wasn’t a warm welcome but it was something, and knowing that they weren’t getting cast out again, makes Zoe relax a little more and Evan squeezes her hand, letting her know it’s okay, before going back to rubbing back and forth. 

Zoe takes a few timid steps further into the room, but she looks unsure where to go. There was the chair Cynthia normally was in, right next to Connor’s bed and the slightly bigger chair that her and Evan had been sharing the last time they were here together. Evan sees her hesitancy and take the initiative, dropping her hand momentarily to move the bigger chair next to Connor’s bed as well. Zoe very well couldn’t sit in Evan’s lap for this. If Evan thought hugging would set Connor off, then lap-sitting would definitely not be acceptable. 

Zoe takes a seat, pushing the chair a little further back than it had been, and immediately reaches for Evan’s hand once more. Evan gladly takes it and squeezes it again reassuringly. 

When they’re settled, Evan looks to Connor and notices him staring at his and Zoe’s interlaced hands. He’s got an odd look on his face but doesn’t say anything to either of them. He hadn’t really acknowledged Evan at all, but Evan didn’t care all that much. Their conversation from yesterday was still fresh and Connor was prepping to have another emotionally charged conversation with Zoe. Evan was probably the least of his worries. 

The three of them sit there awkwardly for a bit, neither Zoe nor Connor really knowing what to say or how to start. Evan really wants to say something because the silence was killing him, but he knows it’s not his place. He’d gotten the chance to talk to Connor yesterday and now it was Zoe’s turn and most of what she had to say had nothing to with him. 

Much to Evan’s surprise and probably to Zoe’s, it’s Connor who speaks first, his tone no longer cold, but filled with sincerity, as he looks right at Zoe and says, “I’m sorry.”

Zoe’s looking at Connor, but she doesn’t respond, she just nods at him, subtly encouraging him to continue. One singular “I’m sorry” with no context was not going to cut it. Connor had a lot to apologize for. 

Connor seems to understand what she was asking of him and takes a deep breath before continuing, “I’m sorry I pulled away from you. You were just doing so well without me, and I, and I couldn’t handle it. It hurt so much knowing that you’d be okay when we were apart, and I wouldn’t be. I thought the best way to deal with everything was to keep you so far away, to tell myself that you were, were awful and deserved it for leaving me. I don’t really know when telling myself to hate you became actively making your life harder. But I don’t hate you, far from it.” 

“But I tried so hard Connor. To include you. To be there for you when I could see you were struggling. But you just pushed me away. I tried Connor, but it became too hard to keep it up. It was better for me to just avoid you, I couldn’t handle what you were doing to me either,” Zoe says tearfully. Evan wants nothing more than to hold her close to him, remove her from the situation that was making her upset, but he knew what they were saying was important. He couldn’t fix everything for her no matter how much he wants to. All he can do is squeeze her hand, silently asking if she was okay. Her shaky squeeze back lets him know she was doing okay. 

“I know you tried. It’s what made it so hard to keep doing it to you,” Connor tells her, looking back down at his blanket the way he had when Evan had confronted him too. 

“But you did keep doing it. You threatened to kill me Connor. You just came home one day and started terrorizing me. Chased me into my bedroom and almost broke the door down. Do you know how hard it was to live with you? Thinking, what if this is the time he actually does it? What if Dad is too slow and Connor breaks the lock? Do you know how that felt?”, Zoe tells him, her voice deep and throaty, and Evan knows she’s seconds away from sobbing. 

“I was high,” Connor tells her and both Evan and Zoe shoot him a look of inadequacy, the first time Evan’s really looked away from Zoe this whole time. Connor bows his head again and explains further, “I know that’s not an excuse, but I was using them to feel more in control, but they just made everything worse. I honestly don’t even remember doing that to you.” 

“Yeah, well I remember it Connor. And it’ll probably haunt me for a long time. And I vividly remember you coming after me and Evan. We both know that what you did to Evan was meant for me. Would you have really hurt me like that if Evan hadn’t stepped in?” Zoe says finally letting her tears fall, gripping tightly onto Evan’s hand. Evan decides he doesn’t really care what Connor thinks, so he gently breaks his and Zoe’s hands apart, swapping in his other hand and using the one that was closest to her to start rubbing her back. Connor looks both uncomfortable at the sight of their affection and Zoe sobbing freely. But more so, he looks incredibly guilty that he ever made Zoe feel that way. 

“I, I, I don’t know Zo. I wasn’t lying when I told Evan it was like I blacked out. I wasn’t at all in control and I was just so angry at the both of you. It was just one more thing that I had convinced myself you’d taken from me. Like why did you get to have the one person who could’ve been mine? I had staked so much on getting back together with Evan, that the sight of you two together, just like I dunno, made me snap, but I’m sorry I made you feel like that” Connor tells her, his voice remorseful, like he really did mean what he was saying. 

“I didn’t take him from you, it wasn’t like that. Besides Evan’s not just something you can call ‘dibs’ on or whatever. No matter what he means to you, he gets to make his own decisions,” Zoe says, still crying but focusing more on Connor’s fixation to Evan than his apology. They were talking like he wasn’t sitting extremely close to Zoe and like two feet away from Connor. It was making him kind of uncomfortable; it was almost like they’d forgotten he was there. But maybe that was a good thing, so Evan doesn’t speak up, and shakes off feeling awkward and just continues to try and support Zoe. 

“I know that, and I shouldn’t have thought of him as mine, but everything was so overwhelming. And I never feel not overwhelmed. But I’m going to work on it because I am sorry Zoe, I am. And I know sorry doesn’t cover it. Nothing I say will actually ever really be enough,” Connor pauses to look at Zoe again, she wasn’t sobbing anymore, but he could see she was still shaking, leaning on Evan to get through this. He shouldn’t have questioned Evan’s presence when they got here, it was clear she needed him.

Zoe’s sniffling, trying to get her tears under control, so Connor just continues saying, “I know it’s going to be a long time before we’re ever back to the place we were as kids, if we ever get there. And it’s going to take a lot on my part for you to gain my trust back. But I want that for us, I really do. I think showing you will be better than saying sorry a bunch of times. I usually just mess up words anyways.”

Zoe’s nodding her head along with what Connor’s saying and Evan thinks she believes in what he was saying, he does too. No one could possibly be faking Connor’s sincerity about making amends. But then she’s suddenly standing up, letting go of Evan’s hand, and Evan was confused. Was she going to leave? He thought the conversation was going fairly well, not easy, but things were being brought up that needed to be discussed before Connor or Zoe ever really recovered. 

Zoe surprises Evan and Connor both by stepping towards his bed and leans over to hug him. Evan can tell Connor wasn’t expecting it because he really doesn’t know where to put his hands and his face looks a little panicked, but he eventually gently sets them around Zoe too. 

The sight makes Evan smile because he never thought they’d be at this point together. That the person who had slapped his hand away from waving ‘hi’, who had bitched their whole relationship about how awful his sister was, who had just yesterday claimed her feeling upset over his attempt was fake for the sake of their parents, who couldn’t remember making her live in fear in her own home, and the person who had been affected the most by his hostility, but was still willing to let him back in, who still had so much love for him in their heart, were coming together. Hugging. Making an attempt to mend their relationship. It was kind of incredible to see. 

Seeing Connor and Zoe reunite was something Evan had wanted for so long. He’d always wanted Connor to just be nicer to her in general while they were dating, especially since Zoe had always been super nice to him as her brother’s boyfriend. Then when he found out how close they used to be and how badly Zoe wanted them to go back to that, he’d wanted it even more. His presence might have thrown a wrench into everything surrounding the Murphy siblings, but Evan thinks it still kind of helped in a way. He wasn’t really sure if they’d be at this point if Evan hadn’t been around. 

Zoe lets go of Connor and returns to her seat, scooting the chair back to its original spot closer to the bed, and she’s no longer crying. Evan reaches out to lace their hands together once more, pulling her as close as he can with the chair arms between them. He can feel her hand shaking still, but he doesn’t think it’s from being scared anymore, it was probably just her body’s way of dealing with everything. So Evan returns to rubbing her back and focuses on uplifting her once more.

“So, uh, Connor, do you want to come to my show on Thursday?”, Zoe asks quietly, using her free hand to wipe away the stray tears from her face. 

“You’re performing in a show? Like with your guitar?”, Connor asks her, simultaneously confused why she was asking him to go but also impressed that she was performing in a show. He didn’t really know that she still played even, it’d been years since she’d played in front of him. 

“Yeah, it started as just going to open mic night, but now I play a weekly show at Capitol Café. I really like it,” Zoe responds sheepishly, starting to play with Evan’s hand rather than just hold it, a sign that she was possibly calming down a bit. 

“You really want me there?”, Connor asks, suspicious that Zoe could really want him there, especially with their relationship so fragile. 

“Yeah, I do Con,” Zoe tells him quietly, looking him in eye. There was a song she’d been working on about Connor, and she didn’t want to play it to just him. Performing one on one was reserved only for Evan. 

Connor still looks a little wary about her invitation, so Zoe continues, “I was going to invite Mom and Dad too. They haven’t seen me play either.” 

“Are you going Evan?” Connor asks, fiddling once more with the threads of his blanket he’d been pulling yesterday. It was the first thing to be said directly to Evan this whole time and it takes him by surprise.

“Um, yeah, I’m always th-there when Zoe performs, she’s incredible” Evan says looking over to Zoe adoringly. He can’t really help it, the way he looks at her, especially when talking about Zoe performing. It was one of his most favorite things in the whole world. Zoe smiles back at him lovingly; her cheeks tinged a little red from his compliment.

Evan and Zoe are too focused on each other to see Connor’s small grimace at their interaction. It wasn’t like all of a sudden, he was going to be totally cool with them being together and being insufferably cute all the time, especially since they interacted in a way that Connor and Evan never did. 

Maybe intentionally or maybe out of genuine curiosity, Connor brings the attention back to his and Zoe’s relationship and asks her, “Zoe, are you going to be home when I come home tomorrow?” 

Zoe stops looking at Evan, but squeezes his hand, gearing herself up to answer Connor’s question and looks to him to say, “I haven’t really decided yet, but do you want me there?” 

“Yeah, I do. And I’m really sorry for making you leave earlier, forcing Mom and Dad to choose between us, when I knew what they were going to do. I’ve done it a lot, and I’m sorry,” Connor tells her, looking guilty again. Evan’s glad that Connor specifically apologized for this because he’d called Connor out on it yesterday, and he knew Connor did it often, remembering him saying “she should be used to being second by now”. 

Zoe nods her head accepting Connor’s apology, not only for what he did Saturday, but for every time he’d made their parents choose him over Zoe. It wasn’t the same as her parents actually apologizing to her, Zoe was still waiting on that, but it felt kind of like closure. It would take her some time to process everything that Connor had said today, and they would both have to actively work together to truly be together again, but now they had a foundation to stand on. Evan had been right, and she was really glad she’d listened to him, this was the chance they needed, and they had for forever to build back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe and Connor are on their way towards being sibling BFFs again! They felt a little harder to write than Evan and Connor or Evan and Zoe, so I hope it came across good. So I'm thinking this story will only have one more chapter and an epilogue per my outline. But who knows maybe I'll end up with a sequel or some oneshots or something in the future! So next chapter will be Zoe and Evan re-adjusting to Connor being in their lives and will have Zoe's show! Stay Tuned!


	19. Cause I'd Be Happy For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe has her first solo show and Connor makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone!!!! 
> 
> Boy is this emotional. This is the last real chapter for this story and I kind of can't believe it. This started as a little tiny seed in my head thinking what if someone wrote a story that's so typical TreeBros (Evan and Zoe are dating then he starts hanging out with her moody brother and they fall in love) but flipped the switch. I outlined a 15 chapter story that I thought would be like 1.5-2K words apiece, a fast fun write and it became so much more than that. I'm incredibly proud of this work and incredibly thankful for every single person who's followed along, is reading for the first time, left any comments or kudos or anything else. Everyone has been so supportive during this journey and it just makes me really happy. There will be an epilogue, so we're not quite done yet, but it's all fluff :) because I can't control myself. 
> 
> As for this chapter, there are four songs during Zoe's show, which I know is a lot of lyrics and not a lot of story, but I really do think the songs make sense and each one represents Zoe's thoughts on each character (herself, Evan, Connor, and her parents), so please bear with it! Also Evan's pretty flirty in this chapter and I don't know where that came from all of a sudden, but I think it's cute. 
> 
> So thank you once again for everything! Happy Reading!

Zoe and Connor had years’ worth of stories and things to make up for, but the thought of starting right that second was way too intimidating, but Zoe wanted to stay and talk at least a little about something that wasn’t so emotionally intense. Zoe shoots Evan a look after the conversation stalls for a second, begging him to say something. Evan gets what she’s trying to tell him, but he’s not exactly known for being a conversationalist and he can’t think of anything except to blurt out the first tree fact that came to his head, “Did you guys know th-there’s a pinecone that’s like 5,000 years old and st-still alive?” 

Both Connor and Zoe look at Evan with the exact same twinkle in their eyes and let out a fit of giggles, and unlike the last time Evan remembers Connor laughing around him, he’s positive neither Zoe nor Connor are laughing _at_ him. Somehow this random fact was exactly what they needed to break the tension, so Evan joins in laughing with them.

“Evan it’s not nice to call Ms. Babit a pinecone,” Connor quips back, causing the three of them to burst out laughing again until they’re breathless. Zoe had forgotten how funny Connor could be when he wasn’t directing his digs at her. She does think it’s funny how much Connor dislikes his French teacher, even though he’s very good at French, which reminds her of the book he was reading when they got there, prompting her to say, “You know Connor, for someone who hates their French teacher, you’re really good at it. The title of that book is in French, have you read the English version too?” 

“Yeah, I’ve read _The Little Prince_ so many times, it’s one of my favorite books. It was written in French, so some of the translations are off in the English version, so I prefer the French one,” Connor says like it’s no big deal he can read and understand something in a different language even though he’s blushing a little at the compliment. 

“Actually, I think I remember you reading it to me when we were little. You carried it around with you until the cover fell off and you were so distraught you tried to glue it back on,” Zoe tells him, smiling fondly at the memory. Evan loves watching her think of a happier time with her brother and he can totally imagine a baby Connor gluing pages of a book together. 

“Yeah and I got in so much trouble for touching mom’s hot glue gun and I like totally ruined the copy further. Mom got me a new one for my birthday that year though and I got the French one like freshman year at that old vintage store on Fifth Street,” Connor says pulling the book into his lap to thumb through it, avoiding watching Evan trace little stars on Zoe’s wrist. 

“I love that store! They have an awesome records collection and the coolest vintage jewelry,” Zoe exclaims, surprised that she and Connor had both frequented a store for years without knowing. 

“M-maybe we c-could all go sometime?”, Evan offers, looking back and forth between Zoe and Connor, thinking it could be an easy thing for them all to do in the future. A way to ease into this new dynamic. 

“That would be cool,” Zoe replies good naturedly, squeezing Evan’s hand, but she doesn’t look at Evan, but instead is looking right at Connor to see his reaction to Evan’s suggestion. 

Connor is nodding his head slowly, a little apprehensive, then suddenly apologetic as if he remembered something important, saying, “Yeah and I probably owe you at least a couple records.” 

Evan can feel Zoe wince a little as she remembered what had happened to a good portion of her record collection. She’s no longer looking at Connor, but down at her and Evan’s intertwined hands, unsure what to say back to him. Evan restarts rubbing her back just a little, trying his best to comfort her. 

The conversation stalls again, Evan and Zoe feeling more awkward than before, only interacting with each other silently, with Connor looking away from them too. And Evan doesn’t have a tree fact to save them this time. Shocking both of them, it’s Connor who speaks again after the silence becomes a little too unbearable, saying, “I guess talking about music kind of, Zo could you tell me more about your show? Do you sing too? Or just like play? I don’t really know much.” 

Zoe looks relieved that the conversation has picked back up, and she doesn’t have to think back to that day more. That Connor was trying to ask her about something she liked. He was trying and that was really all Zoe needed. Zoe tentatively looks back up to Connor and answers, “Yeah, I usually play and sing. Sometimes my own songs, sometimes covers. I usually do like four to five if it’s just me or one to two if it’s open. It’s fun being up there alone, no ensemble to hide behind.” 

“Yeah it’s r-really awesome. T-the cr-crowd gets like really into it. I th-think you’ll have f-fun on Thursday,” Evan adds, trying to hype up both of them. It was a big deal that Connor said he’d come, and Evan wanted it to stay that way. 

“Well, I’m excited,” Connor says quietly, and Zoe gives him a small smile, glad they were back to a neutral ground. 

All the teens jump a little at the sound of Connor’s door opening, they’d completely forgotten about Cynthia and Larry and the fact they were in a hospital while they’d been talking. Larry was coming through the door and looks stunned to find Evan and Zoe in the room. Zoe was equally surprised that her mom wasn’t there too. She hadn’t left the hospital in almost a week. 

“Hey kiddos,” Larry says awkwardly, like a dad on TV who wasn’t sure what to call his almost full-grown children, “What’s everyone up to? Zoe, Evan, what are you two doing here?”

“We were just talking to Connor,” Zoe says exasperatedly, like wasn’t it pretty obvious what they were doing? Larry can sense that Zoe was still rather upset with him and Cynthia based on her tone. 

“Do you guys want to stick around? Your mom will be back soon, we could order dinner or something,” Larry suggests, wanting to keep his kids around a little longer. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Zoe and Connor just talking. 

“Where’s mom right now?”, Zoe questions, gripping on to Evan’s hand a little tighter. Evan’s not really sure if Zoe even wants the answer to that question, even though she asked it. 

“She went home, to arrange Connor’s room, do some laundry, that sort of thing,” Larry answers, finally stepping all the way into the room and closing the door behind him. 

Evan sees Zoe roll her eyes at that, because of course Cynthia was at their house, prepping for _Connor_ to come home, when neither of her parents had even reached out to her yet about also returning home tomorrow. She told Connor she would, so she is going to, but it would be nice if either of her parents cared or made an attempt to find out if she wanted to. Evan squeezes her hand one more time and feels Zoe squeeze back, a mute “I’m okay, just annoyed” as she stared her dad down. 

Connor knows Zoe and Evan weren’t going to stay long enough for Cynthia to return and he can see how annoyed Zoe looks and the way she was scooting closer into Evan, clearly uncomfortable now that one of their parents were there. But he sees an opportunity here, a chance to show Zoe that he was willing to try and push their parents toward her a little more. He looks over to Larry, ignoring the question that he’d asked and says, “Hey Dad, Zoe was telling me about her show on Thursday. We should all go as a family and support her.” 

Zoe shoots Connor an appreciative look, she was going to ask her parents tomorrow, but Connor had taken that weight off of her. And it was probably more likely that they’d listen to something that Connor wanted, at least for the next few weeks while he was still recovering. 

“Well, the thing is…well it would be great for us all to go and I know we’d love to, but I don’t think going this week is a good idea. It’ll be your first full day out of the hospital and it just seems like a lot for you,” Larry says, not even looking at Zoe, but at Connor, so he misses the way Zoe’s face falls and she somehow gets even closer to Evan. She hadn’t expected her dad to flat-out say no to seeing her perform. Her mom she could see making excuses as to why it was a bad idea, but her dad was usually pretty supportive of her music. It hurt more than it should have, and Connor sees it on Zoe’s face, so he tries again, more assertive this time, “I’m going. I already promised Zoe I’d be there and I’m not breaking that promise.” 

Evan watches as Zoe’s eye light up at her brother defending her, something she definitely wasn’t used to, and as sneaky as he can, he kisses her cheek lovingly, trying to cheer her up even more. Larry looks shocked too at Connor’s declaration, it must have been some talk his two kids had. 

Larry takes a deep breath and finally looks over to Zoe, and then back to Connor, relenting saying, “I’ll talk to your mom about it more, but we’ll all go as a family.” 

Zoe gets up from her chair, drops Evan’s hand and leans over once more to hug Connor again, whispering “thank you” in his ear before pulling away. She reaches for Evan’s hand again and gently pulls him up to standing. Zoe faces Larry again, who is once more astonished that his children were hugging, and tells him, “Me and Evan can’t stay, we have plans,” before leading both of them out of the room. She pauses outside the room, and turns back to wave at Connor, and Evan follows her lead, and Connor waves back at them, a small smile on his face. Zoe explicitly doesn’t wave at Larry, so Evan doesn’t either, and they walk out together, closing the door behind them again. 

Zoe ends up driving instead of Evan once they get back to her car, but she ends up asking Evan to put that playlist back on for the drive to his house. Evan happily obliges and kisses her cheek while plugging in the aux cord. He knew she was annoyed and hurt by her parents once again, but that was just the top layer to what she was feeling. Her and Connor had made some serious progress, but Evan knew it was exhausting to be that vulnerable. 

Evan sets his hand gently on her shoulder soothingly since he didn’t want her to take a hand off the wheel and he feels her lean into his touch. She’d been through so much, just including today and he wants to do something nice for her, but he doesn’t quite know what, so he asks her, “Hey Zo, since it’s your last night with me and today’s been, just like a lot, maybe we could do something special?” 

Zoe stops at the red light and takes Evan by surprise by kissing him and doesn’t pull away until the light turns green, replying cutely, “Evan, any time we spend together is special, even if it’s just watching TV on your couch. And honestly, that’s kind of all I want to do. I’m really tired and just want to be with you.” 

Evan smiles at her and nods understandingly. They had started the day tired, and that was just physically, so Evan wouldn’t be surprised if Zoe passed out the second that they went to bed. But he still wanted to do _something_ nice, so he offers, “I could make dinner and you could take a bath or something in my mom’s room, that’s like a relaxing thing right? I think she has those fizzy things too.” 

Zoe just smiles at him, laughing sweetly at his adorable proposal, and she has to admit that did sound really nice. Against her better judgement, she takes one hand off the steering wheel and laces it with Evan’s, kissing the top of his hand, telling him, “That sounds perfect Ev,” then she adds playfully, “Maybe you can even join me in the bath,” wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

Evan knows she’s only teasing and not serious, but that doesn’t stop his face from turning bright red and his breath from hitching slightly; he probably wasn’t going to get that image out of his head for a while. And it was something that was definitely on the table for the future. Evan finally gets it together enough to respond, but they’re pulling around his corner and he can see his mom’s car in the driveway, meaning even if they wanted to do something like _that_ there was absolutely no way it was happening with Heidi in the house. 

Zoe sees Heidi’s car too, and she actually looks really happy to see that Heidi’s home. And honestly Evan is too. He’d wanted to fill in his mom since Sunday, but they hadn’t gotten a chance, and he wouldn’t mind making dinner for his mom either. Both her and Zoe deserved some pampering. Zoe parks right next to Heidi and her and Evan walk hand in hand inside, dropping their school bags in the doorway. 

Much to Evan’s dismay, his mom has already started cooking dinner, throwing off his whole plan, but he at least figured out what to say to get back at Zoe for teasing him in the car, whispering to her, “We’ll do dinner another time, along with your bath idea,” kissing her right below her ear. Evan’s correct that his ploy affects Zoe the way he wanted, because he can feel her shiver and can see a blush creeping onto her cheeks. Zoe swats at him playfully in retaliation and both of them end up laughing, getting Heidi’s attention from the kitchen. 

“Hey kids! They sent me home early tonight, so I thought we could have dinner together. Lasagna and garlic bread. Do you want to help? I feel like I haven’t seen you two in forever”, Heidi asks them, walking to hug them both simultaneously. 

“Heidi, we had coffee yesterday,” Zoe laughs, but holds on to her tightly, even letting go of Evan to give her a proper hug. 

“Well, I’m still allowed to miss you guys,” Heidi says cheerily, kissing both of their foreheads, making Zoe smile and Evan crinkle his nose up. Heidi’s greeting was surely different from Larry’s earlier at the hospital, but it made Zoe happy, so he was glad his mom was his mom. Zoe needed it.

Heidi sets Evan on making the garlic bread and has Zoe help her layer the lasagna, looking the other way when Zoe sneaks more cheese into each layer. They chat happily about little things, letting Heidi carry most of the conversation, not really cluing her in just yet to what they’d been up to the last two days. Zoe looked the happiest that she’d been all day, and Evan wasn’t going to ruin it by bringing up Connor or Zoe’s parents. 

It turns out Evan doesn’t have to bring it up because just as Heidi is putting the pan into the oven, Zoe’s phone rings and when she sees the caller ID, her face falls and Evan knows it’s one of her parents, probably her mom. Zoe excuses herself and walks into Evan’s room, closing the door behind her. 

“Evan is everything okay? I mean I talked to Zoe yesterday about some stuff, but did her parents finally talk with her?”, Heidi asks, concerned about the way Zoe’s face fell when she left the room. 

“So kind of a lot has, uh, happened since yesterday a-afternoon. Some good, um, and some could be better. I talked with C-Connor alone yesterday, and Zoe and I saw h-him again today. We’re all f-finally on the same p-page Mom, and it’s such a relief. Connor apologized to her and everything. And I’m so pr-proud of Zoe. She’s held herself t-together through everything that’s happened, and I know she’ll b-be okay,” Evan tells his mom, proud of himself for talking fairly easily with her, but still really unable to control his nervous energy, shifting his weight back and forth. 

“I feel like there’s a but coming,” Heidi says sadly, pulling Evan over to the bar stools to talk. 

“But, um, her parents, they d-don’t really know what they’re d-doing, I guess? They haven’t really tr-tried at all with her, they’re so f-f-focused on Connor. And yeah, Connor obviously needs them, but so d-does Zoe. Th-things were hard for her even before Connor’s attempt and they’re def-definitely not easier now. She told Connor she’d go h-home tomorrow to support him, but her p-parents haven’t even t-talked to her about it. Maybe that’s what the c-call was about,” Evan says, letting his head fall to his hands, clearly upset for Zoe.

Heidi doesn’t get a chance to respond because Zoe’s coming back from Evan’s room. She doesn’t look any more upset than when she left the kitchen, so Evan supposes that’s a good sign, but she doesn’t really look happy either, just okay-ish. Evan assumes her conversation probably went the same way all of them have gone with her parents in the last week. 

“Is everything okay love?”, Heidi asks Zoe as she comes back in joining her and Evan. The two barstools the Hansen’s have are currently occupied, and Zoe makes the decision to just sit on Evan’s lap wrapping her arms around his neck, much to his surprise. But he doesn’t hesitate at all wrapping his arms around her, making sure she couldn’t fall. Heidi just chuckles at them, especially at Evan’s blush, remembering what it was like to be seventeen and in love. 

“Yeah, I guess. That was my mom. My parents know I’m coming home tomorrow, probably from Connor. But my mom was asking about some things I might need to make coming home easier, so I guess they’re trying. But they haven’t apologized to me, and I think I just need to give that up. I don’t think they ever will,” Zoe says sadly, leaning into Evan. 

“That’s definitely a start, and always remember you can be here whenever you’d like. But they might honey. Maybe not right this instant, but they might. They probably feel guilty and don’t really know how to help either you or your brother. Parenting is hard, especially to teenagers,” Heidi tells her comfortingly, validating her feelings while also trying to give her a point of view from her parents. 

“But you’re so good at it Heidi,” Zoe says looking her in the eye, and Heidi can see the tears welling. Zoe does her best to blink back the tears, she’d done enough crying today, and even though it’s totally understandable that she’s upset, she’s just over it. 

Evan kisses her cheek as Heidi tells her, “Well then it’s a good thing I’m here,” giving her a very motherly side hug, kissing her forehead again. 

Zoe just nods in response as the oven timer goes off and Heidi goes to get their dinner out, telling Evan to grab the plates. Zoe hops off Evan’s lap, but not before he kisses her for real, not really caring that his mom was like ten feet away. When they break apart Zoe’s smiling again, and Evan knows she’ll be okay. She had him and Heidi to fall back on, and they’d always be there for her, no matter what. 

They sit at the table to eat and Heidi expertly changes the subject to something lighter, talking about the cute babies she saw on her shift today, making Evan and Zoe smile. Zoe talks about Heidi coming to see her perform whenever she could and Heidi promises she’ll make it work, sometime soon. Evan feels like he doesn’t have much to add, but he doesn’t feel left out, perfectly content to watch Zoe and his mom chat. 

Heidi suggests a movie after dinner is cleaned up and both teens readily agree, changing into comfier clothes before rejoining Heidi in the living room. Evan and Zoe snuggle up together on the couch, leaving Heidi to the armchair. She puts on some comedy movie, one her and Evan had been planning to watch for a while. Heidi is genuinely watching the movie, not particularly noticing what Evan and Zoe were up to, until she hears all this rustling around. Looking over to them, they’re both completely passed out, Zoe’s on her belly, lying directly on top of Evan, her head on his chest, Evan’s arms wrapped haphazardly around her waist. Heidi figures the rustling must have been Evan moving to lay on his back without disturbing Zoe. And she also thinks it’s the cutest thing she’s seen in a while and can’t miss the opportunity to eternalize it. Heidi creeps quietly to grab her phone out of her purse in the kitchen, returning to snap a picture of Evan and Zoe. These were the types of photos you show at weddings and anniversaries and she can’t wait to reveal this sweet moment to them later on in their lives, just knowing that these two would get to that point eventually. 

Heidi finishes the movie herself and lets the kids sleep as they were clearly exhausted. When it’s over, she shakes Evan awake gently, telling him to go to bed. Evan nods his head sleepily and realizes Zoe is still sleeping, and he really doesn’t want to wake her up, so he does his best to scoop her up and carry her to his room. Evan comes out one more time to blearily hug his mom, wishing her a good night and thanking her. And Heidi feels pretty lucky. She had two pretty spectacular kids in her life, and she couldn’t be happier that they had each other. 

==

School easily passes the next day for both of them, the only highlight was having lunch with Jared. They talked a little bit about Connor and how he was coming home today. Jared was bummed that he didn’t get a chance to go see him, but he suggests having a game night or movie at his house sometime next week. Evan was shocked at the offer since they never really hung out outside of school, only when their moms were doing something together. Evan thinks Jared might be a little more invested in Connor’s recovery and friendship for more _personal_ reasons. Evan tries to slyly look and see if Zoe thought that too, and she must have, because she’s readily agreeing and promising to talk to Connor about it tonight. Jared looks extremely pleased by that and Evan can’t help but to chuckle a little bit to himself, opting to not tease Jared the way he would have definitely teased Evan. 

Even though school was fine, it was after school when Evan started feeling a little nervous. Him and Zoe were going to his house to pack up the things she had brought over for the last couple of days. Evan knew it was selfish of him, but he really didn’t want her to leave. He liked being with Zoe all of the time and he’d gotten used to having her at an arm’s length at almost all times.

Evan’s deliberately going slow folding Zoe’s clothes, hoping to delay them further, and Zoe clearly notices, turning to him and asking, “Is everything okay Ev?”

“Yeah, I just don’t want you to leave,” Evan says letting a little bit of whine slip into his tone. He couldn’t really help it; he was going to miss her. 

Zoe gets up from packing things on the ground and wraps her arms around Evan’s neck, pulling him close, sinking into the feeling of his arms wrapping around her. She smiles up at him somewhat in awe, telling him, “It’s not forever Evan, and I’ll probably be back here at least a couple days a week. I can’t imagine that I’ll get home tonight and suddenly everything will be this picture-perfect version of a family. I’m going to need a break and it means everything to me that I have you. But the more I’m with my family, the more chances there is to try, you know?” 

Evan nods in understanding because logically he knew she was right, but he doesn’t say anything back, just slips his hands under her shirt, gently drawing little circles with his thumbs on her lower back. 

Zoe pulls him closer, laying her head on his chest, letting herself enjoy the feeling of _Evan_. She pulls back a little after a moment, looking up at him again as if she’d forgotten something important, and tells him, “And you can be at my parent’s house now too. Like you’re staying for dinner tonight and we don’t have any reason to stay away from my house. We don’t have to sneak around there anymore and that’s a good thing.” 

“Yeah, you’re right Zo. And I’m happy about all those things too, but,” Evan pauses, looking at her directly so she could see the mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“I also want you all to myself,” Evan says teasingly, picking her up, causing her to shriek playfully and wrap her legs around his waist. Evan spins her around a few times before plopping Zoe onto his bed and crawling up on top of her to kiss her. Zoe eagerly kisses him back, raking her hands through his hair, pulling him down closer to her, excited about where this was headed. They didn’t have to be at the Murphy’s right away, they could spend a little time having fun. 

Zoe makes the cutest whimper when Evan starts kissing down her jaw, which urges him to keep going all the way down her neck, stopping at the lowest point on the neckline of her shirt. Zoe keeps playing with his hair, tugging it the way she knew he liked. Evan slowly moves his way back up, capturing her lips once again. Zoe rolls her hips underneath Evan’s, enjoying the way she can feel him shudder against her, knowing that she was responsible for making him feel that way. 

Zoe slips her hands underneath Evan’s shirt, running them up and down his back as he continued to kiss her. Before she can even ask, Evan sits up and pulls his own shirt off, and doesn’t even miss a beat before kissing her once more. Not that Zoe minded. But she did want to even the playing field, so she pushes Evan up a bit so that she can sit up and take off her own shirt. Zoe smiles at the way Evan’s eyes light up looking at her. She’s wearing a dark purple bra with lots of lace on it, very different from the simple pink one she had the other day. The color makes her freckles stand out, and it’s the first time where the lighting has been good enough for Evan to see them properly, and he wants to kiss every single one of them. 

Evan doesn’t get a chance though because Zoe starts trailing little kisses down his chest, murmuring something about “fair’s fair” and he can’t really focus on anything else but the feeling of her being so close to him. Zoe makes her way back up, paying extra attention to the spot in between Evan’s collar bone and neck. Evan groans just a little, which makes Zoe smile, clearly, he was enjoying the things she was doing. 

Evan doesn’t know what his hands were doing before, but they weren’t touching Zoe back, and that wasn’t acceptable, so he starts grazing his hands up and down her sides as she continued to kiss him, loving how soft her skin was and the way she shivered at his touch. Evan lets his hands drift up, playing with the lacy band of Zoe’s bra. It was pretty, but Zoe was prettier, and Evan thought it was probably time for it to go. He pulls away from her to ask, “Is it okay if I take this off?” 

Zoe nods, not really trusting herself to speak real words at the moment and continues to kiss him. She tries her best to keep a little still so that Evan wouldn’t have too much difficulty unclasping her bra. He kind of fumbles around with it, and just when he’s about to get it, they hear Zoe’s phone ring. 

Both of them groan in frustration and Evan gets off of Zoe to let her find her phone. She answers it with a very exasperated, “Yes?” and walks back to the bed to sit beside Evan. 

Evan has the half thought to just continue to kiss her shoulders and back, but he knows if it was him on the phone, he wouldn’t be able to function at all if Zoe was kissing him. So he scoots in close so that he can at least hear whoever it was that decided to interrupt their make-out session. He can hear vaguely what sounds like Connor’s voice saying, “When are you and Evan going to get here?” 

Zoe tries to not be annoyed but it wasn’t even time for them to be there yet and her and Evan were kind of in the middle of something, but she responds evenly, “I don’t know, we’re still packing up some of my stuff, why?”

“I swear Mom and Dad are smothering me. I thought if you guys got here maybe we could just hang, and they’d leave us alone.” 

Zoe shoots Evan a look to silently ask what he thought. And as much as Evan wants to say no, to stay here with Zoe until they absolutely had to go, he knows it’s not the right thing to do. He nods his head to let Zoe know they should go help Connor out. 

Zoe sighs deeply and replies, “Hang in there Con, we’ll be there soon.”

Evan doesn’t hear what Connor says back because he gets up and picks his and Zoe’s shirts off the ground, handing Zoe hers as she says, “Okay, see you soon. Bye.” 

Zoe huffs dramatically and lays down backwards on the bed, not really caring about her shirt. Evan’s not exactly sure what to do but he puts his shirt back on and takes a seat next to Zoe, interlacing her hand with his, figuring his other thought of kissing her belly wouldn’t be the best option, maybe another time. His brain was still a little hazy from making out, not the best for making practical decisions. Holding her hand is apparently the right thing to do though because Zoe sits up and kisses the back of Evan’s hand and tugs him in closer.

“We should probably go, I guess. It’s a good thing he called though, right? Instead of like lashing out?” Zoe questions, bunching her shirt nervously in her hand that wasn’t in Evan’s.

“Yeah I think so. And maybe it’ll make dinner easier. Diffuse anything before it gets a chance to build. The last time I had dinner with your whole family it wasn’t exactly easy,” Evan says, letting go of Zoe’s hand so she can slip her tee shirt back on. 

“Yeah, that wasn’t what I’d call a good time. Hopefully tonight won’t be like that,” Zoe says getting up off the bed to finish putting her clothes in her bag. 

“Hey, Zo, I wouldn’t mind if it did. End up like last time that is. I wouldn’t change anything about it, the yelling, the panic attack, all of it. Because that night we had our first kiss and it changed everything in the best way possible,” Evan says, beaming at Zoe and kneeling down to help her pack. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I wouldn’t change anything either. And if tonight ends with a kiss, I’ll be pretty happy,” Zoe tells him, smiling right back, crawling over her bag to kiss him, trying to put all of her love for him into one simple kiss. Evan seems to just know what she was trying to do because he’s smiling when they break apart, eyes filled with love for the girl across from him.

They quickly finish up the little bit that’s left to pack and head off to the Murphy’s house. Zoe keeps requesting the playlist that Evan made for her when they drive places, claiming it puts her in a good mood. Evan is more than happy to let it play, especially now that he could tell her every reasoning behind each song. It made him incredibly happy to see her happy and he would do anything to keep her that way. 

Evan helps Zoe bring in her bags, following her up to her room. They had gotten inside the house as quietly as they could, not wanting to draw attention to themselves before getting a chance to find Connor. Zoe knocks gently on Connor’s door, Evan right behind her, holding her hand tightly. 

“Mom, I’m fine. I swear to God”, Evan and Zoe hear through the door. At least they knew Connor was in there. Zoe knocks again, she definitely didn’t want to go in uninvited, she knew from experience that it wasn’t a good idea. 

Both Evan and Zoe flinch as the door is thrown open with a very annoyed looking Connor, yelling, “Mom leave me alone!”

Connor realizes his mistake, but knows he’s scared Evan and Zoe a little bit. He quickly tries to back pedal telling both of them in a very normal voice, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you guys. Mom just hasn’t left me alone like all day, it’s putting me on edge.” 

“I-It’s okay Connor,” Evan says, squeezing Zoe’s hand a little tighter, in response to the slight tremble she had. Evan figures she was remembering the times when Connor would yell at her when she was younger, knocking on his door trying to help him.

Neither Zoe nor Connor have said anything, Zoe looks too nervous and Connor looks too uncomfortable, upset that he’d somehow managed to yell at Zoe without meaning to.

“M-maybe we could g-go sit outside or something? It’s n-nice out,” Evan offers trying to get all of them back on track. He didn’t cut his alone time with Zoe short for no reason. 

“That would be nice,” Connor says softly, looking down at his feet, avoiding having to look at Zoe shift uneasily next to Evan. 

Zoe hasn’t agreed yet, so Evan squeezes her hand gently, silently asking her what she wanted to do. Evan feels her squeeze back a little limply, but she takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. We can go sit on the patio.” 

Zoe turns, pulling Evan along with her, assuming that Connor would follow them. She doesn’t expect to run directly into her mom on the staircase, tripping slightly and falling back into Evan, who had managed to catch her without also falling back into Connor. 

Cynthia is clearly surprised to see Zoe and Evan there, going somewhere with Connor too. But she recovers quickly, smiling at all of them in a way that makes Evan a little uneasy, even though he’s not really sure why. At least she wasn’t trying to hug any of them. 

“Zoe, I didn’t know you’d gotten home, I was just coming up to ask Connor what he wanted for dinner, now I can ask the both of you. We don’t have many at home options, so I was thinking we’d just order in. How does that sound?”, Cynthia asks looking between both Zoe and Connor expectedly. 

“Pizza,” Connor says and Zoe glances back at him with a tiny smile, pizza was what she was going to say as well. It was nice being on the same page, even if it was something as small as dinner options. 

“What about something nicer? We have a guest after all,” Cynthia tells them as if pizza wasn’t acceptable because Evan was there. As if Evan cared whether or not they had something fancy or not. He was mostly hoping to get through the night without any yelling and minimal stammering. 

“P-pizza is f-fine Mrs. Murphy,” Evan tells her, not really wanting to prolong this conversation on the staircase. He feels Zoe squeeze his hand appreciatively, knowing now that Evan had spoken up it was pretty much a done deal. Cynthia wasn’t going to say no to a _guest._

Before Cynthia can even finish asking what kind, Connor and Zoe at the same time tell her “Just cheese” as if they’d practiced it. It makes all three teens burst out laughing, easing the tension that had accumulated from Connor yelling at them. Evan thinks it’s really cute how similar Zoe and Connor were in the tiniest ways, things they didn’t really know about each other.

Cynthia nods and lets them all pass by her, calling out as they reach the bottom of the stairs, “I’ll let you know when dinner’s here.” They nod at her and make their way outside to the Murphy’s patio, which like everything else in their house, was immaculately decorated and basically a fully functional outside kitchen.

But at least Connor had been right, neither Larry nor Cynthia come to “check in” on them the whole time. And it’s nice. They talk about internet trends, TV shows, books, apparently mainstream media was the only safe topic (for now), but honestly Zoe was okay with that. Evan can feel her relaxing the longer the three of them talk. It feels normal, like something they did all the time, and Evan hopes it’s something they can keep doing. 

When the pizza gets there, instead of going inside into their formal dining room, Cynthia and Larry join them outside. It’s clear Cynthia is struggling to be a “cool laidback” mom and trying to keep the conversation more balanced between Connor and Zoe. There are times where it’s awkward and stagnant, but that was to be expected. And it’s nothing like Evan experienced last time he’d been in this position. Everyone was trying. Trying to put their best foot forward for the sake of their family. Trying to make things better.

Later on in the night, Zoe is driving Evan home and she’s a different kind of happy. A happy that Evan could get used to seeing on her. He’s incredibly proud of her. And Connor. They were headed in a direction that could only lead to a better place. Zoe was getting everything she had wanted. Her brother back. Her parents to notice she was there. Someone who was with her no matter what. There was unquestionably a long way to go, but at least they were going. The night ends with a kiss and a promise of what was to come, just like their first kiss. And Evan thinks it’s absolutely perfect. 

==

Evan and Zoe had driven to Capitol Café separately, getting there early to claim a bigger table and help the staff set up for Zoe to perform. Zoe was hoping to talk a little more to her family about the café and introduce them to the staff who were always so nice to her and Evan. But that was 20 minutes ago. It was now 6:58 P.M. and none of Zoe’s family was there. Zoe had to go on at 7 and time was running out. 

Evan doesn’t even know how to comfort her through this, because disappointed doesn’t even begin to describe the way Zoe looks and feels. She had been so excited. So hopeful. She doesn’t even respond when he kisses her cheek lovingly. He’s trying but he’s not the same as the family she specifically invited and curated her set around. They’d even talked about it a little last night. Connor said he was looking forward to it. Evan swears he’ll never forgive the Murphy’s for doing this to her. 

At 7 on the dot, Zoe takes a deep breath and puts her performer face on. She lets go of Evan, and grabs her guitar, making her way up to the makeshift stage. Evan’s left alone surrounded by four unused chairs and he looks dramatically out of place. And he’s angry that anytime Zoe looks to him during her set, she’d just be reminded that her family hadn’t followed through with their promise. 

The way Zoe is sitting on the stool, smiling to the audience, you’d never know how upset she was, but Evan could tell. Just as she’s about to start talking, introducing herself and thanking the café, Evan hears the jingle bells on the front door open and he looks back to see Connor leading a very disgruntled Cynthia and Larry into the building. Evan tries to wave them down while simultaneously checking on Zoe to see if she’d seen them. By the look on her face it’s clear she has because the subtleties giving away her previous upset mood are gone. Zoe’s eyes are lit up and she’s smiling for real, not just because she was performing. 

Evan doesn’t think she can really see how flustered her parents are or how shifty Connor was acting (she really did need glasses), rushing in and sitting next to the very obvious open seats next to Evan. But Evan wasn’t going to let her on to that just yet. All that mattered was that they were there. 

Zoe starts talking her opening speech and Evan somewhat ignores the Murphy’s putting all his attention back on Zoe, but Connor was trying to talk to him at the same time. 

“Hi everyone! I’m Zoe and I’m super excited to be here tonight.”

“Evan, I’m sorry we’re late,” Connor whispers trying to not let his parents hear, scooting his chair closer to Evan’s. Evan’s still watching Zoe, he was still mad they made Zoe think they weren’t going to show up. 

I’ll be here every Thursday night for a while. Please be nice to the staff because they’re awesome!”

“My parents were arguing, and I swear I was trying to hurry them out as fast as I could,” Connor explains further. Evan supposes that does explain why they were all so flustered, so he turns a little bit to face Connor, letting him know he was listening. 

“Is Zoe okay? Did we miss anything? Does she know we’re here?” Connor asks, slightly unaware that Zoe was talking at the same time, about to start singing. 

“Yeah she’s fine. Not yet, but you will if you keep talking, just apologize to her later and watch” Evan whispers back in a curt tone, not even realizing he wasn’t stuttering, and Connor nods and both of them turn their attention back to Zoe. 

“If you’ve been here before you might know that I play a lot of love songs, some about my boyfriend Evan,” Zoe says gesturing to Evan, who is blushing furiously but smiling at her, giving a tiny shy wave to the crowd, “But tonight I have a very special set for everyone sitting at the table with him and I hope you like it.” 

Zoe starts strumming her guitar softly, a melody that Evan thinks he recognizes but can’t really place until Zoe starts singing, 

_And another one bites the dust  
But why can I not conquer love?  
And I might've thought that we were one  
Wanted to fight this war without weapons  
And I want it and I wanted it bad  
But there were so many red flags  
Now another one bites the dust  
Yeah let's be clear, I trust no one _

She was singing Sia’s “Elastic Heart” and Zoe had played it before for Evan, just practicing one day. But he’d never really paid any attention to the actual lyrics before now. It’s kind of perfect for her. Zoe’s voice was slow and emotional, putting everything into this song, telling the world how resilient she was in the face of adversity. 

_You did not break me  
I'm still fighting for peace _

_Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart  
But your blade it might be too sharp  
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard  
Yeah I may snap and I move fast  
You won't see me fall apart  
'Cause I've got an elastic heart  
I've got an elastic heart  
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart_

Evan quickly glances at Zoe’s parents and to Connor and they were watching her and listening, but they weren’t really _listening_ to the things she was singing. She had said the set meant something to her, had they not been listening then either? He couldn’t force them to see beyond the performance, but he wishes he could. 

_And I will stay up through the night  
Yeah let's be clear, I won't close my eyes  
And I know that I can survive  
I walked through fire to save my life  
And I want it, I want my life so bad  
And I'm doing everything I can  
Then another one bites the dust  
It's hard to lose a chosen one  
You did not break me  
I'm still fighting for peace_

Zoe finishes and the crowd starts clapping along with Evan and her family. Even though they’re clapping enthusiastically, Evan’s pretty positive her family was still only admiring her talent at face value, not truly realizing what she was trying to convey to them. 

The clapping dies down and Zoe starts introducing her next song, “The next song is on I wrote a while ago, before I met Evan. It’s about feeling unseen and pushing through anyways. Faking your way so that nobody questions how you’re feeling. Here’s ‘Hiding in Your Hands’.” 

Zoe starts playing again and the tune is much happier than Evan expected, but he supposes it makes sense if the song’s about hiding in plain sight. Zoe starts singing softly and Evan’s mesmerized. 

_When it's just you and some song  
That you don't know how to play  
Fake your way through, strum along  
Be cool and you're okay_

_So your fingers get tangled in a pile  
Your rhythm is a mess  
But nobody sees 'cause you smile  
And the world will never guess_

Evan’s heart is slowly breaking, listening to what Zoe was saying, explaining the way she felt for so long. Possibly why her parents never knew she was hurting so badly. 

_Can't let them know  
'Cause no one understands  
Your face can't show  
What you're hiding in your hands_

_Daughter and son, man and wife  
Fill the photos on these walls  
Look at the fun, perfect life  
Of plastic dress-up dolls_

Evan can’t help but sneak another look at Zoe’s parents, it was clear to him that this song was meant for them and he so desperately wanted them to understand. They seem to be paying much better attention to Zoe now, maybe understanding what she was saying. Understanding that she thought their “family” was like a charade, a front designed to hide her pain. 

_Happy house on a quaint suburban street  
The sun hangs in the sky  
Everything framed nice and neat  
In a lovely little lie  
Can't let them know  
'Cause no one understands  
Your face can't show  
What you're hiding in your hands_

Evan thinks this second verse is what really gets to Cynthia and Larry because when he glances at them again, he can see tears slowly falling down Cynthia’s face and Larry holding on to her tightly. Evan lets a little bit of his anger at them from earlier fade away. Only time would tell, but Evan thinks that a long apology was going to be coming Zoe’s way from Cynthia and Larry. He suddenly feels a lot less worried about Zoe staying with her parents and brother again. 

_Look at her, a total trainwreck  
Let her off this ride  
Lift her out from all the pain  
She tells herself she needs to hide  
When it's just you and that song  
It's impossible to play  
Fake your way through, strum along  
And everything's okay_

Zoe lets the song come to a close, smiling and looking around the crowd. She finds Evan easily because he usually stood and clapped for her, a standing ovation for every single song, and she feels a lot better about what she just admitted to her family. She looks over to Cynthia and Larry and sees them clapping and crying. She wants to cry at the sight of them _finally_ understanding just a little bit of how she felt, but she had two more songs to go, she couldn’t stop in the middle of the set. 

“I wrote this next song for my brother Connor. Tonight’s the first time he’s seeing me play, so this song is a little extra special. Con, it’s been a bumpy ride, but I’m proud of where we are, how far we’ve come. I hope you like it,” Zoe says, her voice slightly more nervous than before, but she’s looking right at Connor, who’s paying her his full attention. He hadn’t thought she would mention him at all, let alone write him a song. 

_Heard it for years, but I covered my ears, I didn't want to  
Admit it was true, the songs were for you, but I wouldn't let em play  
Same as the day, feeling the way like I always do  
All this time I've cared about you  
All the while just me without you_

Evan hasn’t heard this song either and he wants to give Zoe his full attention, absorbing everything she was singing, but he can’t. He starts watching Connor as he watches Zoe, seeing the many different emotions flooding over his face and Zoe had only sung the first verse. 

_I've taken a while to write this  
Song cause I was afraid I'd get it wrong  
At the end of the day though, it's better to try  
Cause at the end of the day now I'm out of time  
I'm through keeping it back from you  
But today, what can I say?  
I'm lettin' it play  
Mm mm mm Yeah I'm lettin' it play mm mm_

Evan glances back to Zoe and seeing she’s pretty much only watching Connor’s reactions, but manages to engage with the whole crowd somehow. She truly was an amazing performer. Evan looks back to Connor and he’s smiling. A full real smile. Something Evan doesn’t think he’s ever really seen from Connor. 

_I sit on my own, a wandering' home, thinking' how to  
Say it to you, say that it's true that I want to  
And it could be so easy, I know  
But these words aren't good enough so I'll let em go_

_And it could be so easy, I know  
But these words aren't good enough so I'll let em go  
Yeah I could risk you walking away  
And there's no time like the present isn't that what they say?  
Well I'm just wasting away without  
You, so listen to this song about you_

Similarly to the way Evan felt about watching Cynthia and Larry react to “Hiding in Your Hands”, Evan just gets an overwhelming feeling that Zoe will be okay going home. To her parents. To her brother. And based on the way Connor is soaking up every single nuanced lyric, Evan thinks Connor will be okay too. He had his sister back, and that was all he ever really wanted to begin with. 

_I've taken a while to write this  
Song cause it's only cliches all day long  
At the end of the day though, it's better to try  
Cause at the end of the day now I'm out of time  
I'm through keeping it back from you_

Zoe finishes the song and probably for the first time ever, it’s not Evan who’s clapping and hollering the loudest, but Connor. Zoe looks comfortable and perfectly set up for her last song. 

“The last song I have for you guys tonight is dedicated to Evan,” Zoe smiles cheekily at him, making him blush harder than he’d already been, causing the crowd to laugh just a little bit, “I don’t know where I’d be without him and it also wouldn’t really be a show of mine without at least one love song, so here it is. I love you Evan.” 

The melody Zoe starts playing is much slower than the previous three songs, deep and sultry. Evan thinks he’s maybe heard it before, but nothing is coming to him. He doesn’t think Zoe wrote the melody though, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that she chose it with purpose. It meant something to her, so it meant something to Evan.

_We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January  
This is our place, we make the rules  
And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear  
Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?_

Evan can’t take his eyes off her, and he finally recognizes the song. It’s wholly _them_ and Zoe’s no longer singing to the crowd, but solely to him. He thought he might be used to her singing to him by now, but he’s not. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving it. Loving her. 

_Can I go where you go?  
Can we always be this close forever and ever?  
And ah, take me out, and take me home  
You're my, my, my, my lover_

The crowd is watching Zoe serenade Evan and are completely into it, quieting down so the only sound was Zoe performing. Tonight seems more special, not that every other time Zoe had sung to him wasn’t, there was just something about tonight. The song. Her family being present. The way her voice was starting to get a litter hoarse, adding rawness to the song. It’s a night that Evan would never, ever forget. 

_Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?  
With every guitar string scar on my hand  
I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover  
My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue  
All's well that ends well to end up with you  
Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover  
And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me  
And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover_

Cynthia and Larry are watching Evan and Zoe raptly. They knew they were together, and that Zoe had been leaning on him through everything that had been happening, but they hadn’t known how serious their relationship was, or is rather. They’re glad they like Evan, because they had a feeling he’d be in their lives for a good while. 

_Can I go where you go?  
Can we always be this close forever and ever?  
And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)  
You're my, my, my, my  
Oh, you're my, my, my, my  
Darling, you're my, my, my, my lover_

The only one not clapping as the song ends and Evan runs up to Zoe, kissing her in front of everyone, is Connor. It hurt him to watch his sister declare her love very publicly for someone Connor had thought he loved too. He’d been elated by the song she wrote for him, and devastated by the one she sang for Evan. But he supposes he doesn’t have to be devastated. He could be happy for Zoe, for Evan, for them. He didn’t have to be relegated to the sidelines, watching from afar, peripheral to their life. He could be part of the team, working with them instead of against them or not at all. As Zoe and Evan finally break apart from their kiss, Connor makes a decision. He stands up with the rest of the crowd and starts clapping for them, smiling at Zoe as she smiled at him. Yeah, he could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor's not going to sit around watching from the sidelines anymore, he's actively choosing to be a part of his sister's life, to just be happy for her. And I really like that :) I hope you guys liked the ending! Stay tuned for the epilogue where I can promise a time jump and cuteness and that's all. 
> 
> Also songs:  
> Elastic Heart by Sia  
> Hiding in Your Hands by Mallory Bechtel (DEH Deluxe album, one of Zoe's cut songs)  
> Lettin It Play by Michael Lee Brown   
> Lover by Taylor Swift


	20. I Can Move A Mountain, But Only By Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gives a speech and Heidi has a knack for photography.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEKKKK! This is the last one and it's early! It's because this is literally only fluff and really cute to write. I hope you all like it! 
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you for reading and believing in this story! Everyone has been absolutely incredible and if you interested for what might be coming next, please read the AN at the end of the chapter!!! Happy Reading!!!!!

10 YEARS LATER

Anyone who was attending the wedding could just look around a know without a doubt that Zoe Murphy and Evan Hansen had planned it. Every single detail was so _them._ Evan worked for the Boston Harbor Islands State Park services and had managed to get a permit from some of his connections to have their wedding in the small forest that was just outside of Boston. Zoe and Evan had explored the forest thoroughly when they had first moved to the Boston area because it had reminded them so much of Ellison, which Evan missed greatly from back home. They weren’t getting married in their hometown, so they couldn’t think of anywhere else that was more fitting for them to hold their wedding. It was perfect. 

The natural greens and browns of the forest landscape complimented the dark indigo and gold that Zoe had picked out for the rest of the wedding. And much to the delight of Zoe, Evan had arranged to have all their flowers mimic the very first bouquet he’d ever given her, that first open mic night at Capitol Café. White peonies, purple carnations, baby’s breath, and gold sparkles filled every open space and every table. Zoe even had the carnations and baby’s breath woven into a crown in her hair, something that Evan had suggested. 

They had set up hundreds of yards of twinkling fairy lights everywhere, making the whole venue look enchanted, providing a soft glow for the guests to see by. The contrast between the large sturdy trees and the dainty, subtle decorations, enhanced the look of everything. The small venue was ethereal and exactly what Evan and Zoe had wanted. 

There had been many times in Evan’s life where he had thought Zoe looked beautiful, but he thinks she’s never looked more incredible than today. Zoe was anything but traditional. Her hair was down, loose and wavy, the tiny baby hairs that Evan loved so much were framing her face, peeking out underneath the flowers in her hair. She had chosen to go with a sparkly gold color palette for her make-up, emphasizing her green eyes, making her glow in the setting sun. Her dress was backless and layered with flowing vintage lace and embroidered with gold, glittering as she walked down the aisle. It was the only thing that Zoe had let her parents pay for because she loved it the first time she’d laid eyes on it, but it was way too far out the budget her and Evan had set. Cynthia had insisted they get it and paid for extra custom gold embroidery. Zoe had never been more thankful for her mom’s pushiness; she couldn’t imagine herself in anything else. Zoe’s even more excited that she let them pay, because the look of Evan’s face as she walked closer to him was priceless. Evan almost passes out when he sees her, still in awe, even after ten years, that Zoe Murphy chose him to love. 

The ceremony had been short and sweet, happening as the sun set, surrounding Evan and Zoe in golden warmth as they recited their vows, reinforcing everything they loved about each other, everything they had known since high school. Their bond had only grown stronger since then and would probably only keep growing as they faced the rest of their life together.

They were at the reception now, and they had specifically asked Connor to give a speech in place of a “Best Man” or “Maid of Honor” speech. Evan and Zoe didn’t have a traditional wedding party with sides, only people who meant the world to them, a mix of some college friends and Zoe’s best friend from high school, Connor, and Evan had even talked Jared down from insisting on officiating to just being a member of the party (which took a lot of stress off of Evan, he did not need Jared officiating his wedding). They just wanted people who loved them by their side as they said “I do” legally. It did make doling out jobs a little harder though, because Evan and Zoe didn’t want their hometown friends feeling left out because of the distance. But the one thing they knew was that they wanted Connor, someone who had become so close to them over the years, to speak at their wedding. They didn’t really care what he said, they just wanted him to know how much he meant to both of them.

Connor stands up and grabs the mic from the stand, walking around so that he could talk to the guests and directly to Evan and Zoe who were sitting at a separate smaller table together, with only their family. Connor looks nervous, but that could be from the three glasses of champagne he already had, insisting they’d help him with his speech. He just really didn’t want to mess it up and ruin their seemingly perfect day. 

“Hey everyone! If you don’t know me, I’m Zoe’s older brother Connor. And I hope everyone is having a good time tonight. Enjoying how excruciatingly cute Evan and Zoe are. And I have to tell you, they’re literally always like this. They’ve been this way since high school and nothing’s changed,” Connor starts, pausing to look over to Evan and Zoe who were smiling at each other, chairs pushed close enough so Zoe could lay her head on Evan’s shoulder, exemplifying Connor’s point. 

Someone interrupts Connor as he’s about to continue, clinking their glass, making Zoe and Evan kiss per the wedding tradition. Zoe smiles up at Evan and he leans down to kiss her sweetly. He’d been absolutely right after their first kiss. He’d thought that he’d be able to kiss Zoe Murphy, well now Zoe Murphy-Hansen, forever and it couldn’t be truer. The crowd starts clapping and cheering them on, even Connor. He had a feeling there would be a lot of clinking glasses during the speeches. 

“So, I was having some trouble figuring out what to say. I was surprised when Zoe told me they wanted to me to talk, but here goes nothing,” Connor starts again glancing over to Zoe who was doing her best to listen to him, smiling brightly at him. Evan was giving him his full attention, smiling at him encouragingly too. 

“The first thing I thought about when thinking about this speech was ‘everyone here should thank me’, so now I’ll wait for your applause before continuing,” Connor smirks, waiting for the guests to laugh at his joke. Evan and Zoe had a feeling of where Connor was going with this and were now glancing a little worriedly between each other. They didn’t usually broadcast that Evan and Connor had been dating before him and Zoe had gotten together. It wasn’t a secret but during college there had been people who Evan thought were his friends but ended up bullying him incessantly once they had found out he had dated siblings, even worse than the kids in high school had. And it honestly wasn’t even that big of deal, so he couldn’t figure out why they just couldn’t let it go. Suffice to say they weren’t at the wedding, but Evan was still really sensitive about the subject, especially around a lot of people. Zoe presses a light kiss to his jaw, knowing Evan was probably getting anxious, a reminder that Connor loved them too. He wouldn’t say anything he knew made Evan upset on purpose. They had faith in Connor, he wouldn’t do anything too terrible at their wedding, even under the influence of champagne. 

“I’m the reason these two lovebirds are together, which probably sounds a little weird, but it’s true. Evan and Zoe are both incredibly shy, or at least they were in high school. Evan used to be even more anxious than he is now, and Zoe was too worried no one would see past her status as my little sister, and my reputation was shit. So, these two would have never talked to one another without me bringing Evan around, giving Zoe the excuse she needed,” Connor says, looking directly at Zoe. At that point Zoe knew he wasn’t going to say anything about them dating, and Evan knows it too. She can feel him relax next to her, so she relaxes into him when Evan drapes his arm around her, settling at her hip, carefully pulling her in closer. 

“But in all seriousness, high school wasn’t a particularly good time for me, Zoe, or Evan. And part of that had to do with the way I treated both of them and partly because we were all dealing with our own issues. But that’s not something we need to rehash right now, we’re supposed to be celebrating, yeah?” Connor asks the crowd, exciting them just enough for another round of clinking. Evan and Zoe just laugh at their friends and family, appeasing them with several sweet kisses. 

“I mostly brought it up to point out that it was Evan who sparked the change for all of us. Evan is someone who I’ll always be thankful for. For bringing my sister back to me. For forgiving me when he probably shouldn’t have. And most importantly for being the best partner for my little sister. It makes me so happy to see Zoe happy with you, with your little family. I mean how cute is Wyatt?”, Connor asks the crowd again. Wyatt starts squirming in her mom’s arms, where she’d been napping the whole reception, at the mention of her name over the microphone. She starts cooing loudly back to her Uncle Connor, causing the guests to fawn over her and prompting her parents to both kiss her little face lovingly, careful to avoid the tiny flowers clipped into her blonde baby hair to match her mom’s.

“Evan, you’re everything I could ever ask for in friend, in a brother. And you’ve always been a part of our family. But now that it’s official, I can tease you all I want and Zoe can’t do anything about it,” Connor jokes, laughing as Zoe rolls her eyes at him, attempting to wrangle Wyatt to a sitting position since Connor had woken her up. Evan finally takes her and sits her directly between them, calming her down as she played with Evan’s hand. 

“And Zoe,” Connor starts again, grabbing Zoe’s attention back from the baby, “Stepping up and being the brother you needed me to be has been one of my proudest accomplishments. You deserve the whole world and then some. I love you so much.” 

Zoe’s really glad she’s wearing waterproof make-up because it’s the second time she’s crying that night. She knew having Connor give the speech was a good idea. She doesn’t know who to look at, her brother who was making an incredible speech at her wedding, her new husband who she knew was feeling just as emotional, or her daughter, who had no idea what was going on, but perfectly happy sitting between her parents, sucking on her dad’s hand. Everywhere she looked she was surrounded by love. 

“I know this speech sounds a lot like it’s about me, but it’s about Evan and Zoe’s love story. And everything they’ve overcome to get to this point. Their love knows no bounds. They are two of the best people I know and I’m so glad they have each other,” Connor tells them, watching as Evan starts to tear up as well. If you’d asked him ten years ago where he would be, he never would have guessed that he’d be surrounded by the people he loved most, married to the love of his life, or taking care to make sure his _daughter’s_ dress wasn’t wrinkling for photos. He’s really happy that he could say his life is nothing like he’d imagined it to be. It was so much better. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to pass the mic to Heidi now, but let’s give it up one more time for Zoe and Evan!” Connor finishes his speech, handing the mic to Heidi so he could start clapping himself. Every single guest is clapping, hollering, and clinking their glasses at Evan and Zoe. They comply with the demands of the crowd, kissing more, and kissing Wyatt again when she grabbed for them. Zoe is starting to wonder if having an open bar was really such a good idea after all, but everyone was having a good time, so she just lets herself enjoy it. It’s not like kissing Evan more was a hassle, they’d probably be doing it without the prompting anyways. 

Zoe picks the baby up and places her directly on Evan’s lap, making sure she couldn’t fall, so she could stand up to go hug her brother. She holds on to Connor tightly, and Connor is no longer searching awkwardly trying to hug her back like he used to, he holds on to her just as tight. Zoe’s eyes are shining as they break apart, and Connor kisses her cheek before letting her go back to Evan and Wyatt. Connor watches as she joins them again, smiling at the little family, heading back to his own seat with his own date. 

“Hi everyone! I’m Heidi, Evan’s mom. I’m not much for giving speeches, me and Evan are alike that way,” Heidi says looking over to Evan, smiling at her little boy, who was so grown up now. He was someone’s life partner, he was a dad to a beautiful little girl, and he had grown so much past the confused seventeen-year-old who couldn’t decide whether or not holding hands could be considered romantic. 

“So the very first time I met Zoe, she came over for dinner, for one of our Hansen family ‘Taco Tuesday’ nights, and I immediately fell in love with her. Not only because she’s wonderful, the best daughter I could ask for, but because I saw the way she made Evan feel. He was absolutely smitten. I saw it every time she texted him and he would grin at his phone, lost in his own dreamworld, consumed by the very thought of Zoe,” Heidi tells the guests, laughing a little at the memories of how lovesick Evan was (how he still is). Evan’s blushing because he remembers that day vividly. It was the day he’d broken up with Connor and him and Zoe had become official. It seems like a lifetime ago to Evan. 

“Connor was very correct when he said these two have always been like this. I used to watch the way they gravitated towards each other and I was never really sure if they knew they were doing it. And I remember the day Evan came to me and told me that he loved Zoe. He was so worried that I would write him off, call him overdramatic and tell him he was too young to know what love is. But I didn’t. I knew he meant it and he’s meant it everyday since,” Heidi chokes up a little at the way Evan’s looking at her, the way that Zoe has the same exact look on her face. Heidi had always been their number one supporter, another thing that hadn’t changed.

“So, in a way that only moms can know, Zo I’m sure you already feel that,” Heidi starts up again, smiling sweetly at Zoe, who was nodding, snuggling into Evan’s chest while snuggling Wyatt into her own chest, “I knew that we’d be right where we are now one day, so I started taking pictures of these two. At times when they thought no one watching. Capturing little glimpses of their love. It brings me great joy to share them with everyone today.” 

Heidi’s gesturing to a screen that had somehow appeared without Evan or Zoe knowing, a surprise orchestrated by Heidi. Nothing had even come up yet, but Evan and Zoe had a feeling they weren’t going to stop crying anytime soon.

“To be fair, I also asked around and got some more from other people, and many of the pictures were supplemented by Connor, Zoe’s parents, and the kids’ Instagram’s. So please enjoy,” Heidi returns the mic to the stand and returns to her seat, as a very familiar song starts playing. A song that Evan knew every word to. A song he sang to his daughter to calm her down. A song written by his daughter’s mother when she was seventeen and falling in love. The very first song Zoe had ever sung to Evan. Evan looks to Zoe and they’re both awestruck, they have no idea how Heidi managed to get a copy of Zoe singing “Only Us”, let alone incorporate it into a slideshow. Heidi worked in mysterious ways and they weren’t going to question it. The pictures begin flooding in and true to Heidi’s word, neither Evan nor Zoe look aware that they’re being photographed. 

_Evan and Zoe at seventeen, cuddled up together on the Hansen’s couch, Harry Potter on an endless loop_

_Zoe feeding Evan a piece of raw cookie dough as they roll and cut out tree shaped cookies for Arbor Day, which Evan had insisted that they celebrate_

_Zoe red-faced and flustered, arguing over a game piece at Jared’s house (she’d been convinced that Jared had been cheating, and to be fair he had been) and Evan looking at her like she hung the moon_

_Zoe pinning a boutonniere on Evan’s jacket as they get ready for Evan’s senior prom; Evan kissing her right in front of their parents; Zoe blushing pink enough to match her dress; Evan and Zoe in the classic “prom pose”; Connor, Jared, Zoe, and Evan at dinner, all of them laughing; Zoe and Evan dancing closely at prom, foreheads pressed together, like the rest of the world had faded away_

_Zoe stealing Evan’s graduation cap while he gave her a piggy-back ride; Connor, Evan, and Zoe at Evan and Connor’s joint graduation party; Zoe and Evan passed out on bean-bag chairs in the band room during the school’s SoberGrad night_

Evan can’t really believe his mom had put all this together. Seeing these photos brings him back to that exact point in his life, and he watches himself fall more and more in love with the person sitting beside him. He wants to look at Zoe, but he can’t pull himself from the slideshow, not wanting to miss a single snapshot, so he does the next best thing, lacing Zoe’s hand that wasn’t holding Wyatt together with his own, squeezing softly. He knows Zoe knows what he means when she squeezes his back softly, eyes also unable to look away from their own love story. 

_Evan watching Zoe sing at Capitol Café; Evan being the only one in the whole dining room giving her a standing ovation; Zoe looking directly at Evan while she sang_

_Evan smiling at Zoe as she blew out birthday candles for her eighteenth birthday_

_A video of Zoe opening her acceptance letter from Boston Conservatory and Evan picking her up and spinning her around in excitement_

_Evan and Zoe huddled over a tiny piece of paper; Evan holding his Boston University transfer acceptance up proudly; Zoe trying to pick up Evan the way he had when she got her acceptance letter and failing; Evan and Zoe laughing in a pile on the ground_

_Evan helping Zoe light the Menorah the first time she celebrated Hanukkah with him and his mom_

_Zoe holding a very wobbly Evan while they tried to ice skate; Zoe flipping Connor off as he skates past them expertly laughing; The three of them sipping steaming hot chocolate while sitting in the snow, snowflakes covering their hats and setting delicately on their eyelashes_

_Evan watching Zoe descend the Murphy’s staircase for her senior prom, completely captivated by her; Evan fanning out the train to Zoe’s long gold dress (oddly similar to her wedding dress); Evan kissing her wrist as he ties on her corsage; Evan helping Zoe take the pins out of her hair after the dance_

_Connor and Evan smushing Zoe between them at her graduation; Connor and Evan putting Zoe on their shoulders smiling up at her as she raised her diploma_

_Zoe and Evan with matching Mickey Mouse ears at Disneyland in front of Cinderella’s castle; Evan kissing Zoe by Ollivander’s wand shoppe in the Harry Potter park; Evan watching as Zoe got picked for the wand demonstration_

The summer before they moved to Boston had been unbelievable. Evan had taken the summer off from working, knowing that it might be one of his only chances to just _be_ with Zoe. No school. No work. No worries. Just them. Adventuring with her every day. Going on road trips. Staying in. Lake days with Connor and Jared. Sleepovers. Everything in between. And he’d never once regretted it, no matter how much money had been tight those first few months in Boston. And Heidi only had pictures of them during Zoe’s senior trip to represent that time, but Evan remembered everything. 

_Evan and Zoe facing away from the camera, leaning into each other, sitting atop cardboard boxes in a very small, very barren apartment_

_Zoe focusing on painting Evan’s nails while he studied for his midterms_

_Zoe and Evan in the same, albeit slightly less empty apartment, hanging a handful of ornaments on a very sad looking Christmas tree, topped with a Star of David, their idea of combining holiday traditions_

_Them holding hands hiking through the very same forest they were getting married in that day_

_A short video of Zoe’s first performance in Boston in a dive bar surrounded by college students; Evan giving her flowers after, kissing her cheek; Zoe’s first solo in the official university concert_

_Zoe wearing her new glasses, crinkling her nose up as Evan kisses her cheek_

_Evan suffering at Pottery Barn restocking sheets; Evan hanging out at Starbucks while Zoe worked_

Zoe can’t keep the tears from streaming down her face, but she doesn’t really care because they were happy tears. She laughs as Wyatt puts her hands directly on Zoe’s cheeks, a very concerned look on her little face. Zoe kisses the baby’s hand and brings her husband’s hand up to kiss too. She loved Evan and Wyatt more than anything in the world, but right now she thinks she might love Heidi even more for putting this together for her and Evan. Watching their younger selves grow up and figure out life together was the best gift anybody could give them. 

“Only Us” starts to fade out, only to be replaced by another one of Zoe’s songs to Evan, “Lover”, this time it wasn’t Zoe singing, but it didn’t take away from the significance of the song for them. Seriously how had Heidi managed to do this? 

_Evan proudly holding his college degree, framed and official; Zoe kissing Evan after he’d told her he’d gotten a job in the state park; Evan wearing an official park polo for his first day at his new job_

_Evan and Zoe moving into a nicer and bigger apartment; Evan walking through the front door with many plants in his arms; Evan and Zoe planting a tiny herb garden for their kitchen window_

_Zoe in her cap and gown surrounded by her family; Zoe playing at the commencement ceremony; Evan kissing her sweetly; Evan looking so incredibly proud as Zoe crosses the stage_

_Zoe surrounded by a circle of kids teaching them how to read music; Zoe playing on the mini piano Evan had gotten her for their apartment; Zoe playing her ukulele one on one with kids who were in the hospital, using her minor in music therapy to help volunteer_

Evan finally manages to look away from the slideshow to look down at Zoe and Wyatt, who had fallen asleep once more in Zoe’s arms (she kind of had a lot of sugary cereal puffs today with the number of adults who had been watching over her), and Evan can’t help but lean in and kiss Zoe’s temple. He was so thankful for the life he had. College hadn’t been the easiest time for Evan. The distance from his hometown, the bullying after he thought he’d made friends, both him and Zoe working almost full time while taking classes hadn’t exactly made things easier on Evan’s mental health, or Zoe’s when she had figured out he was struggling. But they had made their way through it, and it had only been a stop on the journey that was their lives. And Evan knew what was coming next, the best part yet. 

_Evan getting down on one knee, proposing to Zoe; Zoe tearing up and nodding her head ‘yes’; Zoe grabbing a ring she had gotten for him from her bag, showing it to Evan; Evan tearing up too, now nodding his head ‘yes’ again to her question_

_Zoe and Evan holding hands, telling their families that Zoe was pregnant; Evan kissing Zoe’s mostly flat belly over her dress_

_Zoe holding her bump while Evan holds her; Zoe sitting cross-legged in a field, hands placed happily on her belly; Zoe and Evan kissing, her belly the only thing between them_

_Evan looking very confused trying to build a crib as Zoe laughed in the background; Zoe and Evan holding up two tiny onesies, one with a tree and one with music notes and stars, a gift they’d gotten at their baby shower; Zoe’s eyes lighting up at the cookies Evan had brought her from the bakery downtown_

_The attending nurse placing a newborn Wyatt on Zoe’s chest, Zoe looking exhausted but happy, Evan holding her hand and looking down at the tiny baby; Evan and Zoe sharing the hospital bed, Evan holding a swaddled Wyatt, both of them looking at her like she was the greatest thing in the world (she was); Evan carrying Wyatt in her carseat, holding hands with Zoe as they left the hospital_

_Zoe as a baby laying on Larry’s chest as they slept; Zoe laying on Evan’s chest as teenagers, completely passed out; Wyatt napping on Evan’s chest as he stared at her, gently petting her hair, with the writing underneath saying “Like Mother, Like Daughter”_

Zoe laughs at that one, everyone said Wyatt looked exactly like her besides having Evan’s blonde hair, but she’d never really realized how similar they were until now. They both loved Evan, that was for sure. And apparently they slept the same too. Zoe shifts the baby in her arms, letting herself move closer to Evan, close enough to place a sweet kiss to his neck. 

_Zoe and Evan trying to feed Wyatt avocados; Wyatt smashing the avocados onto Evan’s face and giggling happily; Wyatt smashing them into her hair; Zoe hosing the baby down in the tub_

_Evan and Zoe making the centerpieces for the tables; Zoe watching Evan hang up the fairy lights, beaming at him; Evan seeing Zoe walk down the aisle today; Evan and Zoe kissing for the first time married; Evan unable to look away from Zoe as they walk back down the aisle; Evan and Zoe watching Connor give his speech, eyes shining_

How in the hell Heidi managed to get photos in there from the last ten minutes, Evan and Zoe will probably never know, but they’re grateful for everything she’d done. She’d made the perfect culmination of their relationship through the years. Memorialized it for them, for Wyatt in the future. Evan wipes the tears away from his eyes, then thumbs away Zoe’s tears for her, as her hands were full of Wyatt. Zoe leans up to kiss him one more time, whispering “I love you so much Evan.” 

“I love you more than you could possibly know,” Evan whispers back, kissing her again, then leaning down to kiss Wyatt on her head again, which wakes her up once more, causing her to reach up for Evan. Evan grabs her from Zoe’s lap telling her, “Mommy and I love you too, little bug, more than anything.” 

The guests had stopped clapping a while back, content to watch Evan and Zoe zone out from everyone else, focused in on only them. Heidi starting to talk again is finally what breaks the sweet moment, and everyone turns to look back her. 

“Those were just some of the representations of Evan and Zoe through the years they’ve been together, and I know there will be many, many more to come in the future. Zoe, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Evan, and I’ll always know he’ll be okay because he has you. And Evan, I loved you since the day I found out I was pregnant, and I love the person you’ve grown up to be. You’re an incredible son, father, and I know you’ll be the most incredible husband to Zoe. Everyone here loves you guys. With that, I think it’s time to dance! Per tradition, the first dance is for Evan and Zoe,” Heidi finishes, looking lovingly towards Evan’s family and seeing them look back to her with admiration. 

Heidi walks over to them and scoops Wyatt up out of Evan’s arms, letting Evan and Zoe head to the dance floor hand in hand. A first dance was the only “dance” tradition they had wanted at their wedding. A chance to just be together and reconnect to each other amidst everything else that was happening at the ceremony and the reception.

A very soft pretty piano melody starts playing as Zoe and Evan walk on to the dance floor. Zoe puts her arms around Evan’s neck and Evan pulls Zoe as close as he can, hands at her waist, their foreheads touching. They start swaying slowly to the song they’d both picked out. 

_You say, what if I go crazy?  
I say, that ain't gonna happen  
You say, what if I get lost?  
I say, you'll just find your way back  
And you say, what if someone breaks my heart?  
I'll put it back together like I do_

Evan had been so nervous about their first dance, that he’d somehow mess it up or step on Zoe or something. They danced together so many times before, but there was just something about their first dance that had been getting to Evan. But being up there with Zoe in the moment, he knows he shouldn’t have worried. It was absolutely perfect, just him and her. Nothing else mattered. 

_You say, what if I don't catch the dreams  
That I've been out there chasing?  
What if when my fears show up  
I'm too afraid to face them?  
Well, I can't fight your battles  
But I sure can hold your hand and promise you_

Zoe lets her head fall to Evan’s shoulder, enjoying the feeling of being close to him. The day had been both stressful and unbelievably wonderful. She shivers at the feeling of Evan making tiny circles with his thumbs on her low back, still excited by his touch after all these years. She may have known that Evan would absolutely love the fact that her dress was backless, one of the reasons she loved it so much. She smiles up at him after feeling him kiss her hairline, kissing him back properly. 

_That the sky will still be up there  
And the sun will always shine  
The stars will keep on falling  
For the ones who wish at night  
The mountains won't start moving  
And the rivers won't run dry  
The world will always be there  
And so will I_

Connor watches his sister and his (technically) new brother-in-law dance together and he couldn’t be happier for them. It hadn’t always been easy after him and Zoe had made up in high school. There were times that he’d be so angry that she’d flee to Evan’s, or times when their parents had been arguing over them so much that they just had to leave (at least those times they were together), but he knew that he could apologize to her, that they were both allowed to mess up. The only thing that mattered to either of them was that they were trying. 

Evan and Zoe moving out of the area ended up being a really good thing for all three of them. They worked well with the bit of distance. It made the times where they did see each other even more special. And Connor came to visit them often when he needed to get away from their parents or just to hang out. Zoe made the effort to call Connor often, and FaceTime, especially since Wyatt was born. Connor loved that little girl more than anything and he always wanted to be a part of her life. Watching Zoe and Evan dance together, so happy, and so clearly in love, even after so long, it makes whatever he thought he’d felt for Evan at the time seem so small, incomparable to what Zoe and Evan had. And he was so happy that they’d found each other, that they were all able to be happy together, that he’d made the right decision to be there for them.

 _You say, what if things start changing?  
I say, we'll be changing with them  
We'll just sing a different melody  
And dance at different rhythm  
You say, what if I give up?  
I say, that it's one thing that I'll never let you do_

Evan and Zoe had listened to this song more than enough times to know it was almost over, and time for Heidi to bring Wyatt up to them. They had specifically wanted a portion of their dance to just be them, because while they were parents now, they were still themselves first, and they always made sure to make time and space for their relationship in the beautiful chaos that was raising a child. It helped them center themselves, which ultimately made them better parents. But Wyatt was also a part of their love story and they wanted her up there with them. Heidi hands a still sleepy Wyatt to Evan and Zoe immediately wraps her arms around both of them, holding the baby between them, swaying softly to the music. 

_Even if the sky is falling  
And the sun don't want to shine  
If the stars we used to wish on  
Disappear into the night  
Well, I can move a mountain  
But only by your side  
Just say you'll always be there  
I know you'll always be there  
And so will I_

Evan and Zoe had thought long and hard about what song they wanted for this moment. Music was a huge part of Zoe’s life, which meant it was also a huge part of Evan’s. When Zoe had heard this song, she just _knew_ it was the one. As the song starts to fade, Zoe looks up to Evan, eyes sparkling, full of love and sings softly to him, “I can move a mountain, but only by your side. Just say you’ll always be there…” 

Evan pulls her impossibly closer, careful not to disturb Wyatt, and finishes the song to her, singing quietly in her ear, “I know you’ll always be there and so will I.” And he’s never been more sure of anything in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe are too cute for words and I can't handle them. Also if anyone cares I imagined Wyatt to be about 7 months old in this, could be helpful I don't know. But I do have like a whole backstory on the baby and the proposal and the timeline of these things happening if anyone cares. 
> 
> So previously I mentioned oneshots for this AU and I would be willing to write oneshots/smaller chapter fics around any of the "pictures" if there were any favorites or people want some angst-free fluffy reading. I was also considering a future-family centric fic with Zoe, Evan, and Wyatt and possibly another baby??? Not sure yet though. And I am going to try to write some more "mature" Evan/Zoe from this universe specifically (people seem to want it), but no promises! These probably wouldn't have a super regular update schedule, more when I feel inspired or have a request. 
> 
> But I am currently outlining a new multi-chapter story (it won't be ready for a Tuesday update, but soon!) that is more canon-esque (i.e. The Connor Project, Evan lying some, Alana Beck (who I don't usually write), and a Heidi/Evan relationship that is not as ideal as I normally write it) but it's definitely Evan/Zoe and I don't want to give too much away yet, but don't fear in that department. And HenBenRo gave a really good suggestion for a different story, so I've been mulling over ideas for that as well! So more content will be coming soon! 
> 
> Thank you again for being wonderful!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Eeeek! Things are happening here people! Coming up next Evan and Zoe are going to hang out without Connor and get to know each other better. Stay tuned!!


End file.
